"Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It protects us until we are equipped to deal with reality."
C. S. Lewis
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Waking up the next morning, Olivia was still in utter shock. She couldn't believe that Kathy was dead. She had known this woman for over twenty years and suddenly, she was gone forever. As she took a shower and got ready for the day, her heart broke all over again as she remembered how Elliot and the kids reacted to the devastating and life-altering news. She quickly shook the thoughts away, not wanting Noah to see her upset as she got him ready for school.
After dropping Noah off, Olivia made her way to the safe house that the Stabler's would be occupying for the next one to two months. She checked to make sure that the surveillance cameras were set up and working properly and made her way to the precinct. "Fin, can I see you for a second?" She asked, not waiting for an answer as she went into her office, hung up her jacket and put her bag down. After he entered, she closed the door and the shades then took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
Fin looked at her, confused and concerned. "Everything all right, Cap?" He asked.
She shook her head slowly as her lip trembled, trying to find the words to say. She cleared her throat and paused for a moment before she spoke. "When I went to the hospital last night, I saw the kids sitting in the waiting room. Maureen said she had a bad feeling that something was wrong so I sent them down to the chapel while I checked to see if Elliot and Kathy were okay. I found them in Kathy's hospital room, talking and smiling. Everything was fine. We talked for a little while and as Elliot and I were about to join the kids in the chapel, a Code Blue came over the intercom." Her voice cracked at the end as tears pooled in her eyes.
"No," Fin whispered, his eyes widening.
Olivia nodded her head slowly. "Her injuries were just too severe and they tried to save her but...she died. Kathy's d-dead, Fin." She whispered as tears ran down her cheeks. Fin ran to her just as her knees gave out and he held her in his arms as she cried. He was in complete shock as tears formed in his own eyes.
"Let it out, Liv. I'm right here." He whispered, holding his boss as she tried to stop her tears. Even though she was now his superior, that didn't matter in this moment. This was one of his closest friends grieving over the loss of yet another person that was ripped away from them in one of the worst ways imaginable.
"I'm okay." Olivia choked out, finally stopping her tears. She sniffled as she dabbed lightly at her eyes with a tissue and took another deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I'm sorry." She whispered.
"Nothin' to be sorry about, Liv. You have every right to grieve." Fin reassured her.
"I just...I still can't believe it. One minute, we were talking and everything was fine and then the next minute, she was gone." Olivia replied softly, shaking her head.
"I'm so sorry, Liv." Fin whispered. "So...what happens now?" He asked.
"I, uh, I stopped by the safe house this morning to make sure it was ready to go so I'm gonna stop by Elliot's old house to pick them all up and bring them there. There's a lot of back roads we have to take and I made sure of that so it's not easy to find in case someone tries to follow us." Olivia explained, trying to get back to business.
"Want me to go with you? I can give them my condolences and maybe help just make sure it's completely safe." Fin offered, not wanting her to go alone.
Olivia gave him a small, appreciative smile. "Maybe you could stop by tomorrow since they'll be busy settling in today. I don't want to overwhelm them too much right now." She whispered.
"No worries, Cap. I'll cover you while you're out." Fin replied, walking out of the office with her after she grabbed her jacket and bag.
"Thanks, Fin. I'll see you later." Olivia responded, giving him a light smile as she left to go to Queens.
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Arriving at Kathy's house, where the Stabler kids were raised, Olivia tried to prepare herself as she went inside. She hadn't been in this house in over ten years and it still looked the same, inside and out. She took a quick sweep of the downstairs area, making sure no one was there; figuring the kids would be upstairs waiting for her. As she checked the other rooms to see that they were empty, she walked into the far back bedroom, Maureen's old bedroom, and her heart shattered. The kids, including Luke and little Tyler, were all sitting together on the bed, crying in each other's arms.
"Hey, guys." Olivia whispered softly, trying not to startle them. Their heads snapped towards her and they all shot up off of the bed, except for Luke who was holding Tyler in his arms, and hugged her tightly. "I'm so sorry." She whispered, not knowing what else to say as she tried to hold in the new round of tears forming in her eyes.
"I can't believe she's gone." Maureen whispered once they all pulled away and Kathleen took her sister into her arms again.
"I know, sweetie. I'm so sorry." Olivia whispered, sitting next to her on the bed and rubbing the blonde's back in slow circles as Luke moved over so Kathleen could sit on the other side of her sister.
"Dad should be here soon. He called me a few minutes ago but he sounded...weird." Kathleen whispered once Maureen's tears slowed down and eventually stopped.
"Weird how?" Olivia asked, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
"He said that Mom should be home from the hospital soon but then he said that he needed to call the funeral home. It didn't make any sense. I'm worried, Liv." Kathleen whispered as her voice trembled and a tear ran down her cheek.
"Once we get to the safe house, I'll talk to him. Don't worry, guys. He'll be okay and you will be, too." Olivia tried to reassure them as she looked each young adult in the eyes.
Before anyone could say anything else, they heard the front door opening and footsteps coming up the stairs. Not wanting to take any chances, Olivia walked out of the room, closing the door behind her silently, and slowly took out her gun. She didn't raise it, however, when she saw that it was Elliot. She exhaled softly as she put her gun back in her holster and tried to smile at him. "Hey, Elliot." She whispered.
"Hey, Liv. What're you doing here?" Elliot asked, walking closer to her, a small smile trying to form on his lips.
"I'm taking you and the kids to the safe house, remember?" Olivia asked, trying not to grow concerned.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I've just got a lot on my mind." Elliot replied, shaking his head slightly as he rubbed his forehead.
"It's okay, I know." Olivia said softly, trying to give him a small, comforting smile. They walked to the back bedroom as Olivia opened the door and walked in with Elliot following behind her.
"Hey, Dad. You okay?" Kathleen asked, standing up and hugging her father.
"Yeah, Kat, I'm all right. Why?" Elliot asked, slightly confused as he hugged her back.
"You said that Mom should be home from the hospital soon and then you said you needed to call the funeral home. I was worried." Kathleen explained sadly.
"I said that?" Elliot asked, watching Kathleen nod her head. "I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I'm sorry, Katie." He whispered softly.
"It's okay." Kathleen replied, sharing a concerned look with Olivia.
"We should get going." Olivia said softly, giving them all a sad smile.
Everyone nodded as they grabbed their bags and after Elliot grabbed his small suitcase from his truck, they followed Olivia to her SUV. They had a police escort in front of them and behind them and the car windows were tinted so no one driving by could see inside. After about a half an hour of driving, they made it into the large, six bedroom house and put their bags into each room as Luke stayed in the room Maureen chose for them with Tyler. Then, the Stabler's met Olivia in the living room and sat down on the large couches.
"So, as you guys know, you'll most likely have to stay here for a maximum of two months to ensure your safety. The trial is starting this week and it should go smoothly, barring no complications. The fridge is fully stocked with everything you'll need but you do have the option of ordering out. One of the officers will be in plain clothes and he'll pick up the food and bring it in. You can do Zoom meetings with your bosses every week but you won't be able to go into the offices; you have to stay here." She explained. Then, she turned to Eli and smiled lightly. "I talked to one of the best tutors in the state and she'll be doing two hour sessions with you on Zoom every other day of the week so you'll have breaks." She turned back to the rest of the Stabler's and tried to give them a reassuring smile. "I know that this is the last thing you guys wanted to deal with but I just wanna make sure you're safe."
"We know. Thanks for doing this, Liv." Dickie said, smiling lightly and standing up to hug her.
Olivia smiled back and returned the hug, pulling away after a minute. "I'll let you guys go unpack. I'll come back tonight and bring some pizza for dinner." She watched them all smile softly then go into their respective rooms to unpack.
She turned to walk to the front door when Elliot stopped her. "Liv, could we talk for a minute?" He asked, walking up to her.
Olivia nodded and followed him to his temporary bedroom, watching as he closed the door slightly and sat on the bed, sighing heavily. "I know Dickie already said it but thank you for doing this. I really appreciate it." He whispered, looking up at her slowly.
"I just wanted to make sure you guys were safe." Olivia responded softly, repeating her statement from earlier.
Elliot nodded, holding a small item in his hand. "I've known Kathy since I was seventeen, Liv. Almost forty years and now she's gone...forever. How am I supposed to accept that and move on with my life?" He asked, his voice cracking slightly.
Olivia's heart broke and her lip trembled slightly as she sat next to him on the bed. "No one expects you to accept it and move on right away. It's gonna take time. Everyone processes things differently. When my mother died, I went to work right after the funeral. You should know, you were there. I don't really recommend it, though." She quipped, smirking lightly.
Elliot cracked a smile and chuckled lightly. "I shouldn't have been surprised. I knew you wouldn't take the time off. The job is your life." When he saw the slight hurt in her eyes, he mentally cursed himself. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it the way it sounded."
Olivia smiled lightly. "It's okay. The job was my life for a long time but now, he's my life." She replied, showing Elliot a picture of Noah on her phone.
"Wow, he's a handsome little guy. What's his name?l Elliot asked, even though he already knew it from his coma induced dream.
"Noah. I adopted him when he was barely a year old." Olivia replied, smiling at the picture.
"I'm happy for you, Liv. You deserve it." Elliot responded, smiling softly at her.
"Thanks." She whispered, looking into his eyes as her breath caught in her throat. They got lost in each other's eyes for a brief moment, then cleared their throats as they looked away. "I should, uh, get back to the station. I left Fin in charge; I'm hoping the place hasn't burned down to the ground or something." She quipped, trying to ease the thick tension in the room.
Elliot nodded and chuckled softly. "Yeah, you should probably get back." He whispered, then he looked at the flash drive in his hand. "Before you go, um, I'm not sure when this was slipped under the apartment door but when I went to leave, I found it on the floor. I almost stepped on it by accident."
"Did you watch it?" Olivia asked, taking the flash drive as he handed it to her.
Elliot nodded. "Someone filmed the explosion." He whispered, fire in his eyes as his jaw clenched.
"What?" Olivia asked, shocked as her eyes widened.
"It shows someone watching it happen from a distance and they're smiling." Elliot seethed. "The worst part is, I wasn't the target...Kathy was." He said, tears forming in his eyes.
Olivia shook her head in disbelief. "I'll get this to TARU and see if they can authenticate it, just to make sure the defense can't have it thrown out." She replied.
Elliot nodded in understanding. "Thanks." He said softly.
Olivia tried to give him a light, reassuring smile. "They're going down, Elliot. I'll make sure of it."
Elliot smiled lightly back. "I know. Semper Fi, right?" He asked.
Olivia's breath hitched as she flashed back to when she had to clean out his desk and she found his badge with a sticky note that read, "Semper Fi - El." She tried not to let it show that tears were starting to form in her eyes as she looked back at him.
"Semper Fi." She repeated back to him, giving him a soft smile in return. "I'll see you later, Elliot."
"See ya later, Liv." Elliot said softly, watching her leave the room.
"Hey, Liv, could I talk to you for a second?" Eli asked, watching her walk by as he walked up to the doorway of his bedroom.
"Sure, Eli. You okay?" Olivia asked, walking into the boy's room and sitting next to him on his bed.
"Yeah, mostly." Eli replied, smiling slightly. "I'm just worried about Dad. We all are."
"He'll be okay, honey. And so will you and your brother and sisters. You just have to try and think positive. I know it'm gonna be hard at times but it does help." Olivia said softly.
"It's just gonna be weird doing school from home while trying not to think about some psycho trying to kill us." Eli quipped bitterly.
Olivia rested her hand on his shoulder gently and tried to reassure him. "If I have anything to say about it, the bad guys will be long gone in no time, okay? You just gotta trust me."
"I know. Thanks, Liv." Eli responded, smiling softly and reaching over to hug her.
Olivia returned the hug, then ruffled up his hair once they pulled back from the hug. "I'll see you guys in a couple hours." She smiled and he smiled back as he watched her leave his room.
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"Hey, Fin. Elliot gave this to me; he said someone slipped it under his apartment door before he left. I need you to run it down to TARU and get it enhanced and authenticated for me, okay?" Olivia asked, handing him the flash drive as she walked back into the squad room.
"You got it, Cap." Fin replied, taking Kat with him as they went on their way to their tech unit.
"Hey, Cap, you got a minute?" Amanda asked, following Olivia into her office and shutting the door.
"Yeah, what's up, Amanda?" Olivia asked, taking off her jacket and sitting down in her chair as Amanda sat in one of the chairs in front of the desk.
"Are you, uh, you doin' okay?" The blonde asked cautiously.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" Olivia replied.
"I've just been noticing how you've been acting since your old partner came back into your life and I wanted to see how you were feeling. Respectfully, of course." Amanda said, trying not to overstep.
"I've been better, that's for sure." Olivia admitted softly, trying not to let her voice crack.
"Were you and Kathy Stabler friends?" Amanda asked.
"You know, not at first, and it's such a long story, but over time...we got really close." Olivia whispered softly.
"Kind of like us." Amanda mused, smiling lightly.
"Hm, yeah." Olivia replied, returning her light smile.
"You, uh, never talked much about Stabler. All I know is, when I got here, his desk was empty...a shrine." Amanda said.
"Yeah, he had a pretty big presence in the squad room." Olivia responded, nodding slightly.
"I know Nick always felt the brunt of trying to fill his shoes." Amanda replied, then she paused for a moment. "From what Fin told me, you and Stabler had a...complicated relationship." She continued, trying to tread lightly.
"We did. Ya know," Olivia paused as tears filled her eyes. "Back then...nobody looked out for me the way he did." She whispered, her voice laced with emotion.
Amanda gave her a sympathetic smile as she nodded slowly. "If you need to talk, I'm here for you, Cap. We could always go for a girl's night out. Thank God for nannies." She quipped, laughing softly.
Olivia laughed back. "Truer words have never been spoken." She quipped back, smiling. Just then, there was a knock on the door. "Come in," she said.
Fin walked in as he held up the flash drive. "TARU says it's real. It wasn't edited or altered in any way. We need to get this to Carisi before the trial starts."
"Let's go." Olivia replied, standing up and putting on her jacket as she, Fin, Amanda and Kat left to go to the district attorney's office.
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After dropping off the flash drive at Carisi's office and explaining what it contained, they caught a domestic violence case on their way back to the precinct that kept them busy for the next few hours. Once it was over, they all said goodnight and Olivia drove to Noah's preschool to pick him up.
As Noah got into the SUV and buckled himself in, Olivia turned slightly in her seat to smile at him in the backseat. "Hey, honey. How was your day?" She asked, turning back to face the front as she drove to the pizza place.
"It was good! Andrew invited me to come over this weekend to hang out. Is that okay?" He asked, hoping his mother would say yes.
Olivia smiled softly. She was happy that her son was making friends. "Of course, honey. That sounds like fun."
"Thanks, Mama!" Noah beamed, smiling excitedly. When he noticed that they drove past their apartment building, he became confused. "Where are we going?" He asked curiously.
"We're gonna meet some of Mama's friends and have dinner with them. Is that okay?" She asked, even though they were already halfway there. She wanted to make sure he would be comfortable with the idea, not wanting him to be scared.
"Cool!" Noah exclaimed excitedly, making Olivia laugh. She was happy that he wasn't afraid to meet new people, especially people that she knew and trusted.
Finally arriving at the safe house, Olivia held the pizza box in one hand and Noah's hand in the other. One of the officers let her into the house and she smiled when she saw the Stabler family, including Luke and Tyler, playing Spot It.
"Hey, Stabler's! I brought pizza!" Olivia announced, smiling as she and Noah walked further into the house.
"And you brought a kid." Dickie joked, smiling at Noah. "Hey, buddy, my name is Dickie. Nice to meet you." He said, reaching out his hand.
Noah smiled back and shook Dickie's hand. "Hi, I'm Noah. What game are you guys playing?" He asked, sitting with them on the couch.
"It's called 'Spot It.' Here, we'll show you." Elizabeth said, smiling as she and her sisters, along with Luke and Tyler, introduced themselves to the boy and explained the game to him.
"Thanks for getting the food, Liv. You didn't have to." Elliot said, standing next to her and smiling.
Olivia smiled back then looked back at the young adults and Tyler playing with Noah as her heart filled with love. "It wasn't a problem. It's Noah's favorite food these days and we never finish a whole pie by ourselves." She chuckled.
Elliot chuckled with her as he clapped his hands once and smiled as the siblings, including Luke, Tyler and Noah, all looked up at him. "Okay, guys, time to eat!" He announced.
"Noah, go wash your hands before dinner, okay?" Olivia asked, smiling softly at her son.
"Okay, Mama." Noah replied, running off to the bathroom.
Elliot smiled as he watched the boy, then he turned to Olivia, still smiling.
"What?" Olivia asked, trying not to blush.
"You're a good mom." Elliot whispered softly, smiling lightly.
She couldn't help it. A slight blush formed on her cheeks as she smiled lightly back. "Thanks." She whispered back.
Just then, Noah came back from the bathroom and everyone sat at the table, bowing their heads as Elliot said Grace. They ate happily, making light conversation as if there was nothing wrong in the world. Olivia momentarily forgot that the trial was starting soon and that the Stabler's couldn't go back to their normal lives for at least the next month or two. She hoped it would go by quickly.
After dinner, everyone went back into the living room and decided to watch a movie, making sure it was child-appropriate for Noah and Tyler. Once it ended, they all said their goodbyes and Elliot helped Noah get situated in the car since the boy was half asleep.
"It was nice to meet you, Noah." Elliot said, smiling at the tired boy.
"You, too, Elliot." Noah mumbled sleepily, causing Elliot and Olivia to laugh softly.
"Thanks again for coming over with the pizza. It was nice hanging out again like old times. Well, not exactly, but you know what I mean." Elliot rambled slightly, chuckling nervously.
"Yeah, I had fun and clearly, Noah did, too." She chuckled softly. "I'll try to stop by tomorrow when and if I have a break at work." She said, looking up at him as she smiled lightly, seeing the slight hope in his eyes.
"Okay." Elliot replied, smiling softly. "Goodnight, Liv." He whispered, hesitantly reaching out to hug her.
Olivia returned the hug slowly, closing her eyes as her cheek touched his and her arms wrapped around his neck. She couldn't imagine the unbearable pain that he must be feeling and she knew they still had unresolved issues but that needed to be put on the back burner for now. He needed her and she was going to be there for him. "Goodnight, Elliot." She whispered, pulling back from the hug slowly after a minute.
"Drive safe." Elliot whispered. They smiled softly at each other before Olivia got into the car and drove to her apartment. By the time she arrived at her building, Noah was fast asleep so she carried him inside and put him in his bed once they reached the apartment.
"Goodnight, sweet boy. I love you." She whispered, even though she knew he was asleep. She got up from the bed and left his door open slightly, then went into her room to get ready for bed.
A few hours later, she was woken up by her phone ringing on the nightstand. "Benson," she whispered, answering the call. When the person on the other end started speaking frantically, she sat up in bed quickly. "Okay, Mo, slow down, honey. What's wrong?" She asked, quickly going to her closet to change. "I'll be there soon. Okay, bye." She hung up and quickly changed her clothes as she called the second number on her speed dial. "Hey, Lucy. I'm so sorry to call you this late, I have an emergency and I need you to watch Noah for me. Thank you so much, honey. See you soon. Bye."
Once she grabbed her keys, she went into the living room to wait for Lucy. She arrived a few minutes later. "Hey, Liv. Everything okay?" Lucy asked, concerned.
"Yeah, I just have a work emergency but everything's fine. Thank you, again. You're a lifesaver." Olivia replied, smiling softly at the young woman as she left the apartment and went down to her car. Once she made it to the safe house, she went inside and was met with a rather panicked Maureen.
"Thank God you're here, Liv." Maureen said quietly, hugging Olivia tightly. "I'm really worried about Dad. He keeps talking about Mom like she's still alive and I told him that you would come over to talk to him." She rambled, whispering as she led Olivia to her father's room. "I tried to keep it quiet so no one else could hear what was going on."
"Okay, honey. Why don't you go back to bed while I talk to him, okay? Don't worry, everything is gonna be okay." Olivia tried to reassure her as she squeezed Maureen's hand gently, then ushered her back to her room.
"Thanks, Liv." Maureen whispered, walking back into her room and leaving the door open slightly.
"Hey, Elliot." Olivia whispered, walking into Elliot's bedroom, seeing him sitting up in bed, clutching his cell phone in his hand.
"Hey, Liv. Where's Kathy? I called her cell but she's not answering." Elliot said, slight panic in his voice.
Olivia's heart shattered once again. She heard that some people could go into psychosis from grief and she was scared that this was what Elliot was experiencing. She sat next to him on the bed and tried to speak to him in a calming voice. "Elliot, Kathy's not here anymore." She whispered.
"I know she's not here, Liv. I keep calling her cell, like I said, and it keeps going to voicemail. What the hell is going on?" Elliot asked, fully panicking now.
Olivia took his hand gently and held it in both of her own hands. "Elliot, Kathy died." She whispered, trying not to get too emotional in front of him.
"What- what are you talking about?" Elliot asked, confused. "No, she didn't." He whispered, shaking his head slightly.
"Yes, she did. The car that you guys were renting while you were here visiting had a bomb in it. It blew up and she was sent to the hospital. You were talking to her yesterday and then later on last night, she passed away, remember?" Olivia explained, trying to jog Elliot's memory.
"That...no, that's not true. She's fine." Elliot whispered, his voice cracking slightly as tears formed in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Elliot, but it is true. She's gone." Olivia whispered, her lip trembling as tears formed in her own eyes.
"She- she's really gone?" Elliot asked softly, his heart breaking all over again.
Olivia nodded slowly. "She is. I'm so sorry." She repeated softly.
"Oh, my God." Elliot whispered, falling into her arms as he started sobbing.
"I'm so sorry, Elliot." She repeated, over and over again, as she held him in her arms. She held him until she felt his body give out; he had cried himself to sleep in her arms. She laid him down gently and pulled the covers over him then left the room, closing the door behind her quietly.
"How is he?" Maureen asked anxiously, coming out of her room.
"He'll be okay. He's asleep." Olivia whispered. "It's gonna take time for it to really sink in and for you guys, too. I'll come back tomorrow and see how he's doing. You should get some sleep, honey." She suggested softly.
"Thank you for coming, Liv. I really appreciate it." Maureen replied, hugging the brunette again.
Olivia returned the hug and smiled softly at Maureen after they pulled away. "No problem, sweetie. Goodnight." She whispered.
"Goodnight." Maureen whispered back, smiling softly as she went into her room, closing the door quietly.
Olivia made her way out of the house and to her car, driving back home. Her mind racing once again. She was becoming increasingly worried about Elliot. She knew he most likely needed to see a therapist to help him with his grief but he wasn't the type to accept help in any capacity, even when it was clear that he needed it.
Finally arriving home, Olivia saw that Lucy had fallen asleep so she laid the blanket over her that was on the back of the couch. Walking into her bedroom, she sighed as she changed back into her pajamas and climbed back into bed. Thinking back to all of the events that have transpired, her nose burned and she let the tears flow. She prayed to a God that she had recently started to believe in that she would be able to help Elliot before it was too late.