LILITH'S TORMENT
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December arrived with a huge grey cloud over London; the cold could be felt in every corner of the city, the Wizarding World was more and more concerned and alerted at the Death Eaters' next movement and even the muggles felt drained of any energy. I occupied my days training hard with the Harpies, doing my best during the matches and trying to spend as much time with Fred as our tight schedules allowed us. My feelings for him did nothing more than grow and grow during those days, unexpected, right?
Before I could make any plan for Christmas - maybe going with Liv and Pauline to the Lovegood's house in the middle of rural Ireland - a letter from Mrs Weasley arrived at my house a week before, surprising me.
"Is your mother-in-law calling you?" Pauline winked at me, handing me the letter from the Weasley family's old owl.
I scowled, confused, but still smiled at her. "You sure it's for me? Maybe the owl mistook our address with the twins'."
"Nah, chérie, it says your name. There's no other Lilith."
I opened it carefully and read the note; it was the invitation to spend Christmas at the Burrow with Hermione, Harry, Remus, Tonks and the rest of the Weasleys. With him.
"You should go," Liv quickly said, reading the letter from above my shoulder.
"You don't mind?"
"Of course not! We'll visit you anyway."
When I was about to reply, a whistle behind me called our attention. Both Fred and George were poking out their kitchen window with big smiles on their faces.
"Ladies! Morning!" Fred talked first.
"Lilith, please, tell me you're coming to the Burrow with us. I don't think I can bear with this dickhead alone," George continued, looking at me while pointing out at his twin.
Fred nudged him and I grinned;
"Sure, Georgie. I'll be there for you."
"Take that, you idiot!" he mocked at Fred, whose eyes kept on mine with a soft and at the same time mischievous bright.
"I'm still her favourite twin, you wanker. Aren't I, Lilith?"
I stared at his messy ginger hair, looking like eager and consuming fire in contrast with his snow-white skin and those eyes looking like melted bronze that hunted me so deeply.
How could you not be, Freddie? If I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new.
"I'm not answering that," I snickered, "You fuck me but Georgie brings me chocolate at the Quidditch field, that gains points."
"HA!" George burst, amused. "Told you, Freddie. Can't compete with me."
✵ ✵ ✵
The night before going to the Burrow, with all my luggage ready for the two weeks I was planning to stay there, I went to bed with a sour flavour in my mouth. For some reason, I couldn't help but keep remembering my nightmares even though I hadn't had them in a good couple of weeks thanks to how exhausted I arrived at home after work. After coming out of the shower, Liv noticed my uncomfortableness and offered herself to sleep with me in case I needed it, but I didn't want to bother her more than I already did so I managed to force a smile - that I'm sure she didn't fully believe - and go straight to my bed, hoping not to dream anything.
But it didn't work.
As soon as my head rested over the pillow, the scenario in my head started to ramble through the most absolute darkness of my mind.
I was in the Arambella House, for the first time in years, the scenario wasn't the empty, cold and grey walls of Azkaban. The woody walls covered in ripped portraits of the noble Arambella family were dusty and spotted with dry blood. The coldness pierced my body, gripping my bones as I walked through the dark corridors to what it used to be before the living room.
She was there. As she always was.
"Lili, baby," Circe murmured with her snake-like sharp voice, looking at me with her black dark eyes. She wasn't wearing the attire she was obligated to wear at Azkaban, instead, her lanky and skeletal figure was hugged by an expensive black dress. The same one she was using the day she was caught.
I rolled my eyes, already fed up with her.
"Can't you leave me a single fucking dream alone, mother?"
She arched one of her eyebrows and the corners of her lips twisted in a malevolous smirk.
"Oh, you pretentious girl," she tutted, approaching me. The sunlight entered through the enormous window, making the shadows in her bony face sharper, giving her a deadly look. "Thought I had taught you some manners. What way of greeting mommy is that?"
"You don't deserve anything from me, Circe."
"No, Lili. You are the one who doesn't deserve anything from me," she murmured with her calm tone, standing right in front of me. "But you're my daughter after all, and what kind of mom would I be if I didn't try with all my strength to bring you back to me?"
"We already had this conversation, mother," I crossed my arms in front of my chest, looking away from her and trying to stay firm. "I'm not joining you, no matter what you do. The only place where I'd be going with you is to Hell."
"I have done everything for you. I sacrifice myself for you. I became a criminal for you."
"For me? How dare you, you fucking selfish bitch? You became the criminal you are today because of your thirst for revenge against Ares. Not for me."
Her face became more dismal when she heard my father's name and I could have sworn she had her eyes watered.
"Don't mention his name in my presence, Lili," she remained calm, but I knew her, she was swallowing her own pain. "I did what I did because I didn't want you to be like me. I joined the fool of Riddle because even though his blood is polluted too, he was the only one who offered me a good future for you, away from the mudbloods and the muggles, and the only one who gave me the possibility to revenge myself from that homewrecker."
"You've found him?" I asked, feeling the sorrow drive through my veins.
"No, Lili, but I will. I promise you I will," she smirked again. "But you, oh, my baby, your blood was polluted too, too much for me to save you. I should have known the moment I saw your green eyes looking just like his. I tried to, Merlin knows I tried to make you the perfect weapon for the Dark Lord, to make you my revengeful angel...and I would have made it if the stupid Order of the Phoenix and the pollution in your blood hadn't stopped me."
"If I'm polluted then so are you. Have you forgotten you are a Halfblood too, Circe?"
She tilted her head to the right as if she couldn't believe what I was telling her.
"I know, but unlike you, I am purifying myself by joining the Dark Lord and repenting from my mistakes. You're so quick to detach yourself from me, Lili, but we aren't so different after all. I fell in love with a muggle but you were even worse," she giggled, swallowing hard at the memory of my father. "You fell in love with a blood traitor. How low of you, baby."
"Shut up, his mere name is way out of your league."
"Whatever you say, Lili. But you know I'm right. And you know exactly what would happen. He will tell you he loves you back - how couldn't he when you are such a doll with such an angel face? -, he will promise you the entire world, he will raise your hopes to the stars..." Circe whispered, with a soft voice and her stare lost. "and when you think you can't feel higher, you can't be more in love with him and you can barely breathe without him... that's when he will leave you. They always do. It's in their nature."
"That's not true," I managed to say, even though her words were cutting me below my skin forming a big knot in my throat. I knew I wasn't enough for Fred. I knew he deserved someone better.
"Isn't it, Lili? Haven't all the men in your life abandoned you? The despicable roguish of your father, my own brother leaving you every year at the care of those elves, barely visiting you and barely taking care of you, your dear Cedric, even the Malfoy boy... what do you expect from that blood traitor?"
"Don't even dare to mention Cedric," I mumbled, full of rage. "Your dearest Dark Lord was the one who took him from me. And don't you dare to name Draco either. If he left me is because he is protecting me precisely from you, you bitch."
She chuckled evilly again. "However you're going to call it. They left you, just like they did with me. The Dark Lord is the only one who stays. He is the only right answer."
I tried to force myself to wake up, but it was useless. I kept seeing her in front of me.
A grey mist started to surround us and a heavy storm could be heard from outside. The strong wind hit the opened windows covering both her and me till the core. She didn't flinch.
"If you don't believe me, Lili. If you still think he is going to love you. If you still think for the tiniest moment that he won't leave you at the first opportunity, then look by yourself."
She opened solemnly her arm, pointing at where on one of the fancy chairs from the dining table was Fred sat. But he wasn't alone. Her tanned legs swung at every side of his hips while his hands were tightly gripped on hers. Her arms were around his neck while she glued her chest to his and their lips moved against each other eagerly and passionately. I heard him moan and my heart fell to the floor into millions of pieces.
My Freddie...
"You see, Lili? This is what is going to happen, sooner or later. That filthy blood traitor and her disgusting Plums mudblood have more things in common than you could imagine, and if he doesn't leave you for her, he will leave for any other."
"Freddie..." I felt the knot becoming tighter in my throat and I could feel myself drowning in sadness.
His lips separated from hers to look at me, both of them with mockery and the arrogance in their eyes. "I'm sorry, Lilith. I tried to love you, I promise you I did. But you weren't enough, darling."
I swallowed my own tears not allowing myself to cry in front of them.
"You're manipulating me, Circe. Fred doesn't like Sienna."
My mother smiled again and the whole scenario changed once more. Showing us at the door of the Arambella mansion, with an older version of myself in front of us, a little girl in my arms, 2 or 3 years old - with big green eyes and soft ginger curls, beautiful, the most beautiful baby I have ever seen - and an older Fred walking through the door.
"Fine, Lili. Imagine for a moment that this is your life, that he really and actually loves you and you two end up together like the happy and stupid traitor family you want to have with him," Circe started, walking by my side to show me the scene. Fred was looking almost like he did nowadays, but the wrinkles were starting to show in his skin and the boredom and dullness in his eyes were impossible to hide. "Are you so stupid not to know that he would do exactly what your father did?"
Fred walked through the door forcing a little smile that ended up looking more like a thin line on his lips as my older version waved at him while the baby girl in my arms rested her head in my shoulder.
The next scene was that same older version of me crying, kneeled at the centre of the living room, shouting Fred's name as the same baby looked at me from behind the door with fear in her little puppy eyes.
"No," I refused with a trembly voice, walking backwards, trying to distance myself from the scene. "No, no. That's not going to happen."
The scene changed one last time and my memory of seeing Ares leaving home, with the last look he gave me, filled the place. I felt my whole body numb and Circe held her breath by my side.
"I know you hate me, Lili," she murmured, unable to keep her eyes away from Ares. "And you are in your full right to do so. I never loved you enough and never will. But it doesn't matter how much you try to cut off our bond, how much you try to erase the part of me living inside of you or how much you try not to be like me. We will always be connected. You're mine, Lili, you're condemned to repeat my story."
"No."
"And it doesn't matter how much you try to hide from me. I will find you."
"I said no!"
"You can't escape from me, Lili."
"NO!" a strong shout rasped my throat as I woke up, followed by the memory of my nightmare making me burst into tears. "No, no, no! Please, leave me alone!"
"Darling..." I heard Fred's voice from between my sobs. Still thinking I was in a dream, or a nightmare more like, he sat in front of me and caught my hands between his. "Lilith, is this what happens when you have a nightmare?"
I tried to wipe out my tears because I hated being so weak in front of him. Unable to form a word, I nodded, feeling completely embarrassed that he had seen me going through one of my nightmares.
Fred clicked his tongue and passed his hands around my waist to pull me closer to him and hug me tightly, letting me feel his scent and his warm touch. "Oh, angel...I'm so sorry."
The softness in his tone made me sob even harder, he was being there for me, consoling me and holding the broken pieces of me between his arms...and I couldn't forget my mother's words echoing in the back of my mind.
"What 're you doing here?" I asked, moving from his hug, already missing the warmth coming from his chest. He looked at me worried, as if I was a bomb about to explode, and kept caressing my hands.
"I came to take you with me to the Burrow. Liv told me you were still asleep so I offered to wake you up."
"Oh, sorry, did I make you wait for too long?" I stood up from bed, trying to put distance over us but keeping my soft tone.
I am not enough for him. He is full of light, I don't want to be the darkness that turns off that light. I am not enough for him.
"No, it's okay," he said softly, observing how I changed my clothes. "Darling, can I make you a question?"
"Go on," I said, not completely sure.
"What was the nightmare about?"
I sighed. I could still feel the cold in my bones.
"About her. It's always about her." I murmured, looking at my feet. If I looked again at his worried eyes I would burst into tears again. "Let's go. I don't wanna make your mum wait."
He stood up from my bed and hugged me from behind, hiding his face in my neck and sending quivers all over my body as a huge fire exploded in my heart.
"I'm incredibly sorry again, darling. I wish you didn't have to go through that shit," he whispered against my skin. I wanted to turn around and kiss him, hear him saying how much he loved me too and that he will never leave me. Instead, I palmed his arms around my waist.
"I'm already used," I replied with the softest voice I could. "Shall we go?"
He took a deep breath and separated from me, nodding. When I was about to move to the door, trying to put more distance between us, he caught my hand into his, interlacing his fingers tightly with mine.
Oh, Freddie, you aren't helping me to not love you even more.