Monday, November 2nd- 5:12 p.m.
After a day filled with Advil and water, distractions, and confusion, we were officially back to the school week. I dreaded every minute of going back, especially knowing I had practice after. But it was just my luck that today wasn't just practice, but a game.
I didn't want to do it. I knew I was going to have to go onto that field and play that game like it wasn't members of my team that had broke me to this point. But I also knew I couldn't let down the other half of the team that needed me.
So I just sucked it up.
I pretended all day that nothing had happened. I changed for the game like the guy who fucked me three days prior and then broke my trust the next wasn't standing behind me.
The only person I could truly trust anymore was Calum. He had been the only person to not lie to me within the past week so I had to have faith in at least someone. He talked his usual locker room entertainment as I sat on the bench beside him. He tried his best to cheer me up but I knew I was pretty well a lost cause at this point. I knew I looked like a mess. My eyes had to be puffy from crying so much over the weekend, but Calum tried his hardest to make me smile. I gave him a couple of fake ones, hoping it would suffice enough to make him think he'd accomplished his goal.
I couldn't help but look over to Ash across the room. He sat with his back to me, leaned over the bench as he tied his cleats. I wondered if he turned that way for a reason, if it hurt him to look at me just as much as it hurt me to look at him.
Calum caught on pretty quick to the unnecessary pain I was causing myself, putting a hand on my thigh to shake me back to reality. I slowly looked back at him, and I knew he could see how destroyed I felt.
"You have to focus, Annie," he whispered, trying to keep me from falling back into my mind. "You can worry about that later but right now he's just your teammate and you have a game to win."
I nodded lightly to him, knowing that was true but it didn't make it sting any less.
All of our focus changed when Coach walked in, having more energy than anyone else in this room. He gave us our usual pep talk- telling us the best plays against this team, our starting positions, and hyping us up for the win.
I tried to forget everything happening around me, remembering at that moment that Ashton was only my teammate and nothing more. I treated it like I had Andrew for the past four months- he was a teammate, not the guy who absolutely destroyed me.
It worked for a while. We made it through warmups with no issues. I just tried to focus on my stretches instead of who was leading them.
And it got me through Coach's final pep talk and the team break, but then Coach let us all know that the scouts were here. They were looking for the best players for their college teams and it made this game so much more important for so many of the players. It made me more nervous knowing I had to be there for my team now. I couldn't let my personal issues get in the way of their future college acceptances- especially Ashton's.
I remembered how he'd told me his mom worked overtime just to keep him alive and how he worked every off-season straight through. He didn't have the money for college. He was banking on athletics.
I really couldn't fuck this up for any of them.
The first half passed by quickly, Aj and I switching in and out to give each other breaks. I played my time on the field like I always did. I was there for Ashton cause my team needed the goal, not because I'd fallen for him. And that mentality got me through the first half and into the start of the second.
The second half started tied 1-1, giving us optimal time to still win or lose. Coach continued switching me and Aj out. It was our normal routine at this point.
When I went in for Aj this time though, it slowly started to rain. They didn't call off the game though. We had only 20 minutes left and we were hoping we could beat the thunder.
We pushed through the slick conditions, working as if it wasn't pouring around us. All of us were drenched, trying out hardest to push through because we knew some of us needed those scouts to pick us out of the group.
Ashton eventually pushed up towards the goal again, taking a shot but the goalie just stopping it. The added conditions were making setting up shots so much harder- the ball moved faster across the wet turf than it would dry, meaning you had to recalculate your usual force to make sure you still got to it correctly.
The goalie stepped out of the goal box as we all moved back downfield. The refs blew their whistle, bringing in other plays to switch out. I saw Aj running towards me, pointing to Coach on the sidelines who was ushering me off faster with hand signals.
I ran off quickly, scared as to what I had done. I gave Aj a questioning look, hoping he could give me an answer as I ran past, but he just shrugged. When I finally reached Coach, he immediately did a hand motion to get me to spin around.
"What?" I asked as I stood with my back to him.
He set down his clipboard, his hand pushing against my back, trying to smooth something out. "Did you bring your red tape?"
"No, why?" I asked confused, trying to look over my shoulder to see what he was doing.
"Because your numbers falling off," he explained, giving up on trying to push it back on. "And I can't have two 15's on the field.
"Shit," I huffed to myself, trying to come up with what to do. I'd left the tape at home, never having had an issue with it since I'd originally put it on. I guess the rain made it lose its stick.
"You're gonna have to bench until we can figure something out," Coach explained to me, seeming more stressed than I was. "Or I can pull Ashton and send you in on forward," he mumbled.
"No," I immediately spoke before I could think. "He needs the scouts to pick him. I don't need this game like he does. Leave him."
I was trying not to think like he was the guy who broke me. He was just my teammate.
"Okay," Coach replied, sounding a bit thrown off. "There's only ten minutes left, hopefully he doesn't get tired."
"He's got it," I whispered below my breath, hating that I knew it was true. No matter how much I didn't want to admit it, I still knew him better than anyone else.
I pulled the failed tape off my back, rolling it up in my hand as the tension raised on the bench. I looked up to the gameplay, watching as Aj ran the ball up the wing towards the goal. Everyone pushed towards the goal in hopes they could score to push us up a point. Aj ran it as far as he could before all the defenders swarmed him. He looked to Ashton, kicking it in to him.
But like I said, the ball moves faster across wet turf.
Ashton tried to readjust, relining up to shoot. I watched in panic as I saw a player from the other team running in behind him. Ashton was completely blind to his arrival and no one was calling it. "Behind, behind," I started anxiously whispering to myself.
I continued my anxious whisper as Ashton reached the ball, pulling back to shoot. The other player continued to run towards him even as Ashton continued to be blind. In a moment of panic as Ashton kicked forward, I yelled out "behind!".
But I was too late. Right as Ashton connected with the ball, that player slipped his foot in front of Ashton to block it. He missed the ball, but he didn't miss Ashton, ramming into him in the process.
The stadium filled with 'ooo's of pain as Ashton hit the ground. I shot up from the bench, my concern rising with each tickcing second, especially when he didn't stand back up.
The goalie caught the shoot, moving up to throw the back downfield as all the players filed out of there. When everyone had moved away and Ashton was still down, Aj and the other wing finally started getting the ref's attention to get them to call a pause.
The refs finally saw him, blowing the whistle to stop the play as Coach and the athletic trainer ran on the field to him.
"And the star forward, Ashton Irwin, is down," the announcer informed the stadium.
I fought the urge to run after him with them, but the rest of the team on field ran in towards him. I knew he wasn't alone. No matter how much I didn't trust him, he was still a stranger I had memories with and I didn't want him in pain.
The stadium was silent as I fell back to the bench, all the players on one knee as we waited to see if Ashton would get up.
I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I waited, praying he was okay. My head fell to my hands, my worry growing as to why he was still down. I should have just ran on field to him.
My face was covered in a panic when the stadium erupted in cheers, making my glance shoot up to where he had been down.
He was up, leaning on Aj as he walked with a limp. Coach and the trainer followed behind, waiting till he was off the field to figure out what was wrong. Aj brought him to the bench, setting him down on the end farthest from me so the trainer had room to check him.
"Okay, Aj, go back out. You're on wing," Coach told him, flipping through his clipboard.
"Who are you putting on forward then?" he asked, looking around to us on the bench.
"I don't know," Coach mumbled, continuing to look for a paper. "I always had Calum back up him but Calum's usual backup isn't here so I can't move him, and I can't have you do it because you never learned-"
"Put Auni in," Ashton spoke from the end, all of our attention switching to him.
"Her number came off. I can't," Coach explained, rubbing his forehead as he became more stressed.
"But I'm not on the field. She can be 15 out there for a moment," Ashton continued, the trainer messing with his ankle as he pushed Coach.
"But she'll have to be in your spot and I don't want it to mess up the scouts seeing the same number but different players," Coach continued.
Ashton just shrugged. "I believe in her. She knows what she's doing. Hell, she's a better player than me. She's not going to mess anything up."
Coach sighed, looking over to me in the center of this whole conversation. "You got this, Annie."
"I've never played forward before," I immediately defended, getting scared knowing I wasn't in the right headspace for the possibility of Ashton's future to be riding on my back.
"Yeah, but-" Coach started.
"It's just like wing," Ashton interrupted, my attention falling to him. "But you stay up towards the goal and watch both your sides instead of just in. You have to step up with the defenders or they'll call you as offsides but you know that from being on the offense. The only difference is everyone goes in to you instead of you in to them."
"I don't want to mess it up for everyone who needs to win this for the scouts," I shook my head, mainly thinking about Ashton in the back of my mind.
"I believe in you, Angel," Ashton spoke softly from the end. "You know what you're doing. Just trust yourself."
I shook my head in disbelief that I was even thinking about doing this. I slowly stood up as the ref ran up to the sideline in front of Coach.
"Hey, are you putting in a new forward or not?" the ref asked. "We've got to start now to beat this storm."
Coach's glance fell to me. I sighed and stepped up, slowly walking towards the field.
"Yeah, number 15. Anastasia Hemmings," Coach told the ref behind me as I ran on field.
All the guys around me cheered me on, knowing I had no clue what the hell I was doing, but their trust in me made me want to win this.
The ref blew this whistle and everything started moving again. The goalie threw the ball down to our side, everyone following them back to our goal to help defend.
I stayed where Ashton had explained, watching the defenders around me to make sure I wasn't offsides. I'd watched Ashton do it plenty of times, it couldn't be that hard, right?
I looked up to the clock that read seven minutes left, making me grow more nervous knowing I had to score a goal in that time for my team.
I looked back to the guys farther downfield, watching as Aj got the ball and broke off up the wing. The defenders behind me pushed back, me following close behind as I tried to make myself open to Aj to pass in to.
He moved quickly, breaking the line of defense as more of our players got closer. The defense swarmed into him, giving me a chance to break off so he could pass.
I stepped back a bit, which was usually a huge no, but I knew I could shoot from here. I called to Aj, "middle!" and watched as he kicked it in to me.
I lined up like Ashton would have, kicking it towards the goal. It was headed perfectly for the top right corner, but the goalie just caught it to stop.
I sighed as I missed, knowing Ashton could have made that easy. Aj and the other wing reassured me it was okay and started back down towards our goal, getting ready to defend.
I slowly walked back up, stopping as the whistle blew to switch out players. I looked up to the clock, 4 minutes remaining.
"Angel!" I heard called from the sidelines.
I hated the way my attention immediately shifted to his direction, trying to find him in the crowd of bodies. when I finally did, I realized he was up off the bench, standing on the sideline, flagging me over through the pouring rain.
I looked down to Coach, trying to decide if I actually had to go over or not. Coach shrugged, giving me a hand motion of 'just do it'.
I sighed as I ran towards the sideline, just wanting to get this over with. I could see how he was favoring his weight to one side, obviously injured somewhere that he wasn't standing normally.
"What?" I finally asked as I got close, dreading talking to him for the first time since last night.
"You're getting in your head," he immediately said back. I kept my distance, still hating how he knew me so well. "I can tell. You're not locking your thumb under your fingers when you shoot."
I laughed at the stupid habit that gave away how messed up my brain was right now.
"You can't focus on winning or losing. You're putting too much pressure on yourself and throwing yourself off," Ashton continued. "Play it like I'm out there with you. I'm on wing, you're in the middle, like when we play one v one at home. I know how far you can shoot from. You're good at the game. You've proved it multiple times before, so focus on that fact and play for me."
I shook my head with a stupid smile at his words. I hated how well he understood what I was feeling.
"Fine," I sighed, turning back around to run to the center before he could say anything else.
The ref blew the whistle, the ball getting kicked way over my head and down to midfield. The other team took it and pushed towards our goal, Andrew ready to guard.
I turned lightly back to see where Ashton was. He was limping back over to the bench, fighting off the trainer as he scolded him for leaving. It made me laugh a bit knowing Ashton was defending why he'd hurt himself more to talk to me, but I just hoped he would be okay in the end.
I focused back on the game, watching as the clock ticked down to 2 minutes. One of the defenders tried to clear it, one of the other team's midfielders catching it and sending it back in. I sighed as I grew more worried, just wanting to win this for them.
The other team kicked a shot, Andrew catching it and immediately stepping up to throw it. I glanced at the clock watching as it ticked down only seconds, making my nerves shoot through the roof.
Andrew didn't give anyone any time to think as he launched it down to me, not waiting to check for anyone else open. I ran in to meet it, immediately turning and taking it towards the other goal.
I weaved through the start of the defenders, having all four of them on me since the wings hadn't got here yet. I looked frantically as I tried to decide what to do until Aj's voice rang out beside me. "Here!"
I chipped it over to him, backing up a bit so I was open too. The defenders immediately swarmed him, giving me a second to check the clock. 45 seconds left.
"Middle!" I called before I could stop myself, knowing we didn't have time to mess around.
I stepped back farther, which is something you're never supposed to do as a forward. Aj looked at me confused for a moment before trusting my crazy idea and kicking it back to me.
All the defenders turned to run to me, but with 5 yards between them and me, I had plenty of time to line up my shot.
I brought my foot to the ball before it even stopped from Aj's kick, sending it towards the opposite corner I had last time, throwing off the goalie. He tried to recover from his assumption but the ball just shot over his glove as the whistles blew.
I'd just made the final goal with 15 seconds on the clock.
The stadium erupted in cheers, our whole team jumping in celebration as the clock ran out. I punched the air as I jumped in celebration, catching sight of my hand as I did- my thumb was locked under my index finger and middle, just like it always was when I shot on goal.
My glance fell to Ashton on the sidelines, his foot propped up on the bench as the trainer wrapped it. The smile on his face was undeniable, and I knew I'd at least made him proud.
I turned back to Aj as he reached me, pushing me around in excitement. "You did it!"
"I did it!" I repeated back, balancing myself back straight from his push.
"And that is our game everyone!" the announcer spoke through the stadium. "Our final tally is 2-1 with our final goal scored by Anastasia Hemmings, number 15."
A couple of my team members running towards me had funny looks on their faces at the wrong number, making me laugh knowing how long of a story it would be.
Eventually, they reached us as we all ran towards the center, forming a circle in a group celebration. Even after all the games we'd won, we never lost our excitement for the high after the clock ticked to zero.
Coach joined us quickly, a smile on his face too as all of us jumped around. We broke apart to face him, waiting for his end-of-game talk.
"God damn it, Anastasia Hemmings, when I let you join this team I never thought you'd bring so much trouble along with you," he said sarcastically, a laugh following close behind. "You're really giving Ashton here a run for his money."
I watched as Coach pointed behind himself, Ashton limping over to join the circle. His foot was wrapped up and barely shoved into a slide, his hair drenched like everyone else.
I bit my cheek as memories flowed back. It wasn't hard to know how much I cared for him but having that ever-living memory of how much he'd hurt me in the back of my head made it so hard.
"What shit is Coach talking now?" he asked as he reached our circle.
"I was saying little Hemmings over here might take your spot if you don't get your crap together," Coach repeated, looking over to Ashton beside him.
"You get hurt once, Auni shows you up, and all a sudden you're losing your place," Ashton joked. "I see how it is."
"Good, cause that might be how it stays. At least she doesn't talk back to me," Coach laughed.
The whole circle slowly broke into laughter, Coach rounding us back up to finish off his talk. I listened closely to everything he said, noting what we needed to work on but I couldn't help it when my eyes fell to Ashton.
He was already looking at me when I looked over, a smirk on his face before he mouthed words to me- "I'm proud of you."