"This isn't too awkward, right?" Dallon said, walking in step with Brendon. They were together for the first time since Spencer's break down. That had become a measure of time for everybody. Things had changed so much.
Tyler and Josh had basically disappeared from the group chat. They had clarified that they were fine, and at this point only talked to each other. They had reiterated the clarification that they had decided they were better off as friends and everything that had happened between them in Houston to everybody again, just so they would all be on the same page. Tyler had then said that he was done with drama, agreed with Spencer, and declared that he would be busy for the next few weeks. Josh had virtually nodded, apologized because he acknowledged that he had contributed to everything going on as well, then checked out to see his family.
Pete and Patrick were pretending like they weren't arguing anymore. They had said that they were making amends with each other but weren't sure if anything would ever be the same between them again.
Pete had elaborated that he had gotten jealous over some girl that Patrick had met and had said a few petty things in the heat of the moment and Patrick finally called Pete out about his feelings and it had spiraled and spiraled until Pete had called Patrick an attention whore that had enjoyed stringing him along and Patrick had called Pete a controlling bastard who couldn't bear to see him happy. They weren't okay, even now.
Spencer was bending himself over backwards trying to make up for destroying everything. They all had told him that it wasn't just his fault, that the stress had gotten to him, that it was everybody's responsibility, that they forgave him, that they understood.
Taylor, Jon, Geoff, Otto, and both Ryans had banded together and resolved to improve bonds and friendships and make everything better this time around. They couldn't fix the past, but they could make the present a good experience.
Brendon and Dallon were somewhere in the middle. Brendon had been the one to invite Dallon out for lunch today so they could discuss everything with the distraction of food right there if things got complicated.
"No, it doesn't feel too awkward. You don't need to worry so much, Dal," Brendon said, trying his best to soothe the man who was tentatively trying to make some sort of conversation as they walked down the avenue that the restaurant was located on. Brendon purposefully ignored how Dallon had begun to smile when he had referred to Dallon with the nickname. He wished that Dallon was over him already. Things wouldn't be so confusing if that was the reality of their situation.
"Okay, good," Dallon said, sighing in relief, his shoulders sinking from where they had been held high with tension.
"Table for two?" the waitress asked and Brendon nodded. Dallon thanked her politely, and she led them to their table.
"So, what should we address first? And before you apologize, I know, and you're fine. You don't need to apologize. I'm sorry too. I messed up too." Brendon said, a preamble of sorts to the conversation that they both knew had to be had in person instead of over their previously neglected text messages.
"We both did, didn't we?"
"Look at the state of our friend group. I'm pretty sure every single one of us fucked up one way or another." Brendon said, shaking his head grimly. He regretted so much, everybody regretted so much. It used to be so simple, just people hanging out and laughing. And now it was a mess. This is why he hadn't used to put effort into his relationships with people. It always ended poorly and ended up hurting him. Brendon wasn't sure why he was actually trying to fix it with Dallon this time, but he would figure it out. Eventually.
"Yeah," Dallon laughed, but it was short and sounded more like a scoff than anything else.
"Out of totally not self-possessed curiosity, how long?" Brendon started off. Dallon almost asked what Brendon had meant, but he knew. How long had his feelings been going on for. He would have asked the same thing.
"Awsten made me face the music and actually admit it, but for a while before that. A little bit after the art show, probably. I can't really pinpoint it. I always thought you were attractive though. I remember seeing you for the first time and thinking that you were my type and that high school me would have the biggest crush on you. I guess adult me thought the same thing," Dallon confessed.
"That's what happened in Houston?" Brendon asked. He looked into Dallon's eyes and realized that they had become that elegant blue shade of despondency again, the way they had been he and Dallon had first met. The first thing he had noticed about Dallon, his pretty, sad eyes.
"Other than Tyler and Josh's... whatever, yeah. That's what happened in Houston." Dallon said. He was fidgeting with his hands now, running fingertip pads over nails anxiously. "You're fine with me... still having feelings right? I don't want to make you uncomfortable, that is the last thing that I have ever wanted. Obviously, that seems like something obvious, I don't know. I haven't done this in years. I feel like I'm back in high school."
"I mean, romantic feelings don't exactly go away overnight, do they? I don't care much. I don't want to lose you, that's my main worry."
"You could never lose me, Brendon. Not for good. And I'm sorry that I hid for so long, it wasn't the mature decision. But please trust that I will always be here if you need it. I promise." Dallon outstretched a pinky across the table. A bit cheesy, a bit childish, but he couldn't think of any other way to get the message across. Brendon hooked his finger around Dallon's and shocks went down both of their spines.
Brendon smiled and Dallon blushed, looked away, then made eye contact. They stayed like that for a few seconds too long, fingers tangled and eyes watching each other's.
"So we're all good?" Brendon said, retracting his hand, despite wanting to keep it there, intertwine all of his fingers with Dallon's, keep their hands swinging between them while walking down the street- what. No. No, he didn't have feelings for Dallon.
He couldn't. That would be such a dick move, to reject someone, albeit unintentionally, then take it back immediately and confess. He wasn't even sure if he liked Dallon like that; this was all so confusing and the entire reason that Brendon had wanted this lunch was so that they could move on from the situation. Bury it six feet under, never mention it again.
"We're all good. I don't know about the friend group though." Dallon said, breaking Brendon's panicked train of thought with a comforting voice that made his chest feel warm.
"A lot has happened recently, hasn't it?" Brendon said, toying with the napkin on the plate in front of him. Dallon nodded silently.
"I feel bad for Taylor and Jon and both Ryans. They haven't done anything at all and they're just trying to make it better now. I feel the worst for Spencer, though. And you, but that's to be expected." Dallon said, elaborating more on his thought process.
"Yeah. We're a mess." Brendon said, pursing his lips and sighing.
"No kidding."
The rest of the lunch went rather pleasantly, Dallon trying his best to talk through all of the issues at hand without making it awkward or testing any of Brendon's very delicate boundaries. Brendon did the same, quelling his internal freakout about previous unbidden thoughts that had come out of left-field. If he was being honest, they weren't entirely out of left field. Sometimes Dallon wormed his way into Brendon's daydreams, but that was totally platonic... right?
"Hey Ryan?" Brendon asks, barreling into Ryan's apartment, slamming the door behind him. "I think I'm having a crisis."
"Not another one." Taylor groans, putting her head in her hands. She and Jon are sitting on the couch, close together. Jon appears to have been showing her something on his phone, evident from the way the positions the two were in. Ryan was in his apartment's kitchen, staring into the refrigerator intently. Brendon did not know that Jon and Taylor were there, but he didn't mind.
"I don't think I can handle another one." Jon said, bouncing off of what Taylor said. He had a point, after all. Drama had reared its ugly head, and all Jon and Taylor wanted was positivity. So, they sent each other cat videos and harassed the others with them in the group chat, that, at this point, only they used on a daily basis. To harass the rest with silly cat videos.
"It's nothing bad. At least I don't think?" Brendon said, sitting down next to Taylor and stealing Ryan's spot on his own couch.
"So. There are emotions at play here. Feelings." Ryan said, closing the fridge while simultaneously reading Brendon better than anyone ever could.
"Gross." Taylor said. "I am sick of feelings."
"Agreed. But, you should get it out of your system." Jon said, enunciating the first word. He was trying to make the friend group a safe space again, Brendon could tell. Jon just wanted everybody to feel included this time around, fix the fractures, fix the family.
Brendon baulked. He didn't exactly know how to describe what he was feeling or his thoughts out loud. He'd just barged into Ryan's apartment because he knew that Ryan would understand just by him giving him various cues towards what he meant.
"Let's put it this way. How do you know the difference between romantic and platonic feelings." Brendon said, crossing one leg over his knee and steepling his hands in a gesture towards Jon and Taylor.
"See, I've been asking myself that question for years and years."
"That's so helpful, Taylor."
"Love you too, Bren." She said, blowing a kiss in his direction. Brendon caught it and threw it across the room. Her mouth dropped open, a touch offended. He crossed his arms at her. "Come on, you love me, and you know it."
"This is true. I love you too, Taylor. Platonically. I think." Brendon joked. Obviously he didn't have feelings for Taylor, she was someone he was confident was just a friend.
"Let's hope it stays that way," she snarked back, a smile gracing her lips. She was wearing bright red lipstick, like she always was.
"If you want to kiss someone, I hate to break it to you, buddy, but that is very much romantic." Jon said, unsurprisingly being the only one to actually add some clarity to Brendon's situation.
"Not necessarily. I've kissed Spencer and I've never had romantic feelings for him ever." Ryan said noncommittally, shrugging and closing the fridge.
"When?" Taylor asked, shrieking. She sat up quickly, blinking at Ryan, who was still standing in his kitchen. Brendon was not aware of this information either.
"Like, a year ago."
"Ignoring Ryan and Spencer's torrid affair, it really depends. It's kind of a subjective topic. But, I'd say if you want to do things with that person that wouldn't be seen as platonic then it's probably not platonic." Jon said, talking over Taylor, who was trying to pry out details from Ryan.
"If you would be homoerotically shipped with your co-star in a movie based on what you want to do with this person, it is probably romantic." Ryan offered from the kitchen, a piece of advice, though niche, made sense.
"There's your example."
"That reminds me, I'm still mad about the whole Supernatural thing." Taylor brought up.
"Aren't we all?" Brendon replied to her, chuckling.
'Well, fuck,' he thought. That answered it. He knew he had feelings for Dallon, and realistically, it had probably been a lot longer than he had been ruminating upon his emotions. He'd known for a long time. It was just a matter of realizing them. And not hiding behind his cowardice. He needed someone else to spell it out for him. As the conversation with Ryan, Jon, and Taylor progressed away from Brendon's original question, a new question to obsess over came to the forefront of his mind. What was he going to do about this?