I am sinking
Too deep for me to understand
Too fast for me to think
Your beauty has broken my wall
Your tears is my downfall
My wish of been with you
Will never die
In thought of you I wallow
You're my utmost need, other things follows
................... ................... ................
Aom didn't know what to do now. As a doctor she should just do her job but as a human being, she understand the pain that man was going through. Even she was feeling the same. But for Mew, it was different. He wasn't just feeling the pain. He was going through all those moments when he thought he truly has lost the one person he cannot live without. Every second was playing before his eyes. And each and every scenery was making him more and more afraid as he buried his face in that man's shirt, trying to not let go of the death grip he had on Gulf's shirt. Cause he was afraid. He was very afraid that if he let go, this man will vanish again. Leaving him to that dark scary place again where he cannot find the black eyed man.
"Mew...listen to me. it's necessary. You've to let them give the medicine." Gulf's voice was laced with worries but the other man only held onto him again hiding his face in his chest. "If you don't let them give the medicines it will hurt more later.."
But Mew only shook his head clutching onto his shirt more tightly refusing to look at anyone. He had been like this since Gulf had to carry him from outside the room into here. He was refusing to let go of him but he needed care. Everyone can see that he was in pain from the wound that still were fresh. But that man refused to take any kind of treatment.
"Mew..." Gulf tried to slowly untangle his hand from his shirt but that man only snuggled even closer leaving no place between them. "What do want then? Do you want to be in pain that much?" he screamed in frustration. He could clearly see that this man was in pain but still he was refusing to do anything about it.
"You....will..Le..leave.."
His voice was so low that it took a second for Gulf to understand those. "What?"
Those brown eyes finally looked at him. There were pain in there but the fear in them was even more. "If i...take..them it will make me sleep. And you'll leave me then."
He couldn't say anything for a moment. This idiot...is that the reason he was refusing treatment too in fear that it will make him fall asleep and he thinks that he will leave him when he does!.
"Mew..." He brushed the hair away from his eyes. "I'll be right here. When you will wake up, it will be me you will see first. I promised you didn't I?"
The other man's lip trembled as he gripped Gulf's fingers tightly. "You said it before too. You promised me before too. And still you left. You left me all alone. You left me to suffer all these years...You didn't kept your promise, Gulf."
He couldn't say anything to that. Every words leaving his moth was true. He did broke his promise again and again. He blinked several times to not let the tears fall as he looked at the brown eyed man on his lap. "This time..."He slowly pulled him closer, placing a soft kiss on his forehead. "This time I won't go. I won't leave your side ever again. Even if you get tired of me one day, I will still hold onto you...This I promise you."
Mew looked at him with teary eyes for a few moment. As if trying to decide if he can trust his words or not. And the distrust Gulf was seeing in those eyes were stabbing like a knife to his heart.
But he didn't let the hurt show on his face. Instead, he tried to smile reassuringly at him. "Please..Let them give the medicine..Trust me one more time." He tried to plead again.
Various emotions played across Mew's face as he looks at him. The distrust still presents in his eyes. Gulf was ready to do anything for that to go away.
"Ok but..."That brown eyed man held onto his neck burying his face in his neck again. "You've to stay like this. You have to keep holding me like this until I wake up."
Slowly a soft smile appeared on Gulf's lips as he grabbed onto the other man pulling him to himself. "I will be here just like this."
Mew seems to be hesitant but still didn't protest when Aom pused the needle in his hand. He can slowly feel the darkness taking over him. Just like those times when he was all alone in that place where this man didn't existed. But this time he wasn't afraid at all. Cause this time he can feel two hands wrapped around him as he drifted into unconscious ...He knew there was nothing to be afraid of anymore. He knew it fully because after a very long time he felt safe. He felt at home.
"He is asleep now. You can let him go."
Gulf looked at the source of the voice. Preeda was looking at him with nothing but resentment. "Now you know it fully why I wanted him out of your reach."
He knew. He understand totally. The big bandage on the sleeping man's face was the proof of it.
"He...he is my only son, Mr. Kanawut." Mew's mother set at the hospital bed looking at his son who was sleeping in the other man's embrace without any sign of pain in his face, "I don't want to lose him. Today this happened. Who knows what will happen in the future. My baby...I haven't seen him smile fully in five years. I've seen him suffering alone. Don't increase his pains anymore....."
She broke down into tears and It was making him feel guilty again. Mew's mother was right. If he didn't meet Mew that day five years ago, none of this would've happened. He wouldn't have to go through what he did. he would've been happy. Without him. Everything would've been just in their right place. If only..
"Gu..Gulf.."
That whisper snapped him out of the daze as he hurriedly looked at the man in his arms. His eyes were still closed with a troubled expression on his face. "I'm right here." He brush his hand through his hair. It seems to calm him down as he went back to sleep again.
It was only then when Gulf look up at the people before him. "Yes. You are right. If I wasn't here he would've been fine. But I can't change that." He looked at Preeda's eyes. "I'm a very selfish person, Preeda. More than my grandfather. And I know that I'm not that much of a good person either. But.." He hugged the sleeping man tightly. "But for some reason, for some unknown foolish reason, this man love me. He wants me beside him. And as long as he does, I'm not gonna leave him again. Not for you..." He looked at Mrs. Suppasit with apolizing eyes. "Not for anyone."
The gravity of those words seems to settle in everyone's mind. Mrs. Suppasit looked at her son. She had to admit. Despite everything, this was the first time in five years, she was seeing her son without that troubled expression he always tried to hide. She looked back at the black eyed man who was holding onto him with both hands as if ready to fight anyone who try to snatch him away from his arms.
"Gulf...even after everything..." Preeda began to say again but Mrs. Suppasit's words stopped her.
"Promise me that he will never cry again. Promise me that I will see the same carefree happy smile on my son's face I used to see five years ago." Tears gather in her eyes as she looked directly at Gulf. "Promise me that you'll always protect him. Promise me that You'll never hurt him."
Gulf looked at her with a assuring smile feeling relieved that at least she wasn't asking him to go away again. "I promise Aunty. I will do everything in my power to assure that he will never get hurt. Never again. I'll never let his smile fade away. Cause that smile is something that I treasure very much. I promise you."
This seems to satisfy her as she stood up from the bed. Slowly her hand caresses Mew's face before stepping back. "I'm trusting you with my son."
"I won't dissapoint you." His words bought a smile on her face as she slolwy exited the room taking a very angry Preeda with her.
A smile appeared in Gulf's lips. Slowly guilt turned into happiness as he looked at the man in his arms. "You still sleep like a child." His fingers brushed over the sleeping man's cheek with adoration. He was feeling relief. Cause he never thought that it will be possible again to do this ever again. He never thought that it was even possible to touch this man ever again.
"I'm never letting you go again. Never."
"Yeah, I get that much." Gun said with a smile while entering the room. "But Don't you think you're forgetting something?"
Gulf arched a brow looking at his friend with annoyance. "What are you talking about?"
"My oscar. You're forgetting my oscar. My act was out of this world. Admit it Kanawut, I'm the bets actor ever,"
Gulf looked at his friend thinking exactly what kind of crimes he did before to get a friend like that. "Yeah..I will give you your oscar. Just wait till I cut your pay check to buy that award first."
"You're so cruel. I'm hurt. Off, he hurt me." He turned to his boyfriend pouting trying to act hurt.
But Off was looking at Gulf who looked at him as if he was daring him to say something. "I think I will stay out of your friendly quarrel." He tried to laugh it off making Gun glare at him. Damn it. He was doomed. A sigh left Off's lips as he think of another week in the couch. He really was doomed.
He looked at Gulf again. "Thanks to you, now I have to go one more week without my bed. At least tell me what exactly happened. We all thought you are dead."
Gulf knew this question was coming. He was trying to avoid it. But maybe it's time to tell the truth. the truth about what happened that day....
He looked away from Mew. His eyes settled on the scenery outside the window. "Where should i strat from?"
.................. .................. ......................
One Week ago
His eyes were on the other man whose eyes were covered with the blindfold now. And Gulf was really grateful. He doesn't want to be a memory that will only hurt this man later. He doesn't want to leave while seeing tears in those eyes.
Gulf looked at that man again who keep struggling on the chair trying to get free. Then his eyes fell on San who seems like was enjoying it a little too much.
Slowly he put his hand on the trigger. But before he can do what he was about to do a loud Gun shot made him stop as he looked back with furrowed eyes. It took him a moment to finally understand what was happening. The place was surrounded by police already. His eyes fell on his friend who was standing at the doorway behind Richard with relief showing all over his face.
And finally he understood what has happened. That stupid friend of his has somehow heard it when he was talking with San over the phone. But still, he never thought he will be that much happy to see his friend.
"Gu...Gulf..?
That one whisper made him snapped out of his daze as he hurriedly looked behind. San was on the floor. Blood was pooling around his head. But that man, his head was fallen forward. "MEW.." He ran towards the other man. Hurriedly untying his hands. But he didn't respond.
"Mew..." He took off the blindfold. He was senseless. "Damn it." It felt like a stone was suddenly placed on top of his heart as he carried the man in his arms.
"I need help...I need to get to get him to the hospital." A tear left his eyes unconsciously as he looked at Richard. That man seems to understand it.
"Take my car."
Gulf didn't wait a minute after that. He almost ran towards the car with Gun following from behind.
Gun took on the driver seat while Gulf hurriedly put the other man on the backseat with care and then soon sitting beside him. His heart was beating too loudly as he tried to calm himself down. But that man's unresponsive body was making it harder for him. "Hurry the fuck up. Drive fast."
Gun seems to understand him as he tried to drive even faster. "Calm down. He will be alright." He tried to make that man feel at ease but he didn't respond. He was only sitting there holding the man's body tightly. Afraid that he will lose him if he let go even for a moment. Every second was turning into hour for him until they reached the hospital.
Gulf almost flew out of there holding the man still in his arms. He was afraid to let go. He didn't even want to let go when the doctor asked him. Gun had to hold him from following the man inside the room.
For the next two hour, he did nothing but sit outside the hospital room. Gun keep trying to console him but his mind wasn't on him. His mind and heart, both were with the man inside the OT.
He didn't knew exactly how long he was sitting there for when he felt a strong grip on his shoulder. He looked up at Richard who was looking at him with concern now.
"How is he?"
Gulf couldn't answer. Instead, tears started falling from his eyes as he looked down again. "I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.."
"Mr, Kanawut, you've to be strong for him."
"It's all my fault. If only I wasn't in his life. If only.." He broke down again.
"It's not your fault...It's...someone else's."
The hesitation in Richard's voice caught his attention as he looked up. The fear and anger in Richard's face were as clear as day. He was hiding something from him.
"What is it? What is it that you're not telling me?"
The other man seems to be rethinking if he should tell him or not. Then he looked at Gun.
"Do you want me to go?"Gun offered sensing the hesitation in the detective's face.
"You can say it now. He is my friend. I trust him."
The detective seems to be thinking something before saying what he knew all along. It was just his stupid heart that thought that maybe..just maybe it wasn't true.
"It's your grandfather."
He can hear Gun gasping in surprise but he wasn't startled with the news. He slowly stood up going towards the window. The guiltiness eating at him. He should've done what he wanted to do a long time ago. That way he could've stopped this from happening.
"What about San?" Gun asked Richard. But even that name cause anger within Gulf so much that he had to hold onto the window railing to not do something now.
"He has been taken to the hospital already. But after this, he won't be able to get himself free from this mess." Richard looked at Gulf then. The black eyed man seems to be deep in thoughts. "It was your grandfather who ordered it. Apparently, San was involved in his shady crimes from a long time ago. Even his father.."
Gulf looked at Richard with a curious brow. "His father?"
"Yes..it seems like his father knew your grandfather from along time ago and he did some work for him before. But sadly this won't be able to put Mr. Gary Kanawut behind the bars."
Gulf's mind was thinking. Taking all the information in. He was about to question him more when the doctor appeared in the hallway.
Gulf hurriedly ran towards him. His heart was already beating too loudly in fear. "How is he?"
The doctor looked at him with sympathy and it made him even more scared.
No. It can't be what he was thinking. That man has to be ok. "Why aren't you telling me? HOW IS HE?"
"The patient's condition is not ok. It seems like what has happened has left him in trauma. We had to revive him twice during the operation. He is...." The doctor seems at a loss for words. "Mr. Kanawut, I don't know how to say this but...
"But what?" He whispered not trusting his own ear suddenly. It has to be a mistake. There must be a mistake. "He will be ok, won't he?"
"Mr. Kanawut...from what I've seen, the chances of surviving is fifty-fifty."
He couldn't hold himself anymore from falling down. Gun hurriedly went beside his friend holding him tightly as he saw the once powerful man breaking down completely before his own eyes.
Gulf held the doctor's hands looking up at him. "Save him" He begged with tears streaming down his face. "I'll give you whatever amount of money you want. But please..save that man. I...I don't have anyone else besides him. Please...." He broke down into sobs. "Save that man...please..""
"I will try my best, Mr. Kanawut." The doctor tried to console the crying man. People were looking at the scene from afar. But Gulf didn't care. He doesn't care about anything anymore. He just wants that man. Breathing, smiling, walking beside him. Or without him. He doesn't care. As long as he can see that man is ok and happy, he won't ask for anything else.
And for that, he was willing to do anything. Even if that means giving up his everything.
"Gulf..."Gun held him pulling him up. "He will be ok. You've to be strong for him right now..please..."
Gulf nodded tearfully then looking at the doctor again. Where is he? Can I see him?"
"We have transferred him to the I.C.U. You can see him now."
Gulf nodded at the doctor then stood up from the ground and started walking towards the I.C.U. It took him more than five minutes to just open the door. His hands were shaking badly as he tried to stop breaking down into sobs again.
I've to control myself. For him. Only for him.
With a sigh, he pushed the door open and stood there for a while. Not knowing what to do. The man in front of him wasn't the person he knew so well. This man who was lying down without any motion with several bandages on his body was not the man he knew. It was the man he loved and at the same time, it was not the man he fell in love with at all. It was the man who he ruined.
His feet started to walk on their own not stopping till he reached in front of the bed where that man was lying down. Tubes attached to his body, The life support machine beeping with every up and down of his chest. Gulf can clearly see that he has lost wights. He can almost see the bones in his body now.
"M..Mew.." A whisper left his lips as he slowly caresses the other man's face. One side of his face was badly injured. His fingers slowly brush over the bandaged area under his eyes. It was all because of him. He shut his eyes trying to not let the tears fall but in the end couldn't stop himself anymore from breaking down.
"I..I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...this...this is all my fault. I..I should've left..you alone from the beginning.." He was cursing at himself now. He wished..how much he wished he didn't existed. Then this wouldn't have happened.
"Gulf..."
He looked behind at his friend who was also crying while looking at the man on the hospital bed.
"Atthapahan...My mom was right all along." He whispered with a smile. But the tears in his eyes were saying a different story altogether. " I really am a monster. My real mother died after I was born. Father left case he couldn't bear to look at me. And the one I used to know as my mother hanged herself cause she couldn't bear my presence....
"G..Gulf..." Gun's voice broke down.
"And this.." He looked back at the man lying on the bed. "This is the man I claim to love but..Nobody gave him more pain than me...am I.." He looked back at Gun again. "Am I a curse, Atthapahan? Why do I always end up hurting the people I love...Why..."
"Stop it...stop it right now." Gun's voice was stern. His eyes looked angry as he looked at his friend. "You are a rude, scary and selfish bastard. You are many things Kanawut. But a curse isn't one of them. Do you hear me. None of this is your fault."
A loud laughter left his lips as he sat beside Mew looking at the sleeping face. "It is my fault. Sometimes..sometimes I wish that he never met me. That I never should've existed in the first place.."
"Don't make me punch you Kanawut." Gun came infront of him. "You might be selfish. But I have seen you loving him with all you got. I have seen how many times you sacrificed your happiness to ensure his. Do you think I don't know why you walked away five years ago. Do you think I don't know why you agreed to marry Eleanor? Do you really think I wouldn't find out?"
"But in the end, I still couldn't save him. The only man I promised to love. The man I promise to never hurt.." a tear fell from his eyes as he slowly brush his fingers over those soft brown locks. "The man I promised to protect...I failed..I failed Gun...I failed"
Gun didn't say anything anymore. He knew nothing will get through this man's head now. He was not ready to listen to anyone. So he did the only thing he could then. He embraced that man who was crying helplessly now. His anguish, his pain, was so much overwhelming that even Gun could feel the heartache now.
"Mr. Kanawut.."
Gulf looked at the police chief looking at him with guilty eyes. "I don't think it happened because of you. It was your grandfather. I think it was your grandfather behind your father's dead too. But..we can't prove anything...it's like that man hide every proof. Just vanished them completely.
"Of course he did. Nothing much can be expected from Gary Kanawut after all." Anger misplaced Gulf's pain as he balled his fist.
A sigh left the police chief's lips as he looked at the unconscious man. "I'm sorry Sir. We couldn't do anything to help you sooner."
Gulf nodded at him wiping his tears away then taking back that man's hand in his. He looked so peaceful. There was no trace of any pain on that face. There were only calmness. He looked at peace. As if dreaming.
He wanted to reach inside those dreams to see exactly what he was seeing. He wanted more than anything to be a part of it.
"From what we find, he was involved in a accident five years ago too. On you grandfather's command?
Gulf looked away from Mew. "And you still can't find enough proof to send him behind the bar? Is that it, Richard? Can you even call yourself a police chief right now?"
"Sir..." Richard looked down. The guilt was eating him up. This black eyed man saved him before when he was on the verge of getting behind the bar himself. And he can't do anything to help him now at all.
"Fine. Then I will do it."
Richard's head snapped towards Gulf as if he was seeing a ghost. "What do you mean."
Gulf didn't replied him. Instead he looked at the sleeping man. Their fingers were still intertwined. "You cannot harm Gary Kanawut. But I can. After all,I'm a kanawut myself."
He bent down placing a kiss on Mew's forehead. "I'll give you the proof." He placed Mew's hand on the bed then slowly stood up. "If there is anything that old man ever feared then it was his legacy going away. His name fading away without a heir to keep it going on."
He looked at Richard. There was no pain or anguish in his eyes anymore. There were only determination and hatred that were ready to burn anyone alive. "Do you know when a Tiger get out of his cave? It's when he is afraid."
"Si..Sir..exactly what are you planning to do?"
A smile appear on his lips and Richard could swear he has never seen a man more terrifying when smiling except the man standing in front of him now.
"It's simple. I'm gonna make him afraid. I'm gonna teach him exactly how it feels to be scared. How it feels to be helpless. Exactly how much it hurts...."He looked at Mew again. "When you think your world is crashing down. I'm gonna destroy that man."He looks away trying to not let the tears that were gathering in his eyes fall. He cannot cry anymore. It is not the time to let these tears go." But there is one thing I need you to do for me."
"Anything.." Richard replied without a hesitation.
"Make me dead."
For a moment there were pin dropping silence in that room as two pairs of eyes look at him with confusion.
"Gulf, do you even know what you are asking for?" Gun exclaimed in horror. Did his friend finally gone mad?
"I never ask for things that I am not sure of. All I'm asking for is your help."
Those black eye fell on Richard as the police chief node in response. He looked at his still angry friend then. "This is the only way Gun. Trust me on this. I know what am I doing."
"What you are doing is sacrificing your life to save him. You are presenting yourself as the bait, Gulf and I am sorry. But I am selfish. I don't want anything to happen to you."
He can't help but chuckle. "I knew you were a softie at heart.
"Don't talk to me, you prick." He sniffled trying to hold in the tears.
A sigh left his lips as he look at his friend. Tears were glistening in his eyes too now. "Till I return, I'm leaving him to your care. I don't trust anyone else Atthapahan."
"NO..I don't want him. Take your man with you. What do you think I'm gonna tell him if he wakes up? He is gonna ask for you. What am I gonna do then You selfish bastard."
A dark could of doubt settle over Gulf's eyes as he looks at the unconscious man. "He have his family. Inform them after I am gone from here. He will be ok with them."
"But.."
"Don't try to make me not do it. Cause I don't have any other choice." He can still hear Gun grumble in response. But he paid him no mind while going near the man he love again.
"I love you..." He whispered. a lonely tear escape from his eyes. as he slowly caressed his cheek. "I will always love you"
"Are you sure of it?"
Gulf wiped his tear away finally looking at Richard. "I've never been more sure of anything else."
..................... .............. ...............
off couldn't do anything but look at the man with wonder. The man who was sitting on the hospital bed with his arms tightly wrapped around the man who was now sleeping in peace unaware of all that has happened.
And for the hundred times he hought again. Exactly how much can you love a person to the point of being ready to sacrifice your own happiness for that man. Exactly how much?
"Gulf Kanawut, I don't think you are that cold hearted selfish bastard that you make everyone think about yourself." He stood up looking at the man whose eyes were locked on the man sleeping in his embrace.
"I'm a cold hearted Bastard Off. And I am a selfish person. Very very selfish." His eyes till on Mew. "Otherwise I would've let him go a long time ago. But I can't. I'm too selfish cause I want to be happy. And my happiness is right here with him."
Just like how it always was. From the very first time that he looked at those brown eyes, his happiness has always had one meaning. One particular name to be precise. Mew Suppasit. The man who made his world come alive. the man who made him came out of the darkness. The man he cannot let go of anymore.
The man who owns his heart, rule over his mind. The man He loves. This stupid man who still loves him for some unknown reason.
And he knew one thing clearly. That this man was his. His man. His Mew.
........................ .................. ..............
Finally done. I wanna say sorry for updating so late. I was stuck with some personal problems. But here it is.
And I really thought I can finish it with one chapter. Obviously I was a fool. So one more chapter (hopefully) and then the epilogue.
Till we meet in the next chapter..Bye