Epic Heart Rate
Turned out... she did like me.
At least, that was what Auntie Tonette told me.
"Mahilig magsuot ng itim. Napakalayo sa ugali niya. Pansin kong mahilig din naman sa mga bagay na kumikinang. Ayun, may binagayan din!" Mahinang tumawa si Auntie sa sarili.
Whenever Snooki wasn't around, Auntie often told me stories about her like it was the only interesting matter she'd willingly talk to me about.
Piece by piece, through my aunt's words, it started to feel like I already knew Snooki for quite some time. And at the end of each day, I looked forward to it; being told of a nighttime story that eventually became my only favorite.
"I am in constant contact with Elora, her mom. An elegant woman, soft-spoken. Nothing like her daughter," continued Auntie. My lips twitched, wanting to smile. "Truth is, her family is rich. She is humble, yes, but she's still rich. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nasa Daily Bloom iyon! Unang sabi niya'y maghahanap daw siya ng nobyo rito. E, nakita ka, ikaw ang natipuhan. Kawawang bata ka naman."
Nangiti na ako at napakagat ng labi nang tawanan ako nang malakas ni Auntie. "Malas po ba ako, Auntie?"
"Aba'y hindi ko alam! Alamin mo. Kilalanin mo siya, kausapin mo. 'Wag mong pagurin, mamaya'y lumipad pa ang interes niyan sa iba. O, e 'di mas lalo kang kawawa? Isipin mo iyan."
Yeah. I could only agree with her in my mind.
Bago ako matulog nang gabing 'yon, nangingiti ako nang inaalala ang mga sinabi ni Auntie. Ah, darnit, I was really hopeless, wasn't I?
Nakangiti akong natulog, kinakabahan naman akong gumising kinabukasan. A prickling sensation lingered in my chest the whole time I distractedly worked this morning, a few tormenting hours before I asked Snooki out for a lunch she insisted she owed me.
She said it should be on her, but there was no way I would let her pay for it because... well shit, it was embarrassing, but I might have gone overboard and brought her to the wrong place when she only asked to eat burgers for lunch.
Ilang gabi akong hindi nakatulog kaiisip doon! Hiyang-hiya ako sa sarili, gusto kong malaman kung anong naging tingin sa 'kin ni Snooki noon! Ilang gabi rin akong nagpagulong-gulong sa kama, reliving the day with altered versions where I got it right.
"Hey, who's Snooki? She's flooded my notification liking either your photo that I uploaded or our fam photo you're tagged into." My older sister, Ayla, called me only to ask.
I put her on loudspeaker so I could check my social media account. When I saw the notifications, I thought, yeah, my sister would really ask me about it. I lost it, though. I couldn't fight my lips from smiling, wondering which pictures of me Snooki saw. I could only wish she saw nothing embarrassing.
"Wait, no! Let me fancy you with a guesswork. She's 'nother supermodel coming after you, huh? I'm right, aren't I? You want me to catfight for you again?" She grunted.
"Don't! No!"
"Wow. And you're exclaiming? Interesting. Sino ba 'yon—oh my gosh, you got a girlfriend?!" Then, it was her turn to exclaim. Napangiwi ako at inilayo ang phone mula sa tainga.
"I haven't even said any—"
At binabaan na niya ako ng tawag. I hopelessly sighed. I knew she'd most likely ask Uncle Benj about it for info to tattle to mom and dad. She could do that, but even Uncle won't have an answer.
"Snooki is a dramatic kid. Tuwing makikita ka sa shop ay kulang na lang himatayin!" kuwento ni Auntie habang naghahain ng pagkain sa lamesa.
"Nah, you're being dramatic, Auntie." Natawa ako at natigil lang nang sundan ko ng tingin ang tapik ni Julio sa balikat ko.
"Man, trust me. Snooki becomes highly dramatic to anything, anything, that concerns you."
Julio broke into Auntie's apartment in the middle of the night, asking for her home-cooked food. And me? I got dragged down because he knew damn well that I was almost always awake my entire life.
"And she still doesn't know you live across her. Damn, what I'd pay to see her reaction once she finally knew!"
Tinapik ko paalis ang kamay ni Julio sa balikat ko at pabirong umamba. He only grinned and made a mess outta my hair.
Rushing was something I only did at times I overslept and got up late for work. Or whenever I was on a run to beat the deadline for financial reports or to personally receive a VIP hotel guest just right after I come out of an adjourned meeting.
I guess, one could tell that I only ever rushed for things I was running out of time on. And love wasn't exactly one of it. I never caught any breath running after it. Because, for me, if something didn't have a deadline and wasn't time-bound, then it could wait.
With Snooki, I wasn't in a race, yet my feelings never slowed down. I told myself to be steadfast grounded, and tried very hard every minute to champion my words.
But not until I spent my Sunday skies with her, not until I let her see me vulnerable to a flu I hardly ever get, and not until I found myself speeding my workweek tasks so I could be free on the day when Auntie was scheduled to visit a flower farm in New Jersey that I finally admitted defeat. That with her, only her, there was no way I would be grounded.
"Kung ako sa iyo, sosorpresahin ko 'yan si Snooki. Malamang nagtampo ang batang iyon. Ilang araw kang hindi nagpakita nang walang paabiso. Siguro dalhan mo ng pagkain. Mahina ang mga babae d'yan. Ang Auntie mo nga, e." Nangisi si Uncle Benj, as he recalled a thought in his head.
"Won't a surprise be uhm... I don't know... excessive? Baka ho magulat." Napahawak ako sa batok. Isa pa, paano ko 'yon gagawin?
"Hindi! Hindi." Humalakhak si Uncle. "Tutulungan kita. Mamaya, doon tayo sa rooftop. Trust your Uncle, alright?"
I nodded in trust, but regretted it with a shake of my head the moment I took Snooki out in cold air later that night. The interior of my being was washed in red as I felt flushed and embarrassed.
"This is... uhh... Uncle Benj's idea para manuyo." I couldn't meet her eyes while admitting this.
If I had a serious relationship before, then I would've known what to do. But in my current losing case, I had no idea how to gauge my situation. There's one thing I was sure of, though. Nakakahiya itong ginawa ko.
"Though, I gotta say, I commend the set-up. Good job, Sir Archer!" She laughed. I couldn't believe this.
"It's crazy, I know. 'Di na dapat ako naniwala kay Uncle." Napailing ako nang maalala kung paano ko minadali ang pag-aayos dito sa lugar.
"Huh? Why? I loved it kaya! Like, super mega ultra ka-duper!" she hurried to say. It amused me how her face gave away a reaction of worry in secrecy like it was all she felt every time I became embarrassed of the things I did.
Kay Snooki, hindi ko kayang pigilin ang mga ngiti ko. Wala na akong kontrol sa sarili kong labi. And I was completely caught off guard as to what extent I couldn't control it when I said something crazy.
"Snooki, I am loving you a mile a minute," I pronounced sincerely with my eyes solely focused on her.
If it was too soon or too late, whatever's the case, I was already down to say it.
"Archer... please, don't slow down."
Bagay sa mga mata niya ang kalawakang pinuno ng mga bituin. The stellar glitter from her eyes while we locked gaze made me believe I could do more in life with her in it.
As a kid, I was first taught to seal a promise with a pinky-swear. But tonight, under the azure of a dozed off sky, and without the witness of anyone but with the one who ever mattered, I sealed a promise with a kiss.
"No, I will never slow down."
Through the encouragement of everyone around me, I really kept going for it—Snooki. I could say that already had a stable career, savings, loving family... all I really needed now was life.
Or wife. Maybe.
At tuwing naiisip ko ang buhay, hindi na maalis sa isip ko si Snooki. Pakiramdam ko, nagkakabuhay ako sa labas ng trabaho simula noong dumating siya. Dati, lumalabas ako galing trabaho para umuwi at matulog. Ngayong nandito na siya, nagkaroon ako ng iba't ibang klase ng araw at gabi, at lahat ng 'yon, masaya.
It really felt like I was living and breathing as one should.
Even my online social life began because of Snooki's brothers and cousins. I talked to them shortly after I confirmed all of their social requests, and after they created a group chat with everyone but without Snooki.
It was an odd feeling. Positively odd, really. Because in some ways, it felt like an extension of a family already. That's why when Elon told me he was flying to the city, I told him he could stay in my place at Hudson Yards.
"Bro, arigatou for the luxe offer, man. But I'm gon'be out and about. Wouldn't want to be a dashing inconvenience. I'll crash at Snooki's for a night, though. It's a surprise, so don't tell her. I'm actually so hyped, I think I'll piss in color!" he said in an unplanned video call. Tumawa ako.
"Pero, man! Kung gusto kang iuwi ng kapatid ko sa Pasko, 'wag kang tumanggi, aight? I'mma make my room so homey for you, it's gonna be frickin' rad of a sleepover. Magdala ka ng jammies."
"Dude, what?" Hayes asked his brother, face comically distorted in horror.
"'Wag kang magtampo, kasali ka." Kaswal na tinapik ni Elon ang pisngi ng kapatid.
Natawa na naman ako, this time it was a hearty laugh. No wonder Snooki's like that.
Hindi lang simpleng masayahin si Snooki, nakakahawa kasi ang ngiti at halakhak niya. But after my confession, after we kissed, she seemed to have turned quite a bit shy. And I found it really amusing that I couldn't get enough of her. Tuwing nahihiya siya, ako naman ang naglalakas loob na gumawa ng hakbang.
Kaso isang araw, bigla na lang akong napagsabihan ni Auntie. "Bakit ang sabi ni Snooki sa akin ay kaibigan mo lang daw siya? Matapos mong halik-halikan? Aba! Ayus-ayusin mo, Archer, ha. Sinasabi ko sa 'yo."
"Auntie, what?" I laughed uneasily.
"Maghinay-hinay ka kay Snooki. Alam mo naman 'yon kung paano sa 'yo. Kapag iyon ay sinaktan mo, naku, sinasabi ko talaga sa 'yo!"
Seryoso na pala talaga si Auntie. Nalunok ko kaagad ang kanin nang hindi nginunguya. I was afraid to ask, but I was really curious, ano ba 'yong sinasabi ni Auntie na sinasabi niya sa 'kin?
Was I supposed to know something? Did she say anything in passing while I was busy catching stares with Snooki at the shop? Nag-aalangan akong itanong. Ito ang unang beses na pinagsabihan ako ni Auntie, at dahil pa sa pag-ibig. Nagtago tuloy ako ng ngiti.
Sinunod ko pa rin si Auntie. Pero noong isang araw na dumating ako sa shop na si Snooki lang ang tao, e, wala na. I couldn't help it. Naglambing ako.
She was really busy on the computer when I arrived. Hindi niya ako pinapansin tulad ng dati tuwing darating ako. Snooki was rarely this busy, but the holidays were starting so I understood. I gotta admit, though, I already kinda miss it—her attention.
"Wow. You're really busy, huh?" Nangisi ako habang nakatitig sa kanya.
"Uu. Bakit, ikaw ba?" she asked, not even looking at me anymore.
She was so occupied her hair was left disheveled in a beautiful mess. I bit my smiling lips as I amusedly watched her work. I never got attracted to anyone I worked with, but just now that I was imagining Snooki as my co-worker? Man, I'd be damned!
I couldn't hack her level of seriousness into overdrive when it comes to work. But maybe I haven't been doing enough just yet. I wanted her to loosen up and pause for a bit.
Habang nasa spreadsheet ang isip niya sa laptop ay pumwesto ako sa likuran niya at saka maingat na yumakap. "You can continue working, Miss Henilza. Ignore me here. Hmm?"
"Kasi, Archer. Nagtatrabaho kaya ako," she complained in a soft voice.
Hinigpitan ko nang kaunti ang yakap ko para kulitin siya lalo. Really, I was almost close to pleading. Because it was stressful at my work, too, I kinda really needed this hug. "Two minutes lang po. I promise."
When Snooki averted her eyes away from the laptop screen, I knew I cracked her focus. She needed to eat. And if she asked me to feed her, then, good heavens ain't that a lucky day because I really would.
'Wag lang sanang bumalik kaagad sina Auntie at Uncle. Hindi ko alam. Baka kasi mapagsabihan ulit ako.
"I don't think I'd be able to focus on work anymore. I just want to go home with you." I hushed into her ears, and it tickled her a little. She was so beautiful, I grinned about it against her neck.
Hindi nagtagal, bumalik na sina Auntie sa shop. Nataranta akong kumalas mula kay Snooki. My head spun, aiming to back off as quickly as possible. I didn't know how I was doing, or if had I broken something at the shop. I just really needed to get out quickly.
Cornelia won't snitch on me, right?
I really should set things straight with Snooki. I couldn't keep my feelings, my hands, in hiding whenever Auntie's around us.
Later that night, I spoke with Uncle. Ang pinakamagaling kong tiyuhin aniya sa pag-ibig.
"E, bakit hindi alam ni Snooki na nobya mo siya? Hindi ka ba nagtanong?"
It was only the first question but my frustration and embarrassment already increased tenfold.
"Aba't hindi mo nga siya tinanong?" Tumawa nang sobrang lakas si Uncle. Yeah, now I really felt offended. Ngumisi ako at napailing.
"I thought it's already established the first time we kissed," I hoarsely confessed.
"Ano ba naman 'tong batang 'to, oh. Archer, Pilipina iyang si Snooki, hindi 'yan tatalaban ng mga galaw mo rito. Kaya kailanga'y galingan mo."
"Uncle, wala ho akong galaw dito." Ngumisi ako at pumikit bago umiling.
"Ah, dahil ba sila na ang gumagalaw para sa 'yo? Talaga nga naman, o!" Humalakhak na naman siya. "Coming from your kind of milieu as a bullied kid, especially by little girls, it's admirable that you didn't transform into someone like any of the characters from a teleserye that your Auntie Tonette watches. Those guys, they seek revenge in nearly every way they could think of. Mabuti nang hindi ka naging babaero."
"I'm not sure if I'm familiar with that. I watch movies about wars, though," I shared. Uncle sprung his arm around my shoulder.
"O, e dapat kaya mo nang ipaglaban si Snooki. Ligawan mo. Ipaglaban mo ang matamis niyang oo!"
"Hindi po ba pwedeng kami na kaagad? Liligawan ko na naman siya araw-araw. Hindi matatapos." Ngumiti ako na tumuloy sa tawa nang makita kung paano ako tingnan ni Uncle. It looked as if he couldn't believe I was even thinking about it like that.
"Iba talaga 'tong batang 'to!" He sighed in exasperation.
I bowed my head, my eyes dropping straight to the ground. I let myself unconsciously toy with my cold hands. I sincerely confessed, "Uncle, ayoko nang mawala. Hindi ko hahayaan. Binaliw na ako, e."
Seryosong tinapik ni Uncle ang balikat ko. "At binabaliw pa rin?"
"At binabaliw pa rin." Tumango ako.
I always heard that falling in love was one kind of losing. The deeper I fell for Snooki, the easier I understood why they called it like that, probably also from experiencing different kinds of it first-hand.
I lost sleep at night thinking about how foolish I always acted around her. I lost count of the stars who were witnesses of all my smiles every second I thought of her. I lost count of my own heartbeat. I lost count of the days when everything seemed normal because whenever she's around, each passing second always ended up being interesting.
And crazily, I lost my mind at the thought of losing her—the one person who impelled me to want to live my life differently. I didn't know how, but I was so damn sure that from now on, I wanted her to be in it.
And from the words of brand new Archer Marsden, it's non-negotiable. She's it for me—Snooki.