Friday, November 6th- 10:48 p.m.
| En Passant |
capturing a pawn that moved 2 spaces with a pawn that could have captured it if it had only moved 1 space
× Ashton ×
I collapsed onto the concrete path below me, all the fight I had left in me giving up as I watched her drive away. Everything I had been working for the past month to stop from happening had just unfolded in front of my eyes. All the pleas to Luke, all the begging to take it back- all of it just fell apart in front of my eyes.
And I had to stand and watch as I broke her to pieces- again.
I felt someone run up behind me. I looked over my shoulder and watched as Calum crouched down to my level. His mouth was moving but I couldn't hear anything he was saying. My ears were ringing as I fell through the stages of grief- shock.
She always trusted Calum, even in moments she shouldn't have. I didn't want to trust anyone right now after what Andrew had just done to me, but she always saw something in Calum, so I had to too.
He spun around from behind me so he was in front now, trying to speak to me as everything fell apart. I tried to focus back on what he was saying, only catching an "are you okay?" before another voice rang out behind me.
Andrew's voice sent levels of anger through me that I couldn't explain. Every bone in my body wanted to destroy him for destroying her, and his presence made me see red. I stood up from where I sat, spinning and heading straight towards him as he came down the steps.
"I told you to do it yourself or I would," he shrugged, looking to the ground. He slowly looked back up as I reached him, at a perfect level as I collided my fist with the side of his face like I had so many times before.
This time my swing carried so much more anger. He'd just destroyed everything- her and I both included.
I didn't give him time to react before I brought my knee to his stomach, all my anger bubbling over. I continued pushing all my pain onto him in any way I could until I felt someone pull me back.
"I told you if you touched her, I'd kill you," I yelled at him, watching as he slowly got up.
Aj ran up behind him, pulling him back before I could go at it again. "And I told you if you hurt her, I'd kill you," he repeated back the same line, blood gushing from his mouth as he did.
"You never cared about her," I immediately shot back. Calum continued to pull me away from him, knowing I was a ticking time bomb.
"It wouldn't be too hard to care about her more than you right now," he said back, Aj pushing him out of the way of the stairs.
"Because you just ruined everything!" I yelled, my anger for him through the roof. "I was going to tell her once she trusted me again so I could explain it all to her right then and there, but you just ruined any chance I had of that."
"She's better off without you!" he yelled back, Calum pulling me back inside the house. "You were only going to hurt her in the end."
"She was never going to love you!" I finally snapped, saying something only he and I knew. "You're the one that broke her. She was never going to trust you."
His face dropped as soon as the words fell from my mouth, the entire team around me erupting in confused and shocked reactions.
"And now she's never going to love you, either," Andrew spoke, much calmer now that his secret was out. "You broke her too now. She's never going to trust you either- at least we're even."
Calum drug me up the front stairs, throwing me back inside the door. "What the fuck did you just say?"
"Nothing," I gritted through my teeth.
I felt my anger bubbling over again, immediately wanting to break something to rid of it. "Just leave! Get everyone else out!"
"Dude, no. You need someone right now. You're falling apart," Calum tried to stop me, knowing how close I was to barreling over the edge.
"I know I am!" I snapped, walking deeper into the house trying to escape the memories. "That's why everyone needs to leave! I can't do this."
"Fine. I'll get everyone out," Calum replied, leaving me alone as he started clearing out the house.
I locked myself in the same study Auni and I had fell apart in just a week earlier. Almost everything was back in place after my last rampage I'd cleaned up, but I knew I would have it destroyed again soon enough.
I paced the room, my hands ripping at the roots of my hair to distract myself from the pain in my soul. I needed her. She's what kept me together, and her glue she'd used on me had just melted away with the fire I'd burned her with.
I was falling apart piece by piece and pretty soon I would be a pile of shattered parts.
I tried to distract myself in any way I could, eventually falling to Auni's method.
5 things I could see- the books, the desk, the lamp, the window, the shadow of Auni from where she had stood just a week prior.
4 things I could feel- the walls closing in on me, my world falling apart, heartbreak, the pain I had been trying to protect her from.
3 things I could hear- ringing, Calum yelling for everyone to get out, Luke yelling louder to tell him to shut up.
2 things I could smell- the wood polish from the shelf I'd fixed over the past week, the way her perfume lingered in this room even a week later... or maybe I was just imagining that.
1 thing I could taste- salt from the tears that continued to pour down my face.
I reached to wipe them off, collapsing onto the floor as I leaned against the desk. I wanted to destroy something so badly, but I knew how much she hated when I'd get dangerous like this.
I didn't mean to hurt her when I'd grabbed her arm to stop her earlier, but I could see how scared of me she was in her eyes and that destroyed me more than anything. The only thing I ever wanted was for her to feel safe with me so she could trust me, and that all had just slipped through the cracks.
I was going to tell her. I still had more time until someone else had to. I didn't want to tell her now because she was just finally learning to retrust me after last weekend. I knew if I did tell her, everything would fall apart- just like it had.
I didn't want to hurt her. I wanted to wait until I could properly explain, but Andrew couldn't stand the idea of me having her instead of him.
"Ashton?"
My glance shot to the door, not moving from my spot as Calum slowly opened it.
"I got everyone to leave. I called a bunch of other people since they're all drunk," he told me as he slipped through the door and leaned against the shelf right inside. "You sure you'll be okay if I leave too?"
"Yeah," I choked out, closing my eyes to help reground myself before I spiraled again.
"I can stay if you want me to," he offered.
I shook my head, looking back over to him. "Have you talked to Auni? Is she okay?"
Calum shook his head. "I tried to call her but she won't answer me. She did just find out her best friend has been lying to her about something huge too so I can't imagine she's very happy with me either."
"Yeah, you and me both," I laughed lightly, trying to distract myself before I fell out of control again.
"Did you really love her?" Calum asked quietly from the doorway. "Like really, really love her? Last week when you said it, but did you actually mean it?"
"Yeah," I laughed to myself, reflecting on how I'd just ruined it. "I loved her with my everything. My whole world could be falling apart around me and all I care about is if she's okay. She deserves so much better than me and it destroyed me every moment I spent with her knowing I wasn't going to be able to be the man she deserves. I tried so hard to protect her. That's all I wanted, was for her to be safe, and I failed. I love her with every ounce of my being, and I just destroyed her, just like she always said the people who loved her did."
Calum didn't respond, rather slid to the ground to sit in the silence with me.
"I used to call her princess when she first came around," I started again. "She fucking hated it."
Calum laughed a bit with me too. "Yeah, she did. It drove her insane. She'd rant about it constantly."
"She asked me one night what it meant, and I told her it was because princesses were pointless in the storyline," I continued again. "And then once I'd started calling her Angel, she asked me again what princess had meant. I told her if I ever had to explain that to her, my world would be crashing down around me. Guess what?" I asked Calum across the room. "My world's falling apart around me, and I only care that she's okay, but I have absolutely no clue if she is. I'd answer her every question right now if she gave me the chance, but she can't even look at me."
"What did it mean?" Calum finally spoke, pulling me from my thoughts. "The princess thing?"
I laughed as I thought about it. "I'd loved her since we were twelve and I finally figured out what love was, and then Luke made me promise to stay away from her. I always thought princesses were pointless in the fairytales, and I had to convince myself somehow that she was pointless in mine... so I called her princess so she would have to be pointless to me. I hoped eventually I would believe it myself, but it never worked."
"Why'd you switch to calling her Angel then?" Calum asked, continuing to give me a place to spill all my feelings.
"Because once she quickly became the glue holding me together, I realized I was a devil reincarnated and she was the only light in my life," I explained, not even caring what I was spilling at his point since everything had been destroyed. "She was an angel ruined by the devil and I was the devil saved by an angel. I'll never be able to call someone else Angel. No one could ever take her place."
"Why'd you leave her that first time then?" he asked the burning question.
I sighed as I thought about not saying. If he'd get to her before me, I wanted to make sure she'd hear it from me, not him. But she deserved to know, and I had a feeling she wasn't planning on speaking to me again.
"Luke had made me promise to stay away from her when he found out I liked her freshman year," I spilled. "And I was scared he'd tell her and ruin any chance I'd have like he originally threatened if he caught me near her, so I stayed away from her, just like he'd wanted."
"That destroyed her, Ashton," Calum stated the obvious.
"I know," I admitted back. "And this just destroyed her just as much."
"Was that Luke thing why you pushed so hard to get her to quit the team too?" Calum continued to try to connect all the dots.
I shook my head. "No, the Luke thing all got worse after Andrew," I took a breath as I prepared to try to explain. "Luke thought I was the one that assaulted her, not Andrew. He went crazy on me one day, thinking it was me and he told me if I stayed away from her forever, he would follow my every step. Granted this was back when I cared about my reputation and was still trying to convince myself she was pointless, so I selfishly agreed and never told him it wasn't me."
Calum shook his head across the room, realizing how big of a web of lies had been spun around this poor girl.
"I had something on Luke, so he followed my every step. When he couldn't get her to quit the team himself, I reminded him of our deal. And if he couldn't keep her away from me, I had to get her away from me, cause I knew I would crumble soon enough around her."
"That was the deal you were talking about when you made the bet?" Calum asked, trying to connect the dots.
× × ×
"No, wait. You both don't think I'm serious?" I asked, genuinely wanting to know now.
"No, Ashton, I don't think you're serious because I'm her best friend. I know her better than anyone. She wouldn't sleep with you," Calum explained, sarcasm lacing his voice.
"I'd put the deal on it," I said before I could stop myself, looking over to Luke.
I didn't know why I was saying a single one of the things I was in this moment. I didn't have to prove to anyone that I knew Annie more than they did, but I also needed an excuse for Luke to finally let me close to her.
I can't keep just watching her from afar like I have for the past three years.
"If you win, I'll keep up my end of the deal forever, and you don't have to keep yours," I spoke before thinking. The only part of me speaking right now was the side of me craving her every moment of the day, not the rational side that thought of her too.
"And if you win?" Luke asked with a cock of a brow.
"You drop my end of the deal but keep up with yours until we graduate," I offered up.
"Nah, where the hell is the incentive for me? Either way, you get Annie," he asked, taking another drink.
"Not if I lose," I mentioned. "If I lose, I'll never touch her again, and you're free."
"Completely free? No strings attached?" Luke asked, sounding like he was weighing if it was worth putting her on the line for himself.
"Completely free. I'll leave you both alone."
× × ×
"Yeah," I sighed, remembering all the specifics of the bet I never should have made. "I put the deal on it since the deal was built off a lie anyways. I just needed an excuse for Luke to let me near her. I would have done anything just to be allowed to even look in her direction."
He let the room fall back to silence as we both thought about everything that had been said.
"Did you actually sleep with her?" he broke the silence, my eyes shooting over to him.
I took a deep breath, hating my answer. "Yeah."
I watched as his eyebrows shot up in surprise. "she never told me... I really never thought she'd give in."
"Because I told her not to tell you," I defended her. "And I didn't let her until she fully trusted me. Like the day we first kissed, I could have just slept with her then but I didn't let myself because I knew how broken she was, and I knew she deserved better. I loved her then, even though she doesn't believe me."
"So you could have just won this whole thing right after it started but you stopped yourself?" Calum asked, trying to connect the dots. "She could have just told me like she normally would, all would have been over, but you told her not to?"
"Yeah... because it was never a bet to me," I replied, closing my eyes again as I rested my head against the desk behind me. "The bet was only an excuse to be allowed near her without Luke freaking out and ruining it. If she would have told you, I would have never got a chance go explain."
"I don't think she knows all this," Calum stated.
I laughed. "No. She doesn't know any of it. Because she loses trust before I can even explain, and now my word means absolutely nothing."
"I'm sorry," he spoke quieter.
I just shrugged. "I did it all to myself, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but now I'm realizing neither of you ever deserved it," he replied.
"I deserve all the pain I'm getting right now. I broke my promise of not hurting her, I deserve this. I broke her first."
He slowly stood up, making me look back over to him. "Being a youngblood hurts too, but it shouldn't hurt this much."
I shook my head as I looked back to my hands as a distraction. I deserved everything that was coming to me.
"Do you want me to stay?" he asked again, slowly moving towards the door.
"Nah. I'll be fine," I flagged him off. "Just text me if she calls you or anything. I just need to know she's okay."
"I will," he nodded back, slowly starting to walk out the door. "I'm sorry again."
"Don't be. The only person you should be sorry for is her," I told him as I stood up, readying to get out of this room before more memories came flying back.
He nodded, knowing I wouldn't accept his remorse, walking himself to the door. I followed behind, starting up the steps as he opened the front door to leave.
"Calum?" I stopped him.
"Hmm?" he hummed back as he stepped back in a bit.
"Thank you," I said, realizing I didn't have time anymore to keep secrets. "And I'm sorry I got you wrapped into this too. Make sure she's okay for me, okay?"
"I will," he nodded on last time, shutting the door behind himself as he left me alone with my thoughts.
I drug myself up to my room, forcing myself into different clothes as I tried to stop all the memories from flooding back.
I couldn't help but think about her when I saw the shirts she always wore.
× × ×
I watched through the mirror as she shimmed the dress off her body under my shirt, following it down towards the floor as she stepped out of it. She set it on the counter, slipping her hands under her hair to pull it from under my shirt.
Her eyes caught mine in the mirror as I brushed my teeth, my focus completely on her as she moved.
"What?" she asked with a shy smile.
I leaned down to the sink, spitting out the toothpaste in my mouth before looking back up to her over my shoulder.
"Nothing," I told her, breaking our glance for a moment. "You're just pretty to look at in my clothes."
× × ×
I couldn't help but imagine her when I looked to the side of the bed she always wanted.
× × ×
"No, Ash!" she playfully fought back. "The right is always my side!"
"It wasn't last week? You're always on the left?" I asked confused, her smile undeniable as she stepped up to the foot of the bed.
"Come here," she sighed, waving me towards her. I stepped up behind her, naturally wrapping an arm around her waist as she stood in front of me.
"Okay, so I always have the right side, right?" she asked, pointing towards my bed we were facing. "Because it's the one farther from the door because you always want to be between the door and me."
I nodded, leaning my head down onto her shoulder against my shirt she wore yet again.
"Now see, if you hold up your hands," she started, bringing two L's up to show me which side was right from left. "I'm always on the right side!"
She pointed with the hand that made the L to the left side of the bed, the one farther from the door, claiming it as hers. "The right side is always mine," she continued.
I laughed to myself, trying not to embarrass her. "Angel, that's the left."
I reached for the two L's she had dropped, picking them back up to explain. I held both her wrist as we looked at both sides.
"See this one makes the L. That's the left," I explained, drawing the L with my finger over her left hand. "That's always your side."
"No, that's the right..." she thought to herself, dropping the L on her right hand as she pretended to pick up a pencil. When she realized I was correct, she sighed, dropping both her hands to her side as she pouted.
"No, here," I explained, spinning us so our back were to the bed. "Hold up your L's again."
She did as I said, holding up her hands in front of us. I traced her right hand. "See now, your side is the right side if we look at the bed backward. So technically you're not completely wrong."
"I know," she commented back, spinning in my arms. "I'm never wrong."
She smiled before she pushed me back onto the foot of the bed, climbing on top of me in a fit of laughter as she planted kisses across my face.
× × ×
I could help but think about her when I saw the record player in the same spot.
× × ×
I stood up, pulling out the record itself, turning to the player that sat on the window sill. I pressed some buttons, lining up the needle and taking a wild guess.
I set the needle down, listening carefully before shaking my head and picking it back up. I caught about a second of it, and I knew it wasn't the part I wanted. She watched as I set the needle down again, listening to a moment of silence before a distorted piano slowly faded in.
I watched the record player as it spun, her eyes shooting up to me as I turned around to face her again. The smile on my face was undeniable. I knew exactly what song I wanted to play as soon as I started flipping through the records.
I watched her brow furrow, her head tilting a bit as she held her arms tight to herself. She listened closely to the lyrics and didn't seem to recognize it.
"Come on. You don't know it?" I said dumbfounded as I got closer.
She looked up to me, shaking her head as she listened to the lyrics as they continued.
'Cause life slips by without a warning
And I'm tired of ignoring
All the space that's between you and I
I bit my lip. I couldn't believe she didn't know it. "It's classic Nickleback," I told her, finally reaching her. "I can't believe you don't know it."
"I'm sorry," she whispered back. I dropped my hands to her waist, leading hers to wrap up around my neck.
Let's lock the door behind us
They won't find us
Make the whole world wait
I rested my chin in the crook of her neck, her face turned sideways against my chest.
"Don't be sorry," I whispered in her ear, holding her still when she tried to pull back and look at me as I spoke. "Just listen to the lyrics."
× × ×
I could help but think about her when I saw the box of cassettes waiting to have music put on them.
× × ×
I sat at my desk as I thought over the tracklist, reading the note over and over again as the songs continued to play through the room.
She deserved for it to be perfect, just like her, so I spent hours nit-picking it until I decided it was good enough for her.
Each song carried meaning for us, placed in a specific order as I got up from the desk.
I moved to the box of empty cassettes, digging through for one I'd think she'd love. My eyes caught one of the only pink ones in the box, remembering how she'd told me once her favorite color was actually pink, but she told everyone blue since pink was always a socially girly thing when she was a kid.
I smiled as I grabbed it, walking it to my desk as I grabbed the blue tape sitting in the corner. I pulled a strip off, placing it across the top to contrast between the truth she told me and the lies she told everyone else to keep up her facade.
I grabbed a sharpie to write the title I'd decided on.
"If we never speak again, just remember in this moment, you were my whole world and I was your satellite."
I prayed to god that maybe one day Luke would let me take the whole bet back like I'd been begging for the past month, but so far it hadn't worked. I hoped it would never come to us never speaking again, but at least she'd know how much I loved her right now, even if I couldn't tell her yet.
× × ×
I couldn't help but think of her when I saw the make-up wipes on the bathroom counter.
× × ×
Right as she dropped her hands to take it from me, I lifted it to her face myself. She instinctively closed her eyes, and I focused as I lightly dragged it across her skin.
She sat quietly, letting me wipe the make-up off her face. I watched as she tried to stop her smile at my stupid way of showing affection, seeing as she bit her lip.
"I was kidding about the mascara running thing," I explained as I ridded her face of the makeup she had left. "I mean it does run and that is why I have them but my room is always off-limits."
She nodded lightly beneath my touch, not wanting to throw me off too much. She reached out for something to hold, a normal reaction for her when she got nervous, finding my tie as I leaned over where she sat.
"I never hooked up with anyone in my room. It was completely off-limits to everyone but me. The wipes just ended up in my bathroom cause I didn't have an excuse to put them anywhere else," I told her, her eyes still held closed.
"And why am I allowed in?" she asked before she could stop herself. I brought the wipe down from her face, her eyes opening as she watched me look down to it, folding it to distract myself. She continued flipping my tie within her fingertips to distract herself.
"Cause you're not just a hookup," I said back, completely honest. I brought the now folded wipe back up to her other eye, waiting patiently for her to close them so I didn't hurt her.
She refused to look away though for a moment, taking in my words before I finally told her, "Close your eye, Angel. I'll end up poking it out."
× × ×
I couldn't help but think of her when I looked in the mirror and imagined her beside me like so many times before.
× × ×
"Hey, Ash?" she called from inside my room, making me look away from the sink as I brushed my teeth for the night.
"Hmm?" I hummed back as loud as I could, my mouth still full of toothpaste and bubbles.
"Where did my shirt go?" she asked as she walked around the room, looking for the shirt that sat beside me on the counter. I leaned down, spitting out the mouthful of toothpaste before lifting my head enough to call back to her.
"In here," I called back, leaning my mouth under the water to swash out what was left of the bubbles.
She rounded the corner into the room quietly, her body language timid as she refused to believe me. Her blue eyes made it hard not to immediately look at her when I stood back up straight, watching her through the mirror. Her small stature was only covered in her bralette and Nike Pros, making me smile knowing how comfortable she was with me and herself. She brought herself slowly towards the counter, realizing I was right as she went.
"Oh," she spoke lightly, trying to stop her smile after I'm sure she'd searched the whole room to find out I had it for her.
I smiled as I grabbed it for her, holding it out for her to put her arms through. She walked up to me, sticking her arms through as I put it over her head.
"Why wasn't it where it normally is?" she asked as I helped pull her hair out from under it.
"Because," I started, pulling her into me so her back was against my chest. We locked glances through the mirror as I held my arms tight around her. "I wore it to sleep yesterday since I know you always complain when the cologne smell dies off of it."
"I never complain," she defended, smiling up to me as I continued to watch her through our reflection.
"I know," I explained. "But I watch how you react when you pull up to your nose and doesn't smell like me anymore."
I loved just watching the way she looked in my arms, never wanting to let her go. Our reflection painted our story in real-time, and I wished I could capture a photo of it to remember how she felt to hold right now.
She bit her lip as she pulled away from me, turning for the door as she dragged me behind her by my hand.
"Come on," she said. "You're embarrassing me and I'm getting cold."
× × ×
I couldn't help but think about her everything.
I tried to force myself to sleep, give her the space I knew she needed, but I couldn't stop asking myself if she was okay.
I finally gave in to my need to know, calling Luke at 12:06 a.m.
"Why are you calling me?" Luke groaned through the phone, obviously just waking up.
"Is Auni okay?" I asked before I could stop myself, just needing an answer to sleep soundly.
"I don't know. The bitch left without me and now I'm on Mikey's couch," he mumbled back.
"Luke, do you know what happened tonight?" I asked as I sat up in bed, honestly offended that he was being rude with what had happened.
"I blacked out, Mikey called her to get me, and then she left without me," Luke laughed.
"Because Andrew told her about the bet," I laid it out for him.
"What?" he quickly responded.
"Your mom's home, right? She not home alone, is she?" I felt my anxiety rise again.
"Mom's gone for work. She's alone. Why?" he responded back, slowly starting to fall asleep again.
"Luke, you know how she gets about drinking just when a simple thing happens," I stated what I thought was obvious.
"Yeah, I do. Cause I'm always the one picking up what you break," he snarked back, obviously not truly getting what I was on about.
"Luke, she thinks the past couple of months have been a complete lie. That's not just a minor thing," I explained as I got together my stuff. "She's gonna hurt herself."
"She's fine," he shrugged it off. "It's not like she's suicidal."
"Yeah..." I sighed back, trying to convince myself he was right. It didn't take long for me to remember so many things she had told me within this past month, reciting the one that scared me the most, "But drunk words are sober thoughts," I said as I hung up.
I grabbed my keys off the table, picking up a random shirt off the floor before running down the stairs. I threw the shirt on as I ran through the yard to my car, starting it and backing out before I could even think.
Maybe she was fine, but at least this way I'd know that now. Either way, it will be okay, right?
I floored it to her house, my mind continuing to run circles with how she gets when something small happens. This is destroying her. I was destroying her.
I hadn't just captured a minor piece. This was an En Passant and she was the pawn.
And I knew we weren't going to be alright anymore.
I didn't even think about it when I parked out front of her house and ran through the door. The lights were still on, the door unlocked. She'd told me she'd started locking it after I'd told her. She wouldn't just leave it open when she's home alone if she was in the right mindset.
"Angel?" I called up the stairs as I ran towards her room.
The door was open, music audible from the bottom step. I ran as fast as my feet could take me, knowing she only played music when she was on the roof, but the sun had set hours ago.
I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away
But, baby, I just need one good one to stay
I bolted when I reached the top step, having a gut feeling she wasn't okay.
That was one of our things- we could read each other so well. I knew when she trusted me and when she hated me. I knew when she was happy and when she was broken.
And when I wrapped around the corner to look into her room, I knew she had hit her rock bottom.
She sat pressed up against the footboard of her bed, her eyes closed, her head falling to one side like it was too heavy to hold up. Her skin was pale like the life had been stolen out of her.
My eyes fell to her hands. One rested around the neck of the tequila bottle, barely gripping it. In the other held the empty prescription bottle, the cap on the floor beside her, no pills in sight.
I felt myself hit rock bottom just at the sight of her.
I'd done this to her.
I'd killed my angel.