I swallow nervously. Then I decide to just spit it out. Waiting isn't going to make it un-happen.
He started touching my dick.. rubbing it and stuff. I remember feeling kind of confused as to why he would do that. But I didn't stop him or move away or anything. I just let him. He was so happy afterwards. He called me a good boy and he kissed me.
"Don't tell anyone.. or we'll both be in a lot of trouble.." He said afterwards. He kept stressing how terrible it'd be if anyone'd find out. How we'd both be dead pretty much. Of course I believed him.
It was a few months later when he started wanting to do other stuff. He wanted to.. suck me off. And he wanted me to do it to him too.
He pulled his pants down and I just freaked out. I started crying..
"It's okay, don't be scared.." He comforted me. "Do you love me? Do you love me?" He kept pushing.
I nodded.
"This is how we show love, okay? Try it."
He forced me to do it. I really didn't want to. And that's when it all got kind of fucked up for me. That's when he got scary. He wanted to do all kinds of nasty, filthy shit to me.
Everything changed. I got quieter in class. I thought maybe if I was a better student he'd leave me alone. I started having nightmares and there was a long time where I refused to sleep cause every time I closed my eyes I saw his penetrating green gaze. It terrified me.
It was so weird.. because on one side I hated him for doing that stuff to me.. but on the other side it felt like he was the only person that cared about me. I loved him.. and I hated him. Maybe I didn't love him. I just needed him. I needed to feel loved.
One time after class I just took off. Without coming to him. He punished me for that the next day. He hit me with his belt. And then he forced me to do that shit to him again..
I'm whispering at this point. The wounds from everything that happened are so painful and talking about it makes it seem like it happened yesterday. All the while Aron is holding me and listening attentively. I can see his other hand ball up into a fist of anger.
That went on for a few years. I didn't tell anyone of course. I was convinced that would be the end of me.
It was when I turned eleven that things took another turn. At this point we were doing this kind of stuff multiple times a week. Not just Fridays anymore.
It was my birthday and he said we were going to celebrate.
I walked into the empty classroom. I played with the sleeves of my big vest.
I lingered by the door.
"Come on in." He urged. I nodded and walked inside. I closed the door behind me.
It was late and there was nobody at the school anymore. Just me and him.
"What's up?" I asked casually as I sat down on his desk.
"What, you're not gonna sit on my lap?" He smiled.
"I'm too old for that now." I joked.
He laughed that roaring laugh of his.
He leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. He shoved his tongue down my throat, like always. I kissed him back.
"Since you're a big boy now—"
"I'm not a boy, I'm a man!" I croaked. My voice was beginning to get lower too. I was one of the first kids in class to hit puberty.
That didn't stop him.
"Right.. my little man." He smiled.
"I will give you a special birthday gift."
That was the first night he took me to his house. He lived in a small little house on a hill. There were no neighbors, no one even remotely close to him. Now I think that might haven been for a reason.
That night we made out and he touched me everywhere. We did all the shit we always did.. But then he did something new. He pinned me against the bed and he.. He started going inside. It hurt like hell so I begged him to stop. He didn't. He just kept going and going. I had never felt such pain before. I couldn't take it. I wanted to get away so bad.. I just somehow managed to leave my body. I went somewhere else with my mind. And I don't remember the rest of that night.
I remember the days after. I was sick and stayed home. I was in such pain.
He forced me to have sex with him all the time after that. At that point I really hated him. He didn't give a flying fuck how much he hurt me. All he cared about was getting off.
That continued until I was twelve. That's when we moved and I never saw his face again.
I had decided that for from that moment on I would change. I refused to let anyone take advantage of me again. I built up these walls to keep everyone out. I only told them the shallow things. And everyone ate it. I had everything that guys my age dream of.. Popularity, a hot girlfriend, a car. But as much as I tried to escape the past.. The pain never left. The memories may have.. but the pain.. Sometimes it's dull and it's like its not even there. Just this numb feeling that nothing matters.. and other times it feels like the world's ending and I'm screaming my lungs out.
Last summer was particularly bad. All my friends had left for vacation or something of the sort. Leaving me all alone. Alone with my thoughts. And my pain. I just couldn't take it anymore. I thought 'Why am I in so much pain? I've done everything right, haven't I?' I couldn't see a way out. I knew I was always going to feel this way so I..
I swallow.
I went into a shed that belonged to my apartment complex.. With my dad's tie. It was one of the few things I have of him.
I tried to.. kill myself. But the wood I had tied the tie to was pretty old and rotten. It let loose and I fell, on my back to the ground. Evan lives in the same apartment as I do. He must've been walking outside or something.. He heard a scream so he ran inside and found me on the floor in pain.
It was so fucking stupid. He must've thought I was an idiot.
Evan never told anybody. And I never tried again after that. It was a stupid move anyway.
That's where my back injury is from.
I look to my side at Aron. His eyes are wet.
"Are you crying?" I ask, confused. I've never seen him cry.
"No." He pinches his eyes.
At this point it's already dark and the stars are out.
"Jesus!" He screams into his hand as tears stream down his face.
"You don't have to be sad about it. It was all my own fault anyway." I stare out at the moonlit ocean.
"How can you say that! How is anything that happened your fault?! You were a fucking kid!" His voice breaks.
I fumble with my hands.
"Maybe if I'd paid more attention in class.. None of this would have happened." I almost whisper. I flinch at the pain of the words I've thought over and over again and never said out loud. And as I say it, I know that it's true. If I'd just been a good student none of this shit would've happened. He wouldn't have called me to stay late. None of that. I could have prevented this. Right?
Aron grabs my arms and looks into my eyes. His eyes burning with rage and sadness.
"It's not your fault, okay! He would've done it anyway! He's a sick fuck! It wasn't your fault!" He shakes me with urgency as he says this.
"Then why did it only happen to me? None of my other classmates—" I begin to cry.
"You don't know that. There could have been more." He counters.
I nod. I guess he's right. It's not like I ever asked anyone.. There could have been others before or after me. But I just don't get why. Why me? The only thing I can think of was that I was so annoying. If I'd just been like my classmates... I can't shake the thought.
I wipe away my tears.
"Anyway.. now you know why I'm such a fucking mess" I laugh darkly.
Aron pulls me close and I hold onto him. His warmth comforts me. He holds me tight. I feel so safe with him.
"You're not a mess. You're perfect the way you are."