Saturday, November 7th- 12:34 a.m.
| Endgame | the final phase of chess
× Ashton ×
She sat pressed up against the footboard of her bed, her eyes closed, her head falling to one side like it was too heavy to hold up. Her skin was pale like the life had been stolen out of her.
My eyes fell to her hands. One rested around the neck of the tequila bottle, barely gripping it. In the other held the empty prescription bottle, the cap on the floor beside her, no pills in sight.
I felt myself hit rock bottom just at the sight of her.
I'd done this to her.
I'd killed my angel.
I ran to her with whatever hope I still had left. I fell to my knees in front of her, immediately picking up her head to press two fingers to the curve of her neck.
"Angel, please," I begged as I tried to find a pulse. I couldn't focus long enough to truly search but I couldn't find anything either, and the last piece of me was shattering. "Don't do this to me."
Oh, Baby, I'm bleeding, bleeding, ey...
Can't you give me what I'm needing, needing?
I continued to move my finger against her neck, refusing to accept that she was gone. "Angel," I whispered again.
I had tears staining my cheeks as I slowly realized I'd lost her, knowing I'd caused it.
"God, please. I can't live without you," I continued to plead, not even with her anymore. I was begging whatever higher power could hear me. They couldn't do this to me after everything else.
I was already at rock bottom, I can't lose her too.
"Come on, Angel. Come back to me, please."
Every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith
But, Baby, I just need one good one
good one, good one, good one, good one, good one
"I can't lose you. Please, Angel."
I leaned into her in a lack of judgment, matching my lips to hers. I knew it wouldn't bring her back, but in case it was the last time I ever got to touch her, I needed to taste her one last time.
I pulled back, my forehead leaning pushed against hers as I felt the tears swell in my eyes. I continued begging, not being able to accept the idea of losing her yet.
"Please, Angel. I love you. I know I'm the danger but I can't be the thing that kills you too."
When I'd finally accepted she wasn't going to return to my begging, I kissed her one last time before I turned to grab my phone to dial 911. I could barely see through the tears as I tried to unlock my phone, typing in my code- 10.16.20... the day we kissed.
It made me want to cry even harder, but I tried to hold it back, knowing she was physically on the line now.
In the corner of my eye, I watched her face scrunch lightly, like she always did when she didn't like something. I stopped at the small movement within her expression and my eyes shot back up to her as a tiny mumble fell from her lips.
"Angel?"
Maybe I'd imagined it, but I swear to God she'd just mumbled out our nickname back to me.
"Auni," I called back, dropping my phone as my hand fell back to holding her head up.
"Ash," she mumbled again, her head heavy in my hands as all her fight left. Her eyes were barely open, but I could see a sliver of that ocean blue I loved.
"Yeah, it's me," I told her, reaching for a pulse.
There was something. Even if it was barely anything, it was something. Maybe I'd just been too unfocused earlier to find it, or maybe it was just stronger now, but I could find it now. She was here.
"No," she groaned, barely audible but enough that I could hear her frustrations.
"Did you take all of these?" I asked, panic rising within me as I picked up the empty prescription bottle.
I flipped it around, trying to find the label to understand what the hell she had done. My eyes finally found it, her name across the top with Lexapro 20mg printed across the side.
I looked back up to her with disbelief. She barely nodded but she was even more broken than before. I didn't even know she still took them... I looked back up to the label, reading a printed date 12/09/19.
That's why I didn't know she had them... they were from a year ago.
My mind panicked, knowing I probably didn't have long unless I got them out of her system.
I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away
But, Baby, I just need one good one, good one
"I know you hate me, Angel," I started as I dropped my hands to wrap her into me.
"No," she tried to protest my help, trying to use whatever fight she had left to rid of my touch.
"But I'm not going to let you die because of something I did," I continued, slipping a hand under the bend of her knees to pick her up.
I lifted her off the floor, listening as she tried to gain the strength to fight me off. I immediately rushed her out towards the bathroom the next door down.
I didn't know what i was doing or what I was thinking, but I couldn't lose her. That's all I knew.
Tell me that you'll be the good one, good one
Baby, I just need one good one to stay
I wrapped around the turn into the bathroom, her body weak in my arms. I fell to my knees beside the toilet, setting her down slowly so she just barely leaned over it.
"You have to throw them up, Angel," I explained, pulling her hair out of her face.
She shook her head against the arm it was leaned on, obviously upset. "I hate puking."
"I know, but I can't lose you," I told her as I moved to grip her easier.
I sat behind her on my knees, hers bent between mine as I held her against my chest. I used the hand holding back her hair to help hold up her head, feeling like dead weight in my grip.
It felt like my whole world was spinning in slow motion, mainly because the small part left of my world was overdosed in my arms. The music flowing through the hallway only made it worse; the opening harmonies to The Night We Met only becoming more haunting with each minute.
"You have to get them out of your system," I told her again, refocusing on my task at hand. I slowly began bringing my hand towards her mouth to force them out. She shook her head in my grip again, slowly beginning to shake as her panic rose too.
"Open your mouth, Angel," I instructed, barely conscious of the world around me. Her jaw tensed more in protest, her head shaking in disagreement.
"Auni, you took a whole bottle of Lexapro and washed them down with tequila. You have to get them out," I begged, trying not to give up as my body filled with the fear of genuinely losing her forever. I refused to give in to the weak side of me just wanting to break down with her. She needed me to be strong so she could be weak for a few more moments.
She continued to protest, cries falling from her lips as she continued to lock them shut.
"I'll call an ambulance if you won't. I'm not letting you die in my arms," I warned, trying to fake my strength to make her listen.
I watched as she still locked her jaw shut. Cries fell from my mouth as I begged her, "you never have to look at me again, but do this one thing for me. Open your mouth."
I watched closely as she reluctantly relaxed her jaw, slowly parting her lips as her body broke down in cries in my arms.
"Breathe through your nose for me," I told her as I held her close. I brought my hand to her mouth, pushing my finger back her throat until I felt her body give in.
I pulled my hand away as I watched the contents of her stomach spill into the bowl she leaned over. I could see the obvious white pills mixed into the opaque liquid, mostly being made up of the tequila she'd washed them down with.
I held her hair back as she gave in to what her body so desperately needed. I could see her shaking beneath my grip, falling apart all over again within my arms.
And then I can tell myself
What the hell I'm supposed to do
She finally lifted her head back, gasping for air as she reached to wipe her mouth. I could see the tears streaming down her cheeks, but the panic within me didn't calm.
"Again," I told her, leaning her back over once she'd caught her breath.
"No," she protested weakly, shaking her head as her only method to prove her point. "I hate throwing up."
"And I hate the idea of losing you more," I fired back, bringing my hand back to her mouth to repeat the process. "Again."
She opened her mouth, allowing me to push back her throat until her body reacted. Her head lunged back forward over the bowl, releasing all she had left. It ran a yellow color, no pills left in it.
She sat back up faster this time, bracing against the seat as she begged for air. She was pushing back into me, trying to gain enough energy to fight back.
"Ash, I can't-" she tried between breaths. "It hurts."
"I know," I agreed, allowing her to collapse back into me as I accepted she's got the pills out of her system.
I wrapped both arms around her waist as she collapsed into herself, rolling into a ball, folding at her waist where my arms held her together. I slowly fell back to the wall behind us as she laid back with me.
I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
I reached for a rag on the counter, wiping her mouth as she continued to gasp for air through her cries. I leaned forward, flushing down all she'd released before throwing the rag to the side.
I fell completely back into the wall behind us, her body between my legs as she curled into herself within my grip. Her body was weak, all her strength gone as she continued to cry in my arms.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Haunted by the ghost of you
Oh, take me back to the night we met
"I'm sorry, Angel," I finally whispered as she laid back against my chest. "I never wanted to hurt you."
She didn't respond, rather let herself recover in my touch. It felt like she was draining my strength as she gained hers back, like I was handing mine over to her in any way I could help. It was the least I could do so I just held her closer as I gave her everything I had left, just like she had me before I shattered her.
"Why?" I finally pleaded. "I knew you were hurting, but I didn't know it was this bad."
"I didn't want to die," she mumbled against me, her cheek squished against my chest as she curled sideways in my lap. "I just didn't want to keep living like this."
When the night was full of terrors
And your eyes were filled with tears
"I'm so sorry," I repeated, trying not to break down with her fragile presence against me.
"I just needed it all to stop for a minute. I needed the pain to go away. I needed to feel numb- like I did before you," she continued, tears streaming down her face as they dried against my shirt. "I didn't know how many I'd taken until I blacked out. I didn't mean to hurt myself. I just wanted to feel happy again, and the pills used to do that."
"I never meant to hurt you," I repeated, slowly closing my eyes as I thought over everything I had done.
"Yeah, well," she chuckled against me, her eyes slowly closing too. "You're the one who almost killed me."
We sat silently as the music filled the room around us from down the hall. I held her as close as I could, not knowing if it would be the last time I got to.
How did I ever let myself do this to her? She was broken and I let myself absolutely destroy her- the one thing I told myself I would never let happen to her.
But I was the danger I'd been protecting her from.
And I was the danger I failed to keep her safe from.
We listened as the now haunting guitar chords filled our ears- the same song that played on her roof that first time, the same song that played as track 2 on her cassette.
You said you'd never lie
But you did it anyway
So how am I supposed to feel when you said it so real to my face?
I forced back tears as I held her. She was so weak, all because of me. She'd hurt herself because I'd broken the last piece of her holding on.
And you said you'd make a promise
But a promise never stays
So how am I supposed to act when its just how it is nowadays?
I promised her it would all be okay- that we'd be alright.
Now look what I did...
And I swear, we kinda fell in love with the pain
And I'm scared, we don't even know the right way
"How didn't I know earlier, Angel?" I begged, trying to remember any warning signs before she drove off just hours ago. "You could have been lying here for hours."
She sighed in my arms as sleep slowly took over her. "I was already missing before the night I left, Ash. There were no signs. I've been gone for months."
I wish I loved you in the '90s
'Cause I know that we would work
Say wrong place, wrong time, should've been alive
Bet it wouldn't hurt
"I promise I'll fix this, Angel," I told her, leaning up off the wall and farther into her. "I can't lose you."
"And I can't love you anymore. This would have just been easier for the both of us if it worked."
If I had loved you in the '90s
Back when life wasn't a blue
Say right guy, right vibe, wouldn't have to try
Bet it wouldn't hurt
I didn't know what to say, so rather I sat listening to the lyrics that would eventually turn to haunt me.
"You think we would have worked in the '90s?" I asked, feeling my hope slowly die out as I realized how serious she was.
She laughed below her breath in my arms. "We would have."
I squeezed her tighter as a cry escaped my body, not wanting to hear that answer.
"But we can't work now," she continued, moving to lean farther into me as she regained strength. "But promise me, if you ever get the chance to fall in love in a different life, you'll fall in love with me again."
"I'll be in love with you for the rest of this life and every other lifetime I ever live," I told her, my head against her shoulder as she laid curled in my lap.
"You think we fell in love in the '90s before this?" she asked into my neck. "And that's why we fell so quickly?"
"Yeah," I nodded against her. "We're written in the stars."
She shook her head lightly. "No, we're not written in the stars. We're burnt into the flames of our past."
I let her words sink in, finally speaking again, "I just hope I didn't hurt you like this in that lifetime."
I felt as she lightly smiled against me. "But that was the only way our twisted love story would work."
We fell to silence again, holding onto each other in this dimly lit bathroom as everything crashed down around us. The song died out, the depressingly happy synth notes haunting the hallways of her house.
I like that you're broken
Broken like me
Maybe that makes me a fool
It was track 5 on her cassette, and now it filled the silence as we cried in each other's arms.
"This isn't your cassette, but these are your songs," I noted, filling the silence that occupied this small room with us.
"I know," she mumbled back. "Because this is your cassette, and this is track 11 of 16."
I swallowed the fear in my throat, asking as the curiosity got the best of me, "what's it called?"
"If we never speak again, just remember in this moment-" she started, repeating the same words that had been scrawled across hers. I closed my eyes against her, knowing the name of hers would be drastically different from mine, because I was no longer her satellite, even if she still was my whole world.
"-the devil finally killed the angel."