~
"All the clouds in me
are raining."
~
"So you think you guys will fix this?" Alex asks me two weeks after the whole situation went down at Kara's birthday party.
Since then, our group has practically been split down the middle with Sierra and Austin on Kara's side while Dwight and Travis are on Jake's side. I'm pissed at them both so I'm not on anyone's side. While Chase just doesn't care.
Don't even get me started on Kara and Jake. Kara hasn't seen or gone near Jake since the party, and Jake's been avoiding Kara. If they see each other in the hallways, they go the long way.
At lunch, Sierra and Chase go somewhere, Austin and Kara sit together, the other three sit together, and I just ignore them all and sit at a table outside with Alex.
The only bright side to all of this is that I'm getting to know Alex better. I know the gang have their premature judgments about him, but he's not that bad.
"I honestly don't know. We've never been split from each other for this long." I tell him, sighing.
"Friends fight and friends make up. It's only been two weeks, just give it some time."
Two weeks is a long time for our group.
"Wanna share some of that positivity over here?"
"Listen it'll be okay." He says, reaching for my hand and giving it a little squeeze.
I give him a small smile, squeezing his hand back. The bell rings and we get up, throwing our trash away.
Saying goodbye to Alex, I head towards Biology. As I'm walking, I feel someone push my shoulder slightly, and I turn to see Dwight walking past.
"Excuse you?" I call out, anger seeping into my voice.
"So that's what you're doing now? Our group is shit so you go hit on the new kid?" He asks, turning to walk away.
"Hit on the new kid? What are you talking about?" I ask him, pulling his arm to stop him.
"We all just saw you outside with him, holding hands and all of that. We aren't naive Emma, but maybe you are." He practically spits.
I'm getting really sick of everyone's attitude these days.
"You know what Dwight? I don't have to apologize for having friends outside of you and the group, if we even are a group anymore." I say, pushing past him. As I'm about to walk away, I turn around to face him once more.
"And at least Alex has actually been making an effort to talk to me. The only times you've talked to me in the past two weeks was to lecture me. So get off my back." I practically spit out.
And with that I continue my walk to Biology, leaving a regretful Dwight behind me.
'~'
"Heading off to practice now?" Alex asks me as I'm gathering my stuff after government.
"Unfortunately." I tell him with a sigh.
"Isn't the captain of the cheer team supposed to be cheerful?" He asks with a smile as we walk out of the room.
"Sometimes it takes more effort to find the cheer." I tell him.
"Well-" he gets cut off by a high pitch voice and I groan inwardly.
Bridgett.
"Emma Richardson, you better be in top shape today. Don't think I haven't noticed you slacking recently."
"Last time I checked, I was the captain."
"Could've fooled me. Either come ready or don't come at all." With that she flicks her long red hair and struts away.
"I literally can't stand her." Alex says, after she's gone.
"Yeah, she's a lot of work."
But deep down, I know she's right. I haven't been giving my full effort.
"Hey, don't let her get to you."
Too late.
"I'll try not to. Hey I really got to go, but I'll catch you later?"
He nods and I make my way to the locker rooms. As I'm about to walk into the girls locker room, I see Dwight again, walking towards the guys locker room.
He looks like he's about to come over and talk to me, but before he has the chance I push open the door and walk in.
I really don't want to deal with that again today.
The girls are currently changing and I start to do the same.
Kara is next to me changing, but I don't spare her a glance until most of the team files out leaving only me and her.
"Hey, I feel like I haven't seen you all day." Kara says in the silence.
"Who's fault is that?" I snap.
"Woah...what's with the attitude?"
"Nothing, besides the fact that you and Jake somehow managed to split our entire group in half!" I say, irrationally placing my anger in the wrong place.
"Emma he knew I like him yet he still--
"And I told you that Jake did not sleep with her. It doesn't excuse his actions but either way, if you liked him as much as you say you did, you wouldn't have immediately gone to another guy. It's practically the same thing he did to you, you just did it after he did."
Kara lets out a sigh and closes her locker. "I know it was wrong of me to do that, I'll admit it was a moment of weakness. But it was done out of anger."
"I know he's your brother Em, but what he did really hurt me. I just—" My anger ceases a little seeing her struggle to get the right words out.
It's so hard being in between your best friend and twin brother.
"Come here." I say, opening my arms for a hug.
I squeeze her tight trying to provide some sort of comfort to her.
A moment passes and I pull away holding her hands.
"Please...just talk to him and I mean actually talk. And tell him the truth. Remember Kar, guys are a bit oblivious with stuff like emotions and feelings. Just tell it to him straight."
I see Kara give it some thought and she nods. "Alright I'll be the bigger man and give it a shot."
Giving her arm a squeeze, I give her a grin as we walk out to the fields.
'~'
"So help me Emma! If you get it wrong one more time I'm gonna scream." Bridgett practically yells for the umpteenth time today.
I feel like screaming.
Kara shoots me a worried glance but I brush it off.
I'm off my game today and it hasn't just been at this practice. What Bridgett said hit home. I've been slacking, feeling so demotivated. Which is the complete opposite of cheerleading.
Thinking back on why I joined in the first place I'm pretty sure I joined solely because I smiled a lot and had a few years of gymnastics under my belt.
I guess I never thought of its purpose until recently.
What's the point of all this?
"One more time. Again!" Bridgett yells, pulling me from my thoughts.
I grit my teeth and prepare to do it again. I can feel Coach Wilson staring at us, me more specifically, to see if we were going to get this right.
Counting us down, we begin to do our routine. It's simple: I'm supposed to be the flyer and once I'm in the air, I have to pull my right leg up practically straight while the group holds my other leg down. We have two stunts doing this while the other girls are doing flips and cartwheels.
I've done this stunt a million times before, and I've always nailed it. Today just isn't my day.
As we go to get into position, I lift my foot up to put it in the hand of Sabrina, the base, and they lift me up. However, as I go to lift my foot up again, I lose my balance and begin to fall, luckily being caught by the girls in my stunt.
This is so freaking pointless!
"Em, are you okay?" Kara asks me, a concerned look on her face.
"I'm fine." I snap, a little too harsh. I don't mean to be, I'm just so frustrated with myself.
I take a deep breath and give her a small smile. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap."
"Emma, can I talk to you for a second?" Coach Wilson calls, breaking off whatever Kara was going to say next. Sighing, I walk over to her.
"You seem off your game today. Is everything okay?" She asks me, concern written in her face.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing wrong." I say, feeling a lump in my throat.
Not now Emma.
"That's okay. Sometimes we just have bad days." She tells me, giving me a small smile.
"Okay ladies, let's call it a day today. All of you be on your A-game tomorrow so we can nail this routine!" She calls out, which earns a few cheers from the team since we're ending practice a little early.
Ignoring Kara's questions, I hurry to the locker room. As soon as I'm in there, I change and grab my things as quickly as possible.
My thoughts constantly rage inside my head like a storm.
Practice today is like an example of my current situation.
Always trying, but failing.
Why is nothing I do ever good enough.
Why?
I just wish I was good enough.
"Em, wait!" A voice calls, pulling me from my thoughts.
I turn to see Dwight running towards me and I sigh, feeling exhausted.
"Please." He says, coming to a stop.
"What?" I ask, turning around to face him.
He takes a look at me and frowns. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I snap to hide the emotions I feel coming.
He sighs, looking up at the sky. "Look, I'm sorry about earlier. I just want to pro-"
"Protect me, I know." I say, annoyed with everyone saying that. I'm not a baby. "I just wish y'all would understand that I'm not helpless. I can take care of myself, trust in my gut, basically everything y'all can do."
"I know that, I do Em. I just get bad vibes from him."
"You haven't even given him a chance." I mutter, trying to ignore the rising anger.
"We gave him a chance Em."
"Stop bringing him up! I'm so tired of everyone constantly bringing Mason up in every damn conversation!" I practically explode.
Silence falls between us and I sigh, hating the tension between us.
"Just give him a chance...for me?" I plead, wanting my best friend back.
"Fine...but I still don't like the guy." He mumbles under his breath like a child. I roll my eyes at him, the tense atmosphere disappearing.
"Thank you."
He sighs and smiles a little bit, pulling me in for a hug. "Of course Em, just know I'm going to have my guard up."
"Dwight you always have your guard up."
"For good reasons." He slings his arm around my shoulder. "Come on, I'll walk you to your car."
'~'
Tick, tock.
The silence was deafening.
Jake was sitting across from me, Caleb to my left as usual. Except it was unusually quiet. The only sound were our forks hitting our plates.
"Soooo...did any of you go to school today?" Dad says, breaking the awkward silence.
"Yeah where are my other children?" Mom asks.
"Jake and Kara ruined that." I mutter, stabbing my piece of chicken a little harder than necessary.
I feel Jake's gaze on me but I continue to stab my chicken.
"Honey the chicken's already dead. No need to make it worse." Mom informs me. I ignore her wise cracks and resume eating.
"We went through this Em, it was a mistake. I admitted to it, what more do you want?"
"For you two to make up?"
"She doesn't want to talk to me."
"You don't know that Jake. You haven't tried at all since the party."
"Neither has she!" He says, causing me to roll my eyes.
He scoffs before saying, "real mature Emma."
"Says you." I spit back.
"Okay, enough." Dad says, cutting off our banter.
Silence falls between us again, and I sigh.
"Must you two make every dinner awkward?" Caleb mutters from beside me.
"Shut up Caleb." Jake and I say in unison.
"Okay, that's weird. Stop that."
"You know what's weirder? Not having Kara at dinner..." I say under my breath.
"Okay Emma, enough." My mom says, giving me a pointed look while Jake glares at me.
"All I'm saying is that you-" I say nodding to Jake, "-need to talk to her."
"Yeah and I will when she's willing to hear me out." He says.
My head turns to Caleb when I hear a clang. "Y'all are so freaking annoying. Why can't we ever just eat without you two having some petty fight? " Caleb says, pushing his chair back and storming out.
My mom sighs, picking up her fork to just continue eating. My dad shakes his head at us before continuing to eat as well.
I feel bad, glancing over at Caleb's unfinished dinner. Pushing back my chair, I get up to go after him.
"I'll go get him." I say, causing my parents to nod. Jake doesn't say anything.
Caleb has always been someone who doesn't talk about his feelings. He lets them build up until they explode, which makes me feel like this isn't the only thing bothering him.
When I reach his room, I knock twice. "Caleb?"
"Go away Em, I'm not in the mood." He calls out from the other side of the door.
I go to open the door, but it's locked. Smirking to myself, I go downstairs to where my parents keep the extra keys and grab the one for his room. I unlock the door, and open it, walking in.
Caleb's head turns towards me, a glare replacing his surprised face.
"How-" He starts but then sees me swirling the keys in my hand. "Of course...' he says rolling his eyes. He doesn't say anything when I sit down beside him on his bed.
"What's wrong Caleb?" I ask softly.
"It's nothing." He mumbles.
"Is it really nothing, or are you lying?" I ask, giving him a pointed look.
"I just--I feel so helpless lately."
"Helpless? Why?" I ask, genuinely shocked. That's the last thing I expected him to say.
"I have a friend and she's going through a lot right now. I want to help her, but I just keep thinking about how I couldn't help you...so what makes me think I can help her?"
"Caleb...just like Jake, you were with me every step of the way. Don't think that you didn't help me because you did, a lot." I say assuring him.
"Hey-" I put my hand on his shoulder and he looks at me. "-just like how you supported me, do the same for this girl. Be there for her, comfort her and tell her you're there when she needs you."
He nods and goes back to looking out the window. I recognize the look on his face. He looks so sad.
"You know we're here if you need to talk right?" I tell him softly.
"I hope that 'we' you're referring to isn't you and Jake because if so, y'all have enough problems of your own." Caleb says.
"We won't let our problems overshadow yours Caleb. Even when we're fighting, come to us you idiot, don't bottle it up."
Speak for yourself Emma.
"Yeah alright." He says quietly. I grin, ruffling his hair and he swats my hand away, shooing me out of his room.
I stop before fully going out the door.
"Love you Caleb."
"Love you too." He replies and I grin shutting the door softly.
I go back downstairs to return the keys and I'm met with Jake leaning against the counter.
"What? Ready for round two?" I ask sarcastically.
"Emma...please. I need my sister." He says, and I feel my anger slipping away when I see how sad his eyes look.
I sigh and hoist myself on the countertop opposite of where he was standing.
"Okay fine. Let's start with the fact that you like Kara." I say.
"Yeah...I do."
"Sooo tell her." He glares at me and I put up my finger to stop him from speaking before I'm finished.
"Jake there's only so much flirting and dancing around you can do before you have to eventually tell her how you feel directly. She needs to hear the words come from you."
"It's not as-"
"Easy? Trust me it is. Pull her aside where both of you are alone and just let it flow naturally. Be yourself Jake."
He runs a hand through his hair frustratedly but finally nods at the end.
"Alright, I'll give it a try." He says.
I breathe out a huge sigh of relief. It's about time.
Jumping down from the counter, I pull him into a hug.
"Thanks Em."
"Of course Jake." I smile at him when we break apart, glad that all this built up tension is gone.
"Is it safe to come in now?" We both turn our heads to the doorway of the kitchen to see our parents heads sticking out.
Jake and I burst out laughing at them and everything finally feels okay again.
Until it wasn't...
'~'
"Emma?" Alex says, pulling me back to reality.
"Yeah?" I ask, looking down at my paper. We're currently in government, and working in groups on some stupid paper. I'm not really focused on it though.
"You okay?" He asks me, a concerned look on his face.
"Yeah, I'm just tired." I tell him.
Of living.
He doesn't look convinced but doesn't say anything, just going back to working on our worksheet.
"Yeah, I wonder how she even got on the team to begin with." Bridgett says to Mason. They aren't too far behind me, so it's easier to overhear their conversations.
"Probably because she throws her pity party everywhere she goes." Mason says back, causing Bridgett to laugh.
Why do I feel like this is about me?
"The team is better off without her and her stupid mistakes."
"Who's to say she isn't the mistake?" Mason says, laughing along with Bridgett.
I go still.
"I don't know what coach was thinking giving her the captain role. She's anything but."
My pencil drops and that brings me back from their conversation. I quickly pick it up, turning my attention to the worksheet to get their voices out of my head.
"Emma?" Alex says, reaching over to hold my hand. "What's wrong?"
"N..nothing. I..." I trail off, their voices filling my thoughts.
She throws her pity party everywhere she goes.
Who's to say she isn't the mistake.
"She's probably as bad at being captain as she was in bed." Mason says, causing my heart to drop.
I immediately stand up, feeling tears coming. Walking towards the door, I throw it open.
"Emma Richardson! Where are you going?" The teacher calls out, but I ignore him.
Walking out of the classroom, I walk as fast as I can to the bathroom before the tears fall.
Why can't they just let me live my life?
'~'
"Emma! You missed the move yet again! You're the flyer for a reason. Everyone's eyes are going to be on you! Stop getting it wrong!" Bridgett's constant yelling echoes throughout the field as I struggle through practice yet again.
"Just give it a rest Bridgett!" I yell back, over her yelling.
"Ladies enough!" Coach Wilson yells at us. "Run it again and Emma please get it together out there!"
We get in formation to run it again, but I mess up the beat at the very beginning, causing the team to groan.
"I'm sorry!" I say exasperatedly, throwing my hands up.
"Girls take five, I have to run to the office really quick and Lord knows y'all need a break." Coach Wilson says, turning to leave.
I walk over to the edge of the track and sit down, putting my head in my hands.
Why am I such a screw up?
"Em?" Kara asks, coming to sit next to me.
"What?" I ask, my voice hard.
"What's going on? You're really struggling out there. It's not like you." She says.
As if I didn't already know that.
"Thanks for pointing out the obvious." I mumble.
I sigh, looking over at where the football team is practicing. Well, where their practice is ending. Have we really been working on this one routine for this long?
"Come on Em, we'll just try again, you'll get it." Kara says, offering her hand to me. I grab it and pull myself up.
We start to walk back to our places but a flash of red hair walks angrily right up to me.
"I've just about had it with your screw ups Richardson!" Bridgett says
I turn to walk away, feeling my anger rise steadily. She still doesn't take the hint, forcibly pulling my arm to where I turn around.
"Get your hands off of me Bridgett." I say, my voice low.
"Why don't you make me? Oh wait, you'd probably mess that up too." She says, a smirk on her face.
And just like that, I snap.
I lunge towards her, knocking her down to the ground. A surprised yell leaves her mouth as we fall. I jump into action since she's surprised and punch her, causing her head to whip to the side.
I take advantage of the shock coursing through her and try to punch her again, but her hand flies at my face. Her long manicured nails manage to cut my cheek and pain erupts in my face.
As we continue to fight, I hear lots of noise around us. Kara is yelling for me to stop, but I ignore her.
I'm just so angry.
Bridgett throws me off her and begins trying to hit me. But as her fist comes towards me, I catch it and twist her arm.
No one is going to hurt me like he did.
Not again.
I reel my arm back for another hit, angry tears building up in my eyes. Time seems to slow as I near her face but my fist doesn't connect.
I struggle against Jake's grip on my fist.
"Let go of me!" I practically scream, angry tears falling from my eyes. "Let me hit her!"
I use my other arm to try and free Jake's grasp, but Caleb grabs it. I fight against their hold on me, my tears continuing to distort my vision.
"Em...take a deep breath. She's not--." Jake starts.
"No! He deserves it." I hear Jake suck in a sharp breath before I'm hauled off by my waist.
"Let me go!" I yell, thrashing as he walks away with me in his arms.
It's only when I'm far enough away that I see the entire scene. Half of the football team was there trying to separate us. Some of them are currently trying to help Bridgett up from the ground.
"Jake...let me go." I say, taking in deep but shaky breaths.
"No, just take a minute Em." He says softly, still holding me.
"What did I do?" I say quietly, sobs racking my body.
He brings me in for a hug, holding me tight.
"Em, sometimes anger just gets the best of us." Caleb says, rubbing my back.
"I'm worse than him..." I cry, feeling the guilt rise in me.
"Don't say that Em." Caleb says, his voice hard. "You're nothing like him."
I glance down at the blood on my hand, and I feel bile build up in my throat.
As I cry in Jake's arms, I feel the guilt rise more and more.
What have I done?
'~'
"Ladies...what was that?" Coach Wilson asks Bridgett and I as we're sitting in her office.
Bridgett has a tissue plugged up her nose to keep it from bleeding and the beginnings of a black eye, as do I.
I don't make eye contact with Coach Wilson and just stare at the ground in silence.
"Who started it?" She asks when none of us say anything.
Bridgett is quick to answer that question.
"She did!" Bridgett says, pointing at me.
"Emma is that true?" Coach Wilson asks me.
I just nod, not making eye contact.
"Why? What did you think you would gain from starting a fight?" She asks me.
I just shrug, not trusting myself to speak. Coach Wilson just sighs.
"Bridgett you can go. Emma, please stay behind."
Bridgett gets up to leave, giving me a smirk before she leaves. I seriously hate her.
"Emma, you're the captain of this team. You're supposed to be a leader, and that wasn't leading today."
I can't lead. I'm not good enough.
"What's the point of this?" I blurt out.
"What?" Coach Wilson says blinking.
"What's the point of cheerleading? Are we just supposed to cheer with all of our fake smiles pretending that life is something worth being happy about?" I say, finally making eye contact.
"Emma...do you have something going on?"
"Does it honestly matter? You can't fix it, I can't fix it, nobody can fix it."
She takes a deep breath, putting her fingers on her temples.
"Okay, what I'm about to say is only because I'm worried about you. I think you need to take a break, focus on yourself a little bit more."
"No...." I say.
"Emma, it's what you need."
"No, I don't need a break. I need to stop pretending I'm something that I'm not."
"What do you mean?"
"I quit."
And with that, I get up and walk out, making sure to let the door slam behind me.
I can't do this anymore.
'~'
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~Marie Black :)