"The countrymen of Jesus were fuming angry at him. Why were they angry? Because Jesus said, destroy this temple."
It's Sunday at napagpasyahan kong magsimba. Katabi ko ngayon ang anak kong si Luna na taimtim ding nakikinig sa homily ni Father Soc. Sa bandang unahan kami pumwesto, sapat na para marinig ang mga pangaral niya ngayong araw na ito.
"Ganito po 'yon. May tatlong ipinagyayabang ang tatlong hudyo. Ang una ay hari. Ang pangalawa ay lupa. At ang pangatlo ay templo."
It was four years already since that incident happened.
Ang daming nagbago. At kasabay ng pagbabagong 'yon ay marami akong napagnilay-nilayan. Mga bagay na napagtantong hindi ko akalaing makakayanan ko. Mga bagay na hindi ko akalaing malalampasan ko.
"Every Jew is proud of this three things. And why were the jews are angry when Jesus said destroy this temple? Because at that time, the land is occupied by the Romans. Because at that time, the kingdom was divided. And therefore, they only have one reason for being proud- the temple."
My Luna has just graduated from elementary school as the class valedictorian. Alam kong sa lahat ng pagbabagong nangyari- siya 'yong pinakanaapektuhan. At bilang isang ina, wala nang mas sasakit pa na makita mo ang sarili mong anak na nasasaktan.
That day, I made a biggest decision of my life- and I chose to let him go.
"Now, what is this saying to us? Before you judge the jews for being so unreasonable- I will ask you. What do you do, when something very precious to you is removed from you?"
My reverie was quickly interrupted when Father Soc said that. Si Argel ang unang pumasok sa isip ko nang marinig ang tanong na 'yon.
"Siyempre magagalit tayo. Masasaktan at sisisihin natin ang Diyos! Magagalit tayo sa mga nangyayari! Magkikimkim at magtatampo kapag hindi nasunod ang gusto natin, ang plano natin!"
I can't help but to smile. Ganyang ganyan ang naramdaman ko noon. I always pray to asked God, bakit kailangan kong pagdaanan lahat ng sakit?
Na bakit kailangan niya pang alisin sa buhay ko si Argel? Bakit kahit anong gawin ko, pilit siyang kumakawala sa'kin? Bakit hindi pwede na maging masayang pamilya nalang kami?
"But my dear brothers and sisters, it is good to be reminded today- that everything you loved will be taken away from you."
Something pierced my heart upon hearing his words. Everything I love will be taken away from me?
"Everybody you loved, will be taken away from you. Everything. Everybody you hold precious, will be removed from you."
His words lingered in my mind. Paulit-ulit na rumerehistro sa utak ko lahat ng mga sinabi niya. It was a painful reality. Parang sinampal sa'kin ang lahat ng katotohanang matagal ko nang hinahanapan ng kasagutan.
"Why? There is only one answer. They are not God."
Huminto ito saglit sa pagsasalita at naglakad sa harapan.
"They are not God and therefore they will be removed from us- because at the end of it all, only God will remain with us. Because when things become too much special from us, and we hold on to them very tightly- they actually become our Gods."
Malalim akong bumuntong hininga. Bakit pakiramdam ko, para sa'kin ang homily na 'to? Bakit parang ramdam na ramdam ko 'yong sakit habang pinapakinggan siya? Nasasaktan ako sa katotohanan e. And to be honest, sobra akong naguilty no'ng marinig ko 'yon.
Kaya ba tinanggal siya ni Lord sa buhay ko? Kasi mas minamahal ko na si Argel nang higit pa sa Kanya?
"But the beautiful thing is this- once they've been destroyed, once they've been taken away from us, they will return to us in a new form brought back by God. And when God brings them- persons and things, will return to us differently.. because we now see them as less precious than God."
Nagkaroon ako ng maraming realizations. Sa hindi malamang dahilan ay naiyak ako. Naramdaman ko naman si Luna na hinawakan ang kamay ko. I saw concern on her eyes kaya agad kong pinunasan 'yon. I smiled to assure her that I'm okay.
"'Wag magalit- tanggapin. At lahat.. lahat. Aalisin sa'tin, sapagkat hindi sila Diyos. At kapag nawala na ang lahat sa atin, iisa lang ang matitira. Mas matibay pa sa adobe. Mas matibay pa sa pinakamatibay na bundok. And now, we will be standing on our bedrock, solid rock- it is the Lord."
Natapos ang homily ni Father, pero hindi pa din maalis sa isipan ko lahat ng mga pangaral niya. Gulantang pa din ang sistema ko, hanggang sa makauwi kami ni Luna sa bahay.
Napatulala ako habang pinagmamasdan ang anak ko. Ang laki ng pagbabago sa kanya. Hindi na siya 'yong batang masiyahin simula nang tuluyang umalis si Argel sa buhay namin. Tandang tanda ko pa din kung paano siya nagmakaawa sa tatay niya na 'wag kaming iwan at 'wag na itong umalis..
"Daddy, don't leave us! Please po, please daddy I w-will be a good girl na! I w-will do my best to s-study! 'Di na din po ako m-magiging makulit! Daddy, daddy!" She yelled as tears rolled down her cheeks.
Pilit ko naman siyang inilalayo sa tatay niya, pero kahit anong gawin ko ay mahigpit pa din ang kapit niya.
"L-Luna, bitawan mo na si Daddy.. Kailangan niya ng u-umalis.." I stuttered.
"Baby.. you listen to Daddy. I will comeback. Pagdating ko, marami kang pasalubong sa'kin. Kaya be a good girl to your mom, okay?" He kissed the top of her head.
Tumingin din siya sa'kin. "'Wag mong papabayaan ang mommy mo ha? 'Wag mo siya bibigyan ng sakit sa ulo. Make me proud, Luna."
Kumalma naman ang anak ko nang sabihin 'yon ni Argel. Niyakap niya si Luna nang mahigpit, habang tinatagan ko ang loob ko na 'wag umiyak sa harapan niya. He tried to hugged me, pero umiwas ako. I stifled my sobs, ignoring the heavy pain in my chest.
Argel will always be my moon, my greatest love. Pero tulad ng buwan, aalis din siya pagdating ng araw.
As he walked away from us that night, I've come to realize that it's not about who comes first, who always there 24/7.
It's about who he loves more, who holds his heart and who owns his mind. And I'm not her.
Lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na Argel is my greatest love- my moon. But little did I know, he's just my star.
We're both stars placed in different constellations, the reason why we're never meant to align.
As the woman who's done everything to make our relationship work- the sacrifices I've given, the time, the effort that I've poured to make things work and last.. it really just sucks that everything wasn't what I thought it was. Because after a while, I got tired of chasing after him. He made things so hard that I could never catch up. I was trying to force something that just wasn't there.
And along the journey with him, being in a relationship really had thought me one lesson.
And that is to never sacrifice everything you have into uncertainty, because not all things that you worked hard to cherish and treasure will last a lifetime.
But despite of everything, I still want to thank him for giving me the best gift that I could ever have- and that is my daughter, Luna Hiraya. I still want to thank him for everything he put me through, because he helped me grow.
He helped me build the woman I am today and remind me of the woman I'll never be again.
I'll never regret meeting him. He was the best mistake I ever made. All the tears I shed, all the time I lost, and the overthinking I did weren't in vain because they taught me to never give my love out so freely ever again.
"Mommy, why are you crying? Let's eat na, lalamig na 'yong food." Luna hugged me tightly. Hinalikan ko naman ang pisngi niya.
"Don't cry na, I'm here naman mommy e and I will never leave you. I love you mom! You're the best woman in the whole universe!"
"I love you more, anak." I responded sincerely at her.
Now I understand, Argel was never mine to begin with because I was destinied for something else. I was destinied to become a loving mother to my daughter- Luna Hiraya.
THE END.