"But you never said anything."
"And when exactly would I have said anything to you about it?!! From the one, one word telegram that you sent me when Dimitri and I saved Lissa from Victor Dashkov? I believe the word that you sent was 'pathetic' if I am not mistaken."
(YES, MY DEARS, I KNOW THAT WASN'T WHAT THE TELEGRAM ACTUALLY SAID. LOL.)
"It's Guardian Bel..." She tried to interrupt my rant, but I didn't give her the chance. I just waved her words away with my hand and continued to talk.
"Or from the seven word email that you sent to me when Lissa and I were brought back to the academy. Telling me just how ashamed of me and being known as my birth mother that you are? How selfish and useless that I am. This, right here today..." I pointed towards the floor where we stood facing off with each other.
"... is the only time that you have let me know that you have even been on campus since the day that you abandoned me here over fifteen fucking years ago. Before I was even old enough for fucking preschool as a matter of a fucking fact. Oh, I know that you have been here over a dozen fucking times over the years, because I saw you. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. But you made sure to try and avoid me like I had the fucking black plague or some other kind of shit like that. 'Social distancing' is that what you called it? All of which is just fucking fine with me. Because you are nothing to me, do you understand that?!! You are fucking nothing to me!!! Now get your ass out of my room and stay the fucking hell away from me and the fuck out of my life!!!" I roared at her this time as I got right up in her face again.
"Watch your language young lady. I..."
"Go to hell bitch!! But only after you get the fuck out of my mother fucking room you fucking bitch." She wasn't even smart enough to know that I was swearing so much just to piss her the hell off.
She just stood there and stared at me for several long moments before she opened her mouth to say something else. Only I cut her ass off again. "Get the fucking hell out of my fucking room and the hell back out of my fucking life!!!"
Finally she left, after having stared at me completely dumbstruck for a few moments. I was soooo hoping that she would refuse to leave so that I could call Alberta and tell her that I needed some guardians to come and take the garbage out for me. But unfortunately, and a hell of a lot less fun, she went on her merry little way. 'Garbage' being our code word, worked out years and years and years ago, for Janine.
She hadn't even cared that she had metaphorically broken my heart into millions of tiny little pieces and ripped my soul to shreds. Just like a meat grinder would have done to my heart physically. And not with just her attitude towards me, but mostly with her words about Dimitri leaving me to be with that scar faced sagging old Ozera porcine. Actually, if I am being completely honest. The only things that she said that bothered me were about Dimitri leaving me to go fuck that whore aunt of poor Christian.
All that had ever mattered to Janine Hathaway was that I wasn't behaving as her fucking clone. She had never loved me; she had never wanted me; she had never cared anything whatsoever about me and she sure as hell had never wanted to be around me. So what in the hell difference did it make to her how I acted or what I said and did?
No, I didn't even really have to ask that question because I already knew exactly why the way that I acted and spoke mattered to her. I knew that the only reason why what I said did and how I acted mattered to her. I knew that the only reason that anything about me mattered to her.
It was because she was worried about how it would reflect upon her, her reputation and her standing in the moroi and dhampir world. And the perception of how people might see that we were connected in some way. And she wanted as few people, in this or any other world, as possible to connect her to me in any way. Which was perfectly fucking fine with me.
God, what a raging fucking bitch!!
I pulled my guitar case out from under my bed took out my guitar, sat back down on my bed and made sure that it was tuned properly. Then I started playing and singing a song that I had written, in my head, as Janine told me about Dimitri abandoning me to be with that ugly old scar faced bitch Tasha fucking Ozera.
A normal mother, like Alberta, would care that they had broken their daughters heart. But not Janine Hathaway, oh no not her, not fucking ever. She worried and cared for no one other than herself and her precious ass royal moroi. But that is ok too, if that is the way that she wants to live her pathetic excuse for a life, cutting herself from everyone who might ever care for her, then so fucking be it. Fucking cruel ass bitch.
I overheard a conversation your name was mentioned in.
But they didn't talk about us, only her again.
I didn't want to listen, but I hung on every word.
They said some things I wish I hadn't heard.
Rumor has it she has you?
Rumor has it you love her too.
Talk is cheap, but the price is high when it's true.
Rumor has it she has you?
This town's so small a whisper can be heard a mile away.
And people here will gossip when there's nothing else to say.
I wouldn't have believed my ears, but I see it in your eyes.
The stories goin' 'round this town aren't lies.
Rumor has it she has you?
Rumor has it you love her too.
Talk is cheap, but the price is high when it's true.
Rumor has it she has you?
Whoa....rumor has it she loves you...
(DPOV)
I decided that I should be an adult and talk to Rose about Tasha's offer for me to become her guardian and having a family with her. Although I could never really be with Tasha, or anyone else but my Roza.
I could at the very least be Tasha's guardian, at least until the pain of being away from lyubov' moya drove me completely mad. So, I mentally pulled myself up by my bootstraps and headed toward lyubov' moya dormitory building. (my love, my loves)
I took a few steps inside the building that the love of my life lived in. And when I did, I heard what can only be described as an angelic voice singing a song that I had never even heard before.
But the song that was being sung, was being sung with a voice that was sooo sad. And filled with a great deal of heart breaking pain, heartache and grief.
There was so much pain and grief in that voice in fact, that it was almost painful to even listen to it. I don't know what happened to whoever it is, but it must be very tragic to cause them this much pain and heartache.
Maybe they had even lost someone that they loved dearly, like a parent a sibling or some other loved one, I don't know. But I hope that they will be better soon because no one deserves to be in that kind of pain.
When I made my way to Roza's door, it became glaringly obvious to me that it was my Roza who was singing. I still don't know what happened, but it was obvious to me that her heart is broken, shattered even, and her soul is smashed to pieces.
I could actually hear the pain and the tears in her voice as she sang. And going by the words of the song that she was singing. I knew that whatever had made her this upset and broken hearted had something to do with me. The words of her song assured me of that, there was no doubt in my mind about it.
I stood there, my own heart broken, but still listening to my Roza sing her heart out for a bit and then I just happened to look up. And when I did, I saw the captain of the academy guardians Guardian Alberta Petrova, heading my way. And chert did she look pissed. (damn)
I had never, in my entire two years at the academy, seen her this angry. Not even at Alto, unless it had something to do with the way that he treats my Roza that is. And even then, she wasn't this furious; but she was pretty chert close. (damn)
So I knew that if she found out that Roza was in this much pain because of me, because of something that I had said or done. Then she would, without a doubt, kick my zhopa. And I would deserve it to, especially after the way that I have spoken to and mistreated the love of my life since the day that we met. (ass)
My mother had taught me how to properly treat a woman, like the very treasured, precious and cherished lady that she is. Like a gift sent by God himself, because that is exactly what she is, what Roza is to me. And I had most definitely not done that with my Roza.
And if my poor dear mother knew the way that I have been behaving with Roza. Then she would, also without a doubt, kick my zhopa herself. As would my babushka and all three of my sisters. And all five of them would be right and just in doing so, just as Alberta would be, because I definitely deserved it. And I deserve it very badly. (grandmother, ass)
I never in my life wanted any of the women of my family to be treated, by a man they loved or anyone else for that matter, the way that I have treated my Roza. If that happened, I would beat their asses stupid myself. So no, I most certainly could not and do not blame Alberta for the fury on her face. Or my family for what would be inside their heads and hearts if they ever found out.
When Alberta reached Roza's door, she first looked at the door, then she turned to look at me. She stood there listening to the woman that I love more than life itself sing for a few moments without saying a single word to me.
But just because she stood there silently and stared at me angrily as we listened to lyubov' moya sing. Did not mean that her body wasn't vibrating, even humming with her tightly contained fury and rage, because it most definitely was. Her anger rolled off of her like waves of blinding heat from the asphalt on a scorching hot summer day in the month of July in Mississippi. (my love)
I could see the anger building in Alberta more and more with every passing microsecond. With each and every single word that my soul mate sang, as she started her song over again for the third time since I've been standing here at her dorm room door listening, Alberta got angrier and angrier and angrier still. Her eyes pierced me like railroad spikes and nailed me to the cinder block wall behind me with her rage.
She finally looked into my eyes and growled. "What in the hell did you do?!!"
"What do you mean Guardian Petrova?"
'Yeah, that was really smooth Belikov. She is really likely to believe that you honestly have no idea whatsoever what in the chert voz'mi that she is talking about. Yeah, right.' I thought to myself. (fucking hell)
"Do you hear her?!" She asked as she flung her hand in the direction of my Roza's dorm room door. If she had been an air user, she would have blasted the door down and out the window on the other side. With the power of a hurricane with as much anger and fury as she flung her hand towards that door with.
"Yes, she truly has a beautiful voice. I never knew that she could sing like that, well at all actually."
'Yeah, just keep digging that grave just a little bit deeper you moron.' I thought to myself again as I inwardly cringed at my own words and stupidity.
"Can you not hear and feel the hurt, the heart break and the pain in her voice even from out here Belikov?! Seriously, even you have to hear the tears in her voice."
My heart broke once again, because somehow, I still knew that that pain that Alberta just spoke of was there because of me. I didn't know what had specifically caused it this time. But I knew that all of that heartache and pain was there because of me, there wasn't even the slightest amount of doubt about that. Not to me, and definitely not to Alberta either it would seem.
"What do you mean?"
'Stupid question from an apparently struck completely stupid man. Chert, my idiocy is going to bury my zhopa soon.' I thought to myself once again. (damn, ass)
She took a deep breath, pinched the bridge of her nose, closed her eyes and sighed before she looked back up at me and explained herself. "She hasn't been this upset in years. Not since the Dragomir's died and only once before that. In all the years that she has been here, this is only the third time that she's been this heart broken. Now I ask you once again, and I want a fucking answer this time. What. Did. You. Do?!"
"Nothing, I got here just a few minutes before you did."
"Don't be obtuse Belikov!!"
She studied me shrewdly for a few moments before she asked me her next question. "Do you love her?"
I was shocked by her blatant question, and I knew that it showed on my face. "I don't know what you mean Guardian Petrova."
I couldn't actually deny it and say, 'no, I don't'. I just could not bring myself to say those words. It would shatter my own heart forever if I ever uttered those very untruthful words.
She narrowed her eyes at me. "Answer my question and answer it RIGHT NOW!!" She gritted out from between her clenched teeth and jaws.
"Guardian Petrova, I am her mentor, I am seven years older than she is..."
Not that that really meant much since Tasha is eight almost nine years older than me. And she has always been trying to get me to be with her.
(YES, MY DEARS, I KNOW THAT IN THE BOOKS TASHA IS NOT ALMOST NINE YEARS OLDER THAN DIMITRI. BUT HEY YOU GUYS ALL KNOW ME. 😊)