I'll never understand how the educational system expects me to write a 32 mark essay on a poem I have never seen before in 45 minutes.
Just my daily rant.
Ok I'll fuck off now.
Enjoy the chapter. <33
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We couldn't do anything but laugh.
I didn't want to do anything but laugh.
I wouldn't let any other emotion dominate me.
The food we consumed was desirable and the atmosphere in this room was as close to perfect as it could have ever been.
I suppressed all of my destructive emotions.
I told myself that I wouldn't learn to love the sadness when the only version of love he taught me was excitement.
"Remember when Christian accidentally set off a bomb?" Adriano adds to the laughter.
"I don't think that was accidental. He tried to disarm it. I should have known better." My father chuckles.
At least no one was hurt.
I hope?
I wanted to engage in the conversation but I felt that if I had to say the words 'remember when' I'll start crying and I don't think I know how to stop.
Dominico held my hand the whole time.
The look in his eyes proved that I wasn't the only one hurting but his grip in mine was enough to give me the strength to survive another night.
I can only hope he's okay too.
"Okay but didn't you send a false missile alert to the American embassy?" Christian raises his eyebrow at Adriano.
"It was actually a nuclear missile." Adriano happily smiles.
I should be shocked.
Why am I not shocked?
The smiles on this table were so contagious that I couldn't feel anything but happiness. If that even still exists.
And I knew that if I came to tears they would be of happiness.
"Are we not going to talk about the time Diego and Xavier stole a wheelchair from a hospital and it made national headlines?" I add.
"I still don't see what we did wrong." Diego rolls his eyes.
Neither do I buddy.
"That reminds me." My father stands exiting the room momentarily.
We all remain silent until he returns carrying a large box wrapped in expensive pure white material tied with a black bow that is draped with pure gold.
"I wanted to do this when everyone was here." He tells us.
Walking over to the other inside of the table, he hands the elegant looking present to my eldest brother.
In shock he stares at my father and then back down upon it.
"It was always you. It will always be you." My father quietly enlightens him and I see a small smile on the corner of Christian's mouth.
He slowly but delicately unravels the packaging and removes the heavy top from it.
Our eyes widen at the site of it.
It was a grande black, white and gold sceptre. It looked abnormally heavy yet Christian lifted it up with such ease.
"I know that you will never disappoint me. This Mafia is yours, if you want it."
Were we astonished? Yes but surprised? No.
There was no one more deserving of the role of capo than Christian.
Amongst all of us he was the hardest worker and I don't think anyone could have been prouder.
Although I know he was ecstatic to gain this role, I knew the circumstances in which it came under would not have satisfied him.
The air was bitter-sweet. Just a little more bitter than usual.
I stared at the family heirloom on my finger as our memories begin to rush back to me. I'd do anything to feel that level of alive again.
Minus the fact that I got put in a coma the day I received this ring.
Very alive of you Sienna!
I felt the need to divert my attention away from it as every second that went by was another trying to reel me into a darkness that I am incapable of escaping.
My guess is the sight of this minuscule ring was enough to drive my mind to an untamed level as I felt his hand grip mine tighter reassuring my every action.
"Everything will be fine."
I don't know how he said those words with so much confidence but if anything, he had my trust and I had no other option but to believe him.
Dread overcame me when the meal alas came to an end. Though the stillness of us was unnatural, we didn't want to go anywhere, if anything I think we desired to live in this moment forever.
If there were ever a moment in which I could pause time it would be right now. I'd breathe the same air a million times as long as it meant I could do it with him. My father.
But time was never our friend.
Watching as one by one, the table grew deserted and I was left alone. I couldn't bring myself to leave perhaps this is the only control I have over time.
Perhaps if I stay here life would move slower.
Stripping myself of the ring on my finger, my fathers ring. I place it on the table in front of me and stare. Simply keeping my eyes plastered on the beautiful pile of heap.
Why must it be like this?
We're the Mafia, all we know is survival.
I felt my sinuses tighten and I knew the urge to cry was there. There will always be an urge to cry at the thought of my father: I don't think it will ever become the normal.
"You're thinking too hard." Escobar interrupts me.
How can I do anything but think?
My words fumble in my brain leaving me nothing but the ability to look up with broken eyes.
Why is my pain hurting him more than his own?
"Follow me." He demands saying nothing else yet exiting the room.
Now isn't the time to ply follow the leader El Chapo.
...
"I could've drove." I tell my father who is speeding down the highway.
"I'm not an incapable infant Sienna. Don't treat me like one." He aggressively warns me.
He was right.
I was just frightened.
"Where are we going?" I ask him in attempt to divert the subject.
"You've never been to the lake house. I ought to take you for your first time!" He smiles his attention more on the road.
And his last.
I had heard stories about that place a multitude of times so much so that I am convinced I'm officially traumatised.
If I were younger I highly doubt that I would be safe in that hell with my brothers.
Maybe it's a good thing I missed out on a childhood?
The drive was long and...silent. I hated that we were quiet because every moment without communication felt like a million years had gone to waste.
But nothing was good enough, he deserved more than this.
Ok he is a psychotic, aggressive serial killer.
Yet that is only what the outside world sees. People didn't know the father he was or the way he loved me and taught me how to love myself in ways my mother had stripped me of.
No one knew him like I did.
Creaking of the hand break alerted me that we had arrived and I took a glimpse of what I had only previously seen in photos.
I recognised the scenery from the few paintings and pictures around my house. They were all too familiar to me.
Cautiously I walked up to the house with my father by my side.
"This seems like a horror movie and I refuse to be one of those whores who stay in the house after there is blatant supernatural activity." I warn him.
If I see so much as a door move unprovoked I'm leaving, with or without him.
"Get in the house child." He shoves me in causing me to stumble over the little step at the entrance.
Well fuck you too Escobar.
Calling this mansion a lake house would be an understatement to say the least. Though there was definitely a homely vibe to it. I was smacked in the face by a sudden warmth as soon as I entered.
Decoration was not taken lightly, there was so much elegance.
"Want to see my favourite part?" He asks drawing me out of my thoughts with a massive smile draped across his face.
Stefano walks in front of me as I slowly follow behind him still taking in the shock of how beautiful this place was.
You see if I had to be on life lockdown like my mother put me on, this is the first place I would have chosen.
I am led through double sliding doors and my mouth drops to the floor along with every part of my body exaggerating a shocked feeling.
I mean it is called a 'lake house' for a reason
Yet apparently, when I caught site of the clear, glistening lake combined with the primrose trees astonishment took over.
He smiled at my reaction, he's been smiling a lot recently and I wasn't sure whether that was a good thing.
Though I'd be lying to say it didn't warm my heart. There was some happiness in him- something I had never really seen before.
We walked onto the wooden deck as the breeze got stronger and the lake began to ripple slightly.
I sat on the bench and he sat beside me.
My fingers brushed over the carvings that had been indented by the boys from their youth.
Dominico's one particularly stood out to me. I'm not even surprised, anything he does stands out to me.
It was his handwriting, the cursive yet slanted letters were so elegant .
It's literally just writing Sienna.
Shut up he's hot.
We look ahead at the sun that has almost set amongst us.
"What am I supposed to do after you're gone?" I finally build the strength to ask.
"Live until you die." He bluntly answers.
Well that was so helpful!
Mortified wasn't the word, anxiety embodies me at the idea of trying to live a life without him.
"What? How do I even-." I stutter.
He looks at me in awe, "You lived 18 years without me. You don't need me Sienna."
But, I do.
"I found you again, I can die in peace. You have everything your heart desires, find peace in that cara. You will be ok, I promise you that." He holds my hand reassuring my fears.
I can convince myself of that now but waking up every morning and watching that empty seat at the table will break me into a million irreplaceable pieces.
I am certain that I can't ever be at peace without my father.
"I have something for you." He tells me handing me a white envelope.
Cautiously, I unravel it pulling out the papers inside. With further inspection I notice ID's holding my face yet a different name?
"This life was never your choice, if you ever want out then I've sorted a life for you where you'll be protected and safe forever."
I look at him, tears fulfilled in my eyes, "For now I'm a Mafia Princess and I desire to be nothing less."
It was true, I wanted nothing but to carry on the legacy he created.
He chuckles at my choice, I'm sure he was proud of it. Proud of me.
The night embraced us slowly yet we sat there, still and silent.
"There's something about the stars that I have always loved." He tells me.
"What is it?" I quietly ask.
"They make me feel alive." He mutters weakly.
I chuckle slightly before reverting to enjoying the view with my father.
I hated how I didn't know what to feel, I wanted to feel something yet I couldn't. I couldn't be happy nor sad. I was just empty.
"Dad." I call a while after.
Silence.
"Dad." I repeat once again.
"Da-." I begin yet the words turn to short, broken breaths.
Closing my eyes realising that deep down inside I knew the truth.
His hand was no longer holding mine but held up by the grip of my own.
He was still and silent.
I couldn't bring myself to look at him and I couldn't bring myself to scream out.
He wouldn't want that.
My cries were silent, crying to the lake. Watching as the ripples got fiercer and the wind got stronger.
I tossed my head back to the sky, tears streaming down my face.
We had a weird relationship, me and the stars. I was supposed to hate them yet now that I'm looking into the bursts of light above all I can think of is my father.
And how he loved them.
All I see in the stars is him.
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I cried writing this.
Please don't hate me it was his time.
Actually I kind of like it when yall hate me :))
Also can I ask for a favour?
Can yall spam THE FUCK out of the votes.
Like deadass just go to random chapters and VOTE TF out of them.
Please and thank youuu. <3
I'll try and update either tomorrow or the day after.
Until next time,
Enjoy xxx