" Do you remember?"
She slowly shook her head in disappointment, looking at the ground.
" I thou...thought that if I...I came here I wou...would remember something. I was...so hop...hopeful. That picture...I...I felt it, you know. For the...first time,"
She turned toward me, tears had started to roll down her face and all I wanted was to wipe them away before they marked her face but I couldn't. I needed to restrain myself and it took all of my being to do so but I was still a stranger in her eyes. I couldn't intrude her personal space as I used too.
A lump started to form in my throat again, I hated to see her suffer like that. I wished it would have been me instead, in that accident. Oh, how bad I wished it.
As I looked in her eyes, for the first time since the accident I saw clear anger and I didn't know where it came from. Seconds ago, she was distressed but now something had angered her. I wished I could enter her brain to see what was going on inside but all I could do was to wait for her to talk to me.
We stayed a moment in silence before she spoke up.
" People al...always tell me it is go...going to take time...and I... I hate the....them for that,"
I looked at her, still not saying a word. I could see she needed to get things off her chest, so I waited for her to continue as tears started to form in my eyes.
"They tell me it is go...going to be fine. That I just ha...have to wait and it will...come back but they do not under...stand that I am a...alive in the meantime and that I am just...empty," she let out in between sobs.
A first tear rolled down my face as my heart was shattering slowly.
What could I say to this kind of revelation? What was I supposed to do?
I had been an empty shell myself but not for the same kind of reasons. What I lived and what she was living were different. I empathized with her situation but it was true that I couldn't fully comprehend it, neither could anyone.
All I could do was support her throughout it even if it didn't feel enough. I wanted to take her in my arms and whispered to her that everything will be alright, I wished I could unlock her brain miraculously like in the movies but I was useless.
" I don't know what you're going through right now. I wish I could but I can't. I just...want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. I'll be entirely honest with you from now on..."
She smiled as she wiped her tears and I did the same.
"Thank you," she murmured and looked back at the treehouse sighting.
"Why di...did you not tell me?"
Her question took me aback as I had no idea what she was referring to. I didn't tell her a lot of things. " About?"
" Us," she immediately replied, looking back at me. She wasn't angry anymore, her eyes were rather filled with expectations.
"Honest, right?" she said calmly.
I looked away anxiously. She was right, honesty was all I could give her. She deserved at least that but that didn't make that knot in my stomach disappear. I had to tell her and accept the consequences, I couldn't push it back anymore.
" I was scared," I took a deep breath trying my best to control the flow of emotions running inside me and to control my shaky voice but it was no use " I was so scared that you wouldn't believe me, that you would..."
"Leave you?" she finished raising an eyebrow.
I nodded, tears were running down my face so fast that even if I wiped them they were immediately back.
" Yeah, and for good this time. I can't...I can't loose you twice, Lia. I can't even bear the thought of it. I..."
I chocked on my saliva, bawling. My knees couldn't support me anymore as I relieve the events of her accident and the aftermath. All of the emotions came to hit me at full speed. I had tried to stay strong since that day at the hospital but I couldn't keep it in anymore. All of the emotions I tried to suppress came back all at once. I fell on my knees sobbing.
-
LIA
Of all the things I expected to happen today, this one I never imagined.
I think it's at that moment that I fully grasped the impact that my accident had on others. Especially on her. Seeing her on her knees sobbing hurt my heart like I never felt it before. My tears continued to stream down my face but this time it wasn't about myself it was about her. She looked so devastated like she just lost someone close to her and actually, she did. She lost her Lia. The girl in front of her was just a mere copy, an empty shell. The body, not the brain.
She was grieving her lover.
I walked closer to her, hesitantly extending my hand to comfort her I didn't want to upset her even more. I kneeled in front of her carefully and put my hand on her shoulder slightly squeezing it. Her hand reached mine and squeezed it in turn but she still had her head down and her hair was covering her face.
After some time, her sobs quieted down. Her hand was still squeezing mine. Slowly, with her other hand she took off her glasses and wiped her eyes but she was still looking down.
"Sorry," she whispered with barely enough volume for me to hear it.
"You have nothing to be sorry about ,"
She looked up and met my eyes, hers were red now from the crying and I'm pretty sure mine were the same. If someone walked in on that scene they might think we were pathetic but to us it wasn't.
It was the first time I lived that with someone. I have never seen such devastation in someone. My parents cried for me at the beginning too of course but it was because I was alive and they were thankful. They never thought they lost their daughter, the old me, they always told me it will come back even though they were more careful with me now. They always treated me like I was her. The same goes for my friends. Even though they were affected by it they were quick to help me move on because they still thought of me as the same Lia. But not Yeji, she knew she lost her, she didn't try to deny it to herself anymore and as much as I wanted to give her her Lia back I just couldn't. Firstly, because I didn't even know who she was, everyone portrayed me differently. So who was I truly? And second, because even if I tried my hardest I just couldn't be her.
She finished wiping her eyes and put back her glasses but she still wasn't looking at me directly. I still had my hand on her shoulder and she hadn't let go of it neither. She looked at it and then at me, I could feel myself blushing because even though Yeji was the shiest person I ever met, her gaze was the most intense among everyone. Hesitantly, her other hand rose up as she took a deep breath, my heart started pounding as her hand reached my face and delicately wiped my tears. A weird feeling emerged from the deep of my stomach, something I hadn't felt before and that I didn't know how to describe but it felt strangely...good.
Our eyes met and that feeling in my stomach started burning yet in a sweetly good way. Suddenly, Yeji's eyes changed like she had a sudden realization and immediately looked away, clearing her throat and removed both of her hands off me. The feeling in my stomach disappeared instantly and I now felt cold and incomplete. I wanted to put her hands back where they had been and also insanely I wanted more. I wanted to feel her hands in mine, for them to touch my face, my arms...
Yeji rose up, scratching the back of her neck while quickly looking around. When she looked back, I was still kneeling and that seemed to concern her.
"Do...Do you need help to get up?"
Her questions took me by surprise but I quickly realized that I did need her because of my fucked up knee.
" Ye...Yes, please ,"
Without hesitation she took my hands in hers and help me, her warmth felt so good to have again. As I got up my knee failed me and I almost fell but she didn't let go, instead she put her hands around me. By the time I was fully standing we were basically hugging. I could feel her breath descending on my face and neck, giving me shivers. I hadn't realized we were that close and now my heart started racing again and I could feel that feeling in my stomach reappeared.
Slowly, Yeji detached herself from me but my protest stayed silent as I once again felt cold. The atmosphere was now kinda awkward, Yeji was playing with her sleeves again, looking around and I had a million things playing in my mind myself.
I looked up at the treehouse, still searching for answers that it refused to give me. I still had hope that once inside maybe things will start to unlock.
"Should we go in?"
I turned toward her and nodded. She smiled and started to make her way to the treehouse slowly to match my pace.
I looked at the majestic high place again, my heart pounding.
It was time for answers.