Y/n pov:
I waited. I went to the Gryffindor common room with the Hermione and Ron, waiting. Waiting to hear anything that can confirm what could happen, but nothing did.
After hours of what seemed like forever I say my goodbyes. We had all told Harry to tell Dumbledore but he wouldn't listen. After he had arrived at the common room after all of us he refused to talk.
He only spoke as he hugged me goodbye making sure to let me he trusts me. I've been trying to ignore that comment.
Now I walk down the quiet halls of Hogwarts. It's way past curfew and I know I should be afraid so I hurry down to the Slytherin common room. The dark gray, cement ceiling casts shadows along the walls making it harder to see with the only light source being the hung candles on the walls.
They seem to be burning out faster and faster as the shadows of the flames seem to die out as I walk farther down into the castle. Which causes the walls to cast a larger shadow of darkness over me. The heel of my foot clicks against the floor faster when the goosebumps settle against my skin.
Why couldn't I ask Harry to walk back with me? No, no he's still rattled. Something would've happened already if I wasn't safe. I'm safe right now.
My breathing stops as I hear footsteps behind me that seem to be in a hurry.
I swallow telling myself to not look behind me and keep walking. I'm so close. I could be there in-
The voice clears his throat as he supposedly turns to the corner to me speed walking. "Oh merlin, I thought you were-"
Theo.
I continue walking towards the Slytherin common room door that was now in sight. Unfortunately his strides double mine and he now stands only a foot behind me.
"Listen, I've been wanting to talk to you." He leads on, voice low and quiet.
I hold my breath once more before putting my hand over the handle. I could get answers. I mean I wouldn't ever go to Draco again for those answers but Theo is right here.
I glance my eyes towards him but keep them still focused on the ground. He's a death eater. I can't talk to him.
"Please," He whispers desperately.
Without another thought I nod my head.
Minutes later I sit in his bedroom still and silent. His eyes are narrowed to the ground for moments until looking up at me.
"I'm sorry I kissed you weeks ago. You are with Draco, I shouldn't have."
I speak up for the first time, "Were. I mean, I was with Draco."
"I was angry at him. Angry at Pansy. Angry at everything I had to do at the break. But I shouldn't have even thought about doing what I did." He nods, standing up with his hands in his pockets.
I take a good look at him for the first time in weeks. His hair sits unbrushed, alike mine, but his eyes are drained and the smirky smile that usually rests on his is gone. His shoulders seem to sag lower and every few moments he clenches his left fist, twisting it around.
"I kissed you back. We were both in the wrong." I settle my hands into my lap awkwardly. He sways examining me until he turns to his bookshelf.
When he doesn't respond I cringe but ask, "What happened today?"
He doesn't respond immediately and runs his finger along the binding of the book he holds. "We don't know. He was angry. Very angry."
I widen my eyes realizing, "You don't think it could be because-"
He chuckles to himself as if he had an inside joke, "I'll say it again for the second time today. Pansy has the three of us wrapped around her finger. She wouldn't tell them now."
I squint my eyes at him, "Does she? I mean I am sitting in your room, on your bed, right now."
"She thought. She thinks she has us wrapped around her finger." He corrects himself.
I stand up suddenly nervous as he fidgets with the button that covers his left forearm. Where the mark should be.
"We should keep it that way, don't you think?" I ask walking closer to the door.
He licks his lips, "One more question. I know you must have a bunch."
Taking the chance I say the first thing that comes to my mind, "How does it disappear? I slept with Draco- I mean, I've seen his arm. Nothing appears to be there."
"We take vials. They gave them to us since we go to Hogwarts. Lucius was against them because it held back what we should be proud of. The dark lord said we can't be too careful." He drops his hand from his sleeve.
The dark lord.
Theo continues, "It last for twenty-four hours except it hurts us more then usual with not being able to see it. As if they think we'll forget about it. When it appears again the pain is different. It still hurts but all of the pain that he is inflicting on others feeds the mark, making all of us grow more powerful."
My eyes dart to the door knob. He lifts his head looking into me, "You have nothing to be afraid of."
I scoff, "Nothing? I really have nothing to be afraid of?"
"You slept in Draco's bed; his own arms. I think you'll be fine even if reality has hit a little bit."
"Then, I think you're under estimating how big of a deal this really is for me." I retaliate.
He laughs, "For you? You can go on with your entire life if you all win. No matter what happens Draco and I are screwed."
"If," I repeat. "Do you think we are all going to lose?"
He looks to the side and I sit back down. This is my chance to get the information that has been digging into my skull since I found out.
"He's powerful; alike his team. But if I use the words of Blaise," He pauses sitting next to me. "When do bad guys ever win?"
That is in fairy tales and books. This is real, we can lose. I lift my eyes to him. He avoids eye contact knowing I could see right through him.
Theo parts his lips slowly, picking out his words carefully but what exits them sounds straight to the point, "Do you love him? He told us what happened that night..."
"I'm always unsure. When I'm with him I feel like I do but as soon as he's gone I was thinking about all of the lies I've told my friends. Yet even then I was counting down the minutes I could see his face again. Now I'm thinking about all lies that I had pushed out of my thoughts, in fear, that really had been true all along." I speak finally feeling relived to be able to talk about this.
I continue, "It had slipped out then. I hadn't meant to say it."
It was true though.
"Neither did he," Theo says shortly.
'We don't have a choice.'
They both never wanted this to happen. I feel suddenly angry. I could still be with Draco and they both wouldn't have to go through this if they weren't caught up in this.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
Theo falls onto his bed laying on his back. "It's hard. I feel as if I'm betraying everyone and everything in my life. My family. My friends. Hogwarts. It all seems like tangled yarn that I just can't find the end of."
"How about Pansy? I've noticed..." I stop realizing I could hit a nerve.
"I haven't spoken a word to her. I wish I could say it's been that easy to get her out of my head but I just can't seem to. When I heard what she did I was furious. I couldn't believe it." He bites his lip in thought, staring up at the dimmed ceiling. "We all could have died that night. She risked it all for Draco."
"I think she's more attached than in love, Theo. I don't think she knows how to stop loving him since it's the only thing she's ever known." I fall down next to him.
His voice comes out scratchy, "But I'm right here."
My hand finds his and I squeeze gently. I can't see Theo hurting people. Even after finding out he's one of them. I trust him.
We both lay that one for minutes that drag on like hours. My hand stays in his as he lays still and silent. His room is dark with only the light of a lamp in the corner on. It shines against his bookshelves turning some of the ends of the covers golden orange.
It seems platonic until he breaks away and uses his arm to prop himself up. Theo looks me in the eyes daring me into a game I've never once played with him before.
First I lay confused staring back.
He doesn't even seem like himself. His eyes are dark just as they were when he kissed me, then. His look is just as sad too. But when his hand reaches my cheek the warmth and comfort drags me in. I haven't been held since the last night in the Malfoy Manor with Draco.
I had felt that everything was about to come crashing down.
Theo's body closes the small gap between mine and soon our lips barely touch, both unsure of what is completely happening and if we continue on. He's Draco's best friend after all.
I think what pushes me to finish the slow kiss between us is that fact. I'm not over Draco. He isn't over Pansy. But Theo's touch reminds me of how my body reacted to Draco's in the exact same way as it always did. The exact feeling I would get with Draco's body over mine.
Theo's hand slips to my hip and under my shirt sending me back to Draco's rings digging into my sides. I wince.
Theo hults, "Is this alright? Should we be doing this if we are both... Blaise will kill us."
"Theo it's fine," I wanted his hand back on my hips. I wanted to go back to the memory of Draco touching me. "He will kill you if he finds out," I laugh softly. "None of them hold any control over me anymore." That's a lie. I can barely get dressed into the uniform we wear everyday without thinking of any of them seeing me in it.
He narrows his eyes looking down at my lips again, "I'm one of those guys that hold no control over you, right?"
"Well, yes."
He smirks the same smile I hadn't seen since we've been back. "We'll see about that."
His hand returns back to my hip but doesn't stop sliding under of my shirt. The room is quiet as he does so and doesn't break eye contact. Theo is someone as I've seen as a friend for a long time. He walked in on Draco and I with Blaise for what feels like forever ago. I had forgiven Draco so easily after he gave me one of the worst panic attacks of my life, I was so vulnerable then.
In this moment I pledge to myself I won't do that again with Draco.
Theo feels like a different story. He never cheated on me because we've never been together. I kiss him trying to block out my thoughts, but it doesn't last as his lips break away and start sucking on my jaw and down to my neck.
I can't help but feel as if this isn't just sex for both of us. We both just lost people that we loved. This is comfort. We're both gaining back the toxic loneliness that hasn't left us since. I can't help myself thinking back to Draco as Theo plays almost the same moves as him.
Theo breaks away tugging his shirt off along with mine and kisses the purple bruise that sits on my jaw and then the one on my lower neck. I can't help myself but picture that Theo's lips are his but Draco's instead.
And I have the feeling Theo is doing the same thing except thinking of Pansy.
We both know it's wrong. That it won't help how we feel in the morning or how it might make us feel seeing their faces in class the next day. But we both can't bring ourselves to pull away. He runs his tongue over his teeth staring down at me with a far away gaze. I run my own hands running his hair away from his eyes asking if he wants to continue. He nods his head and I remove my hand just for his hair to fall back into his eyes.
Theo kisses down my stomach and makes sure to look back up to my face after. I hold my breath as I hear him unbuckle his pants. I've only Harry and Draco. Before tonight I only kissed Fred, Harry, some ravenclaw, Blaise and Draco. I know Theo has slept around before but it wasn't an extreme number. He easily just has girls falling at his feet.
'When these girls fall at my feet, I feel as I'm gaining more of my life again.'
Shit.
He takes his thumb down my cheek, to the bruises on my jaw, and to my lips. His jaw is clenched and I can't tell if both of us are about to cry or start laughing.
We both don't do either as he leans to his nightstand. His chest stays above me and his hand outstretches across from me. I don't look to his hand but keep my eyes with his. His eyes reflect in mine. I would say I can see anger and sadness between both of us but all I can see is his hazel eyes that seem to reflect with the light.
I raise my hips against his boxers and with him biting his lip in a smirk the light goes out. I almost jump but he steadies me. He was only turning the lamp off.
Theo sits back on his knees with my laying on his bed. The sound of a wrapper goes quickly and he whispers into the darkness, "Are you afraid of me?"
Of Theo, no. Of all of these lies and the mark that has somehow disappeared from his arm, yes. Of the power they hold and the fact I know they will do what they have to, to stay alive, yes.
I settle for a short truthful answer, "No." I'm not afraid of Theo. I'm not afraid of any of them as a person. I'm afraid of Voldemort.
Minutes after both of our breaths come out short, both unable to speak. For me I was afraid I would moan Draco's name or anything I would regret. Knowing that as Theo fucks me on his bed in the room next to Draco's was enough to tire me about thinking of all of this. About how I just screwed up this mess even more. Again, I have the feeling Theo feels the same.
So we settle to quiet moans or me pushing my face into the silky pillow on Theo's bed. The same material and color of the robe I had worn at the manor. The same robe Theo kissed me in only three and a half weeks ago. When it comes to be too much to handle for both of us he brings his face to mine and we both finish with our lips barely touching.
I fall asleep in Theo's bed naked with him laying next to me in the pitch black darkness. Both of us don't regret it but feel ashamed and sad.
The feeling of our bodies pushed up against each other only seemed to pause the pain. All of the loneliness only stopped to build up until we were done. Just to hit both of us, silently.
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THIS TOOK FOREVER TO WRITE IM TALKING HOURS
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