Wednesday, November 11th- 6:19 p.m.
It took until Saturday night when Luke returned that Ashton finally left me alone. He was too scared to leave me alone again, so he stayed the whole day against my protests.
I'd banned him to the outside of my room in hopes of giving myself space and time to process- more so in hopes he'd leave- but he stayed the whole day outside waiting for me to feel comfortable with him again.
He brought me food he got delivered for us, refusing to leave long enough to get it himself or cook anything on his own. He left it at my door, knowing I still didn't want to deal with everything yet.
I spent most of that day just trying to process, not knowing what to feel as my shock turned to numbness. I ended up reading the note I'd wrote to him that night before, trying to decide if I had known what I was doing when I was taking those pills.
I didn't want to die- I just couldn't bear the idea of living anymore. I'd completely destroyed myself to make everyone around me happy, and finally, that destruction broke the last piece of my soul.
I hadn't written the letter as my suicide note, it was more of a final goodbye to Ashton. He wasn't intended to ever read it, but I needed to get every last emotion out onto paper before it ate me alive- even though it did in the end.
I'd started drinking as soon as I got home, stumbling across the pill bottle from almost a year ago. I almost left them be, but my drunken state took me back there just moments after.
I'd already been crying, and all I wanted was for my pain to go away. The pills used to do that- take away the pain I mean. They made me feel happy, even if it just changed the chemical makeup in my brain. I'd stopped taking them and just accepted I was always sad a long time ago- I had a chemical imbalance in my brain that would never change.
Those pills used to balance it out though, so I started taking some, praying maybe it would help eventually. Before I knew it, I'd taken practically the whole bottle, and I was starting to blackout.
The next thing I remembered was his voice calling me back to earth, our nickname falling from his lips. I thought I'd died, that I was in a different universe and imagining him in front of me.
I called him Angel back because I thought I had died, and maybe he would respond if he was an angel too- but who am I kidding... He's the devil who killed the Angel. He wouldn't have been in heaven with me had it worked... but maybe I had ended up in hell with him.
I didn't- and still don't- know how to feel about him and everything he did. I know he still loves me. He wouldn't have shown up if he didn't. He wouldn't have made me throw up the pills if he didn't. He wouldn't have left me alone like I asked if he didn't. He wouldn't have locked himself out of my room to stop my anxiety if he didn't. He wouldn't have sat outside the door, working me through my panic attack if he didn't. He would have just let me die if he didn't love me.
It was a hard line I was dancing on- forgive him and forget, or pretend we never happened and let us fall back to just strangers who had once loved each other.
Even all the time I'd spent alone hadn't been enough for me to get my head on straight. I was numb to everything again- how I was before him.
I'd done good at keeping my distance as school rolled around. I drove myself to and from school to avoid Luke. I wore clothes I could practice in so I wouldn't have to deal with the locker room before or after.
He seemed to respect my need for distance, seeming like he needed some of his own too. I watched him from afar, seeing how more on edge he seemed and how he pushed away from the people he'd admitted to me he didn't like long ago. I tried not to watch him for too long, knowing he was probably watching me too.
But November 13th was our last game before we moved on states, which meant Wednesday, November 11th was our set day from the start to be our end-of-season banquet.
In other words, for 2 hours tonight, I have to be locked in a building with the whole team who spent the whole season lying to me, looking back at memories that were fake from the start- and I have to be civil the whole time.
Knowing I didn't get the option to skip it because I'd have to explain it to my family who wanted to go, I pouted my whole way through getting ready. Knowing I had to be dressier, I pulled out a plaid mini dress from my closet. I grabbed a sweater to throw on under since it was colder outside. I dressed it up more with jewelry, black tights, and boots. I curled my hair with the extra time I had, throwing a clip on the back with a few stands to create the half-up-half-down look.
With barely any time left to spare, I rushed around at the end to collect up my stuff. Coach asked us all to bring our jerseys to get a team photo with us where we weren't all sweaty. I dug through my closet for mine, finding the clean white one like he'd asked. I threw it on the bed, noticing how the tape still hadn't been fixed from last game.
I tried to avoid thinking of all the memories, instead trying to remember where I'd put my red duck tape. I honestly couldn't remember, running around my room in hopes the sight of a location would spark something. Nothing did, so I huffed under my breath, grabbed my jersey, wallet, and phone, and headed downstairs in hopes of finding it.
"Oh, thank God. You're finally ready!" my mom sighed with relief as I ran down the steps.
"Yeah," I sarcastically replied. "Have you seen my red duck tape?"
"Uh... not that I believe so," my mom replied, looking around the kitchen confused as I reached the bottom step.
"Great," I sighed, looking around the room. I watched as Luke rounded the corner in a dress shirt and tie, looking up to me from his phone as I looked away.
"I have to find it before I go so you guys go, I'll follow behind," I told the group as they walked towards the door past me.
"Annie?" my mom quickly replied, trying to make sure I wasn't coming up with an excuse to skip it.
"I'll leave in less than 5 minutes if I still can't find it, but I have to fix my jersey before I can go!" I explained, running around the kitchen thinking it would be under the sink or something.
"Fine, but if you don't leave within-"
"I will, mom! Promise," I finally cut her off, running into the garage as she and Luke left out the front door.
I looked through every drawer I could find, seeing no tape anywhere in sight. I had no clue where I had left it at this point, and after I'd searched half the house, I knew my five minutes were up.
I finally just gave up, collecting up all my stuff and running out the front door to get there on time. I drove quickly with music as a distraction, arriving to the venue with a few minutes to spare.
I forced myself out of the car, dreading this more each minute. I walked quietly through the parking lot, all my stuff in hand as I entered the place.
I stepped into a big open ballroom, circle tables lining the outside, surrounding the single long table that ran down the center. The chandeliers hung tall above the tables, lighting the room nicely as I walked deeper. On the opposite side of the crowd, I entered through was a stage, awards lined across it and a screen pulled down behind.
I weaved quietly between everyone as I spotted Luke off talking to the team. I sighed, not wanting to go over and turning to search for my mom instead. I finally did spot her off talking to other parents she'd become close with after coming to these for years on end for Luke.
I knew I didn't really get a choice but to go up to the team. Regardless if I didn't trust a single one of them, faking it until I made it was my forté.
I turned back towards the table, my eyes immediately landing on him. I sucked in a deep breath just at the sight, all the memories flashing past.
He was dressed in all black, something I'd never seen him in before. The outfit itself lacked any and all color because he didn't have a color to match to me anymore. His hair fell in his normal natural curls, making me miss the feeling of running my hands through it as he pushed me to my sexual breaking. He carried his jersey with him over his arm, ignoring the conversation the other members were trying to start with him as he searched the room too.
His search stopped when our eyes met. I could see as he bit the inside of his cheek- an anxiety response he'd picked up from me. When I didn't immediately look away in fear, he did instead. He turned back to the people around him, brushing his finger off his nose to calm himself a bit thru contact. It didn't work though as I watched him stand there, trying to decide what to do.
I titled my head as I watched, seeing the way he internally battled himself to decide if it was worth coming up to me or not. The team around him tried to talk to him, and he gave short responses to end their questions quicker to get back to his task at hand.
He set his stuff down on the chair he was standing over, turning towards me again before walking across the room in my direction. I watched as he slowly paced over to me, avoiding my glance as he did.
When he finally reached me, he stopped with a bit of distance between us, shoving his hands in his pockets as I waited for him to speak first.
"Uh... hey," he awkwardly started, shifting on his feet in light nerves.
It made me laugh as I thought back to how, in the beginning, it was me shifting back and forth on my feet in anxiety- now it was him.
"Hey," I replied, standing my ground, refusing to show any weakness.
"Are you okay?" he continued, slowly falling back to our normal type of conversation.
"As good as I can be given the situation," I told him, unfolding my arms from across my chest.
I watched as he pulled one hand from his pocket, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to think of something else to say. He caught sight of my still unfixed number, pointing towards it at the new conversation starter. "Did you ever get tape to fix your number?"
I looked down to what he was talking about. "No, I lost my tape. I don't know what happened to it."
"I think it's in my car," he started, slowing down as he spoke as he realized what he was asking. "I can fix it if you... uh, want me to?"
"Yeah, I mean, I can't play without it," I shrugged, holding it out to him.
He took it from me, stepping past as he started towards the door. I originally had planned on staying put, but after realizing I'd have to go talk to the team instead, I turned and followed.
He seemed surprised as I showed up behind him, holding the door open for me to lead us out. I stepped out into the night first, following slowly behind him as he led us to his Jeep.
I couldn't help but think of all the memories that had happed within that car, making me bite my lip to stop the smile threatening through.
He unlocked the door with the key he pulled from his pocket, opening the trunk to dig through it. He stuck to one side, obviously knowing where it was as I leaned against the side of his car. We stayed silent for a while, the tension between us at an all-time high.
"Here it is," he announced as he stood back up straight, setting it down. He unfolded my jersey, laying it out on the floor of the trunk. I turned farther towards him, stepping over and lifting myself up into the trunk, sitting on the edge. He watched me as I did, trying to decide what I was doing before realizing and turning back to what he was doing.
I looked down to asphalt below us, spotting how he had a new brace on his ankle.
"Your ankle still not any better?" I asked, breaking the silence between us.
He looked down to it, moving his foot around like he was trying to understand why I was asking, "Uh, yeah. It still hurts so the trainer just said to keep wearing this smaller brace and icing it so I can be back on the field Friday. I'm just supposed to wear it during the game too."
"That's good," I replied, leaning forward as I slipped my hands under my legs. I felt how they naturally fell open, forgetting I was in a skirt. Ashton immediately noticed, his instincts kicking in as he pushed a hand against my thigh, pushing them back together. "That way you can at least have one last chance if the scouts are there again."
"I should be fine," he started, grabbing the tape to start fixing my jersey. "I did get an offer... It wasn't the school that I wanted, but at least it's something so my mom doesn't have to worry."
"That's something, right?" I encouraged, hearing his frustrations in his voice.
"Yeah, but it's almost five hours away," he quickly told me, explaining why he was so hesitant. "And I know I won't be able to survive without you for four years being that far away."
"Ash, you have to take it," I sighed, hating that he was even considering not doing it.
"Yeah, but how the hell am I going to survive without you for that long?" he asked, stopping what he was doing as he looked over to me.
"We're not even together right now," I told him, laying it flat out. I did love him, and yeah, I didn't want him to go that far away, but I was more concerned about his future than ours. "You need to start thinking about yourself. Hell, your mom too."
"Yeah, like my mom cares," he mumbled, bringing the tape he'd measured out to his teeth to rip it. He threw the roll to the side, starting to line up the piece. "It's my senior banquet, my last one ever, and she couldn't even be here."
He looked over to me as I tried to think of something to say, but in reality, I didn't know what to say. I knew how important his mom was to him. He did everything just to make her proud and her life easier, and here he was, being honored for all the things he'd done to make her proud, and she couldn't even be here to be proud of him.
"I know she has to work- it's been that same sap-story for years now- but this is literally my last thing before I graduate," he continued, spilling something he obviously had been bottling up for a while. "She missed every single one of my games. She's never even been to one of my end-of-year banquets, and now I'm just out of time. Everything's just falling apart around me and I don't have anyone anymore."
The longer he spoke, the more I realized this wasn't just about his mom- it was about us too. Everything was falling apart around him and he felt alone again, and I hated knowing I single-handedly caused that.
"You do know that even if you did destroy me and I can't trust you anymore, I still care," I explained to him, watching as he finished fixing my jersey. "I'll still be here for you even if I can't bring myself to be with you. You did the same thing for me last week."
"You promise me you're okay after all that?" he asked, looking over to me as he picked up the jersey.
"No, I'm still not okay, but I know now. Even if I don't trust you, I'm not alone," I explained to him. "I'd call you now if anything ever got that bad again."
"I'm sorry, Angel."
"I know you are."
He handed me my now-fixed jersey, stepping back away from the car.
"You're not alone," I started again, readying to get out of the back of the car. "I'm still here if you need me."
"Yeah, but all I need right now is you, but I can't have you," he explained as he stepped back up to me, leaning against the back of his car, facing me.
I scooted forward, spreading my legs apart so he stood between them. With our closer distance, I could see that green I'd learned to love, craving the way his lips used to feel against mine.
"Who says that?" I asked, shrugging in fake confusion.
"You," he laughed lightly. "Until you can trust me again- which I don't know if you ever will- I can't have you. I can't let myself have you."
"I hope I do finally learn one day how to trust you again, because I miss what we had," I told him, my glance dancing between his lips and eyes.
"I do too. Every day," he assured me.
The comfortable silence fell between us again, his glance falling from mine as he scanned my expression too. I wasn't sure what made me want to lean into him. Maybe it was the way I still craved how he tasted or maybe it was because I wished we could just go back in time. Either way, I slowly leaned into him as he followed suit.
He stopped himself before he let our lips connect, "you sure?"
I hadn't kissed him since I slept with him after our fight last week, at least to what I could remember. I missed the way he kissed me- the way his lips tasted, the way he molded to me every time, the way he always waited for me to push deeper before doing it himself too, the way he always held me in some way when he did, and especially the way it lit that spark within me for him.
I nodded, not truly knowing what I was doing except filling that craving like I had been every other time before. "Yeah."
He brought himself to me, leaning back against a hand he'd moved to support himself behind me. His other fell to my cheek, holding me close as he sparked that electricity with his touch.
It sent serotonin pushing through my vein, just like his everything did. He had me classically conditioned to him, and even now, it still affected me.
I sat up straighter to wrap my hands back around his neck, pushing deeper so he would too. I felt as his tongue asked for access, and I parted my lips farther to give it. His hand slid from my cheek down my side, settling on my waist like it always did. My hands moved to his hair, filling that wish I'd had earlier to run my fingers through it.
I slowed my movements as I begged for air, his lips slowly parting from mine. He leaned his forehead against mine, not wanting to break our contact just yet. I leaned against him too, breathing heavily from that moment as I held my eyes closed, not wanting to face what I'd just done.
He broke away first, turning completely and walking away from me as he paced the asphalt behind his car. His hand fell to his pocket again, his other rubbing his neck as he showed every anxiety response he could. "We should probably go back in. It's supposed to start soon."
I took a deep breath as I slowly realized what I'd done.
"Yeah."