Another puppy pic because I love this dog so much... ^^^
Words 2069
EMERY.
I let out a small breath as I knock onto Mark's door. My anxiety is above the roof right now. I'm nervous about tonight. I'm not feeling so good about this either.
I can't shake the thought in my head, 'don't do it. It's not worth it.' But I don't know if I believe that. I think that after tonight I'll be right back where I want to be: before I met Cole.
I jump out of my thoughts when he opens the door. His eyes are squinting to look at me and he has a cigarette in his hand. "Emery, hey." He says slowly, "c'mon in, c'mon in." He flings the door open wider as he walks down the hallway and sits on the couch in the living room. He pushes all the stuff spread out on the coffee table to the far left corner, patting the wood in front of him. "Sit down right here." He demands, but it sounds more like a suggestion.
I do what he wants and I sit. We are so close that I have to close my legs to fit them in between his. "So, tell me about yourself," he leans over and drops his cigarette in and ash tray, "how are you doing?"
He places his hands on my thighs and rubs them as I talk. "Um... I'm doing good. I don't know. How about you?" I can't help but tense at his hands slowly inching themselves up my waist.
"I'm..." he seems distracted, staring at my neck and he leans in taking ahold of it with his lips. "Good." He finally says, his lips trailing down my shoulder while his hands hold me close to him.
I close my eyes, trying to find the enjoyment. I can feel it. It's there, I just need to reach for it. He leans me down on the coffee table, his body going with mine as he bites at my collarbones.
I put my hands through his hair and all I can think about is how fucking crunchy it is. Why the fuck does he have to have hair gel in it? Cole's hair was always soft and fluffy.
I pull his waist closer to mine to drown out the thoughts I'm having, and we both let out a small breath of satisfaction. "God, I forgot how good you are at this and we haven't even started." His lips attach themselves to my neck again. He has always been a neck guy. That's the first thing he'd go for, not that I'm complaining, but I need to distract myself. What better way than to kiss his lips, and explore his mouth? Sounds fucking disgusting when you put kissing like that, but it's is so fucking good.
I pull his waist closer again, and he immediately starts fiddling with my jeans, but I grab ahold of his arm tightly. "Wait, kiss me first, Cole." Just as I say is when I realize my mistake and I open my mouth wide, my eyes widening as well. "Um..." I begin, but he only chuckles, leaning in and kissing my lips hard. I guess he doesn't care, does he? I mean, why would he care?
His lips are chapped and cracked and he tastes like smoke. It takes everything in me not to gag. I don't remember him tasting so... so... smoky? Cole had always tasted sweet. And his kisses were always warm even when they were rough.
"Emery... god, we got to do this now. I want you right now." Mark whines immediately once he stops kissing me, his hands go straight for my jeans, pulling them down and then working on his own. He pulls the condom out of his pocket, so perfectly prepared for this exact moment.
He never looks up at me, he never asks me if it's good for me too, and he never searches for my hand as he finishes. Total unsentimental sex. I used to think that's how all sex was, but now that I have been with Cole, I've realized that it's actually quite heartless and I don't like it.
He sits back on the couch, shutting his eyes and sinking down. He doesn't say anything and I'm honestly okay with that as I pull at my jeans and panties from around my ankles.
I'm definitely taking a shower when I get home. I don't like this feeling. I sit up from the coffee table, staring at him waiting for him to move. I don't know what I'm expecting from him, but I sit there and wait for it anyways. "I'm gonna go." I say in the most distant voice I can muster. If he's going to be distant, I will too. I won't be one of those girls who fucking cry when they don't get the attention they want afterwards. Even though I feel like doing that exact thing.
"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow at school." He says, his eyes shut tightly still. His waves his hand limply as a goodbye and I roll my eyes and walk out of his house. Well that didn't help anything.
I still remember every fucking detail about Cole, maybe even more now. You know what my go-to is next?
Drinking. Time to go to that party.
◉‿◉
When I get there everyone is huddled over a bottle. There's so many people that they have to separate and use three bottles— into three groups.
Tailey insist I play in her group but I tell her I don't want to play, I just want to drink. "Oh I gotcha." She says with a smile, nodding her head. "Go get yourself a drink and watch then. This is intense."
"Tailey has already pulled three guy's dicks and it's only been an hour." Some girl, who I always forget the name to, says. I roll my eyes, passing all of them to the kitchen.
I fling the swinging doors open and the first thing I think about it:
"Welcome to heaven, neighbor boy!"
I dart straight for the shot glasses and whiskey. Let's take some straight shots and drown this motherfucker out of my fucking head.
I down the first one before shaking my head in disgust. It's so strong when it's straight. I decide one more shot and then I'll make myself a coke and whiskey.
It turns into two more shots and then I'm tipsy enough to forget my coke and whiskey drink all together and I end up downing another shot.
After that one, I stick with a beer, walking back out into the living room to watch everyone's terrible life choices.
◉‿◉
By 10:30 I am wasted, my head is pressed against the couch arm rest, and my legs are hanging off the couch. I think those shots are finally kicking in. I'm having silly thoughts now.
Like, 'I wonder what it would be like if everyone loved each other. Would the world be perfect or would it just fucking suck? Because every good book has many emotions, not just love. Even the perfect books.' That one took me about an hour to think about. I'm trying to think of serious things, but my thoughts are slow and I keep getting distracted.
Or, 'what would happen if I called Cole right now?' Now that's a new thought. Where did that come from? I thought the alcohol was supposed to drown out the bad thoughts.
Oh wait, no... alcohol gives people bad ideas. But would it really be that bad of an idea? I wonder what he is doing. I huff out a chuckle, I wonder if he is doing anyone...
I wonder who it is, who could it be? Selena Gomez? That would be a sight to see. Or maybe that Lilly chick he won't talk about. Has he ever explained to me who she is? I don't think so. Maybe I should ask him.
I pull my phone out from my pocket, squinting my eyes at the screen. It's so bright it's giving me a headache.
I get up and stumble out into the backyard so I can sit and talk in private. I should be filled with anxiety right now but all I can seem to focus on is my one question. Who is Lilly?
I tap on his name, thankful that I didn't delete it from my contacts yet. I will after this, I know.
The black screen pops up. The one with all the buttons like the red end call button at the bottom, and then the speaker button at the top right. It's kind of blurry.
I squint my eyes at the screen and I realize that he has picked up the call. I quickly push it against my ear, waiting for him to speak.
"Emery?" He mutters, his voice sounds tired and cracked.
I open my mouth to ask my question but I can't seem to find it in my jumbled brain. Instead, my brain decides to ask him, "have you ever fucked Selena Gomez?" I sniffle in the cold air, my mind screaming at me to stop talking but I don't seem to care. Who cares what I say around him? I mean, he isn't going to see me ever again anyways.
It takes him a while to respond, "what?" I smile lightly at his word, I miss hearing him say 'what.' What a weird fucking thing to miss but damn do I miss it.
"I miss..." I trail off, my mind wandering through different things. What do I miss? Fuck, why is it so hard to think? "I don't know."
"Are you drunk?" He asks skeptically, and I nod even though he can't see me.
"It's funny, Cole." I begin, thinking up another one of those silly thoughts. "It's funny how when you were here I wanted you gone but now you are gone and I want you here. Isn't that funny?"
I can hear him push himself up from his bed, and it takes him a moment to reply, "no... not really." He mutters. I can hardly understand him through the phone.
I squeeze my eyes shut tightly and I feel my throat form a lump. No, it's not funny. It's not funny at all. I miss him. I fucking miss him. And I don't know what to do.
I can't go back to how things were, because I don't want to go back. I was so fucking depressed and trapped before I met Cole. How can I move forward from that without him? "How do I feel better?" I croak, sniffling as I rub my eyes with my jacket's sleeve.
I hear him move from his spot and he speaks louder than before, "I don't know. What do you need me to do?"
"Mm'just talk to me." I sniffle, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. I plop my head down on my knees that are bent to my chest.
"Um..." he mumbles, "I'm going to take the SAT in a month and apply for colleges."
"That's cool." I sniffle again, and this time I vow it'll be the last. "You know what would be cool?" He hums, "if we went to the same college."
He chuckles, "that would be something, wouldn't it?"
"Yeah, but I could never get into a college. They don't want me."
"I think that if you tried you could get into any college you wanted. You're really smart." He says quietly, and I nod, furrowing my eyebrows.
"You think so?"
"Yeah, of course. You don't give yourself enough credit, Em." His voice is so soft, so gentle. I miss his voice. It's like what honey looks like. It's smooth and thick. This has nothing to do with honey but his voice is also raspy, which is the best part.
"Em?" I question, a half smile capturing my lips.
"Emery."
"Neighbor boy." My smile grows into a full on grin and I hear him chuckle.
"That's me." He replies, still chuckling.
◉‿◉
𝙰𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛'𝚜 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎
I know this is fucked up but this was one of my favorite chapters to write and read.
Did you have a good Easter? Also, it was my friends birthday yesterday, and it's my aunts birthday today! I have so many birthdays this week.
I got my friend a beetles shirt because he loves the beetles
Chapter sixty eight: April 6, 2021