==Ashton's POV==
Whoever said that sneaking into the ICU past visiting hours was hard, was obviously a pussy.
It's been two days. After seeing her for the first time, everyone obeyed the rules and went back home. Maddie's dad and I were the only ones who decided to stay in the waiting room, and after he fell asleep, I was right back in here.
I wish I could say that I've been in this chair for the past 48 hours straight, pulled up close to her bed. I really do. The first time they kicked me out, they had to force me to let go of her hand.
They have to do more tests on her and stuff, to make sure she's okay, I guess. No one can be in there, so I'm sent back into the waiting room.
I use that time to get enough food from the vending machine to hold me over. Nothing more than a bag of chips or a chocolate bar. By the time I finish eating, I'm allowed back in without a problem..
Somehow, though, everyone who comes in thinks I'm supposed to be here. I overheard that one 'support person' is allowed unrestricted access into the room. Maybe they all assume that that's me.
None of us came together to decide on who that person should be. If anyone, it should be Maddie's dad, but he hasn't been able to stay in here for more than 15 minutes without having to leave to compose himself.
Either way, I'm getting away with breaking rules. Only family members are allowed to stay overnight, not guilt-ridden ex boyfriends. But I've slept over the past couple of nights, curled up right here with her hand in mine.
They either think I'm her brother, or are extremely unprofessional.
But who cares? I'm here and that's all that matters. I'm meant to be here, if I'm getting around all of the rules. That's what I've been telling myself.
I shift in my seat, waking up and looking at Maddie. She still looks like she could be dead, completely vulnerable and fragile, hooked up to all of those machines. I only know the word for one of them, and that's the ventilator, which I guess is keeping her breathing.
"I hope those articles are right," I mumble to her, sighing, "That you can still hear when you're in a coma."
I stay curled up on the chair, tightening my grip on her hand only a little. The back of my throat burns, and I can feel myself getting choked up again. She needs to wake up already.
"I hope you can hear how worried I am about you, even though they say you'll wake up soon," I say, swallowing and trying to keep my tears back. I've cried enough to last this whole new year. "I need you to know how much I really do love you, and how much I'm sorry."
She stays still, as she has been since the first time I saw her. No response. Just the sound of her breathing and medical equiptment beeping.
Every time I speak to her, I have hope that it'll make her wake up. Maybe, just maybe, it can be like those movies and I have the magic voice that makes her better. This hope makes it impossible for me not to at least half-expect a reply from her.
I picture it in my head every time, how she would have replied if she wasn't mad at me. Then again, what kind of furious, snarky reply she would give me. Neither of them come. It's always nothing.
My head falls against the arm of the chair and I let out a groan. If she doesn't wake up soon, I'm going to go insane. I've already gone insane.
My phone vibrates and I pick my head back up, using my free hand to pull it from my pocket. With tired eyes, I don't think I could have seen any worse contact pop up. Lily.
I grit my teeth and nearly throw my phone across the room. But I've learned from Cooper's mistake and restrain myself enough to simply grip it tightly and work up the nerve to read past her name. I definitely don't need her making matters worse right now.
Where are you?
I roll my eyes, lazily unlocking my phone to reply. I shouldn't reply, but all of my pent up anger that I have toward her won't let me go without answering her now, and blowing up on her.
At the hospital. Where else would I be?
Home? she replies, I came over, but your mom told me to leave and not to come back.
Good.
I smirk, typing out a quick thanks to my mom. She may be completely pissed that I still haven't come home, but she still helps me fight my battles.
I thought you could use some cheering up ;)
Why don't you go cheer up Cooper?
God, I'm fighting the urge to just type out a massive paragraph about how much I hate her. She, with the help of Milly and Luke, are the reason I'm sitting in here right now. They're the reason Maddie is lying, unconscious, in that hospital bed.
All they wanted was for it to be certain that Maddie and I would never be together. Lily said it herself. What better way for that to happen than for Maddie to be f*cking dead?
I can't help myself anymore.
You know, you should never have broken up with him. At least you had some emotional bond with him or whatever.
Did you really think I would want anything to do with you after this? Congrats. Now you don't have either of us.
I hardly wanted anything to do with you in the first place.
Go f*ck Luke or something.
Let me be sad in peace, and after that, let me fix things with my f*cking girlfriend. It's the least you could do.
I huff. A million other things that I could say to her are coming into my head one by one, but I think it's best that I end it there. The more I say, the more it looks like I actually want to talk to her.
She starts typing and I can practically see the total lack of remose she has on her face while she does. At least I feel guilty after I do shit like that.
What's your problem?
I don't respond, like I planned. The last time I tried to explain to her my problem with our situation, I slept with her again. With my lack of self-control, we'd probably end up sexting by the end of this conversation if I answered again.
I'm just about to shut off my phone and focus on the problem at hand, like I've been doing for the past two days, when I get another text. From Ethan.
Apparently, today is the perfect day for everyone I don't want to talk to, to text me. I hold my breath and open his conversation.
You down to chill Friday instead? At 1?
I sit still, as if he's going to walk in behind me and I'm going to have to fight him right here and now. I'm going to do this, whether I'm dating Maddie or not. I have to.
Yep, no problem.
I let out my breath, pressing send.
"You're still in here?" Michael asks and I jump out of my seat. Maddie's hand, limp, falls back onto the bed and my heart starts beating wildly.
He stares at me like I'm insane, which I guess I am. I'm about to fight a guy who's probably twice my size and has no boundaries, all for a girl.
And I'm not even telling anyone where I'm going.
"She's gonna wake up, right?" I ask, trying to reroute my fear. "I mean, they replaced that tube with that casserole, candle, whatever thing. That's good, right?"
"Cannula?" Michael laughs, shoving his hand in his pocket. He has yet to show much worry. "Ash, you've been over this with her dad."
I glance down at his phone. He's been filming so much that I just want to rip it from his hands. Shouldn't he have run out of storage by now?
It would be masochistic for Maddie to want to watch this. All it is is me pathetically thinking I should be here, when I'm the reason she's in here, technically.
"I keep forgetting," I say, closing my eyes, "I just don't want her to die. I'm not done loving her."
"Relax, she's definitely not going to die," he sighs, "She should be awake today, hopefully no brain damage but probably some to her stomach lining. Remember?"
I guess sleeping for only, like, 2 hours in the past 48 is not helping me. None of that sounds right.
I stare at him, waiting for him to go on. I don't know what any of it means for Maddie, or how much pain she'll be in. All of this medical jargon goes in one ear and out the other.
"She'll also wake up with slight amnesia," he raises his eyebrows at me.
"I'm not lying to her," I say, covering his camera with my hand, "And stop filming me, I'm a wreck."
"Nothing stopped you from lying to her to save your relationship before."
Now he only has one eyebrow raised and I roll my eyes at him. He's become way too proud and way too sure of himself.
"Yeah, well, that--" I swing my arm back to point at Maddie, "That's what happened because of my lies, and that's what's stopping me."
He swallows, nodding. The two of us stand there and stare at each other, one of us waiting for the other to leave. I still want to know what his issue is.
"I don't like being back here," he admits after a moment, "She did exactly the same thing I did. Exactly."
"No one is forcing you to be here."
He narrows his eyes at me and I take a step back. Of course he would want to be here, with his huge crush on Maddie and all. But if it's bothering him that much, he doesn't have to come to her room. That's all I'm saying.
"I was in the same position as her and all I had were my parents. I--"
"That's because they didn't know how to get ahold of anyone," I grunt, "And when you woke up, you begged them not to tell."
"Okay, but still. Maddie has at least ten people waiting for her to wake up," he looks down. Finally, he puts his phone away. "I'm trying not to feel jealous. I shouldn't be."
"Who's all waiting for her?" I squint and he sighs. This isn't the first time I've ignored his issues for Maddie, and this is kind of more important.
"Okay, maybe not ten," he says, "But Mills is here. Calum, too. He wants to talk to you, by the way."
I nod and push past him, letting him be alone with her for a little while. At least now I know his apathy is the cause of conflicting emotions and not a lack of care. Plus, I don't know what to say to him.
I'm too tired to even comfort myself, let alone him too.
The hallways in this hospital are like a maze and no matter how many times I walk through them, I always get lost. It takes me a frustrating ten minutes just to get out and into the waiting room.
Everyone in the room looks up when I come out, but quickly go back to their business once they see it's me.
Since it's day time, the room is much more full than it was when we first got here. I have to weave through dozens of families just to find Calum.
The guilty expression he gives me makes me wish I never left Maddie's room. He's going to tell me something that will make things ten times worse, I just know it.
"Oh, good. You're finally back out here," Maddie's dad stops me on my way to Calum and I sigh, looking up at him. He hasn't stopped trying to prove his power over me as Maddie's guardian since he got here.
"Not for too long, I hope," I say, glancing around him at Calum. He still looks like he's about to pee his pants out of guilt.
"Look, I told the doctor you had my permission to stay in there because I thought it would help you," he takes a deep breath and my eyebrows knit together. So it wasn't luck, it was him. "But I don't know if you should be in there when she wakes up."
"What?" I step back from him, "Why?"
"I don't want you putting more stress on her than there already is."
He crosses his arms to show that he means business, and if it were anyone other than Maddie's dad, I'd punch him square in the face. Instead, I start to shake from fear.
"What?" I say again, "No, I need to fix things. Set the record straight. I didn't do everything she thinks I did."
"You can do that when she's out of the hospital."
I look back at everyone, but none of them say anything. Cooper would be the one to back me up, but apparently he's no where to be found.
Of all the times he could take a bathroom break, this has to be it. For f*cks sake.
"Can I at least see her?" I beg.
She's going to be in the hospital for at least another week once they determine that it was an attempted suicide. That's too long for her to think I did something that I didn't do.
That's too long for me to be away from her.
He shakes his head and I hold myself back from yelling that he can't do this. He can. He's the only one who cares about Maddie's safety more than I do.
He doesn't need to 'prove' that to me. I knew it from the moment I spoke to him on the phone. He has the power to keep me away from Maddie for as long as he wants.
I stare down at my feet, "Fine, I won't."
He pats my slumped shoulder and then goes to sit back down. Now, I'm torn between wanting to break his rules and knowing that, unless I want to get my ass beat again, I shouldn't. Maddie wouldn't want me here anyway.
Calum stands from his seat. After the news from Maddie's dad, his puppy-dog expression is the sight equivalent to nails on a chalkboard.
I stay where I'm standing and wait for him to speak.
"How are you doing?" He asks, his voice low.
"Lousy," I mutter, "Why did you want to talk to me?"
While he stammers nervously and tries to find the right words, I'm hardly paying attention. How could her dad just expect me to stay away in a situation like this? I'm in love with her.
"Anyway, I, um, I'm kind of the one who told Luke about you and Maddie sleeping together."
Maddie's dad looks up and I try not to make eye contact with him. Yep, that's exactly what he needs to hear right now. Great.
"Could you speak any louder, Calum?" I seethe under my breath, "She told you?"
"She told Michael," he clarifies in a whisper, still looking at me like I could kill him at any moment, "I overheard. It was at the pet store."
I try and remember all of what Luke said, but my memory is blinded by the force of Cooper's fist colliding with my jaw and the worry that I haven't stopped feeling. Still, it hardly makes sense.
I guess, though, the idea of Michael telling Luke makes even less sense.
"I only told him because I thought it would get him to leave you alone," he says, shaking his head, "I didn't think it would end up like this."
"Why did you tell him she cried?" I ask, his speech becoming clearer in my clouded mind. This is unbelievable.
Maddie being in the hospital felt like a dream, and this is just adding to it. Maybe I'll wake up soon, with Maddie's head on my chest, and everything will be just a silly nightmare.
"I told him how close you guys were. How she had that panic attack and you helped her."
"Calum, if we weren't in a hospital, I would murder you," I say, putting my head in my hands. This is one big mess. If I didn't hate myself so much, I'd fully accept that Luke knowing about it is the actual reason we're here.
His little joke is what pushed her over the edge.
"I know," he sighs, "I tried to get her away from the party, but she wouldn't leave. I'm sorry."
I lift my head and rub my temples. I really hope that Maddie wakes up soon, not only because I need the reassurance that she's okay, but because I need to sleep. Especially after all of this.
"Do you know if he's planning anything else?" I ask, to be sure. Calum's eyes light up like there is something, and I brace myself for the worst.
At least, if he's going to be an idiot, I'll know ahead of time and hopefully will be able to stop it.
"Lils!" Cooper bursts out, and I jump. I look back to see him coming out of the bathroom. The bags under his eyes are more prominent than mine probably are, even though he's gone home a few times. His face is flushed and he goes running toward her.
I don't even want to look in the direction he's going, because I know why she's here. I leave Maddie's room for ten minutes and this is what happens.
"Go on, tell me," I say to Calum, who's eyes are now set on the two of them.
"I'm here to talk to Ashton," Lily says, as I expected, and I can't help but look at the sound of my name. Cooper grits his teeth, pulling away from the embraces he had her in, and Lily beams knowingly at me.
I turn away and grab Calum's shoulders to get his attention. He takes a deep breath, but Cooper is stomping over and nearly pulling my arm out of it's socket before he gets a single word out.
"Go on, Ash, talk to her," He says bitterly, "It's not like we're dating anymore or anything."
"It's not that big of a deal," Calum assures me, gesturing to Lily, "You can talk to her."
I push my now-greasy hair out of my face and don't hold back my groan, following far behind her out of the waiting room. The only reason I'm doing this is so she leaves me alone. It's not like I'm about to have sex with her in below zero weather.
The sliding doors open for us and the cold air feels much colder in her presence. Either that, or it's gotten significantly colder since I'd last been outside. It's been a while.
Lily leans against the wall and flicks her eyes over at me. I continue to keep a safe distance away from her.
"Believe it or not, I do feel bad," She says, pouting.
"I'm going to go with not believing you," I roll my eyes, shivering, and she doesn't say anything. Wearing only a sweatshirt was a terrible idea. I give her 30 seconds before I start to turn around to go back inside.
"I wouldn't have broken up with Cooper if I didn't feel an emotional connection to you," she says, "I only kept sleeping with you because I thought it would eventually get you to talk to me."
I scrunch my nose, pulling my sleeves over my hand. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Even after we slept together, she left almost immediately after. She clearly didn't give a damn about my feelings, either.
"I highly doubt that."
"I lost my virginity to you," she says, pursing her lips, "It wasn't like I just cheated on Cooper and it meant nothing."
"Okay, well," I sigh, watching my breath billow out of my mouth like smoke, "Nothing will ever happen. It meant nothing to me."
I watch while she frowns and, like she didn't expect that to come from me, her eyes start to water. I hope that it's from the wind and not from me breaking her heart or something stupid like that. She's the one who cost me my relationship.
"I get that now," she says, "I'll leave you alone."
I take a deep breath and, again, watch it flow from my mouth. I can hear a 'but' coming from her and I close my eyes. I just want to get back inside, next to Maddie's bed.
"Can you just kiss me one more time?" She asks and my eyes snap open.
"No?" I hiss, "What the hell?"
She's acting as if we had some epic love story, or something. We slept with eachother several times, half of which were at parties. That's it. It was never anything more than that.
Before I asked her for help with Maddie, I'd hardly spoken to her at all.
"Ashton," she says, "Come on."
"No."
"One kiss, and I'll leave you alone."
I cross my arms over my chest and turn to her. She stands up straight and tilts her head at me, the wind whipping her long brown hair behind her. I blink, licking my lips, and shrugging. It's a small price to pay.
Without my actual approval, she places her hands on my shoulders and presses her lips gently to mine. I think that may be the only light kiss we've ever shared.
As she pulls away, gratitude fills my body, but not for very long. The doors to the hospital slide open while her hands are still on my shoulders and her face is mere inches from mine. I don't even have to look to know who it is.
Lily bites her lip and flees to her car before he can say anything to her.
"Maddie's awake," Cooper's voice breaks, turning on his heel. I have to chase after him to keep up. Even when I try to grab his arm, he doesn't stop.
"It was nothing," I say as he shrugs me off of him.
"Tell that to Maddie," He grunts.
We pass Michael on our way back and he eyes me worriedly. I shrug, even though I know exactly why he's mad. I can't stop being an idiot for a single second.
Cooper pushes the door to the ICU open and I follow close behind him, hoping to God he doesn't actually mention anything to her. She just woke up, she doesn't need to hear about my idiocy as soon as she regains consciousness.
As soon as we get to her room, my breath catches in my throat. She's sitting up, still connected to everything. She's pale and looks tired as hell, but her eyes are open. She's awake.
The only other person in the room now is her dad, and we're going to break the rule of only two people being allowed in the room at a time, but I can't keep myself from her.
We meet eyes and before I can cast mine down guiltily, she smiles at me. So Michael wasn't wrong about the amnesia, I guess.
"Ashton," she says, her voice raspy.
Her dad turns his head to look at me and raises his eyebrows. It's a look that says, I thought we had an agreement.
You'd think that he would change his mind, seeing how thrilled she seems to be upon seeing me. This could be my way into a fresh start with her, but he's going to take that away from me before I even have it.
"Cooper, he shouldn't be in here," he says and Maddie gives him a questioning look, "Only two people are allowed to visit you at a time."
He says it kindly, but I can hear the threat in his voice.
Cooper shrugs, pushing me out and into the hallway. I open my mouth in protest but he shakes his head. Had I not pissed him off only a few minutes prior, he probably would have protested for me. I truly am an idiot.
"And don't come back," he pushes me again, and for now, there's nothing I can do but listen.
((Sorry I'm a flop))