I haven’t had time lately (and luckily no one notices, because when I have no time, I just post Pretty Little Bones because I have the whole thing written, I just like breathing room between those updates. It makes me look like I’ve been writing. Yeah, it’s super smart of me.)
Anyway, this rant is something I threw together while watching it snow and wondering how many times I can throw a tennis ball at my wall before my neighbors take the hint and stop screaming at their video game (EDIT: It’s thirty-seven).
So here you go: Things Writers should know about Trauma/Abuse Backstories
1. Having experienced a tough childhood does not make you become a bad person.
This one pisses me off to no end. It’s ignorant.
Honestly, it’s the thing I’m most proud of my best friend for: he insists that just because people were bad to him when he was a child it does not give him the right to be bad to people now.
That’s been the one thing I’ve always been very, very conscious of and always, always strived toward since I was five. It’s gotten me through a lot of self-loathing and pity.
No matter how many shitty things happened in your past, it does not give you an excuse to be a bad person. I don’t care what happened, it will never be a good enough reason. You chose what to do with what life gave you.
And I’m sure saying that’s going to make a lot of people angry, and I can sit here and list out all the reasons why I have more than enough merit in this argument, but I won’t. I don’t use it for excuses.
Seriously, though, I get it. Trauma comes with a lot of animosity. It’s hard (some would say impossible) to just be open and forgiving. Honestly, I don’t expect every character to bounce back and be incredibly nice as compensation like my best friend. He’s amazing. That’s something you won’t see twice in your lifetime. But it would be nice if everyone stopped using it as an excuse for anything and everything.
You know, people that experienced abuse as a kid don’t automatically just become bad boys or assholes. My best friend is the nicest guy you’ll ever meet and do you know why? Because he decided he didn’t have to be that person. (I on the other hand will accept the title of asshole, because I have an entire rant book (but that’s just because I’m truly a bitch).) Which leads me to:
2. It should only be used for character development.
If you’re using a tragic past for shock factor, stop. Seriously. That’s disrespectful to everyone that’s ever experienced anything, because it’s pointless.
I’m sorry, but wasting years being abused isn’t something you throw around to draw a gasp or get sympathy. In fact, most people I know that have experienced something awful don’t want sympathy or empathy or anything. If they talk about it, it’s not for attention. It’s for education.
Honestly, it’s probably the biggest impact you’ll ever have in your life. Graduating, getting married, having kids, landing that dream job with the dream life to go with it, will never change you as much as trauma and tragedy. Sorry to say, but it really, really does.
Being abused or experiencing trauma forces you to change. It’s one of those monuments that creates a before and after point in your life. There’s no way you get out of it without being at least a little different.
So if you’re going to throw in some sort of backstory, make damn sure it’s not just for more reads or a “poor character” moment. It’s because that moment made a huge impact.
That being said:
3. Not everything has to stem from/involve that trauma.
I’m allowed to laugh. I’m allowed to smile and have fun. I don’t always have to be angry or upset. I can be okay.
That’s always been my favorite thing my best friend has ever said, because it’s so true. People that experience “tragic” pasts or whatever don’t constantly have to live in the shadow of it. Yeah, it changes your life and you’ll never be the same, but that doesn’t mean every change has to be bad.
Sometimes it means you start enjoying little things a lot more, or you start trying to fill all the voids it left with happiness.
I love laughing. It’s my favorite. If you have a joke, tell me, because who doesn’t love fun and laughing? Seriously! It’s okay to have light moments in an otherwise heavy, twisted story. You don’t have to live in the dark forever. The sun’s always going to shine, you just have to open your window.
4. The past shouldn’t consume the present or future.
This goes with the last one pretty well. It doesn’t always have to be about the trauma suffered in the past. You can have hopes and you can chase your dreams. It’s not against the law.
Every little thing doesn’t have to lead back to that. Sometimes you want to go to a party, or stay up late and eat ice cream, or buy a new shirt, or read a giant novel, or listen to a new band, or watch a horrible movie, because you want to. Not because you have something to prove to your past, but just because.
That’s okay. There can be a just because.
It’s not being disrespectful to put the past aside sometimes. It’s human.
5. It’s not just about the people. It’s about the mind.
This is the absolute worse part about the tragedy and trauma backstory: we forget that when it’s over it’s not really over at all. Honestly, PTSD is a bitch that no one seems to explore in its fullest sense. Instead, it’s all about “feel sorry for me” or “I’m making a big statement”.
But sometimes the biggest statement you can make is the smallest gesture. For once, I want someone to acknowledge that being abused or experiencing trauma leaves a huge mental scar that isn’t diminished if it’s not debilitating.
So you don’t want to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. So you don’t want to use a traumatic backstory as an excuse for everything. That doesn’t mean you don’t suffer mentally from it.
In these stories, the characters show serious, amplified mental illness as a result. But the scary part, it’s usually not amplified to the world. You’d be amazing how many people suffer from some sort of anxiety, or depression, or other illnesses brought on by trauma. They just don’t flaunt it like the characters in these stories do.
Please someone explore this correctly. Please.
6. Characters aren’t going to share their trauma with new people immediately.
I don’t think people realize that hiding abuse and trauma is actually a huge, huge accomplishment. Seriously, hearing the phrase “I had no idea” always makes me smile, because in a sick way, it’s a proud moment. All the suffering is suddenly validated.
It’s saying you had a shitty, horrible experience that comes with lots of trauma and mental disturbance and so many red flags and symptoms, but you made it. You won. It’s kind of this feeling of control, really. It’s sick. It’s weird. But it’s one of the best and worst feelings anyone can ever experience.
It took me ten years to tell my best friend about what happened when I was a kid and I still have never told my family about it. Fifteen years and I’ve only told one person what happened.
You’re not going to tell the new kid that just moved into town about all your trauma because they have pretty eyes. It’s so much harder than that.
Really, after a while the only things that get people to talk are basically: 1. Getting caught in a lie, 2. Years of building confidence, 3. Statute of limitations.
So if you’re going to have your character spill their guts to someone new within a few days of knowing them, this person better already have background (second hand knowledge) or they better catch your character in a web of lies. That’s really, the only plausible way.
That’s all, but I have two things to tell you. 1. Shadow6162 is writing a story about a kid committing suicide and his best friend trying to go back and pick up on the mental clues (like we talked about in number five). Check it out. I think she’ll do really good things with it. (It’s called The Rope’s Secret).
And 2. Carilia is writing a character with a huge abuse back story. We’ve talked about it quite a bit and she’s posted the first little bit. Obviously she has a good grasp on this. She’s gotta be conscious of all this stuff in this chapter which will be hard, but she can do it. Go check that out too. (It’s called The Label).
I wasn’t kidding when I said you guys can leave links and stuff to your stories in the comments or ask questions or whatever. These people did and I’m super excited about what they’re coming up with! Go support them. Go!
And wow, that was another heavy rant. Fuck. I thought I wouldn’t do those anymore. Anyway, would anyone care for a lighthearted story?
Oh, I have one! My brother and I usually text each other daily and our conversations always end up just being lyrics from Disney movies. It’s super great considering that we aren’t little kids nor do we have any children.
But I tried it with my best friend (because he’s not educated on Disney songs like he should be) and I got through nearly the entirety of “I Can Go the Distance” before he realized and said “Goddammit, Addy. I was really worried about you for a sec. Tell me next time when you’re fucking with me so I don’t accidentally care.”
See what happens when we sing Disney songs, kids. We make people care.