We are all alone in ways no one understands
- perry poetry
~
~
~
Chapter 55
Shawn's POV
"Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello reportedly broke up. The 22 year old pop star was spotted in a restaurant. Source says the Havana singer called off the engagement. Wedding no more? St—"
Someone suddenly close my laptop. I was my mom.
"You shouldn't watch that kind of news. It won't help your situation."
I sit back on my chair, jiggling the engagement ring on my finger. "I'm fine mom. Besides it's just a rumor."
Her eyebrows furrowed, confused by my words. "Explain."
"Simple. The wedding will go on." My dad suddenly butt in, joining us in the living room. "I will help Shawn get back what's originally his."
I grin. This is why I love my father. He's so supportive to everything I do and want unlike my mother. Don't get me wrong. She's also supportive but not much like my dad.
"What is this, Manuel? What did you do?"
"Nothing. Yet."
"Relax, mom. Dad just backed me up in the meeting yesterday. I asked them to pair me with Camila for PR, that's all. I will take her back, mom."
"Camila is already happy. Let her live and decide for herself."
"Happy?" Dad scoff at my mother's statement, "With who? With that bastard?"
"Don't talk to Lauren like that."
"We all know Camila belongs to Shawn. Our son is permanent, she's just temporary Karen."
"Give the girl a break, Manuel. You've tortured her long enough. Stop."
I don't understand what they're talking about but the fact that Lauren slowly stealing my mother away from me just like how she stole Camila rings a bell to me. She can't just fucking walk back in everyone's lives, in my life especially, and take away every person who means the absolute world to me. And just by thinking that my mom basically siding with that bitch instead of supporting me, his own son, boils my blood in anger.
"Why are you siding her, mom?! Lauren stole Camila from me! She stole my fucking fiancée and here you are fighting for her!"
"I am not siding anyone, okay?"
"Then why do you care about her?!" I can't help not to raise my voice. I've been bottling this feeling up for a very long time now. She thinks I don't know but I do— Lauren is her favorite. Lauren is always the good kid in her eyes. Lauren this and Lauren that. That fucking Lauren!
"Shawn, don't talk to your mother like that." Dad tries to get in the middle but I completely ignore him.
"No! I gotta say this. Ever since we were a little you're always siding Lauren. Lauren is always the good kid in your eyes. She's always the fucking star! And me? Fuck, I am nothing to you!"
"That's not true, Shawn."
"Yes, it is! If you could just swap me with her then I'm sure you'll do it! She's your favorite kid, right?!"
I grab my stuff and storm off the room. Mom called my name thrice but I didn't bother to stop myself from walking away nor look back at her. I headed straight to my room and slam the door behind me.
I throw my stuff across the room before I flop down to my bed. I let the defying silence swallow me until I felt my phone buzzed in from my pocket. I pulled it out and answer the call.
"Any trace about my sister? Any lead where she's at?"
"Still no lead, sir."
"Then why the fuck are you calling me?! Didn't I made it clear to never disturb me unless it was important?!"
"Well, I don't have any precise location where your sister could be but I have a piece of information, sir."
I immediately got up from my bed. I'll take whatever this guy can offer. I just badly wanted to find my sister, that's all. Maybe if the day comes that I finally found her then I could fulfill the void I felt somewhere in my heart and soul that seemed incurable for me. Maybe I could finally feel whole and complete as a person.
"What is it?"
"There's this old man named Alvaro Herrera. He owns an old bookstore in San Francisco and he's claiming to be friends with your mom."
"And?"
"He says your mom made two identical books— Miraculum. Rings a bell?"
I know that book. It's about Asclepius and Eos, the god and goddess who believed in miracle and they eventually saved each other. And since it was a book made by my mom it was always close my heart. I just didn't know, not until now, that she made one for my sister.
"Yes."
"And according to him your sister had that book. She came to the bookstore about 5-6 years ago."
"Fuck!" I mutter against my breath. Can I still find you, my little sister?
"But that's a good thing though. We'll use that book to find her."
"I'll send you the picture of the book and I want you to find her as soon as possible."
I ended the call and take a slow and steady breath. With this lead that we have, I could already feel that I'm so close of reuniting with my little sister.
And now there's one more thing that I need to do so I could finally have that happy ending in my own fucking story; I'm taking back Camila no matter what it takes.
"I didn't fight my whole life for Camila just to give up now. You don't deserve her, Lauren! Fuck, you don't even deserve to be happy! I will destroy you into pieces, just watch." I muttered underneath my breath as I get ready for my meeting.
***
Lauren's POV
I baked dark chocolate cake with buttermilk pecan frosting and bought a couple of wine to celebrate the release day of Camila's album. She told me that she'll spend her lunch break here before performing and do lots of promotions until 9 in the evening. I asked Clark to help me which I'm glad he did cause we had a lot of fun baking the cake though it turns our kitchen station into a complete disaster.
I was in the mid of decorating the table when I felt a pair of arms snaking its way around my waist.
"Camila!" I startled and she giggled. "You aren't suppose to be back! It's only 8:30!"
"Aren't you happy that I'm back earlier? And you sound like I just ruined something."
I turn around so I can see her beautiful face. Smile quickly twitched on our lips as soon as brown met green. "Of course, I am. You know I'm always happy to see you." I scratch the back of my head, "And yes, you kinda ruined something."
Camila smirk as she mimic what I've said to her yesterday, "Well, you have the rest of your life to surprise me."
I giggled, "Anyway, how did the meeting go?"
"Well, can I," Camila pointed at her lips, "get a kiss first?"
I pressed our lips together for a couple of seconds. "Done."
Her eyes are still close but her lips slowly curving in another breathtaking smile. "One more."
I chuckled, "What's up with you today?"
Camila shrugged, "Nothing. I just missed you, that's all."
I leaned and kiss her a little longer. She wrapped her arms around my neck and deepen the kiss. As soon as the air becomes an issue we both pulled away.
"I missed you too, Camz."
Her eyes open and it landed straight to the cake.
"You made this?"
"Me and Clark."
"Where's that kid though? I haven't seen him yet."
"He's upstairs."
We heard a running footsteps approaching us. In a matter of seconds, Clark is already clinging around Camila's legs.
"Mommy! Mommy! You're back! I missed you!"
Camila giggled, lifting our son up. "Tell me, what do you need from me?"
Clark kiss her cheek and buried his face on the crook of her neck. Camila and I look at each other. It's so obvious that Camila's being weirded out because of Clark's gesture to her.
"He really missed you, Camz. He's waiting for you to come home."
Camila grin, "Does that mean...?"
"Nope." I shook my head, "I'm still the favorite mom."
The brown eyed girl pouted, "I'm still no one's favorite."
"You're my favorite person though. Does that count?"
Camila push me away from her but it's too late because I already see her tomato like face. It's so red.
"Aww, you're blushing. How cute."
"Stop, Jauregui!" Camila tried to push me again but I caught her hand before she could do it. I hold it firmly and about to pull her closer but something caught my attention. She's wearing her engagement ring.
I look at Camila with a questioning look but the brown eyed girl quickly turns her attention to Clark who's now sleeping in her arms.
"I'm gonna tuck him to bed. I'll be right back."
Camila immediately walk upstairs. I sink on the stool and was left overthinking as to why she's wearing that ring. She told me she broke up with him for good and that she wanted to be with me so I really don't see any point of her still wearing that. But what if she still had feelings for him? Sure, she loves me but Camila loved Shawn too. Not just for days, weeks, or months. It's for two years. She's In love with him for two years. What if she woke up this morning and realized that it's Shawn and not me?
"Lauren, are you listening?" Camila's voice snapped me out from my deep thoughts. I didn't even notice that she's already standing right in front of me.
"I'm sorry, what are you saying again?" I mumbled weakly. My eyes go down to her finger to look at the ring once again. I don't think I'm prepared to hear what she just told me awhile ago.
Camila lift up my chin, "Laur, look me in the eyes."
I did what I was told. I look straight in her brown eyes.
"I am not leaving you."
"Then why are you wearing the ring he gave you?" I'm still trying to make sense of everything. "What does that even mean? You got back together? You woke up this morning and realized that you're still In love with him?" I hate how I could clearly hear the jealousy and fear in my own voice.
She cupped my face and kiss my lips, "Laur, you're the one I'm In love with and you have to believe me."
I stayed silent and Camila took that as her cue to start explaining things to me.
"We never got back together cause that will never happen. I made it clear with his mom that I am choosing you, Laur. I chose you. But then last night... Roger called me and he told me that the management wants me to do a PR with him for a year and a half."
I can't help not to roll my eyes. There's something about Shawn that always brings out a different kind of insecurity out of me. "How great is that! Out of all people, right?"
"I said no a thousand of times, Laur. God knows how much I tried—"
I distance myself away from Camila. "Well maybe you should try even more harder."
"Lauren,"
"I really don't know what you want me to say, Camila."
"I just want you to trust me."
"I trust you, but I don't trust him. He's your ex, for god's sake!"
I look straight in her eyes with a heavy heart. I really don't want Camila to do this. Even though her and Shawn are nothing but a fake ass couple but the fact that everyone will look at them as real lovers who's head over heels In love with each other breaks my heart in ways I couldn't explain. Just by thinking of her being kissed by someone else, her being touched by someone else in public who's not me are already too much to bear. A few days of it is for sure will be an everlasting torture for me how much more a fucking year and a half? And to make this whole situation even more worst, I found myself back in that loop hole where I am Camila's dirty little secret.
Camila reach for my hands. She's already at the verge of crying, "I really don't wanna do this but the management threatened me. They said they will drop me if I won't do this with Shawn. Lauren, this won't be easy but despite of that I wanna hear you say that you will stay with me no matter how hard and complicated things might get. Please tell me we're gonna be alright."
I push everything aside and choose to understand Camila even though every bones of my body screams no to this set up. "We'll be alright, Camz. I promise."
She sink herself into my arms and buried her face on the crook of my neck. "I really don't want to hurt you, Laur."
"I know." I caress her back to comfort her, "I'm just scared that one day you'll fall out of love for me. That one day everything is perfect, and then suddenly it's not."
"It will never happen, Laur. If you want I will propose to you right now."
"This is serious stuff, Camz."
The brunette pulled away, "I am serious. Do I look like I'm joking?"
"Tell that to me when your PR with Shawn is already over."
Her eyebrows knitted in confusion, "Why wait that long? Can't I marry you right now?"
"I'm doing you a favor. In case you change your mind about us."
Camila frowned. "Laur, this is just temporary. I promise one day we don't have to hide about us anymore."
"I can't let you take such big risk for me. I'm sure you know what happened to those artists who comes out of the closet. They were treated like shit, Camz. I don't want you to experienced that. So if hiding us is the only way I could protect you from those fucking homophobes then I'm fine with it."
"But I don't want to lock myself in the closet forever, Laur. It'll only wear me out portraying the image that I'm really not. I don't want to hide the person I am truly In love with."
I shrugged my shoulders, "I guess this is the price we have to pay to achieve our dreams."
Silence fell upon us. I slice a piece of cake and put it on the plate and hand it over to Camila before I pour her a glass of red wine.
"You should eat now. You might be late for your show."
"You're not going to join me?"
"I'm not yet hungry." I lied. I really am starving but the moment Camila dropped the news to me my appetite just went off.
Silence took over us both yet again. Camila's eating the cake in silence while I was standing in front of her unsure of what to do next. Should I sit here with her or should I head over to the living room? But before I could even think, I felt my phone vibrate against my pocket. I took it and it was Shawn calling. I stare at my phone for a couple of seconds before I answer it.
"Hi Lauren. Can I talk to you?"
Camila's eyeing at me so I walk towards the living room.
"Why?"
"I just wanna address a few things with you. Please? I'm already outside of your gate."
I take a peak right through the window and I saw Shawn leaning against the hood of this car.
What fucking now?
"Please Lauren?"
I ended the call and walk outside. I saw the frown creeps on his face while looking at his phone then he straighten up his eyes and our gaze met. A relief smile creeps on his lips.
"If you're here to talk about Camila then I'm telling you—"
"No Lauren, please. I didn't come here to argue with you about Camila. I'm here to apologize."
I think I misheard what he said.
"Excuse me?"
"I'm sorry, Lauren. I'm sorry that I hide your letter from Camila. I'm sorry if I treat you like shit. The moment Camila broke things off between us for good I realized that I will never win with you. I lost Lauren and I accepted that. And from the bottom of my heart I wish nothing but happiness to you and Mila."
I can't say whether he's telling the truth or not. But one thing's for sure, I can never trust him.
"The PR that's about to happen between Camila and I... I have nothing to do with it, I swear. I was staying away for good but our management called me to do it. I protested about it at first because I don't want to cause any trouble but they threatened me that they will drop me if I didn't do it."
So both Camila and Shawn got threatened if they won't do this. I believed Camila but Shawn? I don't know. His words seems pretty convincing enough but my walls won't let his words pass so easily through my guard.
"It's already there so I don't know why you're still explaining this to me."
"Because I care about you, Lauren. If there's anything that I missed most, that's probably our friendship. I'm so tired fighting this war with you. It's pointless. I just... I just want my not blood related sister back."
"I'll be blatantly honestly with you right now and say that I don't trust you, Shawn. I forgave you for everything that you did. But I think what you're asking me is a bit too much."
"But you forgave Normani."
"You and I are whole lot different story Shawn, and you know that. We both fell In love with the same girl. Twice."
"Lauren, I promise you that I won't do anything to harm you and Camila's relationship. I will never take advantage of her. If you want you can come with us so you could watch us over."
I look at him in the eyes for a minute. I'm about to open my mouth to say something when Camila suddenly join the conversation.
"Shawn? What are you doing here?"
She's walking towards our direction, obviously surprise to see the Canadian boy.
"Hey, Mila. I'm just talking to Lauren."
She glance back and forth between us, "About?"
"I actually came here to apologize. And I owe you one too, Mila. I'm so sorry. I know we haven't done much of a proper talk since our argument over the phone. And now that we're going to work for a year and half I just wanted to make things right so I won't make you feel uncomfortable while working with me. I'm so sorry, Camila. I take full responsibility of what I did. It was so wrong of me to do that. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me."
Camila smiled, "I forgive you, Shawn."
The smile on his face became even more wider. "Really?"
"You know I can't stay mad at you for a long time."
I look at Camila and she seemed to feel my stare as she quickly rephrase her sentence.
"I mean, I can't stay mad for too long. You know me. When someone do bad things to me it'll only take a couple of weeks and I already forgave them."
"You don't know how much that means to me, Mila."
"So, friends?" Camila extended her hand to Shawn in which he quickly accepted.
"Friends."
***
"Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello shut down break up rumors as the couple was seen walking hand in hand—"
Normani locked her phone and place it down on the table. I could feel three pair of eyes are looking at me right now.
"Lauren Jauregui, you better explain to us what the hell is going on. Why's Camila with that jerk again?"
"They need to do a PR."
"And you let them?! Jesus, Lauren!" Ally breathed out in disbelief while scratching the back of her head frustratedly.
"I can't believe you let Walz do this. And out of all guys, it had to be Shawn— her ex-fiancé."
"It's not like I have much of a choice but to say yes."
"I mean, you could have let her but at least with another dude." Dinah countered.
"Ariana Grande is a good choice though. Wifey goals!" Ally squealed.
"First of all, Ariana is definitely not a dude the last time I checked. And second, Mila's portraying a straight image, remember?" Normani.
"How are you keeping up with all of these bullshit?" Dinah asked curiously, "Cause we honestly can't stand looking at their pictures while they eat each other's faces like a fucking fish who's starving to death."
"It's so cringe, really." Normani.
"If you're on a diet and you want to lose your appetite then take a look at their picture and it'll do the trick. That's how disgusting it is." Ally.
It's been 11 hours since I decided to support Camila in her decision to do this PR with Shawn. It's been 11 hours since the internet and television was flooded of Shawn and Camila's making out pictures in every corner of the street. It's been 11 hours since our son bombarded me with questions if Camila's choosing Shawn over me. It's been 11 hours since my nightmare started but to me I feel like it's been forever. I don't know how I can still sit here with my friends and have a normal conversation. Hence, I don't even know how I'm still breathing normally.
I'll get used to this. I have to, for Camila.
"I don't know." I shrugged, "I'm still surprise that I'm still alive. But I guess it's because I know at the end of the day I'm still the one Camila's going home to."
"What if one day she didn't?" Normani asked.
"Mani!" Dinah and Ally exclaimed in unison.
"What? I'm just talking about the possibilities. This is not just some random guy, y'all. They had history together. And do you guys just seriously believed Shawn will back out without fighting for Mila? Cause that's totally absurd and bullshit. We know that guy very well. Losing is never on his vocabulary especially Mila is on the line here."
"Mani, you're seriously not helping in this situation." Dinah.
"Shawn just came to our house this morning. He apologized and asked for my forgiveness. He wants me back as his best friend."
The girls raised their eyebrows.
"And you believe him?" Normani questioned.
"I didn't. Though I can feel that he's being brutally honest with it I just couldn't find it in myself to believe and trust him."
"Believe me when I say that it will take everything for Shawn to give up Camila. I don't know what side of the game he's playing now but I know he's up to something— he's taking back Camila and you have to do something about it, Laur."
"Like what, Mani?"
"Propose to your girl already. You got her parents' blessings anyway so what's stopping you now?"
"Should I do it?" I asked the trio and they all nodded their head in agreement.
I felt my phone buzzed in from my pocket. I looked at it and smile quickly creeps on my lips when I saw Camila's name.
My pink princess 🎀💖
Lauren, can you come here ASAP? Something happened and I need you here. Please hurry up!
sent: 7:24 pm
"Oh shit." I muttered under my breath as I hurriedly stand up from my seat and gather my stuff.
"Is everything okay?" The girls questioned.
"Camila. I think something happened to her, I don't know."
I didn't wait for their respond as I storm off the restaurant as fast as I can. I heard them shouted "Call us when you need backup" before I completely step off to the restaurant. I quickly hop inside my car and revive the engine. I texted Camila where is she exactly but she's not responding. I tried calling Alfred and Roger but they are not picking up so I have no other choice but to call Shawn. After a 5 rings, he finally answer.
"Hey, Laur."
"Are you with Camila? Where is she? Is she okay?"
"She's in her dressing room. We're about to do an interview with Jimmy Fallon in 15 minutes. And yes, she's okay. Why?"
I could feel how hard my heart beating and I barely can't even breathe. "N-nothing. I-I'm on my way there."
I hang up the call and sped up a little enough for me to arrive at my destination in just 5 minutes. I run towards the lobby of the building and presented my ID. One of the crew accompanied me to Camila's dressing room. I said my polite hurried thank you before I burst the door wide open in which I saw a perfectly fine Camila laughing at Shawn's joke.
I furrowed my eyebrows while looking at them.
"There she is!" Shawn get back on his feet, "I'll leave you guys for a moment." Then he turned his attention to Camila's team. "Hey y'all, step outside first and let's give our love birds some privacy."
Shawn held the door as everyone step outside. He gave us a wink before closing the door, leaving me and Camila all alone.
I immediately rush towards my girlfriend. "Are you okay? Are you hurt? I came here as fast as I can as soon as I get your text. Did something happened? Did he hurt you?" I rambled while checking every part of her body to see if she's really okay.
Camila didn't say anything. She's just looking at me while smiling.
"What Camila?"
"You're cute when you're worried."
"I'm serious! I almost made the car flew because I was so worried!"
She giggled. "I'm okay, baby. I'm sorry if I made you feel worried. It's just that I'm so tired and I need my medicine."
"What medicine?"
"Your kiss. So come on, kiss your beautiful girlfriend."
I chuckled before I playfully hit her in the back of her head, "You're an idiot!"
"Ouch!" We both laugh, "I want your kiss not your smack. That was rude!"
"That's for being mean."
"Can I still get a kiss?" Camila leaned in and brush her lips against mine that sent a static shiver to my whole body, "Can I be mean and still get a kiss?"
I bit the inside of my cheeks to prevent myself from smiling, "I'll think about it."
The brown eyed girl pouted, "Please? I'll pay you for one kiss."
"How much?"
"Name your price, baby girl." Camila smirk, "And daddy will give it to you."
"Eww." I push Camila away from me causing the brown eyed girl to fell from the couch and landed straight to the floor. She burst out laughing.
"Five hundred million for one kiss. How's that sound, airhead?"
"Five hundred million?" Camila puff arrogantly while grinning from ear to ear, "Didn't even hurt my wallet, not even a tiny bit."
We crack another laugh before I pulled her into my lap, "I missed you." I whisper in her lips.
"You always missed me, Laur. There's nothing new about that. I missed myself too, you know?"
I playfully rolled my eyes before I kiss her lips. As our lips dance in sync, I pulled her even more closer to me so I could feel the warmth of her body. I'm about to deepen the kiss when the door suddenly burst wide open. Camila immediately pulled away while I throw my head back and groaned at the interruption Shawn just caused.
"It's time, Camila."
"I'll be right there." The brunette answered before the door shut. Camila turn her eyes back to me, "I'll see you later, babygirl."
"Can you please stay for another two minutes?"
"I really wanted to cuddle up with you all night but I really need to go out there or Roger will have my head. I'm sure you don't want a headless girlfriend, right?"
I pouted and Camila kiss it away, "How about this? After my interview, you and I will have a date tonight. Just you and me away from the world. Yes?"
I smile from ear to ear, "Yes."
"I love you." Camila shower my face with rapid kisses before she runs out of her dressing room. She stumble a couple of times before she finally manages to get out, making me laugh.
I'm In love with the clumsiest girl in the whole universe, how lucky I am.
I decided to watch the interview in her dressing room. I turn on the tv and they already made their entrance. The fans are screaming upon seeing them walk hand in hand. But instead of focusing to things I know might trigger some buttons, I lay my eyes only to Camila. She's wearing a black floral dress that perfectly hugged her body. Her dark wavy locks is cascading down her back. And the way she smile and wave at her fans every now and then makes her even more adorable and lovely. They talked about Camila's album and Señorita for a while then they proceed in addressing the break up rumors that spread like a wildfire in the internet world. I really wanna pop my eyes out of my fucking socket when I saw them genuinely smiling at each other before bumping their noses together or how every time Shawn always finds a way to kissed her cheek every fucking minute or how he held Camila's hand and never let go. I could feel my blood boiling in jealousy and ready to explode. I knew watching this is bad for my health but I can't bring myself to turn it off. I chose to torture my fucking self even more by watching them be lovey dovey couple in front of the world.
"And now we're going to proceed to twitter questions sent by your fans. First question is for Shawn. It's from @Shawmilaschild. She says "Have you ever loved someone who doesn't love you?" It was nice a question though. You see Shawn is a prince charming so who in the world won't love this handsome dude, right?"
Shawn looked at Camila. I really pay attention to what her expression would be. Her cheeks tainted in red while biting her bottom lip. She's blushing incredibly hard.
You are so dead when you get back here, Cabello.
"Camila." The Canadian boy chuckled and everyone in the studio including Jimmy gasped in surprise while I rolled my eyes.
"Camila? So It was a one sided love at first?" Jimmy asked, obviously curious and excited at the same time.
"Isn't it obvious, idiot?" I retorted.
"Wait, wait, wait, can I say something?"
"Don't you dare say anything, Camila!"
"No babe, you can't." Shawn pulled Camila in his arms to stop her from talking, "Well if I told you the whole story with Camila, it would take a lot of time. I would say that you have to fight for someone you really love. And if you really and truly love them then you get them."
"Well if you think that you can take her away from me then you're fucking dreaming, bitch" I scoff angrily.
"I'm lucky to have him, really. And even though it started out as one sided love I don't think it really matters right now cause he's the last guy I'll ever love."
I scoff as I sing my fucking heart out, "Why the fuck you lying. Why you always lying. Oh my god stop the fucking lying."
"Just a curious question. What makes you say yes to him? Like what did you see in him that you know you won't find in other guys out there and made you think that "Yes, this is the guy I wanna marry. This is the guy I wanna spend the rest of my life with"?"
"Their PR contract, Jimmy."
"Well, I think when you already found your person, like the other half of yourself, there's really no questioning or fear of doubt if you're making the right choice or not cause you already know deep in your heart that this is the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with. And for me I fell in the kind of love that it was impossible for me to recover, you know? And Shawn... he brings out the best and worst in me. He helped me find the best version of myself I didn't know exist. And I know it sounds so cliché and cringe but everyday I found myself falling even more deeper In love with him in every possible way. Ever since he came to my life I found this loving job of always making sure that he'll feel how important he is to me and how much I love him with every bones I have. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him. He's my forever and my happily-ever-after. Green eyes fucked me up, that's all there is to it."
"That's a complete bull— Wait, what?! Green eyes? Did she just said green eyes?"
Smile slowly creeps on my face at Camila's slip up. And that's when it hits me that she's talking about me and that somehow do the trick; I'm slowly calming down. She's sitting next to Shawn but she's thinking about me, and Camila doesn't seem to notice it yet because she's still giving details about the green eyes that fucked her up until Shawn place his hand over her knee and give it a light squeeze. And I think that made Camila realize the deep shit she put Shawn and herself into as she immediately try and cover up her slip up with a heated cheeks.
"I mean fun fact, y'all. Shawn's eyes back when we were college are green. Like super green and I don't know why he changed his eye color to brown. It kinda make me sad but, you know, when you love the guy, you love him no matter what."
"I really hate green eyes so I changed it."
The interview went well except Shawn's the one who did most of the talking after Camila's accident. After a couple of minutes, the door burst out open revealing a giggling Camila.
"Roger just scolded me."
"Aww, c'mere." I hold out my loving arms to her and Camila immediately sink herself into it like a little kid. "GrEeN eYeS fUcKeD mE uP. tHaT's AlL tHeRe Is To It." I mocked her while laughing.
"Who says I'm talking about you?"
"Well, you only dated two people in your entire life. One with green eyes who happens to be me and one with a brown eyes. I'm not trying to assume here but I think you're being in denial about it."
Camila playfully push my face away from her, "Excuse you, Jauregui! I dated 20 guys after you so don't flatter yourself too much."
"Save that joke for later, Cabello. I already had enough laughter because of your slip up."
Camila shook her head, "I can never win with you."
I helped Camila pack her stuff before we head over to the secret gate that connects directly to where her car was parked. Camila open the car door for me.
"Get in, my beautiful princess."
"That doesn't make you look top, you know?"
Camila gave me a look before she close the car door. She really make sure that it will hit my foot.
"Ouch!" I groaned, "What the fuck?"
"But that surely make you look bottom, you know?" Camila smirk before jogging her way to the driver's seat.
"You're so mean to me and I hate you!"
"I hate you even more." Then Camila blow me a kiss.
"You're the ugliest girl I've ever seen."
"You're the most uglier girl in the whole universe I bet even aliens will agree with me."
"Short flat chested little girl."
Camila gave me her infamous glare so I know I hit the golden button.
"Loser!" Camila yelled and I laugh because she's getting annoyed.
"Call me loser when you already have big boobs."
"Who cares about big boobs?"
"Everyone, duh!"
"I have a big ass who's being worshipped by millions of people."
"No one cares." I giggled and Camila slapped my thigh. Hard.
"Ouch! You're hurting me way too much already, Camila!"
"You deserved it for bullying me, Lauser!"
I laugh at annoyed Camila to annoy her even more.
"Girls with big boobies really turns me on. Yours is like a raisins on top of flat surface."
Camila raised her eyebrow. Her eyes are fixed straight on the road but her free hand is punching my thigh countless of times in a very violent manner.
"I really had a great time with Shawn today." Camila casually said. I know she's just making me jealous to get back on my teasing and I won't let her get in my head.
"No one cares." I said with a laugh.
"He was holding my hand all throughout the day. His thumb softly caressing the back of my hand and it's my most favorite thing that he do for me. I swear it makes the butterflies explode in my stomach."
"Cringe. All people knew it was fake." I laugh again, trying not to sound like a fucking butt hurt bitter ex-girlfriend.
"Nah, I don't think so. People adore us and I adore him. It actually feels good to wear this ring again, you know? It brings back the old us before you came."
I glance at Camila and she's smiling. Her words punch me straight in the gut and it hurts. But then I know that she's just messing with me, but still it hurts me. And I know I'm losing this game if Camila continues to brought up Shawn in this conversation. She knew how to play with my head and make me get down on my knees.
I laugh casually like it didn't affect me at all but it came out like a forced bitter laugh. God how I hate myself. "No one is really interested about you and Shawn."
"I love kissing him. I think that's the highlight of my day, and the only thing I'll look forward to for the rest of the year." Another low blow by the great Camila Cabello, ladies and gentlemen.
I stayed silent, motioning her that she won already but Camila keeps beating the shit out of me. Emotionally.
"I really enjoyed kissing him. I love how his lips are so soft and how it perfectly—"
"Oh please! Have you seen how you two kissed?! You were literally eating each other's faces like a fucking fish!"
"Yeah, that's what insecure people who's horrible at kissing says."
I scoff angrily, "I am not fucking insecure, alright?! Cause if I'm being brutally honest here you two are the most horrible and disgusting kisser I've ever seen in my whole life! And second, I am a good fucking kisser!"
Camila burst out laughing and I could feel myself slowly setting this passenger seat on fire at how mad I am.
"Why the hell are you laughing, Camila?!"
She laugh even more but this time it's more louder.
I rolled my eyes and cover my ears, "Stop laughing! You're so annoying, Jesus!"
"Wait, why are you mad? I'm the one who's suppose to be mad here, right?"
I turn to face the window, "Shut up, Camila!"
Camila slips a 3 seconds of laughter before holding it all back in.
"So, Shawn— I mean Lauser— Lauren. I mean Lauren. Where do you want to eat?"
"Eat with yourself."
"That's sounds kinda lonely. Come on, baby—"
"I'm not your baby so don't call me that."
Camila chuckled that made my eyebrows furrowed even more.
"You're cute when you're jealous."
I scoff angrily, "Who says I'm jealous?! And to whom? To Shawn? Come on!"
"So you're not jealous?"
"No! Never in a million years I will be jealous! Never!"
Camila giggled, "Okay."
The brown eyed girl drove in silence. I don't know where she's taking me and I don't wanna ask her because I don't wanna to talk to her because I'm still so pissed. I kept my eyes on the window throughout the whole drive. As soon as we hit the stoplight, her phone suddenly rings.
I heard her giggled and in my periphery, I could see the way she's smiling from ear to ear.
"I missed you so much! I'm good how about you? Did you eat your dinner already? Okay. Take care of yourself. I love you, Shawn."
I can't help not to glare at Camila and the brown eyed girl burst out laughing again.
"I love you mom. Yeah, no, I was just pissing Lauren off. Okay, tell dad and Sofi I missed them. Okay I'll tell her. Bye mom!"
Camila put her phone back to the dashboard. "Mom says they already miss you especially Sofi."
I just nod my head in response. It went dead silent for a minute before I heard Camila giggled lowly and muttered. "I can't believe I'm still alive and driving this car."
After almost an hour of driving, Camila pulled the car in front of the diner.
"They serve delicious foods in here. Come on!" The brown eyed girl excitedly hop out from the car while I lifelessly drag myself out of the car and followed her.
"Come on, baby. I'll rent the whole restaurant so we could have a perfect normal date." Camila offered her hand to me. I look at it for a moment before I look down.
"I'm jealous." I confessed, almost above whisper.
When I got no response, I look up and I saw her grinning from ear to ear. I tsk her and she immediately wipe the grin off of her face.
"You're grumpy but I love you." Camila walk towards my direction until we're inches away from each other, "And there's nothing to be jealous about because none of those things I said are true."
"I can't believe I lost this game to you." I shook my head and Camila crack a laugh before she pulled me in for a very tight hug.
"God! I am so In love with you, Laur. What did you do to me?" Camila squeezed me against her body.
"I'm asking the same question too, Camz."
Camila pulled away and I suddenly felt the longing to feel her warmth on my body. She slide her hand down to mine and intertwined our fingers together. "I'm sorry for making you mad. And I'm sorry if this won't be the first and last."
I glare at her and Camila smile before leaning in to kiss my lips. "At last! I finally found the hobby I won't get tired doing."
I scratch the back of my head, "I will get on your nerves too, Camila."
"We're going to piss each other off, sounds fun to me. Sounds like we're making our own way for us to break up."
We both crack a laugh before we head inside the restaurant. Camila's really serious about renting the whole place because the crew switched the signage to "Sorry, we're closed". She also talked to the manager and crews and asked not to take any pictures for privacy which they politely agreed.
I let Camila order our food since she knows this diner best. We were having a casual talk while eating but I think the best part of this conversation is when we share gossip with each other and laugh at it. I love how we can be true to ourselves when we're together, naturally and shamelessly without trying to be perfect or trying to turn on or please the other. I love how we're treating each other like best friends and at the same time two people who's head over heels In love with each other. The fact that she's my 3-in-1: Lover, Best friend, and Sister at the same time... Damn! I am so fucking lucky and truly blessed to have someone like Camila in my life.
I was enjoying bickering my steak when Camila suddenly reach for my hand and squeeze it gently. I look at her and she gave me a toothless smile.
"I love you." She whispered but enough for me to hear it, "You know I am In love with you, right?"
"Yeah, at this moment."
The brown eyed brunette shook her head, "Today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, the next 87 years of my life, I know I'll still be In love with you."
I bit the inside of my cheeks to prevent myself from smiling. The moment her smile quickly vanished and replaced by a wide grin I know my face is screaming red.
"You don't know that."
"Stop contradicting me, Jauregui! You just blushed right in front of me!"
"I'm just saying. You're always so sure about things. You're like a baby."
"Well, well, well, is that you taking your little revenge on me for calling you a baby before?"
I giggled, "Yes. I was really hurt that day because you can't picture yourself marrying a baby, you know?"
"I didn't say that!" Camila protested the same way she protested before, causing me to laugh.
"That's what I remembered."
"Well you remembered wrong."
A moment of comfortable silence surround us for a moment. Camila continue eating her steak when I remember something.
"Camz?"
"Yes, baby?"
"I want to look for my parents. Do you think... do you think they'll be happy to see me?"
Camila immediately beamed a smile, "Of course! They will be happy for sure. And I know they will be proud of the woman you turned out to be. Just as proud as I am every time I look at you."
I can't help not to smile at her compliment, "Thank you, Camz. That means a lot."
"You mean a lot to me and you're welcome."
"I'm really nervous."
Camila squeeze my hand, "You won't do this alone, Laur. I'll always be here with you. We'll look for your parents together."
I hold back her hand and caress it softly, "Together."
***
"Thank you for meeting me, Mrs. Jauregui." I greeted politely as soon as Clara walked inside the restaurant.
"Why are you calling me that? I'm still your mom."
"You know that's not true."
"You may not be my biological daughter but that doesn't change anything, Lauren."
I stayed silent for a minute. "I just, uhm, wanted to ask about my real parents. I want to see them."
There's a long pause. "There's nothing much I could give you about your parents aside from your mom goes by the name Mrs. KM. And this too," Clara took something from her pocket— it was a small card. She hand it over to me. "He can give you the answers to all of your questions. I'm sorry, Lauren."
I took the card and read it:
Biblioctopus Book store; California, San Francisco.
Alvaro Herrera
"Alvaro Herrera?"
"Yes, I heard from Mike that he's the one your mom trusted the most. I'm sure he can help you more than I do."
"This helps me so much already..." I pause for a moment, contemplating whether I'll call her Mrs. Jauregui or mom. And I chose to go to the latter. "Mom."
Clara smiled before pulling me in for a hug, "I'm so sorry, Lauren. I'm really sorry."
"I owe you my life, mom. You took care of me for 23 years even if I'm not your real daughter. I'll be forever grateful for all the things you've given me so I could live."
She held me even more tighter like she don't want me to leave.
"I will never forget you, mom. You, dad, Chris, and Taylor."
"You don't have to look for them, Laur. We could just put this all behind us and forget everything. Let's start fresh. Come home with me."
I pulled away from her hug as I cupped her cheeks. "I'm not a little girl anymore, mom. It's time to set me free."
Clara shook her head, her eyes slowly filling with tears. "I wish I could protect you. I wish you were mine instead."
"You don't have to worry about me. I just really wanted to know the answers to every questions I have in my head."
Something took over Clara's face but I couldn't quite figure out what it is. I hug her for the last time before I exit the coffee shop. I hop in my car and pulled out my phone to call Camila. It took 8 rings before she answers.
"Hi babygirl. How was your talk with Mrs. Jauregui?"
"It went good. She gave me a card and says I need to talk to Alvaro. He knew something about my mom so I'm going to San Francisco today. I'm really nervous about this and— and I need you with me, Camz. You're... coming with me, right?"
There's a moment of silence on the other line.
"Camz?"
"About that... I can't go with you today, Laur. Shawn and I needs to go to the beach and take a few photos. I'm sorry."
"Can you cancel it?"
"I can't."
"But you told me you'll come with me."
"I know baby, I know. I'm so sorry I have to bail out on you like this. How about I pick you up when you got back here then I'll take you out. Sounds good?"
I took a sigh and mumbled, "Okay."
"Call me when you get there. I love you, Laur." Then the line went dead.
I'm not gonna lie and say I'm not disappointed in Camila because I am. The fact that she gave away her words to me then bailed out on me the next day just because of Shawn and the stunt they're about to do— I don't know. I feel like she cares about me but she cares about Shawn and their bullshit fake ass relationship more. But of course, I ended up in the corner of understanding her like I always does.
I revive the engine of the car and started to drive off. I kept the radios off in case something bullshit and inappropriate comes on. I need to keep my head focus on what's my priority right now. My drive going to San Francisco lasted for almost 6 hours. By 1:20 pm, I finally arrived at Biblioctopus bookstore. I roam my eyes around and if I'm not mistaken this is the same bookstore I've visited with Camila before. This is where I bought my favorite book.
My heart started to pounder inside my chest as I step foot on the porch. The bell attached to the door rings as I push it open. The smell of old book pages and vintage books lingers on my nose. It was quiet here and I can't see anyone. I roam around for a moment and browse every shelves of different books when I suddenly felt a hand over my shoulder that made me jumped out.
"Holy shit!"
"I'm sorry." She giggled. It was a brunette girl with dark locks and blue eyes. She's petite and her height is probably the same as Camila's. "I didn't mean to scare you, Lauren."
I furrowed my eyebrows, "I'm sorry but have we met before?"
"I'm afraid not."
"Then how did you know my name?"
"Mrs. KM."
My heart skips a thousand beats. This girl knew my mom. And if she knew me then my mom knew who I was and what I looked like.
"She showed us your picture."
"You know her?"
She nodded her head, "I'm Jillian by the way."
She hand over hand to me and I accepted her handshake.
"I-I'm Lauren."
"I know." She giggled, "Why don't take a seat first?"
"Sure."
I followed her. My hands are already trembling and my mind just simply won't stop from racing. Thousands of questions rises in my head— if she knew who I was and what I looked like then why is she not looking for me? Does she want me? Am I doing the right thing, looking for my parents? Then suddenly, my conversation with Mrs. Mendes crossed my mind and my heart that was so filled with eagerness and longing was slowly getting eaten by fear; Fear of rejection. Fear of not wanting by my real parents. Then fear slowly turning into anger.
"Do you want something to drink?"
Jillian's voice snap me out from my thoughts.
"I'm good, thanks. You said you know my mother. Where is she? Where can I find her? What's her real name?"
"I haven't met Mrs. KM in person nor see her picture. All I know is she funded this bookstore for me and my grandpa as long as we make sure you'll get the book she wrote."
"What book?"
"Miraculum."
"...She wrote it?"
"Yes. One for you and one for your brother."
I could feel the air in my throat caught up. "I-I have a brother?"
"Yes. They call him Gordito."
I was speechless for a good damn minute.
"I heard you wanted to be a soccer player."
I lift my eyes up to meet hers and she quickly added, "Mrs. KM told my grandpa then he kinda told me about it."
The only thing I manage to do is to nod my head. "H-how about my brother? Do you have a picture of him?"
Jillian shook her head, "Mrs. KM never showed his picture to us so I have no clue what he looks like. I only know you."
"And my dad?"
"Aside from he's a doctor there's nothing else I could tell you."
"Alvaro Herrera... is he your grandpa?"
"Yes."
"Where is he? Can I talk to him?"
"Papi's currently out of town and I don't know when he's coming back."
I grip my hair tight out of frustration.
"You can leave your phone number though. When Papi comes home I'll give you a call."
My eyes beamed with hope, "Thank you, Jillian."
"You're welcome, Lauren."
We stare at each other for a long minute. She's the first one to break the eye contact with her cheeks tainted in red.
"I-I have s-something to show you. I'll be right back."
"Okay." I watch her clumsily rummage through the lower deck of their cabinet for a moment before she pulled an old dusty book.
"Here, this is Mrs. KM's draft for the book." She put down it down on the table then take a seat beside next to me.
"She told us that the god and goddess here represents you and your brother."
"I'm the one reaching out my hand to him... what does that even mean?"
Jillian opens the book and pointed at the words written above. "Time will come, a miracle will unite these two precious souls. They will both save each other, and by through miracle, both will find a happy ending." She read out loud before looking straight in my eyes, "You're mom saw it as a miracle that she was able to conceived two beautiful children despite of her heart condition. But—"
"But she couldn't keep both of them so she just relay on this bullshit miracle that somehow her daughter will end up with someone who's more decent person and responsible enough to take care of the child she can't. The child she abandoned."
"Lauren, it's not like that—"
"Then what is it?!" I can't help not to snap angrily, "If it's not like that then why am I here looking for her?! She knew who I was, what I looked like yet she chose not to look for me!"
"I understand where you're coming from, Lauren. But I want you to remember that picture paints a thousand words."
I don't know how this story goes or how tragic it is but I only know one thing. Whoever the hell that Mrs. KM is doesn't deserve to be a mother. At all.