I wasn't quite sure if they always prepared feasts or it may have been my presence that had made them go all out. I took a seat and laid a napkin down. My eyes scanned the table hoping to find her but I was met with welcoming smiles of the people who resided in the beauteous residence. Having went through all the hidden halls, stumbled through stunning art and graciously strolled high balcony views and their good taste in literature. I was impressed but concerned because I had not seen Nora since she'd left to see her aunt. I'd seen Lou with one of the servants, he was a bit fussy because of the unfamiliar faces but soon enough he was asleep.
"Nora tells me a lot about you both." I said firmly. Over the course of fifteen minutes; I had been introduced to William and his wife. Both graceful, I felt some sort of envy to have a love like that. To love another in such a way it makes everyone in the room ill-fitting. I had also met their family friend Austin who I thought was a hilarious sadistic champ. Every word that escaped his lips turned out of be nothing that anyone around the table could take seriously.
"I believe there's a very very thin like between love and madness. I'd like to think I've crossed both and stumbled into lunacy." Clearing his throats, he whispered. "A couple of times." All the while playing around with his food.
Lady Martha's cheeks flushed red as if embarrassed by his behaviour. William and Panashe turned to look at each other before looking away. "My dear Austin let's not bore the duke with such nonsense." Lady Martha smiled tightly.
"Why do I have to be the bigger person? Do I get a trophy of some sort?" He grumbled.
William turned to him whispering a low threatening mumble. "I thought we already discussed this, Austin."
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry that I miss my wife and kids. I'm sorry, I'm disturbing your mighty royal visit from your fancy royal guest. I'm honestly so sorry that I'm a man with needs and my wife refuses to accommodate them since the birth of the twins. I'm genuinely sorry that she says she is tired of cleaning up after me. I'm so sorry that I really miss— Merri and I want to apologise." He broke down. I felt awkward in my sit, for some reason everytime someone entered the room my heart skipped a beat. Only to be disappointed, it wasn't Nora.
"Newlyweds?" I asked when there was silence.
"Yes."
I nodded.
"You should be alright. Always remember to be mindful of the things you say to a woman."
Austin's eyes immediately brightened up. "I do tend to be mean and reckless with my vocabulary when I'm upset. It's all work in progress." After a sigh, Austin smiled. "I like you."
"...uhm...thank you I guess."
The table seemed to be better after that resolution. We indulged in politics and other talks that eventually led to a question that I never thought I'd have to answer in front of a black woman herself. At the back of my mind; I was still searching for Nora. I did not want to be disrespectful but I also did not want to be dishonest.
"Would you publicly be with a woman of colour?" Austin asked. I was convinced, he had a bit much to drink.
"No offence to you Panashe or anyone else but family is very important where I come from. Most importantly family values. I do not think I'd be able to disarray from the rules and protocols of the life and family I was born into. Of course I question with human decency if it is right or wrong. My father was the kindest man I'd ever known, I'd like to be like him to respect everyone and be kind where possible as well as fair at all time but at the end of the day. It's not a life meant for someone like me."
"You have to keep up with a false narrative of who the son of a duke is meant to act like or be like or speak like..." William said with some sense of understanding. His wife merely seemed uncomfortable at the entire conversation.
"Precisely." I added.
"I hope you keep your word then." Lady Martha said confidently.
I tensed up a bit.
"I've watched both these young men go through a despicable phase of self loathing, confusion, shame and delirium hurting everyone in the process until finally accepting their reality. It's not an easy ride. It's awful for everyone involved and everyone who has to witness it all."
I gave her a curt nod. "I can only imagine Lady Martha but not to worry. I marry soon, I have a few adherents whom mother has set out from very good families." I wouldn't be marrying for love, I'd always known I'd never marry for love because of the dynamic I'd been raised in. Mostly probably I'd met my future wife and she was a distant cousin. It was all unpredictable and I'd stopped predicting the day Anna passed on.
—
There was a soft knock on the door. I knew who it was, I hoped it was her. Looking at the clock, it was 2am. I hurried to the door. Indeed it was her. She looked sad but yet so unbothered.
"I'm sorry for bothering you in this hour. I can not sleep."
"It's alright, would you like to come in?"
She simply shrugged her shoulders and let herself in. Her eyes were something I'd never noticed but ever since I had paid attention it's all I saw or wanted to focus on. I had so many questions but I did not want to overwhelm her. I stayed respectful but the curiosity of who this girl was and what kept her driven and unbothered? Remained a never ending thought.
"I think people like me aren't meant to have a happy ending." She smiled, her smile didn't reach her face. She sat on the bed, hugged her knees then rested back on the headboard. I sat beside her listening to the ambience of crickets, creaking at the near sunrise.
"What does people like you entitle?" I looked at her, she wouldn't keep contact she kept her eyes down and slightly squinted. I realised she she did that a lot. If only she knew how beautiful there were especially on her. I was not in love but I'd always been a man honest with himself about the beauty of nature that surrounded me.
"...cursed...made out of hate, lust and disregard of another humans feelings."
"That can not be true."
She turned to look at me in disbelief. "We both know that isn't true as much as you're trying to comfort me with lies." With a huff. "I shouldn't be here. I never asked for this life of shame."
"Where is all this coming from?" I asked.
She smiled, eyes glistening with tears. "I certainly can not wait for my death."
"I pray that does not occur."
"It must be nice knowing you were born out of love."
"Actually I was born out of desperation for a heir. Not exactly love."
"Still much better."
It was silent for a bit.
"Have you ever grown your hair out?"
"Yes, it was a huge mistake." She mumbled. "I looked ridiculous."
"I'd be lucky to see you with hair."
She looked at me again a small smile on her lips. "Do not hold your breath, this is all you will ever see me in."
"Long hideous dresses and short hair; noted."
"My dresses are not hideous?" She said in a high pitched voice. I gave her a suggestive nod.
"You could honestly do better."
"Good thing, I have no intention of ever impressing the likes of you."
"You seem to not like me very much."
"I simply do not like white men." She responded.
"But you let me touch you?"
"Is that suppose to mean anything? I did not think it did, it's just intercourse."
"Right." I added.
"What?" She asked.
"You make it sound like an easy transaction."
"It is, isn't it?"
"You're so cold..." I told her truthfully. I'd never came across a woman who was so far out of touch with reality. She was realistic about her life, outcomes and shortcomings. Too honest with herself and others. Accepted the cold truth as it was and dished it to others.
"Suppose you should know where I get that from, my very precious father." She said sarcastically.
"Have you met him before? If you don't mind me asking."
"Are you infertile?"
My heart skipped a beat. I never thought I'd be embarrassed to confront an issue that was part of my life and would be for the rest of it.
"If you're, thank goodness. I'm not here to place judgement. I figured since you constantly assure me not to worry, that must be the only reason. Also with Lewis... Of course I stand to be corrected, I may be wrong. Imagine bringing a child like me into this world. You owe me no explanation."
I absolutely hated the way she spoke so cruelly of herself. I detested every part of it. I did not see her that way. I knew it was all in her eyes. I wished she'd see how alluring she was in every sense. She was certainly kind to everyone but herself.
"I am." I replied curtly not wanting to dive much into it. She simply nodded with no care for any other explanation.
"It's that time of the month, I figured I should let you know. You're indeed infertile. My aunt always told me one time was enough to make a huge mistake."
"Go ahead and bruise me even further." I chuckled, she laughed along. It seemed her mood was slightly better.
"I hope you find love again." She told me. "I know the death of your wife must have been devastating but I'm hopeful you will find someone. Especially if you keep up that nice, gentleman persona. It's certainly not the end."
"I wish the very same for you."
With a scoff, she giggled. "Don't be ridiculous."
I scoffed as well. "Why, I'm not being ridiculous?!"
"Emeka married." She let out a sigh. Suddenly the reason for her somber mood has been revealed.
"I'm sorry to hear that, did you have hopes that maybe—"
She cut me off. "No, I did not. I'm merely just a mulatto who tries so hard to fit in but never gets fully accepted. I've spent my whole life trying to prove how black I am but somehow, my white lineage haunts me." She paused for a second. Smiling widely. "As a kid, I always wanted a fro and brown eyes. I thought it was the most beautiful quality to have. It's all I ever wanted but I had to be stuck with curly hair and his eyes. I've been called so many names."
"I apologise he did whatever he did to your mother." I was at a loss for words.
"She'd be upset, I'm here entertaining white men." Nora sighed loudly.
"Just how many have you entertained?" I teased.
She did not bother replying as if annoyed with my presence. "Do you think if I had a child with a black man, my curse would affect them? I wouldn't want them inheriting any of this white tribulations?"
Curse? I scoffed.
"I can't speculate anything but I'd like to think they'd probably inherit something from you just as they would their father. There's no telling really."
I watched Nora contemplate deeply staring at the ceiling. She did not realise, I was watching her. One thing I knew for sure was we were on the same page. She hated whiteness with a passion. I was indifferent to everything. Abruptly she turned to look at me. Laying a soft kiss on my lips, for a second a was lost in a trance of bliss before it registered to me that she was leaving. She rolled the sleeves of her jersey as she made her way to the door.
"What was that for?" I asked, still tasting the feel of her lips on mine.
She only shrugged. "I figured we could be cringe like Shakespeare. Oh my love, my dearest Lord Hugh. Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow."
I could only grin watching her acting dramatic. Something within me felt oddly overwhelmed. "Where did you learn that quote?"
Nora only smiled not answering but instead turning to leave. I realised she never answered most of my questions. Instead she simply brushed them off.
"Are you sure that we are awake? It seems to me that yet we sleep; we dream." I quoted Shakespeare as well.
"That's too sappy." She told me, turning to close the door. I didn't understand anything that had just happened. Nothing that Nora and I did ever made sense.
—
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