As Emily and JJ walked through the quad, the light filtered down through the branches from the golden lamps, casting a dim yellow light onto them. JJ's hands were tucked into her jacket partially for the warmth her pockets offered, but also to keep herself from nervously wringing them as she glanced over at Emily.
Instead of running away from JJ, slamming the door and avoiding the confrontation, Emily asked JJ to go for a walk. Both girls wordlessly grabbed their coats and walked out into the night with tension buzzing between them.
JJ knew she fucked up. She was terrified that this was the end, that she had broken what was between them forever.
In a panic that afternoon, JJ had walked all the way to the grocery store and picked up all the ingredients for homemade cookies. She hadn't baked in ages, and hoped she could trust herself not to screw them up.
Cookies were important, JJ decided. They were the topic of their first conversation, all those weeks ago. Perhaps they could serve as a peace offering.
It took JJ almost an hour to work up the courage to knock on Emily's door. She knew that she was home, as she heard Derek leave her room earlier that evening. Not that she was eavesdropping, the walls were just thin.
JJ had sat on the floor in front of the door with her cookies in her lap talking herself up for the conversation.
It wasn't just talking to the girl she liked, it was apologizing profusely for her behaviour. Not just ignoring her texts, not just for ending things before they got a chance to start, but for doing that and then going out and hooking up with someone else.
JJ's regret was painted bright red on her neck, in bold hickies that lingered for days after her drunken hookup with Elle. The next morning, Penelope calmly helped JJ cover them up, but no matter how much foundation she smeared onto her pale skin, the welts remained visible.
The anger on Emily's face was enough to send JJ into a spiral that was only somewhat halted by the comforting presence of Penelope Garcia, though her kind demeanour could only go so far to assuage JJ's immense guilt.
She remembered that night, almost two months ago, when JJ had burst into their dorm's kitchen with a mug in her hands, feeling absolutely devastated. She remembered telling Emily about her boyfriend. She remembered Emily's words: "What really matters is if you enjoy spending time with him."
When she had said that, JJ had been forced to realize that her answer was no. But, with Emily, it was a resounding yes. JJ enjoyed spending time with Emily. So much that it hurt to be apart.
JJ missed Emily with every fibre of her being. She missed her laugh, the way Emily looked at JJ through her lashes, and the way their hands fit together perfectly. JJ missed the comfortable silence between them and the times they talked for hours, conversations blending together so much that she couldn't tell where one ended and the next began.
She walked awkwardly, staring at the ground, unsure of what she was supposed to say. She wanted Emily to scream, and yell, and beg JJ to explain what the fuck was going on. She wanted to beg for her forgiveness. She wanted to be cussed out. She wanted anything but this awkward silence between them.
"I'm sorry," JJ said, making the first move. "I'm so sorry."
Emily remained silent.
"It's no excuse but when I got home, on Thanksgiving, I found out my dad had left us," JJ began to explain. "He just up and left."
JJ began to seethe as her heartbreak over his decision had turned to anger.
"And I was left in this empty house with my mom. I just felt so unbearably alone."
"And you didn't even talk to me?" Emily said, looking at the ground with her hands tucked into her pockets.
"I didn't want to bother you," JJ admitted. "I guess I just want everyone to think of me as the put together one. The mom friend. The athlete with everything sorted out instead of the disaster that I actually am."
JJ gulped.
"I didn't want to lie to you and say everything was fine when it wasn't," JJ said, "And I made it worse by saying nothing at all."
"Yeah."
"I hurt people, Emily," JJ said as she stopped walking and turned to Emily. "No matter what I do. I wasn't enough to keep my sister alive. I wasn't enough to keep my dad around. I even pushed Will away because I got bored of him. I'm not good enough for you. I thought pushing you away would be better for you in the end, before I got a chance to hurt you."
"Shut up," Emily whispered. JJ's jaw dropped.
"Wha–"
"Shut up!" Emily repeated, louder this time. "Jennifer Jareau, you do not have the right to make that decision for me."
Emily looked up from the ground, and rage flared in her eyes.
" I get to decide whether I'm willing to take the risk on you!" Emily almost yelled. "JJ, you didn't even give me the chance."
Emily's hands were balled in fists on either side of her, her breaths came out in clouds in the cold air. By the end of her sentence, her voice cracked.
" I thought I did something wrong," Emily said, softly this time. "I thought it was me who fucked this up. I spent all this time trying to figure out what I had done to you that made you run from me."
"Emily, you didn't do anything wrong," JJ said.
"And anyways, all of that other stuff isn't your fault," Emily said. "And I think you know that. I'm so sorry about your sister, but it was not your fault. And the same with your dad. It's never the child's fault. You can't control what he does when you're going to college four hundred miles away."
Emily's hand moved to her mouth and she began to gnaw at a thumb nail. JJ was stunned silent. She hadn't thought about it that way.
"You are not required to be the only thing keeping your family together, or even a relationship. If you put all of that responsibility onto yourself, you're going to collapse under the weight."
JJ gulped.
"I learned early on that I couldn't be the only one keeping the peace between my mother and I," Emily said, "It was too hard. I mean, I went the completely opposite way and probably made our relationship worse. But JJ, not everything is your responsibility. You were just a kid when your sister died. Hell, you're still just a kid. Give yourself a break."
By the end of her speech, Emily just looked tired, her eyes softening and looking into JJ's. The blonde didn't know what to say. She stood for a moment, processing Emily's words.
"Why didn't you just tell me?" Emily demanded after a pause.
JJ shook her head.
"I'm good at running from my problems," JJ admitted. She looked down at her shoes and kicked a pebble, not meeting Emily's eyes. "I'm not really used to letting anyone help me with them."
"Stop running from me, JJ."
JJ gulped.
"I don't know how."
JJ's big blue eyes met Emily's deep brown. A moment passed. It began to snow, at first it was one or two white specks floating through the air, then all at once large, thick flakes fell from the heavens.
"Just... talk to me," Emily said, her face softening.
JJ nodded, almost desperately.
"I'm so sorry," she said again, tucking her blonde hair behind her ears.
"I... I get nervous when people ignore me," Emily admitted. "I really thought this was all my fault."
"You? No!" JJ exclaimed. "It was never you. You're perfect-"
She said it before she thought about her words. She stuttered for an instant. She had just looked Emily in the eyes and called her perfect. Well, JJ thought, there's no going back now!
"I like you, Emily," JJ admitted. "I like you so much that I don't know what to do with myself. And I'm so sorry for what I did. I should have told you what was going on."
They had come to a stop next to a fountain in the park, the rush of water breaking the calm silence of the campus at night.
"I want to do this right," JJ managed. "I've already almost fucked this up. I just don't know how."
"I don't know either. We'll figure it out together."
"Okay," JJ whispered, turning to face Emily, looking deep into her eyes. "Together."
Relief spread through JJ's chest as she watched a small smile creep onto Emily's face.
Emily sat down on the edge of the fountain, tucking her long coat under her. JJ sat down next to her. Together they looked out into the dim park, lit intermittently by lamps. Around the fountain were some new saplings, all wrapped in an array of Christmas lights in anticipation of the holiday.
JJ watched the large snowflakes dance through the sky. The snowfall was overdue, as it was late in November and it usually had snowed here by now.
She took a moment to process what Emily had said to her. Maybe JJ had held that weight on her shoulders for too long.
JJ glanced over at Emily, admiring the stunning woman in profile. She knew if she moved her thigh slightly she would be able to touch it to Emily's. Warmth radiated off of Emily, and JJ longed to lean into her, but was still a bit nervous around her.
"I missed you," Emily said, still not looking at JJ.
"I missed you, too," JJ replied. Emily leaned over, bumping their shoulders together lightly. "I'll never push you away, again."
With that, Emily's bare hand emerged from her pocket and moved to rest on JJ's thigh, palm-up in a gesture that asked JJ to hold her hand. JJ placed her hand in Emily's and squeezed. A wave of relief passed through her body.
"I do need a few more cookies to fully heal," Emily joked, "Were those homemade?"
JJ laughed, nodding eagerly at Emily.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Anything."
A pause.
"Can I kiss you?" JJ asked.
"I thought you would never ask," Emily said with a shy smile.
JJ lifted her chin up as Emily leaned in to close the distance. Their cold lips touched chastely at first, before their passion overtook them and the kiss deepened.
Gasping for breath, the two girls crashed together over and over in a frenzied kiss as snow swirled around them. JJ's strong arms wrapped around Emily's waist, while Emily's hands ran through JJ's long hair.
They kissed until both girls were shivering from the cold. JJ pulled back and gazed upon Emily's raven black hair that was covered in snow and her pale skin flushed from the cold. She was beautiful. JJ kissed her again, this time it was tender and soft, as a rush of affection for Emily was filling her heart to the brim. JJ's hands were caressing Emily's cheeks, pulling the other girl ever closer.
They pulled apart, staring at each other in stunned silence.
"As much as I love this," Emily said, "I think I might have hypothermia."
"I can warm you up," JJ said with a smirk. "Let's go home."
Hand in hand they returned to their dorm, chatting and filling the silence of the calm winter night. They had much to catch up on: JJ's story of Derek and Spencer's short-lived prank war and Emily having to talk Hotch down after he accidentally dyed all of his bright white sheets red because of a stray sock, at least to start with.
As they walked back into their residence, JJ let out a sigh of relief. Emily glanced back at her nervously as JJ ran her thumb across the back of her hand. JJ smiled back at her, trying to act reassuring,
"I won't run from you again," JJ said. "Pinky swear."
Emily blinked at her, still looking hesitant. JJ reached out and grabbed Emily's other hand, looping her pinky into hers and holding on tight.
They looked into each other's eyes for one second, then two, before letting their arms drop to their sides. Emily smiled at JJ.
After a third, very handsy kiss, they lingered in the hall for longer than they should have, whispering back and forth as their conversation moved from one topic to the next. They went on undisturbed until a door down the hall opened and closed, and someone emerged out of their RA, Erin Strauss' room. As the person turned to face them, JJ immediately recognized him.
"Rossi?" JJ stage whispered in shock at the implications of his presence in their RA's room.
He stopped in his tracks, widening his eyes as he took in the two flushed girls standing in the hall: Emily in her pyjamas with her hair wet from the snow, and JJ suddenly feeling slightly blushy at the unexpected familiar face.
"You saw nothing," he said in a firm tone, pointing at them for emphasis.
They nodded, and after he left through the side door, both went to their own separate beds.
JJ grinned as she quietly closed the door to her room, hoping that she wouldn't wake Penelope, who was already asleep in her bed.
She stood for a second, revelling in what had happened. She hadn't expected Emily to even give her the time of day after what she had done, let alone forgive her.
JJ closed her eyes, picturing Emily standing in the snow, her eyes trained on JJ looking at her with something unexpected... something JJ hadn't seen before. The blonde bit her lip and tiptoed across her room, feeling absolutely elated.
She then collapsed into her bed and clutched her necklace as she looked up to a photo of Ros. She was still nervous that Emily hadn't fully forgiven her yet; perhaps JJ didn't deserve her forgiveness. All she could do was try to earn it.
"I'll do better," JJ whispered to herself, or to Ros, or to the universe—she wasn't quite sure. "I won't run away anymore."