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“What is this?” Zayn asks, throwing the newspaper at Liam's feet.
Liam doesn't need to see what it is, the moment he sees a girl wearing yellow on the cover, he knows. He knew this would happen, and he had thought about how he was going to explain this, but now when he sees tears falling down Zayn's cheeks, every word in his mind just vanishes leaving behind nothing but cold, dark blankness.
He lets go off the glass of water he was going to drink from, reaching out to touch Zayn's shoulder. To pull him in, to encase him in his arms, assure him that they are fine, it was nothing. That Sophia was all over him and he couldn't push her away because he was so fucking angry and miserable and drunk and tired to do so. But Zayn won't allow that, he takes a step back, distancing himself from Liam. Liam feels his heart start to crack from the seam.
“No,” Zayn says, “I don't want you to touch me right now, no.”
Liam gulps, holding back his tears because he has to be strong, “You have to listen to me, okay? You have to.”
“I don't know if I want to, I've seen enough and I've read enough,” Zayn shouts in between incoherent sobs, “You asked me to stay away from Perrie and I did, you asked me to be rude to her, I also did that. And look at you, look at you all over this new Danielle! Am I the only one who has to follow all orders from everyone? Even you! When you go and have the best time of your life? Don't tell me you did it because they asked you to because I'm not that stupid! I didn't want to believe what shit they were saying on twitter but then I saw this newspaper on the street and fuck you! Fuck you and your whore of a model girlfriend!”
“I wasn't having the time of my life, okay Zayn?” Liam says the exact moment Zayn shuts his mouth, “All that I was, was drunk! I was out of my mind! I didn't know what I was doing, I was alone so I kept drinking. And do you want to know why? Because you weren't there god damn it! You weren't there on my birthday and you always are! Sorry if its my fucking fault to expect a burnt cake lying beside me when I wake up! And you put so many candles on it to hide its hideous state! I am sorry if the first person I wanted to see was you, I am sorry if I searched everywhere for you, I am sorry if you didn't pick up my calls, and I am sorry if I want to be with you so much that it makes me crazy mad when you are not with me!”
“Were you crazy mad enough to sleep with her? Since you did everything from kissing her to gluing your body and face against hers in front of so many fucking cameras!”
“For fuck's sake Zayn! I didn't even go home with her, I came back here because here is you! I didn't mean to do any of the things that I did. I didn't know what I was doing! I was angry at so many things, specially you! I wanted to make you feel what I feel when you roam around with Perrie with her sick hand in yours!”
“You didn't have to make me feel that Liam. Just so you know, I have been feeling that exact same thing for the past two years!”
Liam swallows, “You could have told me you were leaving, you could have texted me or called or anything!”
“I didn't have the time, I didn't have my phone on me, I was supposed to spend time with her. How could you even fucking think I wouldn't call you if I could? I don't know you right now Liam, I just can't-”
“I am sorry alright, I am so fucking sorry!” Liam shouts, punching the kitchen counter because the wall is too far, “I am nothing but a scared insecure jackass inside and I am sorry for that!”
The punch is hard, he hears his knuckles crack and maybe he's just damaged all his fingers. Zayn is by his side in a jiffy, unexpectedly.
“Liam,” his voice is laced with concern and hurt, all the same.
Liam moves back because he's the god damn reason why Zayn is hurt, and if there is one person who doesn't deserve any kind of pain, it's Zayn.
“No, don't touch me, you don't want to and I respect that,” Liam says, taking steps back, away from Zayn, “I don't deserve you in the first place, do you know that you are not even real? Like- have I ever told you that? You are a dream to me Zayn, and we were always so good to be true. I was scared I would do something stupid and lose you some day and here we are.”
Not knowing how to react, Zayn just stands with his jaw hanging open, his hands falling loosely by his sides as he tries to comprehend the next to impossible words that are coming out of Liam's mouth.
“I get it Zayn, you know what? I get it. You didn't fall in love with this drinker smoker careless weirdo Liam who can't even handle himself, you fell in love with the uptight, innocent, worrier nerd who used to protect you and I took him away from you and I gave you this shit person to handle,” he points at himself helplessly as he says that, “Who makes you go through hell everyday, who hurts you when you don't even deserve to be hurt! I am a bad person Zayn, I danced with a girl last night, and yes I kissed her. A lot. I kissed her a lot and I let her touch me so much, I touched her so much. And I am ashamed, you can never forgive me if you want to, I will be okay with that. But if for one second you think that I did it with my heart and head, then I'm not okay with it. Because all the time it was you who was making my head burst and you making my heart cry and you. It was you. Everywhere. Even when you weren't even there.”
Liam is breathing heavily now, leaning against the refrigerator, because there is nothing else there to lean on, waiting for Zayn to say something. He is just looking at him incredulously, standing a feet away from him, his mouth hanging open and his eyes still streaming with endless tears.
“I am so sorry Zee,” Liam whispers, when the silence drums against his ears, “I am so sorry but I love you. So hate me, hate me all you want, but don't leave me. You are still mine okay, so please don't leave me. I am begging you, I'll break without you.”
Liam expects Zayn to walk out, he half wishes for him to do that too, because he has been holding his tears back for so long now, he is about to burst. If Zayn leaves, Liam can gladly fall down and cry himself to sleep somehow, and wish for this not to have happened. But Zayn isn't moving, he is still paralyzed on the spot. The expression on his face is scary.
"Say something, please,” Liam begs, not being able to take the silence featuring occasional small sobs and hiccups from Zayn.
“I love you Liam,” Zayn stifles a sob as he says, “I..”
He trails off, and Liam is expecting the ‘buts' and the ‘ands’. They never come. Zayn is walking towards him, and then there are hands on either side of his face, caressing and gentle. Zayn is holding his bruised hand, softly pressing on the knuckles, kissing them one by one as if trying to heal the pain. Closing his eyes, Liam lets his tears fall because he doesn't want to ruin this crucial moment by letting his head explode. Then there are thin fingers wiping the wetness away the moment it starts to spread.
“Don't cry,” Zayn whispers and Liam shakes his head.
“I am so sorry. I was missing you, I just- I was missing you, missing you makes me do bad things. Just. Just– stay with me...”
“Ssshh,” Zayn hushes him, pressing his forehead against Liam's, the back of whose head hits the freezer door, “I am sorry too. I didn't mean to yell at you. I just- I guess I was just hurt so much, and it was you who had caused it and I just lost it.”
“You're allowed to lose it too sometimes Zayn, you know that. You are allowed, and you are also very right.”
“And you are very wrong,” Zayn says.
“I know,” Liam says, his eyes sinking into Zayn's, “That is why you can leave if you want.”
“You are wrong because you think it's easy for me to leave you. You think I don't love you anymore and you think you don't deserve me and you tell me to walk out right after you tell me I am yours. You are crazy mad. And you are so god damn wrong Liam Payne, and I am so god damn in love with you that you make it really hard for me to be angry at you properly.”
Liam finally moves his hands up to place them on either side of Zayn's waist, very gentle and light, as if Zayn will fade away from right underneath them any second.
“You are my gravity Liam, you keep me stable. You are my mind, you are all I think about even when I'm not thinking at all. And I don't like putting all of this in words because it sounds so god damn cheesy, exactly like a birthday wish over twitter sounds fake and pointless,” Liam can't help but smile as Zayn continues, “No one can ever replace you Liam. And you're so wrong when you think I fell in love with the innocent weird side of you and now I don't love you any more. I love all parts of you Liam, your lame choice in tattoos (he runs his hand up the four arrows on liam's forearm), and the impulsive hair cuts you get (he runs a hand through liam's hair as liam just stares at his face, supernatural and utterly beautiful to his eyes), the way your eyes crinkle (he runs a finger by the side of his left eye, gentle and soft), the way your mouth smells in the morning (rubs liam's lips with the pad of his thumb), the way your forehead has these lines giving away your worry (caresses liam's forehead). I fell in love with the captain sensible Liam yes, but I fell in love with him for forever. Even when he foolishly tries to make me angry by kissing other chicks.”
Liam makes a sound of protest as he holds Zayn by his belt and pulls him closer to him effortlessly, saying, “But he also said sorry. And his Zayn shouted at him a lot so they are even now.”
“His Zayn is an ass who is so fed up with what's going on that he let all his frustration out on him without thinking, but what Liam needs to know is that he is as much as Zayn's as Zayn is his. And he also needs to know that Zayn is also very sorry for today and for all the times in the further when Zayn will have his outbursts.”
“Liam wants to kiss Zayn now. If Zayn is not leaving, after all.”
“Liam is an idiot.”
“Liam agrees. Zayn is beautiful.”
“Zayn disagrees. Liam is more.”
“Zayn needs to shut up.”
It's eloquent; the way their lips meet in the middle. The kiss is all sorts of magic, all deep and gentle and assuring at the same time. Filling their hearts with the sort of tranquility they had both been missing for too long. It's happy; void of any anxiety. It's defining; marking the beginning of all hardships that they know they will have to face. It's comforting; promising that they will make through it all together. It's long lasting; just like the love they have for each other. The only difference being that sooner or later the kiss has to last, their love however, doesn't.
And somewhere in his heart Liam knows, that it won't.