~
"There are wounds that never
show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."
~
"Good morning Emma." Dr. Moore says the next day as I walk into his office. I was supposed to come in yesterday, but homecoming and everything was going on, so we rescheduled for today.
Last week, I didn't physically come into his office because I was in a lot of pain, so my mom forced me to do a video call with him during the week.
"Morning..." I mumble, taking a seat.
"How are you today?" He asks me, taking a seat in his chair.
I hesitate before answering. "I've been better."
"Do you want to elaborate on that?" He asks me.
Not really.
He takes my silence as an answer and begins to speak again.
"Okay, how about we switch things up today and do a little exercise?"
"Okay." I mumble, sighing to look out the window. His exercises are always the worst.
"In our last meeting virtually, we talked about the incident that occurred last week. You mentioned that Mason took things from you. What's something that he hasn't taken?"
"I don't know Dr. Moore...he took everything from me, and he still is." I say, sighing frustratedly.
"Define everything."
I look at him like he's dumb.
Isn't he the one with the degree here?
"I think you know what the definition of everything is." I tell him, rolling my eyes.
"Emma, despite what you may think, I cannot read your mind." He starts, putting down his notebook. "We have these sessions so that I can help you, and I genuinely do want to help you. So how about we start at a different angle?"
"Okay." I say, sighing.
"When this past incident happened with Mason, what did you feel he took from you?"
"My will to fight back."
He's quiet for a moment, forming the words he wants to say.
"Why did you feel that?"
Sighing, I look out the window. "He's stronger than me, taller than me, better than me. He's always going to be there. He's always going to hurt me. So what's the point of fighting back?"
"Because Emma, underneath all your emotional, and even physical, scars you are strong. Even the greatest of warriors get back up even if it looks hopeless. Even if it looks like they're going to lose. You are a warrior Emma, and you can't give up."
'~'
Warrior.
That word keeps repeating in my head since leaving Dr. Moore's office.
As I walk out to my car, my phone suddenly rings. I look down to see Travis' name and frown. He never calls me.
"Hello?"
"Hey Em." He says.
"Are you good?" I ask, opening my car door.
"Yeah! I was actually wondering if you wanted to get together and hang out? I know that you don't normally like to after therapy, but we never hang out."
I sigh, leaning back into my seat. He's right, a lot has happened these past few weeks and I feel like I never have any one-on-one time with the gang besides Dwight.
You might as well.
"Sure, I just finished at therapy. Where do you wanna meet?"
"Is my place good?" He asks.
"Sure. I'm just gonna stop for some food really quick." I tell him.
"Okay wherever you go, get me something too." He says before hanging up.
I roll my eyes at that, of course he'd pull something like that.
Before leaving the parking lot, I text my mom and let her know what I'm doing before turning on some music and heading to Chick-Fil-A.
After sitting in a fairly long line, I head to Travis' house with our food. Travis lives in the town, instead of the country area, so he's not too far away.
Within ten minutes, I'm pulling up in his driveway, parking behind his motorcycle.
I grab our food and drinks before walking up to his door, opening the door and walking in.
"Hello!" I call out, and I hear a door shut before Travis emerges, putting on a t-shirt, his sleeve tattoo on full display. It was of a broken clock with a gear in it and roses at the top and bottom of it.
"Hey, what did you get?" He asks, looking over to the Chick-Fil-A bags in my hands. I hand him his bag and his eyes light up.
"Thanks Em." He says, throwing one of the eight count nuggets in his mouth.
I laugh slightly before setting the stuff down on the counter and handing him his drink.
"So what's up?" I ask, walking over to his couch and sitting down.
"I was just going over a few designs with my dad." He says, throwing another nugget into his mouth.
"For your next tattoo?"
"Yeah, the one on my ribs." He says.
"Weren't you planning on getting that like months ago?" I ask him, raising my eyebrows.
"Yeah, but I just can't decide on what I want to do."
"Makes sense." I say, smiling.
"So, how was homecoming?" I ask him after a few minutes of silence.
"It was...interesting." He exhales.
"What do you mean?" I ask, looking over at him.
"First off, Austin was being his normal idiotic self for the entire night.
"Don't pretend you don't love him." I say, laughing.
"He's just irritating." He says, rolling his eyes, but I could tell from his smile that I'm right.
"What about your date? What was her name...Chloe?" I ask.
"She was alright...fun if you know what I mean." He says, winking.
"Gross. Are you ever going to get serious about someone?" I ask him, eating a nugget.
"And risk getting hurt? Nope." He says, aggressively eating another nugget. I just smile sadly at him.
"Not everyone is gonna be like your mom." I say softly.
"I know that, but I don't want to have to go through anything like that again. If I never get with someone, it'll never happen."
I glance over at one of their family photos hanging on the wall.
"I hate that photo," Travis says, following my gaze. "But dad refuses to take it down."
"Why?" I ask.
"He still thinks she's coming back and is gonna be different. He's just holding onto hope that isn't there."
After Travis moved to Bear Creek in sixth grade, his mom left him and became a drug addict. Since then, his mom comes back every now and then to get money for drugs, claiming that she's changed. Mr. Thomas always lets her back in, but she just leaves again, breaking both of their hearts.
"You don't believe she'll ever really change?" I ask him.
"Everytime I get my expectations up she somehow finds a way to let me down, so no I don't."
"Anyways, word on the street is that you were hanging out with Alex last night." He says, changing the subject.
"Yeah, it was really fun." I say, looking away.
"Fun how?" He asks, taking a sip of his drink.
"We may have kissed a little bit."
"Really?" He says, looking over at me.
"Yeah." I say, feeling my cheeks heat up.
"You two only kissed?" He asks, raising an eyebrow.
"Travis!" I say as he quickly ducks when I throw a nearby pillow at his head.
"I'm kidding!" He says, laughing. "I'm happy for you Em."
He puts an arm around me as he pulls me in for a hug. "All I'm saying though, if he hurts you I'm going to murder him."
"I figured as much." I say, laughing. "So what do you want to do?"
"Wanna just watch tv or something?"
"Sure."
We start watching tv, and I open Pinterest. As I'm scrolling, a particular pin catches my eye. It's a pin of a tattoo with one word in the center of someone's forearm.
Warrior.
But the catch of this is that the "i" is a semicolon. The symbol for mental health. It's a reminder that your life could have ended, but it didn't. It's a reminder every day that you're here for a reason.
I'm not sure how long I was staring at it, but I felt Travis lean over to look.
"You thinking of getting it?" He asks.
"I might...this word came up in my therapy session with Dr. Moore and I haven't stopped thinking about it.
"Warrior?" He asks, looking at me.
"Yeah, he was talking about how the greatest warriors are those who keep fighting, and then he called me one. I don't know, it just hit me really hard."
"Then you should get it. It's how I got mine." He says, tilting his head to show me his "loyalty" tattoo on his neck. "If it speaks to you, then get it."
"Will your dad do it for me?"
"Of course, but you'd have to ask your parents first to make sure they're okay with it."
I look down at the image again. This is the perfect tattoo I could get to symbolize what I've gone through, and still am. I have to get this.
"Let me call them real quick." I say, standing up.
I walk outside and call my mom.
"Hello?" She asks, answering on the second ring.
"Hey, can I ask you something real quick?"
"Sure honey."
"So, I was wondering if I could get a tattoo."
"Okay...what brought this on all of a sudden?"
"Dr. Moore said something to me today and it stuck with me. Then I was scrolling through Pinterest, and one popped up. I have to get it."
I hear her call my dad into wherever she's at, and then her explaining it to him.
"Are you sure this is something you're certain on? A tattoo is forever honey." My dad says through the phone.
"I'm sure. I want this." I tell them.
"Okay, if you are sure about it, put Travis' dad on the phone." My mom says after a few minutes of silence.
I walk back into the house, and see Travis talking to his dad.
"Hey! You're wanting a tattoo?" Mr. Thomas asks me, smiling.
"Yeah, I have my parents on the phone if you want to talk to them." I say, and he nods. I hand him my phone and he walks into the other room.
"What did they say?"
"They said yes." I say, smiling.
"Awesome, dad was going to go into the shop anyways today. I'm sure he'd let you come with." Travis says, just as his dad walks back in.
"So Emma, are you wanting to get this today?" He asks as he hands me my phone.
"The sooner the better." I say grinning.
"Then let's go." He says.
I grab my things and head out to my car, Travis at my heels. His dad takes his car and soon enough we're at the shop in the downtown area. Mr. Thomas and his best friend opened up this small shop, and it's the only one in this area.
We follow him in and he tells me to take a seat in the chair as he goes to get the supplies.
"Are you nervous?" Travis asks me.
"Not really." I say. "If you can get that-" I say, gesturing to his sleeve. "I can get one this size."
"Point taken." He says chuckling.
His dad comes back out and takes a seat in his chair.
"So where do you want to get this?" Mr. Thomas asks.
"I was thinking around here." I say pointing at my forearm area.
"Okay, do you want it about this big?" He asks, using his fingers to show a length.
"Yeah." I say and he nods. "Let me see the picture, so I can draw it up."
I pull it up on my phone and he takes it and begins to draw it up.
"Okay let me see your arm." He says, and I put my arm out.
He puts an outline of the tattoo on my arm, looking up at me.
"Do you like this?" He asks.
"Yeah." I say, and he nods.
"Okay are you ready?" He asks, and I nod again.
He grabs the tattoo gun and dips it in some ink before turning it on and coming towards my arm.
I expect to feel a lot of pain, but it honestly doesn't hurt that bad. It takes him about thirty minutes to get through it all before he's done.
I look down at it and smile. It's perfect.
"Do you like it?" He asks, and I nod.
"I love it! Thank you so much." I say.
"Let me see!" Travis says, looking up from his phone to look.
"Sick! It suits you Em." He says nudging my shoulder.
"Thanks!" I say, smiling as his dad wraps it up. He goes over what to do to take care of it, and I give him my card to pay.
My mom had sent me some money on the way over here, combined with the money that I had. He takes my card and brings it over to their register.
"Alright, you're all set." He tells me, smiling.
"Thank you so much!" I say.
"Of course! Y'all have a good day."
Travis and I bid goodbye before heading out towards my car again.
"Let's go show the gang!" Travis says excitedly.
I smile at his excitement and nod, pulling out of my parking spot and heading home.
'~'
"We should do something fun this weekend." Alex suggests at lunch the following day.
It's my first day back since the incident, meaning I've been out for two weeks. I haven't seen Mason or Bridgett yet, but I know it's going to be inevitable. As soon as I walked into school today, the whispers were back and it feels like the whole school is talking about it.
I'm ready for this year to just be over.
"What could be more fun than hanging out with me?" Austin says, pulling me from my thoughts and flicking his short hair sassily.
"Going to a lake house?" Alex suggests, causing the group to look at him.
"Wait what? You have a lake house here?" Dwight asks, a confused look on his face.
"Yeah, my parents love to vacation here to Texas, so we bought one in Livingston, Texas." He says.
"Bro that's only like two hours away!" Austin says excitedly.
"That would be a fun weekend trip." Jake says.
"Yeah, I can talk with my dad and see if he'll give us the keys." Alex says, causing cheers throughout the table.
"Hopefully he does. Are we talking this weekend?" Chase asks, causing Alex to nod.
"Yeah, we don't have school on Monday so we can leave Saturday and still have a good time." Kara says. We all nod in agreement and I smile at Alex.
It'll be nice to get away.
"Alright let's meet on Saturday at ten?" Alex says.
"Sounds good to me." Kara says and the rest of us nod in agreement.
"Awesome." Alex says, putting an arm around me.
I feel my cheeks heat up and butterflies in my stomach. Since we kissed, Alex and I have grown much closer and the group is finally relaxed around him.
"Okay I'm getting jealous over here. First Chase and Sierra, then Kara and Jakey, now you two?! Really?" Austin whines from the other end of the table.
"Did you just call me Jakey?"
"Leave them alone." Travis says, ignoring Jake.
"Did he just-" Jake starts before Austin cuts him off.
"I need to find a girl. Even Caleb Richardson has a girl. I repeat, Caleb." Austin continues.
"You're still not over that?" Dwight sighs, leaning his head on his hand.
"No, because I don't understand, I'm an amazing person. Who wouldn't want to be with me?"
"Did no one else hear him call me Jakey?" Jake says.
"Probably because you can't get their names right?" Travis says, once again ignoring Jake, causing Austin and Jake to glare.
"Bailey is a hard name!" Austin defends.
"Hailey! Austin, it was Hailey!" Chase says, facepalming.
"That's besides the point! Not to mention I'm still heartbroken over Emma. I professed my love for her and she gets with this one." He says, pointing at Alex.
"Sorry dude." Alex says smiling while shaking his head in amusement.
"Why is no one listening to me?" Jake asks.
"Sorry did you say something?" Sierra says smirking at him.
"Babe your friends are mean." Jake whines, tugging on Kara's sleeve.
"Don't look at me, I have nothing to do with this." Kara replies.
Jake just clutches his chest dramatically acting like Kara shot him.
"I'm hurt."
"Is there anywhere I can purchase normal friends?" Dwight asks no one in particular.
"If you find out, let me know." I say, causing him to smile.
The bell rings before anyone else can say anything and we all get up and head to our next class.
"If this weekend is anything like that lunch, we're in for a wild weekend." Alex says, laughing.
"If only you knew." I reply chuckling.
'~'
"Emma! Come on we gotta go!" I hear Jake yell, banging on the bathroom door.
"Yeah, just give me a second!" I yell back, looking back down to the bottle I'm holding.
Every day since I've found those pills, I come in here to make sure they're still here. I fidget with it in my hands contemplating. As I'm looking down, I catch sight of my tattoo.
Warrior.
I can't.
So I don't. I quickly hide them again behind our other bottles and close the cabinet.
I open the bathroom door to find an impatient Jake.
"I don't think you know how long you take. Let's go!"
"I don't know why you're so impatient. I'm not even riding with you." I say, rolling my eyes.
"We're all leaving at the same time regardless."
"Whatever, lets go." I say walking past him and going downstairs.
"Mom! Dad! We're going!" I yell as we near the door.
"Thank goodness." I hear Caleb mutter as he walks by to go upstairs.
"Alright." My mom says as she comes up to us. "Stay safe and call if you need anything."
"I will." I say, giving her a hug.
As I walk out to Alex's truck, I can't get my mind off of the pills.
What if they aren't here when I get back?
Maybe I need to take them. Just in case.
"Hey!" Alex says as he opens his arms for a hug.
"Hey," I say, smiling as I hug him back.
"You ready to go?" He asks, kissing the top of my head.
"Yeah." I say.
Go get them Emma.
"Actually I forgot something. Hang on." I say, giving into my thoughts and pulling away from his hug before rushing back inside.
I quickly grab the bottle without a second thought and shove it in my purse before leaving again.
"I swear, you're the reason we are always late!" Jake yells from his truck window.
"Oh shut up!" I yell back, opening Alex's truck door.
"You ready now?"
"Yeah lets go." I say.
Alex starts his truck and backs out of our driveway, waiting for Jake and Kara to follow him, since he knows where he's going.
"Are you excited?" He asks me.
"Yes! It's gonna be a fun weekend."
"Then let's start it off right..." He says reaching over to turn the volume up.
The Fighter by Keith Urban starts playing and I immediately look over at him.
"You listen to Keith Urban too?!" I ask excitedly.
"Well I heard this one on the radio the other day, and I thought it was a good song." He says as the chorus comes on.
Instead of answering, I just start singing along with the girl part of the chorus.
"What if I fall?" I start, and Alex sings the guys part.
"I won't let you fall."
"What if I cry?"
"Oh I'll never make you cry."
"And if I get scared?"
"I'll hold you tighter. When they try to get to you baby I'll be the fighter."
As we sing, I feel as though Alex and I are really saying this to each other. In a way it's like he's promising me that he's not gonna hurt me like Mason did.
The rest of our two hour drive is spent jamming with the windows down, and before I know it we're crossing this gorgeous lake.
"This is so beautiful." I say, smiling and taking my phone out to take a picture.
"Yeah, my family loves to come vacation here."
"It's crazy how it's only two hours away, yet I've never been here." I say, awing at the lake.
"Yeah." He says as we pull up to a lake house.
There's steps that lead up to a porch that wraps around this beautiful cottage type house. Trees surround it as it overlooks the lake, and it looks to be two stories.
"Alex, this is gorgeous." I say, awing over it as the rest of the gang pull up behind us.
"Wait till you see the inside." He tells me as he gets out.
Alex wraps his arm around my shoulder as we walk up the steps to his lake house. The view of the lake was breathtaking.
"Now this is a view I could get used to!" Austin says, looking out over the lake.
"It's gorgeous here." Kara says, holding Jake's hand.
Once we're all gathered on the porch Alex goes ahead and unlocks the door. He leads us through a wooden corridor, picture frames of the lake decorating both sides of the wall. On the way Alex pats a wooden door to his right.
"Alright lemme give you guys a quick tour. This is the bathroom and through here is our living room." He says, rounding a corner to show a large open space, with two single beige chairs on either side of a long wooden table. There's also a love seat and then two large couches in the center of the room. Instead of walls, it's a bunch of windows looking out over the lake.
"This over here is the kitchen." Alex says, walking across the room to the open floor plan, also having windows for walls.
"So up the stairs are all of the rooms. There's a master, which is mine, and then there's four bedrooms. Two of you guys will have to sleep on the couches." Alex says.
"Travis and I will gladly take the couch. Right bestie?" Austin says, looking over at Travis.
"Austin you're so annoying." He says, rolling his eyes.
"You love meeee." He says in a sing-song voice.
"I swear you two act more like brothers than Austin and Chase do." Alex says, shaking his head at them.
"That's because Travis is our triplet." Austin says, causing Alex's eyebrows to pinch together in confusion.
"Triplet? I didn't think y'all were related." He says.
"We're not." Chase says, chuckling. "Travis was born one day before us in the same year, so we're all pretty much the same age."
"Yeah, when I moved here in sixth grade and we all became best friends, we started having birthday parties together and we're all super close." Travis says. "Except for when I want to kill Austin...which is all the time."
"Hey!" Austin exclaims.
"That's so cool. So you just like adopted him as a triplet?" Alex asks.
"Basically." Chase says, shrugging. "He might as well be, he argues with Austin more than I do."
"That's a lie, Chase. You just don't care enough to argue back."
"He's not worth it." Chase says, shrugging again.
"Hey!" Austin says again, crossing his arms. "Y'all are just jealous because you ain't me."
"I might as well be. We're twins you idiot." Chase says, rolling his eyes.
"Whatever." Austin mumbles.
"Anyways, I'm gonna go put my bag in my room." I say, grabbing my bag and turning to walk up the stairs.
"Here let me help you." Alex says, grabbing it from me.
"Such a gentleman." I say, smiling at him.
"Only for you." He says, winking.
I blush and follow him up the stairs.
"Here, you want this one?" Alex asks, pushing open the doors.
"Sure, why not?" I say, smiling.
"Perfect, this one is right next to mine."
I laugh and shake my head. "So you chose this one on purpose?"
"Maybe..." He says, putting my bags down by the bed before shutting the door and standing in front of me.
"So what's the plan?" I ask.
"Well, we could go downstairs...or we could stay up here." He says, taking both of my hands into his.
His blue eyes stare directly into mine, and I feel myself forgetting to breathe for a second.
"Alex..." I breathe out as he steps closer.
"Yeah?" He whispers, his eyes flickering between my lips and my eyes.
"Kiss me." I barely got the words out before his lips met mine. His hands slowly snake around my waist, and he pulls me closer to his body while I wrap my arms around his neck.
My eyes flutter shut as our kiss grows deeper. My hands run through his hair as my lips part and his tongue slips in. We both fight for dominance but I eventually let him win and he smirks into the kiss.
I smile into the kiss, and he bites down on my bottom lip, tugging it playfully.
"What?" He asks, a smile on his face as he leaves a trail of kisses from my mouth to my neck where he instantly finds my sweet spot. He starts to suck on it and I tilt my head, giving him more access as I moan his name softly.
I let my hands roam over his chest and I tug on his shirt in need. His mouth leaves my neck and he quickly tugs off his shirt. I pull his face towards mine again to reconnect our lips.
Alex starts backing us towards the bed and I feel the back of my legs hit the edge of the mattress. I fall backwards and he hovers over me, leaning his head down to kiss my neck.
As his head dips down further, I feel my body heat up and I let out a soft moan.
"Can I?" He asks, tugging on my shirt.
"Yeah." I breathe out and in one swift motion, my shirt is off.
As he leans down to kiss me again, I feel him press into me through his jeans. His groans mix with my moans as our cores meet and I forget how to breathe.
His hands trail down my body and when he starts to take off my jeans, I freeze. I'm suddenly pulling away as panic begins to rise in my chest.
"Em?" Alex asks, his breathing heavy.
Images of that night come flooding in as my heart begins to race.
"Em what's wrong?" Alex asks me.
I want to speak, but I can't.
Words fail me as I feel my breath continue to leave my lungs.
Alex doesn't say anything, worry clouding his features. He gets up and grabs a blanket, wrapping it around me to cover up my chest.
He quickly puts his shirt back on before bending down at the end of the bed and grabbing my hands.
"You're okay." He tells me, rubbing circles on my hand. I lean forward trying to see if I could get any air into my lungs, but then I feel gentle hands on the side of my face. Alex rests his forehead on mine and looks into my eyes.
"You're okay..." He repeats.
I'm not sure how long we sit there, his forehead on mine and my hands in his, but I finally begin to feel my breath coming back to me.
"I'm s...sorry." I say, taking a deep breath.
"You don't ever have to apologize. I shouldn't have gone that far." He says, shaking his head.
"N...no that's not it." I say quietly.
"Then what is it?" He asks softly.
Should I tell him?
Do I want to let him in?
"Em, you don't have to if you don't want to." He says gently, smiling at me.
"No, I want to. I just..." I start.
"It's okay." He says, giving me a smile.
"Mason..." I start.
I've never fully said these words out loud.
"Mason what?" He asks, his face growing serious.
"He..."
'~'
Hey guys!
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~Marie Black :)