I'm gone until I'm within you, there is no better place that I've been to.
September 3, 1990
"Jesus is just all right with me! Jesus is just alright, oh yeeaaahhhh!"
Sydney smiled to herself at Chris's ridiculous improvisation as she entered the stage at the end of their final show of the tour. They were all beyond exhausted but they had managed to put on one hell of a last show before getting to rest for a few weeks. It was an important show, and their largest audience to date. An estimated twelve thousand people had attended tonight's Bumbershoot performance back home in Seattle. It had been such a surreal experience that even Sydney doubted she would manage to sleep much tonight after all the excitement. Beginning the first steps of gear breakdown, she eventually felt Chris wrap his sweaty body around hers.
"Oh, no!" She squealed as he lifted her off her feet.
He knew she hated it when he did that, but he didn't care. Messing with her still brought him joy. When he set her down she glared up at him, but he laughed at the smile she was trying to hide.
"I'm not sure why you'd think I want to spend the next hour packing up all this crap while drenched in your sweat, Christopher." She scolded.
"I could help you clean up when we get home tonight." He suggested mischievously.
She regarded him for a moment with narrowed eyes. Watching her think about it with her hands stubbornly on her hips, his smile only grew. It was impossible how cute she could be. With an exaggerated sigh she shrugged, surprising him.
"Yeah okay."
Smiling from ear to ear he caught Gunny's eye from where he stood a little ways behind her, tearing down Matt's drum kit. Their friend shook his head and laughed, and when Sydney realized he'd heard their whole exchange she blushed fiercely and buried herself in her work. They made excellent time putting everything where it belonged with the help of the event staff, and Sydney sank leisurely into the passenger seat of Chris's car as they made their way home at last. They had spent the night last night in their own home as well, but they had been so exhausted that it almost didn't even feel like they'd been home at all.
Their ears were still ringing as they walked through the front door and greeted Bill, whose tail wagged excitedly. The house was strangely quiet after having spent the last four months of almost continuous shows trying to make as much noise as possible. Sydney wasted no time getting to the bathroom and stripping off her sweat soaked clothes, turning the shower knobs on hot. Sighing happily when she stepped beneath the stream, she let her eyes flutter closed. When she heard Chris enter the bathroom, she kept them closed still.
He climbed into the shower behind her, and immediately her heart began to thud against her chest. When she felt his hands gently slide down the sides of her small waist and then over her toned belly, she leaned back into his body. She could feel his partially erect bulge against her back, and it didn't help her racing pulse one bit. Just as he had done for her so many times after her return home months ago, he grabbed the bottle of shampoo and gently worked the suds through her long blonde curls. It was soothing, the way he took such attentive care of her even when he didn't need to.
Chris was mesmerized, watching the suds that she rinsed from her hair roll languidly down her body. It was difficult to keep his hands to himself as the water cascaded off of her hardened nipples and carved into the chiseled lines of her hips. She was impossibly beautiful, and he wondered what he ever did to deserve her. When her eyes opened and her cheeks blushed upon the realization that he'd been staring, he pulled her close and kissed her deeply. Her lips parted, and when his tongue danced over hers it was like an electric jolt of lightning shooting from wherever their bodies met going straight to her core.
He felt the way she had suddenly come alive under his touch, and he needed more. His need for her was made obvious by the hardening of his impressive length now pressed against her belly, and Sydney nearly forgot how to breathe when his kisses trailed hot down her neck. A small moan escaped her lips before she could stop it, and he took that as a good sign. Reaching behind her, he shut off the water before grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her body.
Once they were out of the tub he swept her up into his arms and kissed her, over and over again. She was like a drug, so addicting that he wondered if he could ever get enough. He stumbled toward their bedroom, using one arm to feel his way there while his other arm kept her pressed safely and securely to his body. He tripped over his own boots that he'd left sitting beside the bed, and they fell hard to the mattress. Chris was thankful when she laughed, using that moment to plant kisses over her collar bone and down toward her breasts.
"Chris..." she breathed, her eyes fluttering closed.
Her tone sounded pleased, so he slowly continued his way down her body. She squirmed as he nibbled at her hip bones, barely able to contain herself. Fireworks seemed to be exploding inside of her body, set ablaze by his lips and his hands. When he kissed the inside of her thigh she gasped, sitting up straight. He pulled away, looking up at her blushing face.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"Nothing... I-I've never... I mean... nobody has ever... you know." She stuttered, her nerves working double time.
His brows furrowed. Surely she couldn't mean what he thought she meant. Her face, however, revealed the truth. Nobody had ever pleased her in that way before... and Chris was more than happy to be her first. He placed his hands on either side of her face and pulled her in for a sweet kiss.
"Just trust me. Let me take care of you." He implored, gazing up into her deep green eyes with his forehead pressed to hers.
"Okay. I trust you." She whispered.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
That was all he needed to hear.
***
Birds chirping outside of the open bedroom window eventually roused Chris from a deep sleep. He blinked a few times against the grey light that filled the room, looking up at the clock on Sydney's nightstand. It was nearly ten o'clock in the morning, and his stomach rumbled angrily. Gazing down at the beautiful and naked blonde clutched tightly in his arms he smiled. The memories of the previous night floated lazily back into his brain, and he sighed happily up at the ceiling. Being with Sydney had been more than he had imagined. While their time together had been a little shy and tentative, it hadn't been awkward. It was clear now that they had been made for each other. There was so much trust and familiarity between them that it had seemed natural, albeit earth-changing.
Slowly he eased his arm from beneath her head, drinking in the deep breath she took as she settled against the pillows. For a few more moments he looked down upon her, so vulnerably and beautifully laying beside him. He loved her so much that it ached. It still amazed him that they could be together now after such a long time of denying how they really felt. The last two years had been such a rush of highs and lows and everything in between, and it finally felt like it had all fallen in place. Now that they had crossed that line of intimacy he knew that there was no way he could ever be with anyone else. She was perfect for him, and he only hoped that he could be just as good of a fit for her.
He snuck out of the room to start breakfast, starting with a pot of coffee. As it began to brew, he turned to the fridge and suddenly realized that he didn't have anything to make breakfast with. Grabbing his keys and Bill, he ran to the nearest convenience store and got a loaf of bread, eggs, sausage and milk. He returned to the house and flipped on the radio, cooking and bobbing his head to the music.
Sydney awoke to the smell of sausage and coffee. It took her a few moments to realize that she was at home, in her bed. A bed which she had shared with Chris the previous night in the most intimate way. She smiled to herself, taking a deep breath and stretching her tired muscles as the memory of his body within her own floated through her mind. Never in a million years would she have thought that sex could be so damn intoxicating. She understood now why people obsessed over it. Chris had been so attentive, so sweet. So damn perfect. Never in a million years would she have thought that she could love him more than she already did, but her heart was so full this morning that she felt as if she could explode. He showed her things that she had never experienced before, made her feel things she hadn't ever felt.
Throwing the blankets off of her legs, she pressed her bare feet to the cold floor and grabbed one of Chris's tee shirts from the closet before sliding in to her slippers. She snuck downstairs quietly, smiling to herself as she heard him singing along with the radio.
"Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah on a blanket with my baby is where I'll be."
She leaned against the doorframe a moment to watch him as he cooked. Bill gave her away though, tail wagging eagerly as he got up and went to her. She scratched him behind his ears as Chris turned, smiling.
"Hey, good morning. I was going to bring you breakfast in bed." He said, wrapping his arms around her waist.
"That's sweet of you." She said, feeling a blush in her cheeks.
The memories of their closeness the night before made her feel shy. Thankfully, he kissed her so deeply that she forgot to care about being timid. She forgot about everything except the way his hands quickly found their way under his shirt and clutched her bare backside. Her legs wrapped around his waist as he lifted her into his arms, the plates he'd prepared for them temporarily abandoned. She wanted him, and she could tell he wanted her too. Electric sparks seemed to ignite from her fingertips that held tight to his strong shoulders, a sigh of relief escaping her lips as he entered her once again.
***
September 26th, 1990
"Hey, look who it is." Stone smiled at Sydney as she entered the little basement in Belltown that she knew the Mother Love Bone guys still rehearsed in.
"Sydney! You and Chris finally decide to rejoin the living?" Jeff teased.
"Shut up, Jeffrey." Sydney teased back.
"Seriously, I didn't think we were going to see you guys ever again now that you two finally hooked up." Stone continued.
"Well, we all have to take a break sooner or later, don't we?" She returned, causing them both to laugh.
"Fair enough. Although, if I got to sleep with Chris I don't think I'd ever let him rest."
It was Sydney's turn to laugh, shaking her head. Stone really was a clown. He and Jeff together were even worse. She had missed them, even though it was strange to see them without Andy.
"Sydney, this is our friend Mike McCready. Mike, this is our friend Sydney. She's the guitar tech for Soundgarden."
Sydney smiled at the newcomer, grateful that Jeff introduced her as Soundgarden's tech and not just Chris's girlfriend. The surprise on his face was apparent as he waved at her, offering her a small smile. He had a guitar in his hands, and Sydney wondered what they were up too.
"You guys putting a band together?" She asked.
"Thinking about it. We definitely aren't done making music, and Mike really seems to know his way around a guitar." Jeff replied.
"That's awesome. Are Bruce and Greg in on it too?"
"No, I don't think so. I think Mother Love Bone died along with Andy."
There was a short moment of silence as they remembered their late friend. Stone and Jeff had been present in Andy's hospital room the day he died. It had been a heartbreaking and intimate time that they all shared, and things felt a lot different now. Seattle just wasn't the same without the Love Child. Finally, Sydney shook off the painful memories and recalled why she was there in the first place.
"Hey. So, I know you guys are probably super busy with stuff, but I had an idea. Well, no, not me... it was entirely Chris's idea... but he's worried you guys will think he's an asshole."
"Seriously?" Jeff smiled.
"Yeah. See, he's really been through it this last year, and after Andy passed he wrote a couple of songs. Chris thinks about him a lot, just like we all do... but he has this pull to do something in his honor. These songs definitely don't fit in with Soundgarden, and he's mentioned how cool it might be to do some kind of collab with you guys as some sort of tribute or something. He's just too shy to ask you. I made a copy of that tape he's been carrying around for weeks now and I figured that at the very least I could drop it off with you guys. You can listen to it, see what you think. If you're not feeling it, then no harm done. If you like them, which I think you will, then call him up and let's see what happens?"
Stone and Jeff looked at each other a moment, eventually breaking out into matching smiles.
"You're saying that Chris Cornell was too shy to call us to ask if we wanted to collab with him in honor of Andy?" Stone asked.
"Well... yeah."
"I'm down already and I haven't even heard them yet."
Sydney laughed, digging the tape from her back pocket and handing it over.
"I wrote our new phone number on the insert. We'll be home all evening if you have time to listen and decide to give him a call."
"I would hate to interrupt you two getting acquainted with one another." Stone joked.
"Oh, trust me. We've become very acquainted with each other. But, just in case... we do have an answering machine." Sydney shot back.
They all laughed again. They liked this version of Sydney. She seemed so much more carefree around them than she had in the past. They didn't know very much about what had happened between her and her ex boyfriend, but they had noticed that she and Chris hadn't shown their faces around town hardly at all since she had returned from California.
"Alright, I'm leaving. I can't handle the two of you any longer. Mr. McCready, don't let them mess with you too much, okay?"
"I'll try. Nice to meet you Sydney."
"You too."
She nodded before quickly letting herself out of the little basement and back up to the street. Climbing back into Chris's car that she had borrowed, she paused a moment. Taking a deep breath, she hoped that Chris wouldn't be upset with her for giving them his tape. He hadn't ever really been legitimately mad at her before, and the anxiety she felt about it now settled in like old, familiar dust.
She drove to Pike Place, taking a brief stroll through the busy market. She loved it here. Ever since she was little she had loved coming here. It was about as far from the lonely beach town where she grew up as it could get, with its bustling vendors and busy locals. Grabbing herself a large container of raspberries and and even larger bouquet of orange and yellow flowers, she finally decided it was time to go home.
Pulling the car into the driveway as the sun was starting to make it's descent from the sky, she got out and gathered her things. She made her way up the concrete steps and into the front door. The house was quiet.
"Chris?" She called.
There was no answer. Kicking off her shoes, she headed into the kitchen to set the berries and the flowers on the countertop. Savory smells enticed her from the oven, and when her gaze fell out the window over the small back yard, she smiled to herself. Chris was playing a rough and tumble game of fetch with Bill, and her worries were temporarily forgotten as she watched them wrestle. She wondered if there would ever be a time in her life where she wouldn't feel like she had somehow been blessed with this life that she didn't deserve. Not only did she live in a real house, like an actual adult, but she had a man that loved her and took care of her heart. He didn't ever belittle her, or put her down, or call her names... and he had never, ever hit her. Not a shove, a slap, or pulled hair.
None of this stopped her hands from shaking as she found a pitcher to put the flowers in since they didn't own a vase. The memories of Adam's voice screaming in her ears quickly became all she could hear. His voice telling her that she wasn't good for anything, that she was stupid. She set the pitcher of flowers on the counter and splashed the water from the faucet on her face, trying to drown out the screaming in her head. Her heart raced as she worried that he would hate her for taking such personal songs he had written and giving them away. Struggling to draw air into her lungs, she shut off the water and pressed her warm forehead to the cool edge of the sink.
"Baby?"
Chris's voice nearby startled her so bad that she cried out, her whole body going rigid in anticipation of an incoming blow that never came. Breathing ragged, she looked up at him through her tunneled vision. He wasn't Adam. He was Chris... her Chris. Her best friend that she knew so well. He held his arms open and she fell into him, his scent and his familiarity instantly working their calming effects over her. It became easier to breathe with each passing moment. He didn't ask her any questions, or get upset. Genuine worry and concern showed plainly on his features, and he held her gently. Once her breathing slowed a little, she tried to explain.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I made a mistake and I totally get it if you hate me for it."
"Sydney Lee... I could never hate you. Never."
The phone rang just then, and Sydney looked alarmed. Tears rolled down her cheeks and he made no move whatsoever to answer the call.
"I think that's for you. You should answer it." She whispered.
"They can leave a message."
"No, please. Just answer it. I'll talk to you after."
"Syd-"
"Please, Chris, just answer it. I'll be upstairs when you're done."
"Okay..."
He was confused as she pulled away, wiping tears from her cheeks as she disappeared. Walking over to the phone that was hung on the wall, he picked it up.
***
Chris tiptoed upstairs to their bedroom, listening for sounds of Sydney moving about as he approached. It was silent, which meant that she surely heard him coming. He pushed open the door and his heart broke, seeing her hugging her knees in the middle of the floor. She had tear stains on her cheeks and it tore him apart just as it always did when she was sad. He sat on the floor beside her and pulled her into his arms.
"What's wrong, baby?" He asked after awhile.
"Who... who was that on the phone?" She asked, wiping at her eyes and looking up at him.
"I figured you already knew." He pointed out, still confused.
Her heart fluttered strangely, trying to read him. He didn't seem angry. Taking another deep breath, she decided to just confess what she had done.
"I made a copy of your tape and brought it to Jeff and Stone today."
All her words came out jumbled together and, to her surprise, he smiled.
"That's what Jeff said."
"Are you angry with me?"
"What? Why would I be angry with you?"
Sydney was shocked. She had no idea how to respond. A more appropriate question, in her own mind, would have been how wasn't he angry with her?
"I-I took your songs and I... I gave them to Stone and Jeff."
"And?" He asked.
She didn't anything, looking bewildered. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. It was then that Chris guessed at a possibility as to why she was so upset.
"Sydney Lee..." he began. "You went out on a huge limb for me today. I was too afraid to approach them, so I have you to thank for going to them and talking with them about the songs I wrote."
Her eyes finally met his, her heart rate finally returning to normal. Chris was not angry with her, not even a little. In fact, he seemed almost excited aside from his worry over her and her episode that she was having.
"So... you're not mad at me?" She asked again.
Her voice was so timid and vulnerable that he couldn't help but to pull her in for a tight hug. It made him happy when he heard her sigh in relief and relax her body into his.
"I'm not mad at you at all, Sydney Lee. You did today exactly what I wished I could do. You believed in me. That means more to me than you realize, I think."
"I've always believed in you, Christopher. From the second I heard your voice I've believed in you. I hate that you don't always believe in yourself." She confessed.
"We talked about making an album. What do you think about that?" He asked, changing the subject.
"I think that it's possible. I'd definitely listen to it. What do you think?"
"I think I want to do it."
"Okay. Then let's see where this goes."
"Alright."
It was quiet again as she pressed her forehead to his shoulder. He held her close, leaving soft kisses on top of her head and trailing his fingertips lightly up and down her arm.
"Syd?"
"Hmm?"
He tilted her chin up to look her in the eyes.
"You know that I would never hurt you, right? Even if I was mad at you?"
"I know." She whispered.
"Then what happened down there?"
"I don't know. I just heard his voice in my head, screaming at me the way that he did. He would get right in my face and scream so loud it hurt my ears. I just... I saw you and Bill playing and I felt so lucky to have you. Then I heard Adam telling me that I didn't deserve it, that I'm stupid for thinking that I could actually be this happy. I'm just some stupid nobody that grew up in a shitty motor home in a shitty town. I never even had a real bed in my whole life until Adam came along and gave me one. I'm a joke. I don't deserve you or this life you've given me."
"Woah, Syd. I need to stop you there."
She looked up at him again, and he looked upset.
"I didn't give you anything. You worked damn hard to get where you are now. You know what I do? I think of shit, I write it down, and then I repeat that shit to a crowd of people while making an ass of myself. I got lucky. But you... I've literally watched you claw your way from the bottom as a little nineteen year old girl who was determined to prove herself, into a woman who defines what hard work looks like. I've seen you lay out a stage with precise skill even when you're dead tired. I've seen you command the respect of grown ass men who are still learning to do things you have already perfected. You got yourself here without anyone else's help, and you deserve to be happy. I'm just glad you finally chose to be happy with me."
Sydney let out a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob, laying her hand on his cheek as he pressed his forehead to hers.
"I love you, Chris."
"I love you too, Sydney."
Hello again! I don't have much to say tonight, I feel this chapter speaks for itself. I didn't want this book to be smutty... so I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone that is here for that. To me it almost felt distasteful to even try, so I figured I would leave most of that to the imagination. Please let me know if you're liking this story. I know it deals with some heavy subjects, but such is life. Times were so different back then when it came to mental health, domestic violence and the ability to speak openly about it. I often wonder about the possibility of who may have chosen to stay alive if asking for help wasn't such a foreign idea. Part of the reason I finally chose to publish the parts of this book I had already written and to keep writing it is because it's my weird way of trying to end that stigma that mental health, loss, suicidal ideation, addiction, and abuse can bring to the table. If you are struggling with any of those things, please reach out. If you haven't found your purpose here on earth, then it just means you need to keep searching. There is only one you, and believe it or not we all have our unique fingerprint to leave behind on this earth. I guess I had more to say than I thought... Thank you for reading, I appreciate you!