CHAHAT: longing
Four years later
"Muma..." a small voice called from a distance grabbing my attention from the chopping the vegetables. I was trying to prepare the new recipe I had learned online. "See to that you put this chopping once all the spices are done," I informed the cook assisting me.
Her old figure allowed her to pass me a small smile. I felt guilty for asking her to work at such an old age. Years back after a few months of my arrival, I had asked Yash to remove her from the job but he informed me about her financial status and her lack of support system. Her shivering hand were adding one after the other ingredient. As her head nodded in agreement.
"Don't worry Aarohi, you go and manage him." She shook her head in a playful manner. She was much aware of my son's tantrums. I passed her a smile before walking out of the kitchen. My eyes scanned for my bundle of joy. And on landing on the set of black orbs, I sighed in relief. Just a glimpse of those set of familiar orbs and I could feel the presence of Rishi around me.
I couldn't believe four years had crossed by! Four years of Rishi living me alone to survive. I never thought that I could survive without him for a second but I did and the biggest reason was the soul rushing towards me with a frown covering his spirit.
I walked towards him, a beautiful smile playing on my lips. He seemed so cute in that small cute uniform of his. Recently he had started going to school for the initial learning. Though he enjoyed going and meeting new people in the school environment yet it was a task to wake him in the morning. The one trait he was gifted due to me. He hates morning!
"How was your day?" I inquired reaching his height as I kneeled before him.
"Amazing..." his eyes missed the shine it contained. I stared at him keenly what was wrong with him?
"Is something troubling my babu?" I questioned carrying him in my arms while strolling towards the couch where his bag was lying on the floor. I had scolded him enough but the result was the same! The minute he entered the mansion, his school bag would be thrown on the floor. I glared at him eyeing his bag but he overlooked my threat.
"Rohan had gone on a picnic." He muttered frowning once again. I climbed the stairs while listening to him grumbling about his friend's picnic. "They went on his parent's wed..ding... anni..sry..." He fumbled with words attempting to voice it out properly. "What is it, Muma?" he questioned getting curious about the new word he learned.
"Wedding anniversary..." I pronounced it correctly for him while he kept gazing at my lips to understand it. I giggled at his action, getting into his room. I rolled my eyes on finding the room neatly clean, the entire scenario would change within a minute. I made him seat on the bed while I kneeled to remove his pair of shoes. He was curiously staring at me for answers. "Wedding anniversary, is a function of celebrating the day of wedding each year." I attempted to describe him in a less complicated manner. "You remember we attended a function of Uncle Ahmed?" For which he nodded, recollecting it. "It just like that... some gives party while others go on trips or picnic, the way we do for your birthdays." I ended the explanation with a pull on his cheek as I walked towards the wardrobe to grab a new set of clothes but his curious question halted me on the track.
"When is your weding anni...sry, Mumma?" His sudden interrogation made a wave of sadness reach my spirit. "When were you and dada married?" I could feel the excitement in his voice. The same enthusiasm that filled his orbs each time he glanced at the wedding picture hanging in our room. The huge, enormous picture that I despise the most.
It had been four years of marrying Yash Agarwal. Four years, of transforming my name to Aarohi Yash Agarwal but I could never forget my identity. I could never forget Mrs Aarohi Rishi Shikawat. I felt a pull and saw Aarush attempting to grab my attention. "Mumma... please..." he was pleading on seeing me not offering him any response.
"Fifteen December..." my voice lacked any emotion. I could never forget that day. The day I felt, I was betraying Rishi. I was allowing someone to fill my hairline, I was allowing someone to add his name and take his identity as mine. It was my first attempt to erase Rishi's trace from his son's life. Allowing Yash to replace him. His son was so unknown about his existence but that was what Rishi wanted at least those were the words as Aai convinced me to marry Yash.
"I can't agree to hide his father's identity from him." I shook my head, slowly caressing my stomach. My tummy was growing slowly.
"Rishi wanted it, Aru. He never wanted his child to live a day as an orphan. Hiding his identity would help his child to escape from the pain, he had witnessed his entire life." Aai paused a second, squeezing my hand in assurance. "Try to understand, Aru... that would be best for your child." She was pleading with me but I was uncertain if I could agree with it. Hiding the truth about his or her father would be a worse thing I could do to the child.
Thinking back to the discussion of not concealing it to Aarush. There was a mixed feeling involved. I felt guilty for not disclosing it to Aarush, to lying about Yash being his father. But deep within I was glad as the lie had escaped him from the pain engulfing me at every second. He didn't have to grieve about his lost father. He could utilise the moment by creating some happy moments with his father.
The sight of his face glowing with happiness while playing with Yash. Him showing tantrums to compel Yash to bind to his stubbornness. Each moment they passed together convinced my heart that marrying Yash was the second best decision of my life after falling in love with Rishi. The satisfaction of knowing Aarush was getting the beautiful life he deserved, would fulfil my heart with joy.
Though he wanted a princess as he described it. Just like me! But I was overjoyed on glancing at the small version of him when I took Aarush first time in my arms. My heart accelerated as I touched his small fingers. I was scared, afraid that my touch could harm him. He was so delicate, so soft when I had touched him for the first time.
"How many days are left for it?" I couldn't miss the excitement showering his spirit. I shook my head off the thoughts, glancing at my bundle of joy.
"Now, it's June so how many days are left?" I inquired staring at him with curiosity. His small brows frowned in question. His teeth biting his lower lip as he was lost in thought. Slowing counting on his finger as he mumbled the months. I couldn't ever stop admiring him.
I wished days could stop and he might never grow up from the age. It was selfish of me because he had a world to see, to grow, to understand the world around him. But I knew that would result in him losing his innocence. He won't stay the same! My adorable Aarush.
"Six months?" He asked in question for which I provided him with a small nod, pulling his cheek while giggling at his annoyed face.
"Cute..." I muttered, for which I heard him groaning in displeasure.
"Man's aren't called cute." He muttered in his breath, getting furious.
"Who told you that?" I attempted to hide my smile as I removed a pair of shirts and shorts for him.
"Dada!" He mentioned, his eyes glaring at me. "Man's are called hot, dashing, handsome not cute." His face was stern as if he was attempting to scold me for my mistake.
I carried him in my arms making him stand on the bed. "But what if I say, girls like cute boys." He stared at me keenly as if taking my words into consideration.
"So, Pihu would like me if I am cute?" My eyes enlarged in horror. What on the earth?
"Who is this Pihu?" My eyes sternly stared at Aarush. He pressed a sheepish smile.
"My new friend..." he grinned at me. His orbs sparkling in delight. The overprotective mother inside me stared at him with suspiciousness.
"It better be..." I couldn't stop myself from having those thoughts. The young generation was extremely fast in every aspect of their life and I was scared about Aarush. He better not involve himself in such things at such a small age. He was four years old for god sake!
~~••~~
Yash had come from the office a minute back but Aarush couldn't stop himself from blabbering about his day to him. Aarush was more comfortable with Yash than with me. His tongue was continuously ranting about his new friend, Pihu. Unlike me, Yash wasn't taken aback by the information. To put it clearly, he was least bothered.
"Dada! We will call Pihu in your weding anni...sry..." he announced, a silence prevailing for a second. I didn't look from the bowl before me. I knew the topic was still awkward for us because we weren't a couple. Though we had married each other the only connection holding us together was Aarush.
I cut the last piece of apple putting it on the beside plate. "Dada! We will right?" Aarush was still staring at his father with hope.
"Aarush, eat the apple and go to bed. It's already ten..." I glanced at the clock not wanting Aarush to make us more uncomfortable.
"But Mumma..." he looked away from Yash. "Dada had come a minute back, I want to talk to him." He was pleading with me, requesting me to allow him more time.
"Okay but only ten minutes." Informing it I stood from the couch. Making my way upstairs to prepare for Aarush's bed not for once sparing a glance at Yash.
As I walked into his room as anticipated met with a messy one. A number toy vehicles were scattered on the white marble floor. His wardrobe was wide open with numerous clothes thrown out of it. A number of books spread around his bed. The white mattress was decorated with numbers and alphabets with a blue ink pen. I shook my head on discovering that he had messed with another bed sheet. He was turning naughty as he was growing older.
I huffed in annoyance preparing myself for the task. Minutes passed by and slowly the room was back to normal. I sighed, brushing the sweat forming on my forehead. As I had placed the pillows in the right position, I heard footsteps walking towards the room. Turning around I found Yash carrying Aarush in his arms. His exhausted orbs yelling about the day. His lip spread into a line to offer me a smile but it wasn't reaching his eyes. I felt guilty for burdening him up with Aarush.
I rushed towards him, spreading my arms towards him. "Give him..." I requested and he handed Aarush to me. As I walked him towards the bed and laid him on the soft mattress I could feel Yash's gaze behind me. "You could have laid him on the couch. Why you troubled yourself with him?" I shook my head covering the blanket over Aarush figure while pecking a kiss on his forehead.
"Carrying a son to his bed isn't called trouble." He answered, his deep, low voice making my breath hitch. I could hardly hear his deep, rough voice. It was different from the way he talked to others, even to Aarush. I often felt that he had a certain voice reserved for me. It wasn't soft, friendly as he talked to Aarush. Neither it was cold, distant as I had found him ordering his staff over the cell rather it was deep, gruff, annoyed yet concerned filled.
"But still you were exhausted, I don't want to add on your worries." I voiced those words switching off the lamp beside Aarush. Giving a last glance at my son I turned to face Yash. I couldn't glimpse at his face properly as darkness was engulfing us. He didn't respond to my words taking it as a clue that our conversation was ended, I took a step to walk outside the room, passing him. I could feel his frequent stare but as always I avoided it. Initially, his constant stare bothered me, but within those years I had gotten used to it.
"Maybe you need to convince your heart that I am a part of the family as well." That was a small whisper from his side maybe it wasn't intended for me to listen yet I heard him.
As the words registered in my heart, a sense of sadness passed my spirit. I had burdened myself with guilt through those years that I was taking advantage of Yash. I was taking advantage of that person, who agreed to call my son his. And in the numerous phase of our life, he had fulfilled his duty more than me. He had worked days and nights for us. And maybe at times I felt, he spent hours in his work to avoid me.
There was only Sundays when he had an off day, that was spent with Aarush and him hanging outside the mansion. On the first Sunday when Aarush was in the sixth month, that was the first and last time he invited me to join them.
Yash faked a cough grabbing my attention from the piece of chapati. "I was planning to spend a day with Aarush." He hesitated as he spoke those words out as if he was uncertain about my reaction.
"It would be great!" I assured him, pressing a smile. "He adores your company," I spoke glancing at Aarush in his arms. It was always difficult to grab his attention from Yash. He was very much fond of Yash. Their bond sometimes scared me. I was afraid that Yash could split Aarush from me.
"Yes," I glanced up at Yash. He was having a broad smile staring at adorable Aarush in his arms. "I was thinking why don't we three..." Before he could complete I interrupted him in between.
"I was planning to meet Ishika." And those words shut his mouth completely. He never attempted to ask me after it.
His words stabbed my heart because it was a fact. My heart was still in denial. It wasn't ready to accept Yash as a part of the family after four years. I knew I was using him, I was taking advantage of his kind nature. But I was helpless, I couldn't... I just couldn't accept him. Accepting him would mean replacing Rishi. I had replaced Rishi from Aarush's life but I couldn't from mine.
My thought was brought to a halt as I heard the knob turning. I closed my eyes though it was impossible for him to glance at me as darkness was covering the room as I lay on the bed. He without glancing at me for a second walked towards the wardrobe soon making his place towards the washroom. I took a breath of relief on finding him locking the door.
Soon the slight slumber was dragging me into the state of unconsciousness. I heard some shuffling voice but my stubborn sleep wasn't letting me open my eyes. I felt a rough fingertip graze my cheek, slowly but carefully. Unknowingly the touch was providing me with some relief. As if I was yearning for the care, attention.
"Why is it that difficult to accept me?" It was a quiet murmur but I could feel him shattering from within. Suddenly roughness and rage overpowered his spirit. "Why is it that difficult for my fucking heart to accept that you won't be ever mine... you are always his..." and soon the touch disappeared, my heart ached at the loss of contact but my mind was engulfed in sleep to recognise the man or his voice.