As Grace is next to me in bed, scrolling on her phone, her back facing me, I feel like we never made up last night. And I guess, we didn't. The thing is, though, we don't usually make up. We let things be and when we were ready, address them.
I'm not so sure that dynamic is going to work for long, though.
I turn to spoon her curled-up body, bringing my hand to rest on her lower stomach. She doesn't say anything, instead, she puts her small hand over mine, continuing whatever she was doing.
Pressing a kiss against her bare shoulder, I let my hand move up her stomach. I grab her phone and place it on her nightstand, littering soft kisses up to the back of her neck.
"What are you doing?" She whispers.
"Apologizing."
Turning her around and pulling her into my lap, I bring my hand into her hair to deepen our kiss. Our tongues fight for dominance until I finally let her win. She smiles against my lips, pressing her palms against my chest.
I start absentmindedly grinding into her, trailing my fingers up and down her spine. She whimpers against my lips, shaking her head. I pause for a moment and gaze up at her.
"What's wrong?" I frown.
She shakes her head, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "That... It..."
Letting out a breath, she finally admits, "It felt... weird."
"Do you want me to stop? Or do something else, maybe?"
She shook her head, her eyes leaving mine. "No, no. What I meant by it felt weird is... it felt good weird."
She admits this shyly, chewing on her lip as she shuffles around in my lap to get comfortable. Her words bring a smile to my lips and I flip us over.
It's comforting to know that, even though I have no idea what I'm doing-- I can still make her feel good. Knowing that she's comfortable and enjoying it, makes me enjoy it.
Grace giggles and wraps her arms around my neck. Her body is still vibrating with soft laughter when she pulls me down to her lips.
Her kiss is soft and longing for like I'm not really here. Like she wants-- needs more. So I give her more. I press my body into hers, letting my hands wander over a body I remember fantasizing about like it was mine to fantasize about.
But it wasn't just her body. It was her soul. It was her entire being, really. It was and is the messy hair, sparkling smile, unpredictable giggling here and there. It's the way she always knows what to say even when she doesn't. The way she tries to fight you because she doesn't want to hurt you.
It's her heart, her hurt. It's her.
I smile against her lips, my hands lightly brushing one of her boobs.
The smile immediately leaves my face and I give her a worried look when she winces. "Are you okay? What did I do?"
She laughs softly, moving to sit up. I pull away and do the same, keeping a few inches between us in fear I did something wrong and she'd change her mind about whether or not she's upset with me.
"You didn't do anything. My boobs have just been really sensitive." She pokes the side of her right breast and winces again. "See?"
"Why? Has that ever happened before?"
She shrugs dismissively. "I guess so?"
"What's that mean?" I frown at her vague answer.
"They used to get quite sensitive when I was on my period but that quit being a symptom like in grade ten." She elaborates, pulling me closer to her. I instinctively wrap my arms around her and let the warmth of her body become the source of my warmth. Why is it so cold in here all the time?
"That's odd."
"Meh," she shrugs. "Period symptoms come and go, I guess. Like I used to cramp really bad but the older I got, the more they eased up."
She sighs longingly. "Kinda sad I never got my 'crush/boyfriend takes care of me while my body expels my monthly gallon or fifty of blood' Wattpad moment."
I roll my eyes at her, moving to gently touch her breast. Her face scrunches up in this sort of way that tells me it either hurts or feels really unpleasant.
She smacks my hand away, shoving me away. "Fuck you! I just told you they're sensitive, dude!"
"Sorry?"
"What if I just poked you in the dick after you told me-"
"I actually wouldn't mind it that much, I don't think." I grin at her and she rolls her pretty blue eyes at me. God, I wish she would just do that all day.
"I think I might actually hate you, Sam."
"Mhm, sure."
She gets out of bed and goes into the bathroom. Moments later, I hear the water start and I wonder if I told her about going to see my mom today.
"Gracie!" I call, reaching over her side of the bed and grabbing her phone when it chimes with a notification.
"What?!"
"Get ready to..." I trail off when I feel a small piece of paper sticking out from the little pocket thing on the back of her case. Frowning curiously, I pull it out.
Elliot
407-***-****
Who is Elliot?
I tuck the paper back inside the little pouch, unlocking her phone and looking for her youtube app.
"I can't hear you!"
Aye, aye, captain. Ohhhhhhh.
I jump at the sound of her voice, forgetting that I was saying something to her.
"Sorry, I spaced!" I admit. "I was saying to get ready so we can go see my mom, she misses you!"
Is it weird that my girlfriend's wallpaper on her phone is her and my mom and not me and her?
❛❜
"OH MY GOD, GRACE, LOOK AT YOU!" My mom squeals, squeezing my girlfriend tightly. She rocks the two back and forth, showering Grace with kisses.
"You know, somebody might think you love her more than me," I grumble, crossing my arms over my chest as I watch their exchange. I'm somebody.
They both ignore me, throwing compliments for the other to catch.
"You two look like you need a minute alone..." I clear my throat, walking around them. I discover Grant sitting on a barstool when I make it to the kitchen, shoveling a spoonful of weird orange goop into Natalia's mouth. Or at least trying to.
Natalia is Grant's daughter. She was named after her mom who died during labor. Natalia looks like a carbon copy of Grant with her big brown eyes and dark, curly hair.
Grant groans loudly when Natalia refuses to eat her food. I laugh at his failed attempts and take a seat next to him.
"Hi." I greet him teasingly. My brother flips me off in reply and continues to try to get Nat to eat. I roll my eyes, grabbing her and settling her on my knee. I take the small spoon from Grant and press it to Natalia's little lips. She grins and accepts her food without hesitation.
"I fucking loathe you, your children, and your children's children." He swears.
I chortle, nudging his elbow with mine. "Don't curse my kids just because yours likes to malfunction."
A snort comes from beside me. "Malfunction? Yeah, right. Natty just doesn't like her daddy. But she loves her auntie." Madison grins widely, leaning down to make a silly face at Natalia. "Isn't that right?"
Natalia whines, hitting Maddie in the face. My sister gasps, holding onto her cheek. She turns to look at me. "I swear that I'm her favorite. She's just... malfunctioning again."
I snort, rolling my eyes as mom and Grace walk past us. Grace jumps onto the counter, tossing the braid she'd done this morning over her shoulder. I grab the loops of her jeans, pulling her so she's sitting right in front of me. There isn't much space but I like it that way. I like being able to feel her warmth without even touching her.
"Oh, Grace, look, that's Natalia." My mom points out.
"OH MY GOD, MINI GRANT!" Grace squeals, scooping Natalia up from my lap.
"She doesn't like to be held like that... never mind, I guess." I laugh at my brother's attempt to warn Grace about something that doesn't actually even seem to be a problem.
I love that Grace is so good with kids. It's nice. She gets so happy around them and can calm them down at the low sound of her soft voice. She'd make an amazing mom if she wanted kids.
"What's her name, again?" Grace wonders. "Nutella. Niniola?"
"I hope you know how much I actually fucking hate you. And your stupid boyfriend, too." Grant scowls. Everybody but Grant laughs at his words, including my mom who teasingly blows him kisses to prove her love for him.
Grant rolls his eyes at us and our fit of laughter, taking his kid away from Grace. "Hey! Give me back my baby, you imp!" Grace demands, reaching for her niece.
Of course, Grace and I would kinda have to be married to consider Natalia her niece. But Grace has always been family, no matter her relation with me.
"You know, it's all fun and games until I skin you alive." Grant pipes up.
"They usually use knives for that and sadly, you can't even pick one up without shaking like a leaf."
He retorts with: "You can't pick a burger up without shaking like a leaf." Grant's face instantly flushes and he's quick to attempt to yell an apology.
Grace laughs, patting his back reassuringly. "No, No! It's okay! You're right. If I wasn't okay with that, I'd tell you."
"Gracie, I really am so sorry, I..." the rest of his words are a blur as I admire the moment before me. Everybody is so happy to see each other and nobody has tried to kill someone yet, which is an amazing accomplishment.
I missed this. We never had many moments where all five of us were together but it was nice having my whole family in one room. If my dad were still here, it would make this moment ten times better.
The thought brings a halt to my laughter and a frown fixes itself on my lips.
"I gotta use the restroom." I blurt, pressing my palms against the edges of the counter to push my chair and body away from Grace. And the island counter, too.
I move quickly past the living room and up the stairs, pacing down the hall until I make it to the bathroom.
Pressing my palms into the corners of the countertop, I look up at my reflection. My eyebrows are knit together and my face is flushed.
I don't know why this is just happening now of all times. I did my mourning, I said my goodbyes. So why does it still feel like this?
He never did anything for me. Never showed interest in being my father, never hugged or kissed me. Even as a toddler, I was told. All he was was a sperm donor and a man living in my house, calling himself my father. That's it, that's all he was.
My dad was just someone who came in and out of the house as he pleased at the oddest of hours, like a guard or protector of some kind coming back to base to make sure there'd been no raids since his last departure.
I never understood why he didn't ever really try to play his proper role as a parent. Mom used to tell me about times where he would beg her for the chance to give her another child after Maddie was born.
Where did all that go when it came to me? Did I do something wrong? Did I remind him so much of himself to the point that the mere thought of looking at me became repulsive?
I have so many questions for him but all of my time to ask him them has run out. And now, all I'm left with a buzzing mind and distant insecurity of the person he wanted me to be that I never became.
I never got the chance to be his golden boy, Sammy.
A soft knock from the other side of the door sounds but I stay put in front of the mirror, not bothering to acknowledge their presence.
The door opens slightly and Grace slips past the little space between the frame and the door, locking it behind her.
She silently wraps her arms around me from behind, letting one of her hands travel under my shirt to rub the side of my stomach soothingly.
Her arms tighten around me when I let out a low sob. She stands behind me the rest of the time I take sobbing, wordlessly comforting me.
Grace's hands move from under my shirt and she rests them on my shoulders before turning me around. She smiles sadly at the look on my face, patting the counter behind me. I take a seat on the counter and cross my arms over my chest.
Moving to stand between my legs, she caresses my cheek lovingly.
"I want to have a baby." I blurt. She frowns in confusion, rubbing the side of my thigh to comfort me further.
Her frown stretches to a small smile and she giggles softly. "Is that why you're upset, Sammy? 'Cause of Natalia?"
I shake my head at her question, reaching to cup her face in my hands.
"No, not at all. I just... I started thinking and-"
"Well, that's never good." She snorts. I scowl at her, moving to stand up.
"You know what, never mind."
She laughs at me, pushing me back down by my shoulders. Leaning up to press her lips to mine, she mutters an apology.
"What were you saying?"
"I was thinking about my dad," I confess. "And I just... What if I don't make a good dad, Gracie? What if I come off as distant or cold, make them feel unloved or insignificant?"
"That isn't you at all, Sam. You know this."
"Do I, though?" My frown deepens at my own words. "My dad always wanted more kids after Maddie, but mom wanted to wait. Man, did he love Maddie. He practically worshipped Grant, too. But then, when it came to me, he always seemed bored without even having talked to me. He was never interested in my existence. What if that happens to me with our maybe future kid, Grace?"
Grace frowns. "Hey, don't say that, Sam."
"It's true!" I defend, throwing my arms in the air. "And you don't have to act like you didn't see it. He was never around when I was home. And you remember when you left for Florida? He never asked about you, you know that? He only went because my mom couldn't drive while her foot was, like, fucked up or something."
"Sam, look at me." She tells me, her voice soft as she cups my face lovingly. "Touch my tummy."
What?
"What?"
She grabs my hand, pulling her shirt up the slightest bit and pressing my palm flat against her stomach.
She asks, "What do you feel?"
"Your stomach?"
Giggling, she presses my hand a little harder into her skin. "My stomach isn't going to feel like this forever, Sammy. Not saying I'm planning on gaining a few thousand pounds but-"
I laugh at her suggestion and shake my head.
"One day, we'll... maybe have a baby. And one day, you'll make an amazing dad. Whether it be to my kid, or not. Your experience with your dad is precisely what's going to make you an exceptional one."
She follows with, "You'll know explicitly what not to do, Sam. Just like I'll know what not to say to my kid in order to prevent them from trying to starve themselves."
I snort, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. "Not funny, Grace."
A small smile graced her lips.
"How would you raise our possible babies?"
"Babies? As in plural? Multiple?"
"Hmm," She hums, considering whatever the next thing she will say is. "I guess we should start there then? How many kids do you want?"
"If they come out anything like you? None. I don't think I could handle two of you. Hell, I can't even handle you on your own- OW!"
She grins victoriously at my reaction to her slapping my shoulder.
"I'm a very docile creature until I'm poked at, Samuel." She says, feigning seriousness.
"Oh, really? Well, then that is exactly why I couldn't have two of you."
"Hm... I agree, Winters. I think we've established your love for... poking-- dare I say that terrifying word."
A small chuckle leaves my lips and I press them to hers, brushing a stray strand behind her perfect ears. I'd never noticed before but she has multiple piercings on her ear. I suppose it does make sense, she always loved piercings.
There was something about this moment that I didn't want to lose.
It isn't like the others we shared. Sure, it's similar. But the seriousness of the conversation laced with our untamable humor... it's everything. And the words she didn't know I needed to hear, the way she spoke them as softly as she could. The way she unintentionally led me out of a tunnel filled with dark memory by simply trailing off to a similar topic. The way she let herself be the light I so unexpectedly needed without meaning to. I love her. It's scary, but I do.
I stare at her for a moment, breathing in her scent before tucking this moment into my pocket with hundreds-- thousands of other moments that I won't dare try to ever forget.
There's absolutely nothing that could make me want to forget this. Forget us.
In my eyes? We are forever.
She's my forever.