Saturday, October 31st- 9:47 p.m.
| Stalemate |
When the player to move isn't in check, but none of his pieces can move; a form of a draw
—-
My hands fell from my hair to my mouth back to my sides in one fast moment of disbelief. I slowly stepped back, preparing to book it for the stairs.
Ashton quickly started towards me, words falling from his mouth but I could only hear the loud ringing in my ears. My whole world moved in slow motion, my heart beating rapidly in my chest being the only thing tying me to reality.
I watched as he turned to yell something back at the girl who had kissed him, her lips pulling into a devilish smirk as I stepped farther back again.
I turned for the stairs, wanted away from this situation as fast as I could. I slowly fell back to reality as my shoes clicking against the wood stairs filled my ears. I could never go downstairs in any sort of heel, but in this moment, I couldn't slow down.
"Auni, please, just listen to me," I heard him plead as he followed me down the stairs behind me. "I need you to listen to me."
The sound of his voice and the lie that had just fallen from his lips turned my blood hot. The wave of sadness disappeared as my body rushed with anger. I continued my quick pace, feeling the tears that were previously in my eyes disappear and the tightness in my chest grow with my frustration. I stopped briefly at the bottom of the steps, trying to decide the fastest route away from him.
I had no plan, I simply wanted away from him.
I turned the way with the least amount of people, knowing it all wrapped back around at some point. I went as fast as my legs would let me, no end destination in sight.
I pushed past the bodies surrounding me. Ashton's voice fell silent to my ears as he continued to plea, but I heard none of it.
I knew I should have never trusted him- he'd just proved that. He'd just ruined us.
With anger flooding my veins and subconscious mind, I fell to revenge. I plowed through the kitchen with no plan as to how to get it- until my eyes fell to Mikey. The world fell back in place around me as sounds began to register in my mind again, including Ashton's voice.
I knew he was close behind, and I was about to use it to my advantage.
With nothing but the picture of his lips on another girl's in my head, I pushed through the throng of people. "Mikey," I called as Ashton trailed close behind.
He slowly spun around to face me, his glance immediately recognizing the anger in my body language. He didn't get time to question my actions before my hand reached for his cheek and I pushed to my toes, matching my lips to his like Ashton had to that girl just minutes earlier.
Mikey didn't react, but kissed me back as if I was any other girl. I pushed deeper, knowing Ashton was watching from just a few feet away.
My anger didn't fade. In fact, it only continued to grow as I realized that this kiss was doing nothing to me. I knew Mikey meant nothing to me when I'd called to him from across the room, but it was driving me mad that I couldn't get Ashton out of my head.
All I could think of was how much I wish Mikey was Ashton, and how much I wished he could feel the same pain I do right now.
I pulled back after I knew I'd proved my point to Ashton, opening my eyes again to the silent room around me. Mikey stood in complete shock, holding his hands up in surrender as if he'd seen Ashton behind me before I'd kissed him. His shock quickly wore off as he laughed to himself, smirking lightly at what he'd just received.
I smirked back at him, starting to look to everyone else's expression before a hand grabbed my wrist. I immediately pulled back, fighting the strong grip as dangerous memories filled my brain. My glance flew to the hand on my arm, following up to meet his face.
At my expression, Ashton's grip loosened lightly before taking a grounding breath. He looked beyond pissed- exactly what I wanted. His glance fell to Mikey, and I watched as Mikey backed away in defense.
Ash's glance quickly fell back to me. "You're coming with me," he stated, giving me no choice in the matter.
He started to pull me away from the scene i'd just made, but I fought his grip. "No, I'm not," I planted my feet when I couldn't get my arm free.
Ash stopped in his tracks, turning back to face me as he spoke through clenched teeth. "Either you come with me, or I beat the shit out of Mikey. Pick your poison."
"Let go of me," I immediately shot back, ignoring his words. I stared back at him, seeing the obvious red behind his eyes. His blood was boiling too. I smirked, knowing I'd got exactly what I'd wanted from him. At my change in expression, he dropped my arm.
"You better fucking follow me," he instructed, turning back the way we came.
I didn't fight it this time. I followed willingly as I laughed to myself at the mess we were in.
"We should do that again sometime," Mikey called after me. I watched as Ashton turned around to fight him like he'd originally planned, but I quickly blocked him with my body.
"Keep walking," I told him, throwing up a middle finger over my shoulder to Mikey. "If you want to talk to me, you're gonna keep walking."
I walked past him, giving him the option to pick me or his masculinity. I continued walking as I listened to him fight himself internally. Eventually, I heard his footsteps finally approach behind me.
I stopped, turning back to face him as I held onto the anger he'd instilled in me.
"I'll give you five minutes and then I'm leaving," I told him as he finally reached me. "If you can't convince me that tonight was one huge misunderstanding in those five minutes, I'm leaving and never coming back."
"Okay," he started. "Then you're gonna have to listen to me for a moment. You know I'd never hurt you."
"How the hell am I supposed to know that now?" I snapped back, keeping my arms crossed over my chest.
He frantically looked around as he realized this would be harder than he thought, pushing me through a doorway before slamming it behind him. He stood with his back against my only exit, refusing to let me out so I'd be forced to talk to him longer.
"Angel, pleas-"
"Don't call me that," I yelled back, turning to face away from him as I tried to calm my mind. My anger was fading, the original sadness pulling back through.
"No, please, don't do this," he begged, slowly standing up from where he had leaned. "Don't pull away, Auni. Please just listen to me!"
"What the fuck am I supposed to listen to Ashton?" I screamed back, spinning around in my spot to put distance between us. "I can't trust a single thing you say right now!"
"And how the hell am I supposed to trust you?" he snapped back. "You just kissed one of my friends, for what, revenge? Revenge for something you didn't even give me a second to explain?"
"You told me you would never hurt me!" I yelled back. "You promised! And you just broke it! It doesn't matter what your explanation is! Watching you kiss another girl hurts! You lied! How the hell am I supposed to trust anything you say right now!"
"Cause I'm still trying to hold onto that promise! I want to explain it to you so you can trust me still," he yelled back. "Cause there is an explanation, but per usual, you don't want to hear it."
I felt as I lost control of my breathing, both in anger, fear, and sadness. I was spiraling into a panic attack, even if I didn't want to admit it. I hadn't had one in so long- since he'd locked me in the chemicals closet was the last one I could remember.
I couldn't even think straight enough to remember how to help myself.
"It was fucking a setup!" he tried to explain. My mind couldn't hear a word of it as everything came crumbling down around me.
"Andrew knew I was in there so he sent in that girl to pretend she was drunk and throw herself on me. And then he went down to you and told you I was up there with a girl, didn't he?" Ashton continued explaining it. "He knew how to get you to go up there, and as soon as she heard your heels clicking, she threw herself on me. I tried to get her out that whole time but she pretended she was too drunk to stand!"
"I can't-" I started trying to explain my panicked state. "I can't breathe, Ashton."
I finally stuttered out a coherent sentence, spinning around to face him as all the walls around me felt like they were closing in.
"I can't- breathe!" I yelled again, my hand falling to my chest as the pain from earlier rose. He stepped up closer to me, keeping enough distance so I didn't pull away more.
"Okay, stay with me, Ang- I mean, Auni," he caught himself. "I need you to stay with me, okay?"
His voice was soft as my panic rose, trying to help calm me down. His anger had vanished when he noticed my distress. He was putting our differences aside to help me in this moment.
"Okay, Auni. 5 things you can see," he named off the start to my strategy to stop panic attacks. "I'll name one and then you do."
I started looking around, wanting to calm myself in any way so I could get air into my lungs before I passed out. The walls were covered in books, a desk in the far corner, a large window across the wall behind me. I think we were in a study?
"Uh, I see the chair, behind the desk," he started rattling random things off. "Now you."
"The- the books," I forced out, pointing to the shelves across the walls.
"Okay, good. That's my girl. Keep going," he pushed me to continue. "The lamp- that's three. You're next."
"The- uh- the pencils in- in the cup," I stuttered out, pointing to the desk.
"That's four, okay," he nodded. "I see the rug- that's five. Now four things you feel."
I felt myself get progressively worse as I thought about how I felt in that moment. I was overflowing with internal emotions that I couldn't even feel anything physically
"I can feel the tie, around my neck," he offered up first, waiting quietly for mine. "Your turn. One thing you can feel."
"I-" I started stuttering out, losing myself in my emotional overload as everything flooded back to me- if Ash wasn't lying, if I had been a set up, I'd just given in to my anger to do the one thing I knew would hurt him most. I'd just made myself the villain.
"Come on, Angel. You got it," he encouraged, still keeping his distance from me even if he ripped his heart to shreds in the process. "Something you can feel."
"I feel," I kept trying to push it out through staggered breaths, feeling myself get worse with each one.
"That's it, keep going," he kept encouraging, trying to help me through this even after what I'd done to him.
"Suffocated!" I finally yelled out, snapping into anger over sadness. "I feel fucking suffocated! everything around me-" I had to stop for a moment to drag in a desperate breath. "It's crumbling and I can't stop it!"
"Auni, no, please. Listen to me," he begged, trying to step closer.
"No, don't come near me," I told him, pushing him away. "The closer you get the worse it gets."
"Angel, please, trust me on this," he begged again, stepping back like I'd asked. I could hear how broken he was in his voice.
"Trust you! How the hell am I supposed to trust you after that, Ashton? You just broke every ounce of trust I'd ever given you!" I yelled back, my airways finally allowing air through as my mind started speaking its truth like it had been begging since I first saw his lips on hers.
"I surrendered my everything to you last night cause you made me believe you're mine," I yelled again, my anger rising with each word. "And you just shattered that all! Why the hell would I ever trust you again?"
"Because I fucking lo-"
"Don't you dare say it!" I stopped him, feeling the tears prick in my eyes. "Don't you dare fucking say it! Every person who has ever loved me, hurts me. I refuse to add you to that list. You're not allowed to love me!"
"Auni, I've loved you since the day I saw you!" he yelled back. "I loved you when we were twelve and I love you right now!"
"No, you're not allowed to! All you're doing right now is hurting me. You're not allowed to love me," I frustratingly yelled back through tears.
"I never wanted to hurt you, Auni, so I ignored it for years on end but I can't ignore it anymore," he admitted, standing just feet in front of me.
"No, you're lying! You're making sure it sounds so sweet as you lie to me!" I yelled back again, knowing it would hurt so much less if he was.
If he was lying and he never loved me, he wouldn't have to be tacked onto the list of people who destroyed my idea of love. If he was lying, it wouldn't hurt anywhere near as much as it did right now.
"I wish I was! It would have made my life so much easier, but I'm not," he continued confessing. "I never believed in love because I had fallen in love with you, and all I caused you was pain! I couldn't have you and when I did, all I caused was pain for you. It destroyed any concept of love I thought I had. And then I had you, and I fell even deeper and now I can't get out! I've loved you since I met you and I'm going to love you till the day we die!"
"God, stop, please!" I begged, my hands falling to my hair as my tears streamed down my face. "All you're doing is pushing!"
"Cause you're pulling away!" he yelled back.
"I keep trying to give to you and all you do is take!" I added on, all my pain flooding out at once.
"Cause you're practically running away from me!" he yelled back.
"Because all you want is the chase! And I can't stand the idea of you catching me right now!" I called back, sinking into myself as my world fell apart around me. I fell back against the wall behind me, using it for support as I tried to catch my breath.
"Luke warned me to stay away from you," I whispered through the piercing silence in the room. "Now I know why."
"No, Auni, please don't say that!" he begged as he stepped closer again. I quickly pulled back, reminding him how much I hated the idea of him being near me right now.
Everything about him was different. I couldn't trust anything he said or did. What if his touch was all a lie too? The trust he made me think he was giving me was. Anything could be a lie- everything could be a lie.
I slid down the wall behind me, pulling my knees to my chest as I focused on evening out my breathing pattern. I placed my head between my knees, closing my eyes as I matched my inhales and exhales to the beat of my favorite song.
"Please, Auni. just listen to me on one thing," he begged again, crouching down in front of me to be on my same level. I could feel his presence in front of me, but I held still. "You can never trust me again and forget any moment you trusted me in the past, but believe me when I say it was a setup. I would never hurt you."
"Then why am I in so much pain right now?" I whispered into the silence, bringing my glance up to his. I watched the tear slip down his cheek from our close proximity.
"Please, Auni. Just believe me. I didn't want to hurt you," he pleaded through choked tears. "I never want to hurt you."
"When you're looking at those strangers, I hope to god you see my face," I whispered back to him, keeping my distance as I wrapped tighter into myself. "Just so for one moment you can feel the pain I do right now."
"Auni, please. No," he begged again, moving towards the wall across from me. He sat with his back against it, keeping distance between us, just like I had asked. "You know how broken I am. You're the only thing holding me together."
"Yeah, and right now you're what's ripping me apart," I whispered back through the tears. "Don't try to guilt-trip me into staying."
The room fell silent. We stayed just feet apart, neither of us looking at the other as everything fell apart around us.
I'd buried my head in my hands when the door flew open. In walked Luke and Calum, their faces shocked as they tried to observe the situation.
Ash and I sat on the far corner of the room, tears streaming down our faces after I'm sure they listened to screaming from the outside. I couldn't bring myself to look at either of them, rather falling to Andrew walking through the doorway behind.
He had a cynical smirk on his face as he reached the threshold, Ashton's eyes immediately falling to him.
"What the fuck did you do?" Ash yelled as he stood up and started towards him.
Andrew held up his hands in defense, only egging on Ashton farther and he got closer. His first connected with Andrew's cheek before any of us could catch up to what was happening. I immediately stood up, hating how concerned I was for Ash's health with his mental state.
He would either go until he killed Andrew or until Andrew killed him.
Luke and Calum each caught up quickly, one of them flying to each person to hold them back.
"You fucking set me up!" Ashton gritted through his teeth, trying to yank out of Luke's arms as he held him back from attacking Andrew again.
"What the hell is going on?" Luke interrupted, looking between them both for an explanation.
"He fucking set me up!" Ashton yelled again. "He got a girl to come into my room and pretend she was drunk and throw herself on me. Then he went down and told Auni I was with a girl so she'd go up, and as soon as she got there, that girl would kiss me so Auni saw."
Luke's head immediately flew to Andrew, all of them in shock as Andrew continued to smile.
"It was a game all along, wasn't it, Ashton?" he asked with a cynical smile.
"No, it was never a fucking game!" Ashton yelled back, trying to rip free from Luke who held him still.
"You're just not the most dangerous piece in play anymore, Ashton, are you?" he continued pushing him, asking for his face to get beat in.
"It's not a game to me!" he yelled again. "But she's made every right move and you just wiped our board clean!"
Andrew just laughed, not pushing against Calum to get at Ashton like Ash was on Luke. "Get over it, Irwin. You loose. What does it matter now?"
"I fucking love her!" Ash yelled before he could stop himself. "And you just ruined everything we'd built."
"What did you just say?" Luke asked, completely dumbfounded.
"I said I love her," Ashton repeated, falling from anger to sadness as he stopped fighting Luke. "And Andrew just ruined everything cause she's never going to be able to trust me now."
Luke let go of Ashton as he stepped back towards me, seeming calmer than he had been before. His eyes fell to me and I could see how absolutely destroyed he looked.
"The one thing she couldn't do was trust me," he spoke, softer. He'd fallen to that authentic green, even with the team around. His mask had fallen to the ground, but he didn't care to pick it up anymore.
"Ya know why she couldn't in the first place?" Ash spoke to the group behind him, but looked to me. "Cause you.." he started, turning back towards Andrew. "..tried to fucking rape her."
He ran at Andrew, his shoulder ramming into his stomach as he pushed Andrew out through the doorway before Luke or Calum could intervene. He threw him back out into the open living room, throwing as many punches as he could before Luke and Calum both pulled him off.
Andrew stood up with a bloody face, just in view through the doorway as I stood frozen in the middle of the room.
"You're a fucking hypocrite, Irwin. You know that?" Andrew spat back, wiping his hand across his chin to rid of the blood. "It was always a fuckin-"
"No! It never was," Ashton's voice rose through the room. "It was never a fucking game, Wallace! It was an excuse! And I've been trying to take it back since the day it started."
"Life doesn't work that easy," Andrew snickered back.
"You think I don't fucking know that!" he yelled again, obviously the only one in that group truly angry. "You just set me up and ruined everything! My whole world is crashing right now."
"You did it to yourself," Andrew commented back.
"It doesn't mean it hurts any less," Ashton finally calmed, pulling away from Luke and Calum to walk back towards me.
I felt myself completely break down, wanting to hold on to that last little bit of hope that I could trust him again. Everything was collapsing around me. I was spinning out of control. I broke down in tears, and not the kind that comes with an anxiety attack. They were genuine tears as everything inside me shattered, and all I wanted was his touch.
Ashton immediately noticed, wrapping me into his arms before I had time to fight him off. He slowly collapsed to the ground with me, holding me as fell apart again. His touch didn't help me like it used to. He felt different- we felt different.
"I never wanted to hurt you, Auni," he whispered into my hair, fighting back tears. "I can promise you that."
Everything about that moment felt different. His touch no longer put out the fire, it burned every inch of skin he came in contact with. Everything about him felt different. Like every promise he had ever made to me meant nothing because in this moment, he had shattered his promise not to hurt me. But I didn't have the strength left in me to fight him, rather I collapsed in his arms and savored every moment in fear this was the last time I would be able to.
It took so much of me and my brainpower to let myself trust him in the first place. It was a battle every step of the way, and now all of that had been destroyed.
Maybe it was a setup... but what if it wasn't? He never took girls in there. What if he was starting now? What if I hadn't walked in? Would he have kept going? Would I have walked into worse if I'd walked in ten minutes later?
His word meant nothing at this point. Maybe he was telling the truth but my mind was so overloaded that I couldn't even think straight anymore.
"I knew I needed to hate you."