Tuesday, November 3rd- 6:59 p.m.
"Because I fucking love you!" I screamed, spinning to face him as the words I had been begging to speak fell from my lips. "And I fucking hate it! I hate how much I love you because every single person I love hurts me"
"You love me too?" he asked quietly compared to my screaming. "Did you mean that?"
"Yes, I fucking mean it," I admitted my defeat, still feeling that anger in my chest. "I wish I didn't but I do."
"I thought you didn't believe in love?" he asked as he slowly stepped towards me.
"I never did, because everyone I loved hurt me but I fell in love with you before you hurt me. I thought for once it would be different!" I slowly started yelling again, my anger for myself raising in each word. I looked at the floor as I continued rambling, not being able to look up to him as everything inside of my mind spilled out. "I thought maybe for once I could believe in love because you weren't gonna hurt me because that's what you promised! I finally let myself love you and I finally let myself trust you and I gave you my everyth-"
My rambling was cut off when his hands met my face and his lips crashed into mine before I could even think. My body reacted, pushing back against him as his tongue fought for dominance against mine.
I slowly gave in, tripping back from the force he was pushing against me. His hand caught behind my back, keeping me from slipping as mine fell to his shirt.
My mind couldn't process fast enough to stop me, rather my body working to fill the craving I'd been denying since Friday. I pushed my hands up under his shirt, pushing it over his head as I begged for air when we broke from the kiss.
I threw it to the side as he immediately pushed back into me, stumbling back with me until my back hit the wall. I immediately arched from the cold wood, pushing my covered chest into his. His hand traveled down my side to my bare thigh, pulling up my leg so it latched over his hip.
He pushed farther against me, making me pull back for air as he grinded into my core. I could feel my breathing pick up as his motion continued. He moved down my neck, kissing everywhere he went but not sucking- he was still respecting my 'not visible' rule.
He buried his face in my neck, his free hand falling to my other thigh, gripping it as he readied to pick it up. He pushed me tighter against the wall, pulling my last foot off the ground as he latched me around him. He brought his hands farther up towards my core to lift me farther up the wall, stopping when my legs met his waist.
"Lock your feet, Angel," he mumbled into my neck. I did as he said, locking my feet behind his back to hold me tight to him.
His hands switched from my thighs to under my shirt when he felt me wrap around him. He pushed his hands farther up until the shirt bunched around my chest. He lifted his knee under me for support, pulling my back off the wall as he yanked it over my head.
He immediately dropped it to the side, slamming me back into the wall behind me as he traveled down my chest. He chuckled against my skin as he kissed across the fading marks from last time. "Who left these, Angel?"
"You," I moaned out, focusing on the way his lips felt against my tender skin.
"Oh, really? Not Mikey?" he asked, egging me farther. "Cause you didn't have an issue kissing him in other places."
I stayed still, pulling in a desperate breath as he nicked my skin with his teeth. "Now I'm going to ask again? Who left these?"
I parted my lips to respond but failed to form the words. I reached down to direct his lips to mine, hoping he'd accept it as my answer. He pulled back silently, studying my expression before explaining-
"Use your words, Angel."
"You," I struggled out. He immediately brought his lips back to my skin at my correct answer, leaving sloppy kisses as he went. His lips sent sensations across my skin I couldn't explain, so I continued the answers he wanted to hear. "You left them. No one else."
He sucked more hickey's across my bare skin, holding my attention for only a moment before my hands fell to his belt loop. I started trying to work it loose, finally getting the buckle undone as I went in for the button on his jeans. He dropped his hand to stop me, pulling me off before announcing to me, "Don't move."
I held still like he'd told me, allowing him to return back to what he'd been doing. His soft yet hungry kisses left marks across my whole chest as he supported me against the wall. I could feel as he grew against his pants below me, making me roll my hips against him.
His hands dropped to my hips, stopping my movement as he shot me a warning glance. "I said don't move."
I nodded, returning to my frozen state as he went back to what he'd been doing. He used his free hand to slip the strap of my bra off my arm, using the missing tension to allow the cup to fall. His lips found a home on my chest, his tongue to kiss circles as he pulled sounds from my lips.
In a desperate attempt for more, I moved again. My hands fell to his jeans button again, trying to pop it free. I was abruptly stopped by his grip again, his lips leaving my chest to whisper in my ear. "What did I tell you?"
I waited for him to answer his question as I listened to his belt leave the loops of his pants. He stayed silent as he looked up to me, waiting for me to answer for him. With one of my hands locked in his grip and his other hand on his belt, I had a feeling I knew where this was going, causing me to fall to silence in anticipation and fear.
"You were so loud earlier? What happened for the sudden attitude change, Angel?" he cockily asked.
I lolled my head away from him, looking away from his glance. The hand that was holding his belt lifted to my chin, the cold metal pressing to my cheek as he pulled my face back straight. "Look at me when I'm talking to you," he told me firmly, making me nod lightly in his grip. He let his hand fall from my chin, asking again. "Now I asked, what did I tell you?"
He looked to me for my answer as he supported me on his knee again. When we both sat in silence. When it became obvious I wasn't going to give in to his demands, he leaned into my ear. His voice was dark and raspy as his words lingered in the air beside me. "Put your hands behind your back."
I thought about listening, knowing how much easier it would make it for me in the end, but I was never one for following the rules- so I did exactly what he told me, I stayed still.
He pulled back and watched the challenging look in my eyes. "Did you hear me?"
I did exactly what he told me- I stayed still- as he stared me down for an answer.
"Answer me," he demanded as he pulled both my hands behind my back.
I stayed perfectly still as he gripped tighter on my arms as if to help demand his answer out of me. He leaned against my ear again, his anger rising with my silence. "You answer when I speak to you."
"You told me not to move," I replied breathy, making sure my words lingered with him. "I'm making sure I stay perfectly still."
He pulled back to watch the words fall from my lips, noticing the smirk that followed. He held my wrists in one hand as he reached back for his belt. "You know how this works by now, Angel," he gritted through his teeth, bringing the belt to meet my wrists as he tied them both together. I tried to pull against them as he latched them tight, but he beat me to it, taking away my last out. "You know how to behave. You just chose not to."
I smirked to myself, knowing he was only frustrated because I didn't just give in to his demands. He dropped his hands back to support me up, dropping his knee back to the ground. He went back to kissing across my chest, paying special attention to my sensitive spots. I hummed small moans at his actions, wishing more than ever I had my hands to run through his hair for some form of release.
"What happened to your broken ankle?" I mumbled, disobeying his power yet again as I doubted him.
"I'm sure it won't hurt anymore when I'm railing you into this wall," he mumbled back, one of his hands falling to my shorts.
I was wearing loose athletic shorts, so his hand easily slipped under them. He slid the fabric of my panties off to the side, two fingers sinking into me with no warning. I sucked in a deep breath as I arched to the feeling, not having been ready for it.
"Holy shit," I breathed out, collapsing into his power.
"Bet you'll listen from now on," he whispered into my ear as my head fell to his shoulder.
He pulled them back quickly, sinking an extra one in the next time around, not giving me time to adjust. I begged for air as my head flew back into the wall, needing so form of support. I nodded to his words, swallowing a gulp of air before begging for more.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll listen," I moaned out, breathy as he started moving consistently at my begging.
He quickly found a rhythm, my pleas for mercy falling to match. "That's my pretty girl," he hummed back, kissing across my neck as he went. I let out a breathy hum of agreement, missing moments like this.
I tried to lean in, leave kisses on his neck to match the ones he was planting on mine. At the first connection of my lips to his skin, he added a thumb in to circle my clit to stop me. "Don't move."
The extra stimulation started pulling that same knot tight in my stomach, making my head fly back up out of his neck. My breathing turned to begging whimpers. I needed nothing more than to release that knot tied in my stomach.
"Stop whimpering," he demanded as my head fell to his shoulder in defeat. "I know you can take more than this."
With his words, he pushed me farther, circling my clit faster and he pumped his hand in and out of me quicker. My back arched up off the wall as my head flew back against, pushing my hickey-covered chest farther into his in a need for release. I bit my tongue to stop the sounds from falling from my mouth, catching the ones from deep in my throat in my locked lips.
I pulled against the restraints behind my back, needing something as I barreled towards the edge. I couldn't hold the sounds back, my pleas and moans falling in a stream over the time he edged me closer, his name falling from my lips when he didn't match his lips to mine.
"Holy shit, Ash-" I pleaded against my will, loosing tension in my legs as they started to shake. He wrapped the arm that wasn't pushing me closer with every second back around my back, holding me close to him so I didn't slip. "I'm so- so close, Please."
He hummed back at my begs, picking up his pace to my pleas. "I got you, Angel. Let me hear those pretty sounds of yours."
With his permission, that knot in my stomach snapped, my moans turning to screams. I leaned into his shoulder again, muffling my noise as he slowly let me come back down against him.
My chest rose up and down against his bare skin, his lips softly placing kisses across my neck. I pulled my head up from his neck, leaning back into the wall as I came down from my high, his smirk undeniable as I finally opened my eyes.
"You can do it again for me, right?" he asked as he brushed a piece of hair back out of my eyes.
"Come on, Ash. If you're gonna break my heart, at least break my back as an apology," I taunted.
I watched as he looked to me in disbelief, his dark green showing through as he wrapped his second arm back around me and pulled me off the wall. He carried me over to my bed, throwing me down with my hands still trapped beneath me. "What do you want me to do to you?"
"Break me, Ash," I moaned back, asking for what I knew I'd receive.
"You're not going to be able to say anything but my name after I'm done with you." His hands quickly moved to his back pocket, pulling out a foil packet before throwing his wallet to the side. I laughed lightly to myself, sitting up as I chose to push my luck farther.
"What happened to taking out the condom in your wallet?" I pushed him.
He quickly towered over me as he pushed me back down to lay out flat. "Yeah, and then I fucked you and knew it wouldn't be long till it happened again."
"You're a cocky piece of shit," I mumbled to myself as he stood back up, ripping the package open.
"You're gonna lay under me right now and tell me I wasn't right?" he asked with a cocky smile.
"Watch yourself or I won't be under you anymore," I said back, sitting up as I lifted a brow at him, insinuating something he couldn't stand the idea of.
"Yeah, I could put money on that not happening," he laughed back, rolling the condom on.
"Wait, what's my safe word?" I stopped him for a moment. "Like what's my out?"
"You could say stop and I would," he reminded me, leaning down over me as he waited. "But you can have a special word if you want one."
"Red card. If I call red card, that's my out," I offered up, watching as he nodded above me to my stupid soccer term.
"Okay," he agreed again, looking down between us again before asking one last time. "You sure?"
I laughed a bit knowing my mind had no part of this decision. This was purely fueled by our anger and the craving for the other.
"You better just fuck me before my mind can catch up," I laughed to him, leaning back against the bed as I prepared for the initial pain.
"Is that a genuine yes, Angel?" he asked for real words, continuing to wait till I gave them to him.
I didn't let my mind process what I was answering. "Yes."
I watched him smirk above me before he lined himself up, slowly sinking into me to give me time to adjust. My head pushed back against the comforter as my eyes rolled back in my head, my back arching up off the bed beneath me.
He barely leaned over me rather than laying on top of me, giving him a whole new angle than last time. I moaned out at the sensation, knowing this is the exact part of him my body had been craving since I lost my trust in him.
Yet here I was handing my everything back over to him, not even knowing what to trust.
But this was fueled by anger, not love like it had been the last time. This wasn't me showing my love through physical touch. This was me giving in to the craving alcohol couldn't fix- just like I used to.
He pulled back, going agonizingly slow with each movement. The slower he went the more pain I could feel. All I truly wanted was for him to go fast so it would hurt in other ways.
"Holy shit, Ashton," I swore as he continued his slow pace. "Fuck me already."
"You asked for it, now take it," he told me, refusing to speed up. "You know the rules."
I bucked my hips, knowing it would make him mad and eventually fuck me harder. His arm slammed into my stomach, holding me down as he looked up to me with a look of disbelief.
"You know the rules," he repeated to me again. "Behave."
"I would if you would just-"
My sentence was cut off when he pulled himself the whole way back before slamming back into me. My head flew up off the bed, my chin coming to my chest as the pain radiated through my body.
"What the hell? That hurt," I breathed out, falling back to the bed beneath me. His hand slowly made its way to my neck, pushing against the veins on each side to start my head rush. He leaned down to my ear as my eyes fluttered shut.
"Then listen to me next time," he advised as he started moving again.
I savored every sensation as he picked up a rhythm, missing the way this felt. Thankfully my mind was too focused on the knot in my stomach to think about what I was doing in that moment. I knew if I would have properly thought about it, I would have stopped myself, but I also had to recognize the trust I still had to have in him to even let it get this far.
He leaned down into me again as he continued rocking in and out, removing the hand from my neck and slipping under my back, supporting his body weight as he pulled me closer to him. I buried my head in his neck as he lifted me to him, trying to connect every part of us he could.
I left a small kiss on his skin before my head lolled back again, giving him access to my neck. He continued to pick up his pace as he pushed me towards my breaking point yet again. I moaned out his name as my breathing increased, his words of reassurance falling from his mouth just like last time.
"You're doing so good for me," he mumbled into my neck, continuing to rock harder into me. "Always so perfect."
I nodded below him, my gasps for air turning into consecutive moans as he continued. His hand not holding me to him slipped down to my lower stomach, making me tense at the idea of being pushed over again already.
But instead, he pushed himself up off me slightly, looking down to where his hand laid flat against my skin before laughing lightly.
"What is-" I started to ask when he slammed himself against me again, holding himself deep as he smirked again.
I sucked in a sharp breath at the pain, looking down at him with an annoyed expression after having told him it hurt. He smiled as he rocked back into his normal rhythm.
He reached his hand around my back to find my tied ones, pulling the belt off to free them. "Feel how deep I am," he told me as he grabbed one of my hands, pulling it out from behind me before setting it on my stomach where his had been. His hand laid over mine as he slammed into me again, holding my hand still as he did. I sucked another sharp breath before refocusing on feeling what he was talking about.
"You feel that?" he asked as he held himself still.
"No, not really over the fucking pain," I told him with an attitude.
He did the same thing again, angling it slightly differently. I reacted again, begging for air as I shot an annoyed look at him. He just shrugged. "You have pain kink. Get over yourself."
I rolled my eyes before falling back against the bed, finally feeling what he meant. I could feel the bulge under my skin, shaking my head as a stupid smile pulled across my lips knowing how big of an ego boost that just gave him.
"You can feel it too," he stated, chuckling before he started rocking again. "That's just how much power I have over you right now."
I could still feel it lightly when he moved normally, but every time he slammed against me, I could feel every inch of it, inside and out.
After I got lost in my breathing again, he moved my hand from its place, replacing it with his own as he started circling my clit. I moaned out his name as he pushed me closer, obviously close behind as he pushed me faster.
"Shit, Ash. I'm-" I tried to get the words out, having to stop to suck in a deep breath of air my system was begging for. "I'm close."
You'd think after last time I would have been ready for him to completely stop, but it still took me by surprise when my entire core went empty. I looked up to him with an annoyed expression. "Please don't tell me we're doing this edging thing again."
He didn't find my comment very funny as he directed me, "get on your hands and knees."
I slowly pushed myself up and rolled onto my stomach, moving slowly and confused as he controlled my every move. I pulled my knees up under myself, looking back to him as I sat waiting for what his next move was.
He slowly moved up behind me, wrapping an arm across my stomach to hold me back to him. With my chest flat up against his, he pushed me down forward. I caught myself on my hands, feeling as he pulled me back towards him by the arm wrapped at the bend of my waist.
I turned over my shoulder to look at him but was caught off guard as he sunk back into me. I let out a breathy scream as he gave me no time to adjust. He rocked into me with the same force he'd stopped with, restarting my orgasm from the beginning.
I bit my tongue to stop my scream from overpowering us both, squeezing my eyes shut in a desperate attempt to stop the sounds. Ash immediately noticed, smirking to himself as he leaned down and nipped the skin across my shoulders. The arm he had wrapped under my waist flattened out against my chest, forcing me to lean up with him. My weight fell back against him as he continued to rock into me from behind. Each of my moans were silent from pure shock and bliss.
"Why do quiet, Angel?" He whispered into my ear over my shoulder. "I'm only doing what you asked- breaking you."
I frantically nodded as I drug in desperate breathes. My eyes laid closed as my hand hopelessly roamed for something to grab, landing in his hair like usual.
"You can take it, right, Angel? For me?" he breathed behind me, his groans getting harder to hide as he pushed us both closer. "You wouldn't lie to me when you asked me to break you, would you?"
"I can- I can take it," I suicidally responded through moans, knowing I'd just signed my own death certificate.
He hummed in approval behind me, slowing his motions as he spoke, "eyes open, Angel."
I sucked in a deep breath, swallowing down my scream, and slowly let my eyes fall open. It was in this moment I realized when he'd move our position.
"Look at yourself, Angel," he whispered into my ear, pointing to the mirror that hung from my closet door. I watched exactly what he had been since he moved us. Through the mirror, he could see my everything. I watched mesmerized as I studied his body behind my own, how his hands molded to my curves to hold me to him. I could see the sweat glistening off our bodies, my glance finally falling to Ashton's and his cynical smirk. "Watch what I do to you."
I nodded but didn't expect it as he suddenly quickened his pace. I fell back to my natural reaction, my head slipping down as he drove himself into me. I felt his hand connect to my jaw, lifting my head back up to watch myself, "look at how perfect you are for me."
I fought my eyes open, watching carefully at how my lips laid agape as I begged for air between my moans, how my legs began shaking as he edged me closer, how my body weight fell back into him as I lost control of my body- because of him.
"Just like that, Angel. That's my pretty girl," he praised, continuing to push me as I tethered on the edge. "Who's doing this to you?"
"You," I breathed out in one desperate plea for air and release.
"No one else? Ever?" he continued.
"No one else. Always you," I panted as my eyes drooped shut again.
He hummed at my response and I knew I'd given the right one. "You can come undone. You have my permission, but only if you watch yourself come undone. Watch what I do to you."
I nodded in front of him, feeling as that knot in my abdomen pulled tight, pushing me over my edge. I screamed out his name as he continued to rock into me, extending my high as he chased his.
"Look at you," he breathed against me, continuing to push me on. "So good for me."
I forced my eyes open to watch exactly what he meant, noticing how my entire body ran flush with pink, my veins carrying the natural oxytocin through my body, and how my lips pulled into a smile.
He slowly lost his rhythm within me, sending sharp pains through my body every time he'd slam into me. I screamed out each and every time, my whole body oversensitive as he prolonged my high.
"That's it. Keep screaming for me," he commented snarkily, barely able to force out the words as he lost himself within me. "Show me how much you love me."
Not knowing how much more I could take, I tightened every muscle I could to pull him down with me. It quickly worked as he slammed hard into me two in a row, making me scream before he stopped.
He held me against him as he rode out his high while I finally got to fall from mine. "Holy shit, Angel," he mumbled into my neck. "You did so good, just like always."
He held us still for a moment before pulling himself out of me, supporting me as he carefully laid me onto my back. I laid still, trying to breathe and stop the head rush as thought flowed back to me.
I wouldn't have let him do that if I didn't trust him- I would have called red card as soon as he touched me if I didn't trust him. There had to be such a huge piece of me that believed him.
I stayed still until I felt his hands pulling me to sit up. He'd pulled back on his boxers before bringing me his shirt. He slid it over my head as he held me up, taking care of me just like he had last time.
He helped me to my feet, picking me up as he led me out the door and to the bathroom. He set me down inside, reminding me "I'm not letting you get hurt. Use the bathroom" before walking out.
I did as he said, knowing if I didn't want a UTI, I needed to. I washed off my hands, walking back towards my room.
I didn't know if I wanted him to be there or for him to be gone at that point. My mind couldn't think straight as my body tried to trick my trust issues with what I had just done.
But when I opened my door, he laid in the center of my bed, the blankets flipped back for me to crawl into. I smiled lightly to myself as I turned to pull a pair of panties from my dresser, slipping them on before walking over and crawling in with him.
I wrapped myself around him, missing this feeling over the past couple of days that I had been pushing him away. My face fell to his chest, my chin supported on my hand as his arm wrapped around me. His eyes had fluttered closed, his face in complete relaxation as he drew patterns on my bareback.
I watched him silently for a moment before my mind started running again.
"Do you remember when you told me you'd love me till the day I die?" I whispered, watching as he propped his head up to look down at me on his chest.
"Yeah," he nodded, waiting for me to continue.
"Did you mean that?" I asked quietly, knowing the answer wouldn't truly affect anything, but I still wanted to hear it.
"I would never lie to you, Angel," he told me quietly.
I broke my glance from his, laying my cheek against my hand as I let his words play over again.
"Why do you ask?" he continued on. The hand that had been drawing on my back fell to my hair, brushing some out of my face.
I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess lately all our conversation end like it's our last goodbye."
"It never has to be," he replied from above me. "I love you always, Angel."
"I hate how much I love you."