Saturday, October 17th- 12:49 p.m.
The dynamic between Ashton and I had completely shifted within the past 24 hours, and I still don't think I'd completely processed it. We could actually stand each other's presence, but that was months in the making of denying cravings. I think we'd always jokingly pick fights with one another. It's just our competitive nature. But that's all they were- stupidly competitive jokes.
But rather than thinking with my mind and truly trying to understand where we stood, I let my body and heart lead, doing what they wanted over what my mental issues would have allowed.
I think that lack of thinking is what led me to the moment I was in, my head on Ashton's chest as he drew patterns on my lower back under his shirt that covered my body. We had turned to Netflix for entertainment, landing on the last episode of criminal minds I had been on.
I looked up to him as it started wrapped up, watching how carefully he focused to process everything that was happening. I noticed how his tongue tended to rub across his bottom lip from the inside when he focused, making me smile as I noticed yet another one of his quirks.
His eyes shot down to me at my change in expression, realizing I had been watching him. "What?" he asked defensively.
I lolled my head to the side, scooting farther up the couch so my head could rest on his shoulder, making it harder for him to look over to me.
"Nothing," I told him with a smile, looking back up to the tv.
"No, what were you looking at?" he asked again, laughing lightly at the way I was being.
"You," I responded. "The way you run your tongue along your lip when you focus."
I explained it to him, knowing we were past keeping stupid small secrets from each other. There was still a lot I didn't know about him and a lot he didn't know about me, but simple little things like this didn't have to stay as secrets anymore.
"You do it on the field too," I added on as I listened to his heartbeat below my ear.
"Yeah, well, you lock your thumb between your index and middle finger every time you shoot," he said back, making me push up off him.
"No, I don't," I defended myself. Even I didn't know I did that, how did he?
"I'm not lying! You do," he explained. "Here, there's gotta be a photo of you shooting on the team's page."
I sat up off of him as he scooted up the couch. I sat straddling his lap as he grabbed his phone off the table, opening it to find a photo for proof. I slipped my thumb under the fingers he described, feeling how it oddly felt familiar. He looked up at me, laughing as he watched my confused expression.
"No way I do that," I fought him, looking at him completely dumbfounded.
"I'm serious," he defended. "You only do it when you shoot though, not just when you have the ball. And you only do it with your right hand."
It made me bite the inside of my cheek as I realized how close he had to have been watching me to realize all that in the few select games we had playtime together in.
"Here's one," he said, opening his arm to invite me down closer. I leaned down, pushing myself up against his chest so I snaked under his arm. I rolled onto my back when my head reached his shoulder, looking up to his phone as he wrapped his arm back around me, lowering his phone so it rested on my stomach.
He zoomed in on the photo. "See!" he pointed it out.
I did in fact have my thumb encased in only my index and middle finger, making me scoff under my breath as I did it with my hand again. I'd never known I did that, but he'd watched me carefully enough to realize.
"Well, your tongue pokes out every time you focus with the ball," I defended my stupid habit.
"It's not a bad thing, Auni," he whispered back, looking down at me on his chest. "We all have our stupid focus habits, yours just doesn't mess up photos like mine does."
"What's luke's then?" I quickly asked, wanting to understand how it was a normal thing. I rolled over on him so I was facing him again in his grip.
"I don't know," he laughed as he looked down at me. "My eyes were on a different hemmings if you couldn't tell."
I rolled my eyes at him, falling back down against him to look back up to the tv. hH moved a little so I could slip between him and the back of the couch easier, slipping his hand back below his shirt covering my skin again.
"It's not a bad thing, Auni," he whispered as I refocused on the tv. "I only noticed because I studied your body language for so long."
"Why?" I asked before I could stop myself.
He quickly looked away from me, his heart thumping louder beneath my ear.
"I don't know," he stuttered. "Just something about you pulled me in and I could never get enough until I had you."
"Is that why you called me last night?" I blurted out before I could stop myself, my trust issues showing through.
"What do you mean?" he asked back, looking genuinely confused.
"Nevermind." I felt myself close off, leaning back down to hide my expression as the voice in the back of my head started repeating 'he's only using you' in my ear.
"Angel," he sighed from above me, trying to move so he could see me again. "I hate when you do that."
"What?" I whispered back against his chest, staying put to avoid his eyes. I knew mine had glossed over, and I wasn't ready to let him back in yet.
"When you close off like that when you genuinely want to know something," he explained to me, his voice delicate with my emotions. "It makes me feel like you don't trust me enough to actually tell me what you're thinking."
"Cause I don't," I spoke before I could bite my tongue.
It was true, I still didn't trust him, and I wasn't sure how long it would take for that to change. Maybe it never would.
"I know," he sighed, looking back up to the tv as his hand drew a star on my back. "And I want you to."
I felt the inside of my cheek start to taste like blood as I bit it out of habit. I stopped myself, sighing into his neck as I refocused on the episode in front of us.
We sat silently for a moment, both taking in the show in front of us. My mind tried to wander, that voice repeating the same thing over and over again. He's using you. He's using you. He's using you.
But why would he have stopped himself last night had he been using me? He could have just got what he wanted from me and left- but he didn't.
"I called you last night because I don't have anyone else," he finally spoke, looking over to me as my glance shifted to him as he pulled my attention in.
"What do you mean 'you don't have anyone else'?" I questioned. I pushed up off his chest again, straddling his lap as I waited for his response. "You have Andrew, and Mikey, and Luke?"
He sat up farther, pulling me in closer as he did. "I think you've realized by now I'm two very different people based on who is around me," he explained.
I nodded, hating that it was true but it was. I had my ash and Ashton Irwin, and they were two very different people. One danced with me in the kitchen this morning and the other locked me in the chemicals closet to get me to quit his team. One had the authentic green I was learning to trust and the other was that hazel I feared.
"Who I am around you is very different from who I am around everyone else," he told me, his eyes showing that green I knew was truthful. "But when I know I'm not the facade I put on around everyone else, I turned to you, because I know you're the only person who has ever seen me like that, and I know you won't judge me."
I took in his words as his hand rubbed up and down my thigh, pushing the hem of his own shirt on my body out of the way as he did.
"I called you because I trust you with who I actually am, Angel," he explained, watching carefully how I took his words.
"But you were drunk last night, how is that the real you?" I questioned, looking down to his chest as I drew the same pattern he had been drawing on me minutes earlier.
"Because I only drink when I'm trying to drown something out- when I'm scared and vulnerable," he told me, watching me carefully as his words sunk in. "I don't let anyone see me at that point so they don't see any sign of weakness, but I trust you with my emotions, so I called you."
"What would you have done if I hadn't picked up?" I asked, mentally beating myself up for having let it ring out as long as I had knowing what I did now.
"I genuinely wanted to stop the pain I was causing you," he whispered below his breath. "But I didn't know how, so I just wanted to hear your voice."
"I'm sorry," I whispered back, looking up to him.
"Angel, you have nothing to be sorry about," he reassured me. "Just keep showing me bits and pieces of my girl. That's all I want- to truly know you."
I nodded to him, knowing he'd seen more of me than anyone had. I felt the most like myself when I was around him, cause I felt the most happiness when he was within arms reach.
I'd forgotten who I was over the past three months, but being with him put me back together. those moments where I could remember what it felt like to be happy glued me back together, and who I was in those moments was the closest I'd ever get to who I actually was.
But I should have just listened.