To all ships - False alarm. That screeching sound last night wasn't an enemy attack. It was Belfast yelling inside Enterprise 1's room. - Don't ask for details.
Admiral Hipper - We don't have an ethics committee. Even if we did, would you really believe Eugen is a member?
Akagi - It's fine to announce your affection, but please don't let it involve genitals. - Least of all mine.
Akashi - You are not allowed to recreate any scene seen on anime. - Especially if you think you can "do it better."
Albacore - Submarines should not use their undersea capabilities to prank destroyers by recreating scenes from Jaws.
Belfast - Good to see that you two are happy with your current relationship, but could you please be happy in a quieter voice at night? I do not need to know the exact position you two are making while I'm trying to sleep.
Bremerton - Please stop teaching others how to perform the movements to the dance move known as twerking. Instead, why don't you try teaching them the steps of the safety dance?
Cleveland - Enterprise 1 is female, just like you. It's completely acceptable for women to feel affection to other women, but if you're just doubting your preferences, that doesn't mean you are in the "wrong" gender - For god sake, look down your pants and tell me what you see, because even I am getting doubtful now!
Deutschland - Stop with the Nazi propaganda. I have no interest. I'm going to start biling you for my therapy sessions.
Empress III - No matter if it is actually true or not, when asked what you'd like to eat for dinner, do not answer with "Soouuuls," before chasing everyone around with a giant spoon.
Enterprise 1 - When asked by the younger destroyers why Belfast was so loud last night, don't answer them that bluntly.
Graf Zeppelin - Sorry for not noticing that you've already exterminated about a quarter of the human population. We're too busy holding weddings and hunting bunnies.
Javelin - Do not use confetti to replace the ammunition within your 102 Milimetre cannons. - Or paper airplanes. - or beer bottles. - or Rats. - Or other shipgirls. - You know what, just don't replace your ammo with anything.
Kaga - You will be imprisoned for arranging gladiatorial arena combat between the SIREN and Unicorn. I may, however, reconsider this decision if you have a recording of the battles in VHS for me.
North Carolina - Hey, look at this little thing! It's called a fox! They actively eat bunnies! And it's going to be my personal pet from this point on, patrolling the base. Also, you did get rid of those bunnies when I told you to, right? Right?!
Laffey - Empress' antics are growing on you. You do not get to burn people for looking at you "funny." Apologize to North Carolina.
Prinz Eugen - The Azur Lane program will not cover any of the expenses used for your belly-dancing lessons. - Not even if you prove its usage during wartime. - I can't believe that actually worked.
Roon - Do not use my clothing as bribes against the other shipgirls. - Do not use my clothing as currency inside the base. - Stop stealing my underwear!
Taihō - When I wake up in the morning, I'd like to do so alone. And still dressed.
Unicorn - Heavy cruisers are not to be used as ammunition to play put-shot. - Congratulations on beating Arizona's record, though.
Tester β- Piranha grenades are not in development and won't ever be. They're not viable weapons. Please stop asking for them. - Yes, even if you killed a submarine by throwing fish at it.
Warspite - Despite the confusing name, Queen Elizabeth is not the Queen of anywhere. - Or king.
Zuikaku - I understand that you feel the need to one-up everything Enterprise 1 does, but attempting to beat her "seduction" record is right out. No harems - Not even if you include Shōkaku. - Especially if you include Shōkaku. - If you manage to convince Roon, Akagi or Taihō, however, that'll be fine.