The book bag on my shoulder was growing heavier and heavier as I got closer to the student parking lot. The skies were blue with not a cloud in sight, but the air still had a slightly bitter feel to it.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and startled me as I was focused on the clear sky. I pushed my books into one hand and shoved my other hand in my back pocket to snatch my phone.
Incoming Call:
From: The Boy Who Makes You Wet
I laughed at the screen and noted myself to change his contact name before someone got sight of it.
"Where are you?" Justin quickly jumped before I could even say hello.
"Leaving campus now. Everything alright?" I asked continuing my paces toward the parking structure.
"Yeah, uh, do you have time to stop by the store with me? I need a couple things and I'm on doctors orders not to be driving." He asks.
"Sure, but I have to stop by the motel, so I'll pick you up in fifteen?" I asked almost dropping my heavy book bag off my shoulder. I slid it back up my arm with difficulty.
Things between Justin and I have been complicated, to say the least. Not that that was very surprising though, were things ever simple when it came to us? Justin and I were acting a lot more like flirty friends than we were lovers. With all the drama that's been piling up on our lives, we didn't want to add more. I was more concerned with Justin's well being, after discovering his methods of harming himself, rather than sleeping in the same bed each night. I'd still been sleeping at my old motel room, but Joey joined me most nights since I was in a neighborhood not favored by many.
As for Justin and Joey, they had been spending a lot more time together since Joey's diagnoses. He hasn't started the Chemo therapy yet, but his first appointment is scheduled for mid April, in just a couple weeks. Joey had contacted his family and we all agreed to meet back in Vienna for his first appointment. The doctors hadn't determined if it was terminal yet, we were all praying for the best.
"Well if there's one thing Bieber knows, it's how to pick em'." A voice sounds off from behind me. It sounds familiar, but I can't match it with a name until I turn around. Evan.
You remember Evan right? The dare-night stripping, flirty, jealousy inducing, diary reading, jerk head that I haven't been in contact with since a couple months ago.
"Can I help you?" I rudely state, letting my bag fall to the floor as it was all too heavy.
"Actually you can, little Mrs. Feisty." Evan shakes his short, blonde, tousled hair.
"It's really pathetic of you to think that after what you did to Drew, I would do anything in your favor." Honestly, I hated calling him Bizzle.
"Aw, cute, you're on a first-name basis now?" Evan smiles like a little girl-scout trying to sell cookies. I roll my eyes and attempt to walk away, but Evan calls me back and, god knows why, I turn back to his attention. "Look, I'm sorry about what happened. . . kinda-" he snorts. I turn on my heels and he quickly snugs me back, "But, I am coming to you with open arms." He says.
I roll my eyes once again and sigh obnoxiously. I wish he'd take a hint and leave me alone. "Yeah, well my arms aren't open in return so-"
"Oh come on. You don't even know what I want yet. Besides, I thought you're the innocently sweet girl around here?" Evan teases stepping in closer to me. I will admit, he's not a bad looking guy, but his nasty personality triumphs any chances he has with just about any girl.
"Don't confuse nice and pushover. They're not the same thing." I say clearly. I will not have people walk all over me like a doormat.
Evan nods, "You're one of the smartest students at this school. Now, you may think I'm a jerk, which is mostly true, but I do care about my school work. I know you're one of the only kids acing Calculus right now."
I furrow my eyebrows in at him, "You want me to tutor you?" I ask to make she I'm not misinterpreting.
Evan folds his lips and unwillingly nods, "Just for couple weeks, till after this midterm?"
I think about it for a moment and try to run over all the pros and cons of this task. I don't have much time to think since Evan is standing right there. I start to run over some of the horrible things he's done and of course I don't know any of the good, if there's any. Justin would throw a fit.
"I'm sorry, I can't help you." I shake my head and lift my bag off the floor.
Evan's charming glance disappears and his face goes blank. He grabs my arm roughly, "Okay, maybe I wasn't clear enough. You are going to help me study for this midterm."
"Oh really?" I say cocking an eyebrow, "And why would I do that?"
Evan flares his nostrils, "Because if you don't, you're not gonna like what's gonna happen to your little love bug Bieber." he says regaining a threatening smile.
"Oh, so you're blackmailing me now?" I ask in disbelief.
Evan doesn't try to sugar coat it. He nods. "His dad has been trying to get in contact with him for the past month or so, but you already know that." Now my ears are all open, "Well, I don't know what kind of daddy issues Bizzle has, but I know he won't be very happy if his father suddenly appears in town."
"How do you know Jeremy?" I ask confused.
Evan shrugs, "So Tuesdays and Thursdays?" He asks completely disregarding my question.
I glare at him throughly, realizing I have no choice. "Two things. One, you don't try anything other than calculus. Two, Drew doesn't find about this. Or the deals off and I'll make sure you fail the class." I have no idea how I would do that, but I'm hoping he'll simply hold up his end of the deal.
I stopped by my motel room to drop of my school stuff before heading to Justin's house. I pulled up on the drive way of the house that was almost impossible to miss. It took up two lots and towered way over all the other houses on the block.
I knocked and rang the doorbell, but nobody answered. I reached for the door handle to find that the door was open. Stepping inside I closed the door behind me. I called out Justin's name yet received no response in return. I heard noise coming from upstairs although.
Following the sound of what I'd sorted to be a piano, I made my way upstairs and to a room, of many, that I had never been in before. The door was just barely left open and so I peeked through before entering silently.
The piano keys had put together one of the most beautiful melodies I've ever heard. The voice echoing behind it was all too hypnotizing.
'Cause nothing can ever,
Ever replace you.
Nothing can make me feel like you do,
You know there's no one
I can relate to.
And know we won't find a love that's so true
There's nothing like us,
There's nothing like you and me,
The voice stops and the piano keys go still. I shook my head and noticed Justin sitting on the piano bench, turned toward me with his brows raised.
He closed the fall board, covering the keys, "I didn't hear you come in." He says standing up.
"That was beautiful." I compliment at only the portion I'd heard. Justin looks back at the piano and a quick smile appears then disappears on his lips. "I had no idea that you played, nor sang." I was rather surprised.
Justin shrugged, "Yeah I picked up a few tips through the years." I nodded my head, noticing him getting uncomfortable. That was more than a few tips. Why was he so shy about these things?
He tosses his hand through his hair and walks towards me, "You ready to go?"
"Yeah. Hey, what song was that?" I ask pulling him back to the conversation I knew he was trying to escape.
"Oh, uh, it's just an original, actually." He says tapping his foot on the floor beneath us, "Come on," He practically pushes me out of the room and closes the door behind us.
We enter his room and I noticed the back of his pants stuffed with his black journal. So maybe he wrote lyrics in there too? "I see you're writing in your diary again." I comment, loving to see his reaction when his man card was tested.
"For the millionth time, it's not a diary!" He rolled his eyes and shoved it in the upper most drawer of his dresser.
We walk together through the sea of cars in the parking lot, my flip-flops snapping against my heels. Yes, it may have still been April and not quite warm enough to bring out the summer attire, but I figured if I acted like it was summer, it'd catch on soon enough.
I walked through the aisles at Justin's side as he rummaged through the different types of razors. "What do you even need one of those for?" I teased at his blonde scruff he attempted to grow out every now and then. Justin glances at me with a -really-did-you-really-just-go-there- expression. I giggle and he shakes his head moving on to the next aisle where he collects some bandaids and cleansing alcohol for his still wounded, but healing, body.
We head over to the medicines and there's a middle-aged couple standing in front of the cough syrup, reading the labels. Justin stands in front of the shelves and then says casually, without lowering his voice, "Babe, did you find that yeast infection stuff?"
My eyes spring open and I freeze in front of the Tylenol. He removes a small box of Advil from the shelf. The couple pretends not to have heard what he said, but I know they heard him.
"I mean are you sure that's what's causing the itch?" he goes on nonchalantly and I'm literally melting from the heat in my face.
The couple does glance over this time, covertly. Justin is grinning at me from the side, pretending to be reading labels, so the couple can't see.
I guess that's what I get for starting this war with the razor blade joke. I want to smack him and burst into laughter at the same time, but instead, I play him at his own game.
"Yeah, I found it," I say as casually as he had. "What about you? Did you see if they have extra-small sized condoms?"
The woman turns her head and looks right at him, up and down, and then she eyes me before forcing herself to going back to reading labels.
As expected, Justin doesn't break. He just smiles over at me, enjoying every second of this. "One size fits all, baby," he says, "I told you they fill out better when you can actually make it hard."
A spitting noise bursts from between my lips followed by laughter. The couples jaw dropping expressions carry them out of the aisle leaving just the two of us cracking up with uncontrollable laughter.
"You're so bad!" I say sounding almost like a child after hearing a cussing word. Of course it wasn't about the things he was saying, it was more about the company he was presenting it to.
"Me? You're not so innocent yourself." He laughs grabbing a small pack of Advil.
On our way to the cashier Justin snags a bag of beef jerky. We place all the items on the scanner and Justin whips out a small load of cash. I guess the only good thing about all the betting and challenges he creates are that they pay up front, in cash.
When we get back in the car, Justin rips the top strip off one of his beef jerky bags and pops a jagged piece into his mouth. I watch his jaw clench as he works the piece of stiff piece of processed food. On the way home we pick up some actual food, chicken & cheese sandwiches from a little shop downtown in Memphis. We eat them in the car, trying our best not to make a mess.
We head back to Justin's house and empty our groceries into the cabinets. I put the couple things that I purchased into my car for when I take off back to the motel later tonight. I grab a little bag from my trunk before heading back inside.
"I really hate you sleeping in that area." Justin comments as we walk up the steps to his room. "Any chance I can get you back here?" He asks.
I bite my lip and shake my head, "I think the subtle distance is better. We're slowly working our way back."
"Slowly, wouldn't describe certain nights." He says cheekily and I slap his back as I'm walking behind him. We weren't sex monsters, but admittedly, one every few days things got a little intimate.
We reach his room and he pulls off his shirt, "What's in the bag?" He asks at my little green bag I'm holding.
I skipped over to his bed and jumped on it, folding my legs before I hit the mattress. I patted the space beside me enjoining Justin. He walked over, his amazingly fit body hypnotizing me in seconds, and crawled onto the bumpy mattress. "I got you a little something." I commented holding the bag closely to me. "I'd actually picked it out on Valentines Day . . ." I trailed off, "But obviously there was no time for gift giving from then till about now."
Justin curls his lip, "You didn't have to do that." he said.
I shrugged, "I know and I know you're not into all the cheesy romance and I'm not expecting anything in return. I was probably going to get you this anyway, regardless of a special occasion."
Justin nods, "Well, what is it?" he asks stretching his neck and trying to peek in the bag.
I close it tight against my body, "Do you remember around the time we first met? When you took me out of town to run some errands?"
"How could I forget." His smirk twitches as he waits for his small gift.
I reached into the bag and pulled out the hard covered book, placing it in his lap. He looks down at it, his eyes scanning me and then the cover before he picks it up and brushes past the pages. "You were reading that. At the library." I paused as Justin said nothing. "I just, I don't want you to pretend to be anything less than yourself around me." I say shrugging at his endlessly silent response.
It was a short children's story entitled, The Giving Tree. I had a deep cut feeling that it was somehow related to his awful childhood, but the way he was holding the book right now made me think that it might've been one of the only good memories from that era.
Finally, his eyes part from the book and meet mine, "Thank you." he mumbles turning back down to the book.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to provoke-" I suddenly felt a little guilty.
He shakes his head and clears his throat, "No, really, thank you so much. I love it." He nods moving in closer for a gentle hug. I smiled diligently and pulled myself into his warm embrace. He kept his hands wrapped around me for quite sometime before breaking away.
Close to midnight we are sitting in front of the huge television downstairs watching some pretty creepy movie entitled Lucy. The lights around the house are mostly closed, but the expensive looking lamps around the house make it a littler brighter. I know for a fact that Justin can't afford this kind of house with the money he makes off the streets. He told me months ago that this was one of his childhood homes that his parents never revisit. I don't want to throw in assumptions, but the only explanation that makes sense is Jeremy, Justin's father, knowing that his son is staying here and simply choosing to continue paying the bills for him. I guess that would go against everything that Justin's told me about Jeremy, but come on. Nobody forgets about a million-dollar house still under their name.
The movie is almost at the end, but Justin knocked out about half hour ago. After re-cleansing his injuries and wrapping a couple in sticky bandaids, he fell asleep almost instantly. I was happy to see him recovering though. It always seemed that whenever his old injuries were almost done healing, new ones would appear. Of course now I know that was because he was inflicting pain on himself for every wrong action.
I glanced over at his sleeping body beside me, he looked disturbed. He normally sleeps with ease, with an expression that is the most peaceful sign he's ever given. However, for the past week or two, he's been rigidity and restless as he constantly woke up within 3 hour intervals. There's been a couple cases where I've had to wake him from his slumber, from some sort of nightmare, and this was about to be another.
Justin's head flew from side to side and his hand gripped the side of the couch. I hadn't noticed the sweat building up on the top of his forehead but that was almost always a sign of troubled sleeping for him. "Justin!" I said loudly, but not loud enough to scare him. "Justin! You're having a nightmare!" I put my hand on his curled up knee and shook him in the slightest.
His eyes sprung open and both his arms flew to the cushions of the couch that he gripped as if he were holding on for dear life. He glanced around the room. Then, threw his head back onto the couch and plastered a pillow over his face once he realized he was only dreaming.
I heard him breathing deeply. "You're not gonna get any air under there." I said pulling the pillow off his face. He stared up at the ceiling for a few moments before sitting up beside me on the sofa. "You've been having these nightmares a lot lately." I say hoping that he'll open up about them a little.
He doesn't make eye contact with me, he looks away and bites his lip in an alluring manner. "I'd rather not." He says answering my unspoken question of does he want to talk about it.
I sighed effectively. I wished he would, for once, just tell me something without playing on the words or hiding from the fact. Justin studies me carefully, realizing my dismay. He slid his hand across the couch and intertwined his fingers with my own. "It doesn't matter what these nightmares are about. They're just thoughts, images, sensations that I'm not really experiencing. The light is brighter. You are my daydream, and you're real." He says pulling my hand to his lips and kissing it gently.
I smile warmly and am impressed by his words, but I'm not fooled. I know he's trying to sweet talk me
into dropping the subject. Typical. "Question?" I asked. He nodded. "If the roles were reversed and I was waking up countless nights in complete terror, would you let me bury the subject as you are doing now? Or would you wanna know what was scaring me so you could find a solution or at least a reason?"
Justin's face falls glim as he realizes his sweet talk didn't exactly work as he planned. "They're just silly dreams. There's no meaning or reasoning behind it."
I nodded firmly and gave an slightly exaggerated expression to make to clear that I was upset with him. I got up and headed for the door, slipping my shoes on instantly.
"Where are you going?" He quickly asks following me to the entrée.
"To sleep." I simply imply, "it's getting late."
"Please don't go there. I worry about you too much when you're driving out in that area and sleeping there alone." Justin begs.
I pull the door handle open, "Yeah, it sucks to worry and not be able to help, huh?" I throw his comment right back in his face and march out the door.
Truth is, I was getting pretty scared living on that side of town as well. I'd sent in a request form for a room on campus early that same day, but I hadn't received a reply yet. I was hoping it'd happen in a couple days here. I admit, I did partially do it for the sake of Justin. Though, I liked to give him a little sprinkle of his own medicine from time to time-and he totally deserved this one.
I spent the weekend running through a few doctor appointments with Joey and finishing up a research paper I had do for my psychology class on Monday.
After work and class on Tuesday, it was time to meet up with Evan for our first study session. I hid a small spray bottle of pepper spray in the outside pocket of my book bag, just in case. Justin had texted and asked what I was up to as he was still on house arrest for the next couple days. I told him I was staying on campus to study, which wasn't technically a lie at all.
"There you are, for a moment I thought you were gonna flake out on me." Evan says as I walk into the library and find him back in a corner section. The campus library wasn't much of a library at all, there weren't many books besides class textbooks and a few manuals. This area was mostly used for studying and hanging out.
"Let's just get this over with." I sighed throwing my bag on the table.
I sat down and quickly gave Evan an overview, narrowing in on what he did and didn't understand. Overall, I had to admit, he did a pretty good job of acting like a decent human being. We made it through an entire chapter within the couple hours that we sat there. I quizzed Evan on several important topics and equations and he got almost all of them right by the end of our session. Needless to say, it was a lot better experience than I had expected. Maybe he was telling the truth after all, he may not care about much, but his grades are defiantly something, maybe the only thing, he takes seriously.
After the study session was over I headed over to Justin's house. I checked my email countless times hoping for a response from the dean of admission in regard to my request for a dorm on campus, but I still hadn't received much except junk mail.
I walked in Justin's front door and the aroma of pasta and garlic immediately crashed into me. "Justin?" I called out letting him know I'd arrived.
"Hey," he pops his head out from the kitchen open-way, "In here, I hope you're hungry!" He smiles adorably.
After dinner I head back to my motel and decide to throw the towel in early. I hop in the shower and let the warm pellets cover my skin and sooth my body. I shampoo, twice, then condition and scrub my body throughly with the loofah. I call my parents and chat with them for about an hour in total. They catch me up on all their doings and planning's. Alan got suspended from school, again. My 16-year-old brother probably spent more time in detention and at home during the school year than he did school. Dad reminds me of the Mayor's dinner set for the 3rd weekend of this month and I mark my calendar.
I crawl into bed at around mine after reading a few chapters of a book I had started a few days back. I curled up in my covers and admittedly thought about how much I missed Justin. Sure, we were having sex and hanging out from time to time, but it didn't feel right. It felt like something was misplaced that could never be pushed back.
I woke up the next morning, or so I thought it was the next morning, until I glanced at the window blinds and saw no daylight shining through. I heard a knock coming from the front door. I crawled off my bed and grabbed the pepper spray out of my bag. Trying to make as little noise as possible, I tip toed over to the front door. There was no peep-hole, and it was too dark to open the window and make out who was standing there.
I waited for another knock, hoping the person had left, but seconds later I heard more tapping. "Who is it?" I said trying to disguise my voice in a deeper tenor.
There was hesitation on the other side of the door, "Mila?" He asked.
I lowered my shoulders and sighed in relief. Tossing my pepper-spray to the side I opened the door way and smiled at my company, but my smile faded faster than it had appeared.
Justin stood in my doorway at 4 in the morning, his eyes looked bloodshot. His forehead was damped with what I presumed to be sweat. He looked like he'd just been released from a real life nightmare. He cleared his uneasy throat.
"It's the same reoccurring dream every night." he begins. The warm night sets the mood. Then I understand, he just woke up from another one, the same one. I step out onto the tiny motel porch with him and sit on the two rusty chairs set up in front.
I immediately take back everything I'd said days earlier, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I-"
"It's like I'm living in my house with my parents again, but I'm the age I am now. Only my mind and body don't feel as if I'm that old." He ignored me completely and continues telling me what his dream is about. "My dad is upset about something when he gets home. I'm downstairs getting water. You're there too, but you're up in my room." He pauses for a moment, but continues, "I flinch away from him expecting him to throw something or do something, but he doesn't. He walks upstairs. I hear a scream. It's you. I drop the glass cup and step on the shards as I'm sprinting up the steps. I turn a quick corner and pull myself into my room, but when I get there, you're gone. Suddenly I'm my helpless self again. I'm laying on my bed and begging my dad not to beat the shit out of me."
"And that's when you wake up." I comment after piecing together the movements and small comments he makes toward the end of his fright. Justin nods agreeably.
We both take a moment to gather our thoughts. He speaks up mellowly, "I think you were right." He said.
I furrowed my brows a little, "About what?"
He tucks his top lip between his teeth, "About seeing my-Jeremy." I don't speak yet. I give him a second to rehearse what he's trying to say. He puts his face down in his hands and wipes his cheeks roughly. "He still has a grasp on me. And I think it'll always be that way until I stand face-to-face with him. I just-" He exhales sharply.
"Justin," I shake my head completely retreating on what I'd told him when I first found out his father was the one calling. "I don't want you to do something that you're not comfortable doing. I said those things without experience. I can only imagine a portion of what you went through." I'm almost shaking now. I don't want Justin to do something, in that moment of reconnecting with his bastard of a father, that he'll regret for the rest of his life.
Justin nods, "I just, I need to know. It's killing me not knowing what he thinks about all this. Does he feel remorse? Has he done anything to change himself? I don't want revenge, Mila, I just want knowledge." His jaw clenches. And I know He's lying.
He wants both.
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p.s. Please don't hate me for the wait I had MAJOR writers block on this damn chapter! But now I know where I want it go ;)
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