Sunday, October 11th- 9:47 a.m.
When I opened my eyes the next morning, I felt that same warmth I had fallen asleep to. Ashton's arms were still wrapped around me, and for the first time, I didn't want to push him away.
The last time I'd woken up with him wrapped around my waist, I couldn't even remember what had happened the night before. Actually knowing now what had happened only made everything harder for me now. I still refused to trust him-- the bad he had done outweighed the good, but he was slowly evening them out, and that scared me more than anything.
I push him away in every way I can, but he always managed to pull me in somehow. Something about him was like a magnet, but we were both supposed to be negatives. We have always pushed away from each other. When did one of us become a positive?
I haven't been able to come to a full conclusion about him since the last time I woke up with him tangled around me. All I knew then was that I didn't want to know what had happened-- the lie in my head was easier to believe than the truth I eventually learned. Looking back, I wish I had just kept believing that lie because it was so much simpler than dissecting the emotions I felt about him now.
All I knew right now was that I didn't hate him like I needed to- nothing more.
I knew that I didn't want to pull away when he tightened his grip on me. I knew that I melted back into his touch as my skin heated at our contact. I knew that the sound of his breathing against my back brought me a level of peace I couldn't explain. I knew the feeling of the warmth wrapped around me made me feel that same contentment I had a few select times before. But I knew I wished I felt numb right now, so I wouldn't have to process what all that meant.
I grabbed my phone off the side table, scrolling through it as he slept soundly behind me. I started by answering my mom, telling her I was okay after I didn't explain why I wasn't coming home last night. Then I went to Snapchat, opening Luke's response to my 'what happened to a 'hem's' secret?'. it was a photo of him copying my expression with 'what happened to you hating ashton?' across the top. I clicked to send a photo back, snapping one quick and almost typing out my message when I realized you could see him behind me.
I swore under my breath as I caught myself, erasing what I had written, and looked back at the photo. You couldn't see much of him behind me, barely enough to even distinguish it was him, but there was one thing very easily visible- my smile.
I used to smile all the time as a kid before my world came crashing down. Once I found alcohol and so many other unhealthy coping mechanisms, every smile I put on was forced... but I didn't force a smile to take that photo to send to Luke. It was a subconscious thing that I had already been doing. I hadn't even adjusted anything when I took it. I just snapped it as soon as it gave me a chance, meaning for the first time, I wasn't faking that smile.
I clicked the save to memories button, pulling the photo away before moving to take another. I zoomed in on my face so nothing behind me was visible, and made a stupid face to distract from the fact I was trying to make everything around me invisible. I clicked the photo button, inspecting the photo to make sure Luke couldn't see anything, deeming it safe before typing out my response. 'i asked first'.
I clicked send, moving to Calum's response to my 'coach kinda made me'. He was making that stupid face he always did when he was suspicious, 'what happened to editing something and making up a lie' typed out above his head.
I did the same thing I had done with the picture to Luke, zooming in close and making a stupid face to distract. 'he had other plans', I typed, clicking send before I felt him move behind me.
I felt his nose subconsciously drug lightly up and down the exposed skin on my neck, his arms pulling me even tighter against him. "Ash, be careful. I can't even breathe," I told him as my hand fell down to where his pulled me into him. The name fell from my lips subconsciously, like I'd used it constantly, and I didn't hate the way it fell off my tongue.
"You're tiny. You'll be fine," he responded, his voice deep and raspy behind my ear from just waking up. I felt my stomach flutter at the sound, and I hated that I couldn't control it, but something about it just did something to me.
I rolled in his grip, making him loosen it at my movement. He laid farther on the pillows than I did, making my eyes align perfectly with his lips. I quickly looked up, watching as he looked down at me too. We laid in silence, but I watched as his signature half-smile pulled on his cheeks. I knew my smile was there too, and I knew it was subconscious. I started to pull away when I knew I was, his smile turning into a shit-eating grin and small laughs as he tried to hold me still. "You're smiling."
"I know," I complained as I pushed against him. "Now let me go."
"Where are you gonna go?" he asked as he released me from his grip. I squirmed away from him, standing up out of the bed as he laughed at me.
"Away from you," I told him. He laughed and rolled onto his back, mustering up the energy to get up too. He sat up in the bed, looking across the room at me as I switched from his sweats into my spandex. I was warm now that morning had come, he'd made sure of that.
"You don't actually want to go away from me," he laughed as he stood up too, slowly stretching up and walking towards me. My eyes danced between his and his bare chest. The muscles that lined his front pulled as he stretched his arms above his head, my glance dropping to how dangerously low his shorts had fallen. I mentally traced the way his v-line disappeared into his waistband before remembering who this was. My glance jumped back up to meet his, his eyebrows shooting up at me after catching me checking him out. I shrugged it off knowing I'd caught him in the same act with my body plenty of times before.
"Wanna put money on it?" I mocked back, laughing to myself as I pulled up my Nike Pros, changing the focus of the conversation.
I looked up at him as I spoke, watching his expression change. It caught me off guard. We'd been joking but his expression completely dropped at my words. Did he really fear me wanting away from him that bad?
"I- I was kidding, Ash," I whispered as I watched him walk back the way he'd come, not getting any closer to me.
"I know you were," he said back, grabbing his phone off the table. I wanted to ask why he'd locked his jaw in anger and his eyes glassed over in that moment, but I let it slide, still hearing the slightest bit of anger in his voice.
"You want food?" he asked as he started towards the door.
"Uh, yeah. Sure," I told him, still on edge at how easily he'd shifted- I didn't like this version of him. I watched him turn and walk out of the room, so I leaned down and grabbed my phone.
I was going to follow him but decided to give him a second. That Ashton wasn't the one I'd started to think about trust. That was the Ashton who'd made my whole life a living hell for as long as I can remember. I remade the bed to distract myself, putting the bralette that had sat on the floor from the night before back on under my sweatshirt. Once nothing was left that I could do, I drug myself out to Ashton in the kitchen.
"There isn't really anything in here that we can make," he told me when he noticed my presence behind him. I walked up to the counter near the cabinets he was looking through, pulling myself up to sit on it. "We can just get something on the way through town."
"I'm fine. You can just take me home," I told him, growing more defensive at his continued tone.
"Okay," he responded shortly. "Get your shit together then."
Something about the way he was talking to me and his body language pissed me off. I didn't like this version of him, and it scared me more that I had ever thought of trusting him. All I had said was a joke, not even a mean one either. I constantly joked about hating him, because there was a large part of me that still did, and he knew that. I couldn't figure out what had all of a sudden changed. But that seemed to be the question I always fell back to. What all of a sudden changed?
Rather than thinking about it for too long, I snapped myself back to reality, looking over at him across the kitchen. "You didn't really give me any warning," I told him, my snarky personality starting to show through. "All my 'shit' is already together. What I have right now is all I brought."
He shook his head, walking away from me and back into the bedroom. He shut the door behind him, leaving me in the main area alone. I pulled my phone from my pocket, falling back to that photo from earlier when he was still asleep.
He looked so different- less guarded- but I still couldn't figure out what I did to set him off so badly. I hadn't seen this version of him since the night I had come home and he was in my bed. Even then there was something different though, like the side of him I was finally starting to think about trusting was breaking through. But right now, that side of him was locked in the depths of hell.
I guess there was more to Ashton Irwin than I thought.
I guess we all actually do have our secrets.