My mother poked my cheeks.
"So, what troubles you?"
".... Um, it's actually about mana."
That was not precisely what was troubling me. But she didn't need to learn the truth. Plus, I was truly struggling on what I told her.
"What do you mean?"
"I was trying to exert mana, but nothing is happening."
"You are having trouble with that? I thought you could easily do it."
"..."
I have nothing to say. After all, I was not originally from this world. Therefore, trying to learn something unique in this world was not easy.
"For some reason, mana doesn't like me."
I giggled after I said that in a jesting manner.
"Hehe, is that so? Then, I suppose I should help you..." She said as she stroked my head. "How are you trying to control mana, Estelia?"
"Um, I imagine it, will it, command it. Something like that."
"I see. But, even if it is a part of you, you must not differentiate it as an entirely different thing... Mana is no mere tool to be used to cast magic."
"What do you mean?"
"The mana inside you is you, one could say. It is no limb that you can use to reach out, it is you."
That was quite vague.
"You control mana because it is you, your will, your imaginations, your visions. But I know this is a very vague explanation, and mostly figurative. My grandfather told me that. But in short, do not see mana as a tool, understand it, comprehend it, see it as part of you, and it will follow you."
I was indeed seeing mana and magic as tools of destruction. Methods and ways to eliminate my enemies. That was all it was.
But my mother was telling me to see it other than that.
This world lacks logic. No, magic lacks logic.
It was hard to do.
But, I might be able to put this knowledge to use.
"Do you understand, Estelia? That is my tip for you in learning how to control your mana. But furthermore..."
She held out her hand forward, I stared at it while my head laid on her lap.
Just then I turned stiff for a second inn surprise.
What?
There was nothing new that happened. Nothing fell, nothing came up, just nothing. But, I felt something strange. I stared intently at my mother's hand, that was the source of the feeling, this discomfort, this strange pressure.
My mother's hand was emanating an unperceivable force, touching me.
"Do you feel it?" my mother asked softly.
"What is going on?"
"This is plain mana. You cannot see it, don't you?"
She called it mana, but there was nothing.
"You cannot see mana unless it is given form."
She said. I thought I would be able to see when one exerts mana. But, I didn't expect it would actually be unperceivable by the naked eye.
"Watch, my daughter."
Then, the once invisible force began to show itself. No, rather, it was given form. My eyes went wide as I watched a beautiful light of azure begin to emanate from my mother's palm.
A dazzling light, glittering like stars you see in the night sky. The light appeared to melt like fluid, then, like a calm stream of the river, it moved around her palm, leaving trails of glittering dust in this wake.
It was mesmerizing, this one was calm, peaceful, beautiful, unlike the magic I saw from the knights that only brought destruction. The stream of azure twisted and revolved, as though dancing.
It ascended in the air and it began to physically change, reshaping itself. It formed what it appeared to be wings, then feathers, and finally, I could finally tell what it was.
It flapped its wings as it flew around the two of us, leaving sparkling dusts with each flap. My mother caressed my head, but my whole attention was towards the blue bird.
It lowered down in front of my face, I extended my finger towards it. The bird landed on my slender finger, it stared at me as it tilted its head. I unconsciously smiled, when I realized it, it baffled me.
How could such a little thing make me smile?
"You like it?" my mother asked.
"... Yes."
I like it.
"That's good. Well, this is about one of the very few things that I can do since I stopped."
She said it, but even so, it made me wonder how strong she truly was.
"Very few...? But, you must still be strong, mother."
"Strong? Not really, I am about, below average. But perhaps, if I kept learning, I might have become something more. However, I am no longer young, and I have to take care of you and your brothers first."
She leaned closer to me, I looked at her eyes.
"But you are still young, my daughter. And... given how things are now, you must become strong, stronger than me," she faintly smiled. "I wish that you could achieve more, be safe always, live long."
I saw worry in her eyes, and fear along with it. What caused her to feel those emotions? I could not understand. This was all sudden.
"Always remember, my daughter, wherever you are, what might happen," she formed a warm and fondly smile before saying. "I love you."
I have nothing to say. I do not know what to feel. All I could do was stare at her silently, her words echoing in my mind.