Anyone in my position would have taken any opportunity to leech off the Armstrongs. I did not have it in me to put up with that. I had already lied to Wickham whilst residing in his home and taking advantage of his kindness. I never left my designated room, instead I lay there overthinking. I'd never admit to feeling anything for Hugh but in any case something in me felt inflamed every time, I watched him adoringly pamper his wife with kisses and sweet gestures. It led my mind to a place of backbiting. He did that with her? He probably did more than just that... he did to her things that he did to me as well. It was still hard to call Lily his wife, his wife indeed.
I thought about all the possibilities. I couldn't possibly claim this child as mine if he came out as pale as the father. Dutchess would take my child and have Lily raise them while I remained here. It was not too far-fetched it could happen. It was possibly my worst fear. Wickham never liked to discuss my mother but I had many questions. We sat in silence, sometimes he'd be out. Sometimes he'd simply stare at me, then turn to look away. I did not want to upset him with questions, he could simply kick me out of his home if it suited him. I did not want to push his temper over the edge. With all this ruckus I'd even made a friend, she resided at the Wickham plots and occasionally came in to do Wickham's laundry.
She would force me to come out of the house for once and sit with her on the patio as she hand washed the clothes. I was always in a somber mood but I'd always leave feeling better and having forgotten the root of my sorrows. I was too closed up at first, London had taught me not to trust anyone. Not everyone was a friend. Not everyone meant well, not everyone who shared your skin tone wanted you to exceed better than they were. Fortunately, it was different here. The atmosphere was peaceful, the place was quiet, Wickham actually somewhat treated his workers decently.
"You won't tell me who it is even now?" Melinda asked as we sat on the patio. I shook my head, with no intention of ever telling that secret to anyone. It was a secret, I'd willingly take to the grace even now, I found it hard to trust people. Beatrice was the first friend, I had and as I thought about it more and more. She did more damage to me than she ever admired too. She made me feel as if my feelings did not matter. How I'd felt about Hugh forcing himself on me, she belittled my feelings. She made me feel insecure, she coerced me into thinking I was not beautiful or appealing.
"It doesn't matter." I shrugged.
"But I need to know, Is it a white man?" She questioned. There was silence mostly from the shame I felt. Every flash back seemed to swirl back into my mind. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand any memory of my foolishness.
"No." I said quickly realising I had not responded and here I was overthinking.
"It's a white man." She smiled, as if making the answer definite. She continued with her work.
"You should allow me to do your hair."
"Oh, this I had forgotten about it. Thought I'd cut it again but I did not want to ask Wickham—"
"No, you shouldn't Nora. Allow me to style it. Being with child does not mean you should not care for your image."
This made me laugh. "What image? Short hair is simple maintenance especially with a baby coming soon." I had no plan what so ever. Would Wickham allow me and my child to reside with him even then?
So, I allowed her to play with my hair. Looking at the mirror it did not seem as if she had played with my hair at all. It looked decent. Even Wickham complimented me during dinner what seemed like the first time. His butler interrupted the quiet solitude as I helped clear up the table.
"You have a guest sir."
"It is rather late to be expecting visitors." Wickham muttered gravely as if annoyed. Putting his napkin onto the table. "Who is it?"
"A young man, he is waiting for you in the foyer."
"Goodness, at this hour!" Wickham complained. Minding my own, I continued to clear the table. There was a bit a feud and some quiet moments before Wickham came back in. "It seems to be your guest."
Surprised, I almost gasped. "I'm not expecting anyone. Could it be Melinda, she—"
"Not at all, it's your former employer. It seems he wants to have a word with you before, he heads back to his place of dwelling. I advised him it is rather late and as much as he is respected. He won't be residing here for whatever reason it maybe." As he said this, he had a stern serious look on his face. Former employer? It could be anyone. Had Hugh's sister told on my name. It could have been the Gallaghers. My mind was racing with anxiety. I felt as if I was in trouble and I would get punished for it. I did not remember doing anything wrong. Before I left, I had left everything accordingly. I had not stolen anything. I did not want to think of any other reason as to why they would come for me at this hour.
"I will be having my tea upstairs." He told me. I closed my eyes, looking down at my dress. It told everything, there was no point in hiding.
"Alright, thank you sir." I muttered.
"Well run along now and hear what he has to say." Wickham added, disappearing into the next room. Before he could, I spoke up.
"What if I do not want any visitors? Am I allowed to dismiss them before speaking to them..." with a sigh. "I'd rather not see or speak to anyone."
Wickham was about to speak when he was interrupted. "Why would you want to be so insensitive when I've travelled this far to see you?"
I almost regurgitated any food that had went down my throat. I knew that voice all too well. I did not want to give Wickham any ideas.. I turned around to see Lord Hugh a mess. With his hat in his right hand. His slacks muddy, he was overall a mess. I had never seen him that way before. He looked stunned when I turned around. My heart started to beat a little too quickly for my liking. Awaiting his reaction, I had forgotten to hide but for how long would I? I had no wish to hide forever. I couldn't speak my throat felt clogged. He stared at me almost at a loss for words.
"...everything all makes sense now..." Lord Hugh muttered lowly. He seemed to be in disbelief. He ran his fingers through his messy hair. I did not know what to say.
"I assume, you came to bid my daughter farewell since you never got the opportunity?" Wickham asked. "She was quite the good nanny, I'd assume."
My eyes threatened to water from how intense the situation was for me. I did not want Wickham to know, for some reason I felt awful. I'd rather please Wickham than Hugh. Wickham had saved me from the London mess, offered me a home and— it was the first time he had acknowledged it in front of me or anyone that I was his daughter. I felt the need to not want to disappoint him. He was the only parent, I had left. He could offer me a lot more than I'd ever get if I continued to pretend to hate him.
"Congratulations!" Lord Hugh muttered awkwardly.
"Thank you." I said a little too quickly, covering myself tightly with my wooden cardigan.
"Pregnancy looks good on you." He smiled almost tear eyed.
"It does, doesn't it? Hopefully the young man marries her. He resides at the Gallagher plantations."
I only nodded, expecting him to leave and never return. That would do me so much good.
"I see." Hugh nodded.
"Yes." I forced myself to speak on a lie that I knew would burn me soon enough.
"I will be off then, make sure you ask Ernest to lock up as soon as he leaves."
"I will." I responded to Wickham.
As soon as he left, there was odd silence.
"I—"
"You—"
We spoke at the same time.
"How's Lewis?" I asked not knowing what else to say to him.
"Misses you dearly." He replied.
I could only nod, not knowing what to say.
"I'm going to be a father?" He said.
"With Lily? I'm happy for you."
"Quit it please, Nora."
I swallowed, looking at anything but him. The silence was loud. I tightly held onto my jersey as his eyes scrutinised me from head to toe.
"First of all, your father throws me against the wall then pretends to act all merry in your presence. I'm far too exhausted to be lied to. This is the first time, I've ever travelled alone. It won't be for nothing. I do not know where I will spend the night but all I know is I will be back tomorrow morning and we're going to talk about this."
I facepalmed.
"Your sister brought you here even after I made it clear, I did not want anything to tying me back to that place."
"Victoria knows?" He questioned almost astonished, that's when I realised she had not said a word and my anger had outed me.
"I think we're both old enough to know what's the next step. This is a free run for you, go and never return. I won't mention your name. I promise, I won't ruin—"
"No, that is absurd."
"You can not do anything for me or this child. Please leave, I will never ask for anything of you. If anything this should be your confirmation that you can indeed try with your wife. You're not infertile. Perhaps warn Beatrice as well."
"Nora, are you sane?" I looked at him in disbelief.
I stared at him. "Don't be delirious please, I'm not in the mood for this. Go back home and—" he stepped closer. I turned to swallow from how nervous I felt having him close. "Don't touch me." I tried to push him back but he wouldn't move.
"Listen here." He tilted my chin to look up at him. His green orbs stared directly into mine, I felt uncomfortable. "I've had to live with the knowledge that I'm infertile then you want to come and tell me to leave? The only child that I might have only fathered. You must be deranged Nora. For a second you can not convince me, you were with another man while with me. I refuse to acknowledge it. You're far far too innocent and vulnerable to commit to adultery with another man. For goodness sake, you still quiver beneath me like a virgin. Not knowing what to do and expect me to believe you were with another man. Surprise me, prove me wrong. One thing, I know for sure is your father wouldn't be slamming me against walls for nothing. I will be back tomorrow, we're having this child and I'm going to be present. I will take responsibility. I will, and we will figure this out. You do not have to do this alone. We're having a baby Nora? Can you believe that? I'm going to be a father but this time for real. This time my very own."
I stared at him with disbelief.
I did not for one second trust him.
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