Friday, October 30th- 11:38 p.m.
I felt light-headed from all the energy that had just been drained from me, slowly stumbling back over towards Ashton after. He was leaned into the shower, adjusting the water temp.
He turned to look at me, holding out his hands to invite me closer. "Come here, Angel. You're okay."
I whined as I walked closer to him, watching as he stepped back into the water, pulling me along with him. I stood right outside the shower door, humming out a tired moan to show my objection. "Ash, I can't go again," I shook my head, slowly giving in and stepping inside. "I'm so tired."
"I know you are," he whispered back, pulling me into him under the water. "That's why you're gonna let me take care of my pretty girl after you were so good for me."
I hummed along, not having the energy to fight back. I stood under the warm water, finding so much comfort in this peaceful moment. He pulled me into him, using his back to shield me from the water. I used him for support to keep me standing, realizing just how drained I truly was.
"It's okay, Angel," he whispered to me, his hand running through my hair to support me emotionally while physically holding me up. "I've got you."
He slowly turned me so I was under the water, carefully leaning my head back to wet all my hair. He turned around to grab the bottle of shampoo, putting some in his hands before carefully bringing it to my head. He scrubbed lightly at my scalp, cleaning up the mess he had made. He made sure to keep it out of my eyes, turning my head slowly as he washed it out.
I smiled lightly at his action, watching how his tongue pushed against his lower lip in focus. He didn't look down on me, rather remaining focused on keeping me safe from his shampoo.
"You really don't have to," I finally spoke up, reaching my hands up to help him.
"Let me take care of you, Angel," he commented back, vetoing my offer to help. "This is my way of showing how much I l- care about you."
"What do you mean?" I cocked an eyebrow, feeling how his hands fell from my hair, getting more shampoo to scrub his own.
"Your love language is touch," he started explaining, leaning his head under the water as I stepped out of the way. "You don't know how to communicate how you're feelings verbally or acts or anything like that, you default to touch."
I cocked my head at him, trying to figure out what he meant. He stepped back up to me with conditioner in hand, running it through my hair as I turned my back to face him.
"You didn't know how to explain you trusted me other than physically, so you completely gave yourself up to me," he explained to me, my eyes fluttering closed as he did. "It's not a bad thing. There are five love languages and yours is touch. You explain everything better through physical connection than words."
"What's yours then?" I asked, turning back to face him when his hands fell from my hair.
"I don't know. I think it's a mix of a few," he told me as he rubbed conditioner through his hair. "I think it's a mix of acts of service and words of affirmation?"
I titled my head to the side again, wanting him to continue so I could fully understand.
"I explain how I feel to you through things like this," he explained, looking back up to me. "I show how much I care by recognizing how tired you are and taking care of you. It's an act of service."
I nodded, starting to wrap my head around what he was saying.
"And I tell you constantly how much I care through little words you might not catch," he continued explaining, stepping me back under the water to wash out my hair. "like Angel, and Auni, and saying I'm proud of you and that you're doing so good. They're all showing my affection."
I smiled lightly to myself with my eyes closed for the water, soaking up every part of this moment.
"Why do you call me Angel then?" I whispered back, stepping out from under the water as he stepped back in to wash out his own hair.
"Because I was the devil reincarnated," he started, stopping so he could look back over to me for the next part. "And you were the only light in my life."
I bit my cheek, smiling at his words. He stepped back again, pumping body wash into his hands before stepping back up to me. He turned me in his arms, using his hands to slowly rub the soap across my bare skin.
"You were an angel sent from heaven to save me, Auni, and that's exactly what you did," he continued explaining in my ear, his hands roaming every inch of me with soap.
"You saved yourself," I commented back, my head lolling back onto his shoulder at the comfort he was giving me. "I was just here for motivation."
"You're so much more than motivation to me," he replied back, spinning me around in his arms so his hands could travel across my back. "Never forget that."
I nodded to him, reaching for body wash too. With some in my hands, I traveled up his chest, carefully scrubbing him clean as I went just like he had me.
"The whole world could be collapsing around me and I would only care that you're okay."
I bit my lip and let my head fall into his chest, not knowing what to say.
"You're my world, Angel. You're the only thing I'd care about if everything was crashing down around me," he continued, his arms stopping their movements as he wrapped me tight into a hug. I practically collapsed into his arms, being physically exhausted from earlier and now emotionally exhausted listen to his words.
It was in moments like that I wished my love language was words too, that way I could explain it all to you.
"Why did you call me princess then?" I asked, my head against his chest. "I know you said about the 'princess's are pointless' but what did that mean?"
He took a deep breath, refusing to let me go. "The day I have to explain that to you, my world will be crashing down around me."
I furrowed my brow against him, confused as to what that meant.
"Just remember if it ever comes to that- all I care about is you and if you're okay," he reassured me, kissing the top of my head.
He stepped back after a moment, continuing to support me as he scrubbed me clean of soap, then himself. He shut off the water when we were each clean, helping me step out. He used a towel to dry me off, refusing my offer to help. He dried himself quickly, turning to the pile of clothes on the counter, picking out the shirt I'd taken earlier and my panties he'd thrown to the floor.
He quickly stepped into his boxers before picking up the shirt. He walked over towards me, holding it out for me to put my arms through. He helped it down over my head, pulling my damp hair out from under it once it was on. He then turned back and grabbed the panties he's stripped off my body just hours earlier. He held them out as he crouched down for me to step into them.
It made me laugh a bit, knowing I wasn't that tired, but I also now knew that this was his way of showing how much he cared. It was his only method to communicate it to me.
I stepped in carefully, watching as he stood back up to my height, letting them sit carefully against my hips under the oversized shirt. He kissed me lightly once, and not one fueled with burn or cravings. It was filled with care and protection, translating my feelings back to him at the touch.
He smiled into it before pulling back, turning around to grab the other pair of shorts off the counter, pulling them on himself. He held out his hand behind him, inviting me to follow close. I took it carefully, following quietly as he led the way out of the bathroom.
He took me to the kitchen first, leading me around everywhere he'd went, using one hand to perform all the tasks he was trying to do so he wouldn't have to break away from me. Eventually, he lifted me up onto the counter, stepping away with a small mason jar in hand, filling it with water before bringing it back to me.
"You need to drink something so you don't get lightheaded," he told me as I took the glass, bringing it to my mouth like he'd told me.
He stepped around the counter, kneeling down to one of the bags he'd brought in, digging through it. I heard the sound of something rattling around, making me lean over the edge to look at what he was doing.
"You hungry?" he asked as my head appeared above the edge of the counter.
"Don't we remember how the last time you trying to cook went?" I laughed back, sitting back up as he stood up.
"Well, one thing I can cook is mac and cheese," he informed me, setting a box down on the counter. "Take it or leave it."
I laughed at him, nodding along. "I'm okay, but I'll supervise you so you don't burn the water."
"Auni, you have to eat something so you don't stay this drained," he told me, pushing me to agree to eat something. "I don't want you to get hurt."
"Okay," I nodded back, not wanting to fight him on it. Plus mac and cheese sounded nice. He turned back around to what he was originally planning on doing before he spun back to me.
"Wait, you can burn water?" he pulled my attention, completely dumbfounded at the new discovery. He looked like he'd just learned his whole life was a lie, making me laugh more.
"No, you can't," I told him from my seat on the counter. "But I'm sure you'd find a way."
"Ya know, I liked it better when you were underneath me and too scared to say any of your snarky comments," he told me, carrying his box of pasta around with him as he found a pan.
"I'm sure you did," I commented back, knowing I was making the exact snarky comments he was talking about. I brought the mason jar to my lips, drinking more of the water as he spun around to face me, his expression in disbelief as I did exactly what he was talking about.
I shrugged my shoulders, scooting back farther to cross my legs beneath myself. He filled the pan with water, setting it on the stove to boil before opening the noodle box. In that moment, I realized it was only a box of pasta, not mac and cheese.
"How are you making mac and cheese without the cheese?" I laughed, pointing towards his box and he pulled out noodles into his hands.
"You'll find out, now won't you?" he commented as he faced the stove, eating one of the raw noodles as he waited.
"Did you just eat an uncooked noodle?" I cocked my head as he spun around to face me, more cupped in his hand as he chewed.
"Yeah, and you don't?" he asked back, confused as to what I was getting at.
"Who eats uncooked noodles?" I laughed back, still confused how he found it so normal.
"Me," he quietly responded, eating another.
I shook my head at him as he walked over to me. "Try one," he held his hand out to me. "You can't bash me for it until you've tried one."
"Yeah, but they're like..." I said timidly, reaching out to take one from him. "...hard."
"Yeah, and so is my dick. Eat it," he commented back, his personality officially back in full swing.
I shook my head at his words, bringing the noodle to my mouth. Per my expectation, it was rock solid, making me confused as to what the point was.
"You have to bite it," he explained, laughing as he watched me.
"Yeah, but it's gonna hurt my teeth. Don't you think?" I asked back quietly, not enjoying this at all.
"You have a pain kink. You'll be fine," he snarked back again, grabbing more from the box for himself.
"I'm gonna slap you," I commented back. "Like really hard."
"Oh, so she's a switch now?" he said back. He was finding so much humor in this stupid situation, and I couldn't help but laugh, even if he was driving me insane.
"Better watch yourself or you'll never find out," I commented back, finally biting through the noodle I had been holding in my cheek. I didn't understand what was so fun about it. It didn't feel nice to bite it and it carried no flavor, but he thought it was quite entertaining.
"Nah, my money's on you being a bottom," he said back, leaning back against the counter across from me.
I continued chewing the flavorless object, tilting my head and furrowing my brow to get him to continue.
"You're strong and independent in life but you need a place to stop that pressure and responsibility for one moment. You choese the bedroom," he laid it out for me, making me choke a bit as I realized how much he truly did understand me.
I mainly coughed from the piece of noodle that got stuck in my throat, but Ashton found it quite comical because of my timing. I took a drink of my water, unlodging the noodle in my throat, shaking my head at Ashton across the room.
"You're gonna look at me and you're gonna try to tell me I'm wrong?" he asked, standing by what he said. "I know my girl."
I shook my head again, noting to myself how he'd started to refer to me as his girl just like I did with my ash.
"Your water's boiling," I pointed towards the pan, distracting him from the conversation he'd gotten me sucked into.
He turned to it, pouring in the noodles as I stared down at my fingers, picking at my cuticles from a nervous habit. He turned back to me, walking over as he noticed what I was doing. He used his hands to stop me, making me look up to him.
"Don't do that," he spoke referring to my habit. "It's not a bad thing for me to know you, Auni," he told me as I finally met his glance. "I want you to be comfortable with me. I joke about sexual things like this with you to give you a chance to genuinely tell me if I'm wrong."
"You're not," I whispered back. "Sometimes I just forget how well you know me and it scares me because no one else knows this much about me."
He smiled lightly at my words, leaning in to kiss me again.
"You're always allowed to have boundaries with me, Angel. If I push them, tell me," he reassured me, his hand drawing designs on my bare thigh.
"I know," I said back again. "Sometimes I just forget how much I trust you."
"I adore every little thing about you, you know that right?" he whispered back. I laughed lightly, pushing my forehead down against his. I nodded against him. I knew that purely because of how he treated me- how he uses his love languages to express his feelings for me.
"Good, now come on," he said pulling me down off the counter. "I'm going to teach you how to make mac and cheese my way."
× × ×
When I woke up randomly in the night previously, I was used to immediately panicking and having to calm myself down again. They were always nightmares that woke me up, and I always spent hours calming myself after before I could go back to sleep.
This time wasn't a nightmare, just a random occurrence, but I'd still expected that same panic. But this time I hadn't woke up in a panic. I'd woken up with his arms around me, my forehead against his chest with our legs intertwined.
I didn't panic. In fact, I immediately calmed. I noticed how at ease I felt around him and I treasured that feeling. I nuzzled my face closer into his chest, breathing in him just to feel his comfort for a moment.
More than ever, I could just feel him, and not just the touch of our skin. I could feel him.
The way Ashton Irwin felt was a complex topic. I was never good at explaining things in words, making dissecting just what he felt like to me impossible. He felt like things only my heart would ever be able to understand.
He felt like Friday night lights.
He felt like parties.
He felt like tequila.
He felt like lace body suites.
He felt like truth or drink.
He felt like panic attacks.
He felt like bleach.
He felt like 5 things I could see, 4 things I could feel, 3 things I could hear, 2 things I could smell, and 1 thing I could taste.
He felt like missing memories.
He felt like records on my wall.
He felt like game-winning goals.
He felt like roofs.
He felt like the last sip from that can of Dr. Pepper.
He felt like the 90s.
He felt like vintage jeeps.
He felt like AUX cassettes.
He felt like lakes at 11 p.m..
He felt like nicknames.
He felt like late-night confessions.
He felt like pinky promises.
He felt like oversized band tees.
He felt like No Judgement.
He felt like strawberry sundaes.
He felt like Drunk Face.
He felt like tomorrow's regrets.
He felt like homecoming proposals.
He felt like full stadiums.
He felt like three squeezes in a row.
He felt like silk pink dresses.
He felt like bathroom counters.
He felt like record players.
He felt like slow dancing.
He felt like how Nickelback sounds.
He felt like vintage record sleeves.
He felt like outer space.
He felt like out-of-tune guitars.
He felt like cassette tapes.
He felt like newspaper wrapping.
He felt like folded up notes.
He felt like Star Shopping.
He felt like walkmans.
He felt like broken pieces.
He felt like sunroofs.
He felt like the bridge of Fine Line.
He felt like headlights silhouettes.
He felt like the freedom I felt when I first saw the stars.
He felt like flower fields.
He felt like edging.
He felt like mac and cheese made from scratch.
He felt like a love language of physical touch.
He felt like the color hazel.
He felt like trust.
He felt like my satellite.
He felt like an angel that had been sent from above.
He felt like everything I had been craving.
He felt like the love I'd been scared of.
He felt like falling in love.
And I hated how much my heart was finally begining to understand what it felt like to love him.
——-
yes, there are so many connections to duplicity in this story, but our stories are so different. i adored the way julez wrote this scene in her story, and i wanted anastasia to have that same realization like harry did since they both feared love rather than the other characters.
i hope i did it justice. <3