A Year Later : Untiled 2019
KWON JIYONG
"Whoa. Take it easy, mate. You mean not to be sober for the day, right?"
T.O.P hyung teases me, carefully holding my wrist as I'm pouring a drinking-water bottle into my ice-filled glass. We chuckle a little bit, and he begins to take his hand off of me. Then, I offer myself to refill his glass with the half-rest of Everclear bottle.
"I hate you constantly let me be drunk alone for the past few years, dude," he mutters and we click our glasses together.
He shakes his head a bit to sweep out the drunkenness. Seriously, I wish I'd be capable to do like that. I miss my old alcoholic me.
When he finishes his another glass so quickly in one shot, he lays eyes on mine and then refills me the water.
"Last one, hyung. I need to drive myself later," I joke, sipping as if it was an alcohol like I wished, and then put it down on the bar over me.
"Where the heck are you going?" he asks. I can feel him narrowing his eyes on me over the rim of his glass, even though I am not looking straight at him directly.
"Touring my new apartment. Last day of big loads. I could move this soon," I simply reply and then add mannerly, "You could join me if you want, though."
He waves a hand between our little distance. "Later, dude. I have to stay over at Dad's." Then he pauses, exhaling a little bit in concern. "You know, my mom's request. She needs me to be around with Dad since he seems awful lately."
I tap his shoulder comfortingly, giving him a manly encouraging one-armed hug.
"I'm sorry to hear that, Hyung. Honestly, Cancers shouldn't occur to anyone, especially your poor Dad. I hope he'll soon get better."
He lays his hand over mine and drinks up his glass. Seeing a large anxiety through his sigh, I decide to accompany him any longer until I could feel he's actually okay.
I spin my chair, resting my arms backwardly on the edge of the counter bar. Hyung begins to order his snacks to the bartender, though my virtual attention is now on the strippers dancing sexily on the mini stage in the middle of the room. They're almost naked, their boobies might as well fully pop out from their thin-short dresses.
If I was the old me few years ago, especially when I was such a playboy, completely a moron. Believe me. Either one or two of these whores by now would be pulled into my room and get fucked by me. I used to be a horny motherfucker. I used to.
Now I don't understand why I absolutely see nothing in them. As if I could look through them and stare at the wall behind them instead. I'm not even turning on, though there're full of sexualities over here—in the same shitty basement pub. My sexual feelings have been distracted ineffectively for a while. Don't know why.
Well, I guess I kind of know the problem, but I just don't want to recall.
Half an hour goes by, both of us apparently still look far from being crestfallen, even though he's downed four glasses of Everclear. And mine is still crystal-clear water. I seem so pathetic, but I'm kind of used to since I quit drinking for the past few years.
"I should get going now," I say, tapping the edge of the counter bar.
"Don't you leave me alone drinking by myself here. You do know I have no one left, the rest of us isn't here anymore," he muses, sounds so sympathetic. I exhale with a bashful laughter in my lung.
Ever since Youngbae, Daesong and Seungri have mandatory joined the military for months simultaneously, and I just got back from there for a month. This poor Hyung has finally realized how much I am important for him, as no full-pack BIGBANG team anymore for a moment. It becomes just me and him hanging out in the same loop of being drunk every Friday nights.
But you know, he doesn't seem that pathetic like he pretends.
"What about your super-secret girlfriend, huh? Why don't you call her to be here with you instead of me as I left?" I snap, smirking. "Seriously, Hyung. When'll you open up your secret relationship to me? I don't know who you're dating but I sure am not blind."
There's a small nonchalant laugh through his voice as he says, "You know when you know." And he cooly sips his whiskey before a smile occurs at the corner of his mouth.
"Just sit any longer and keep your mouth shut about my love story."
I teasingly stick out my tongue and keep interviewing him briefly as there's finally a chance to talk about his girlfriend, "So does she have a name? Is she pretty?"
He smirks darkly, as if he's so far beyond than me. "I bet she's prettier than your now girlfriend." Then, he throws upwards a piece of fried potatoes and catches it by his mouth so cooly.
"Oooh. How sarcastic you are!"
"Seriously, she's way prettier than Juyeon and any gorgeous women I ever seen except Bona."
He doesn't seem regretful nor looks guilty after mentioning her name as much as I wish he would be. To be honest, it certainly feels like he meant to refer it to hit the spot.
"Haven't you fucking moved on yet, dude?" he simply says after there's a little dilemma from me. I sort of hate the way there is no any sympathy in his voice at all.
I know he knew the answer—everyone might know, too. But my nerves are never ready to give them the exact answer.
"Sure I have," I lie and break our eye contact, picking a breadstick from the snacks bucket and begin nibbling on the end.
"We've lost contacts for years, can't you see that?" I add to look less idiotic.
And he snorts sarcastically.
"Whatever. At least I'm quite glad seeing you with Juyeon. I thought you'd be single for years after Bona."
There's a helplessly awkward silence from me. I have no idea how to respond properly. I have loads of words in my head, but when it comes to speak them out, I inevitably have none. It's like words evaporating as sudden as I open my shitty mouth.
As Hyung studies my poor expression for a few seconds, there's suddenly a small eye-rolling he makes. I'm now feeling like a complete moron.
"So Juyeon is just your sexual partner, isn't she? Does she even commit to be just that?" At least I'm glad he doesn't seem too much surprised.
"I dunno." Because she never asks. And I never be curious, either.
"Oh, freaking mother of God." His bottom lip stretches out feebly, along with his head shaking. "I bet she recognizes her current status."
I bet she does, too.
"Seriously, Jiyong. You're already 31, surely turning 32 tomorrow. You're not a playboy; playing around anymore. It's nearly time to settle down with a right one. I hope you still count your age," he muses. His tone sounds still stable.
I fold hands on my lap, head low, unaware of nothing.
"I know our career doesn't offer too much sympathies for having affair. But we are human. Someday, somehow we are going to have our own family.
We cannot be their boys forever...and they never utterly intertwine our private lives, too.
I see you virtually letting your shits out of Bona. And I can see that you are trying even harder to move on properly, even if it's been years now. Seeking one to distract yourself and help you up is totally good for you. But you should know one thing, Jiyong, flings don't fix the bullet holes. And also girls love developing relationships. They never stay put like us. And I can tell Juyeon loves not to be just temporary, I can see the way she looks at you. Like tons of stars in her eyes, you know." He gestures crazily, also swallowing his drunkenness.
"If you don't want a long-steady relationship just for now, you know, I don't blame that as long as you're stubborn to keep being such a stupid player. Also, if you still can't find the right one, it is fine by me. But I believe Juyeon wouldn't be into this idea for sure. So don't goof around her unless you're really attracted to her. She is a good person...probably too good for you," he talks more meaningfully with his words, even if he seems drunk a bit by now.
"To be honest, I can trust Juyeon taking care of you. She seems really love you."
She does?
I thoughtfully sweep my eyes around the room for a moment, just to avoid his gaze and I need to relax my tense too. I am not terrified of being taught about life lessons by Hyung, though. Actually, I like it. No one never does this to me so good enough except him. Sometimes I felt lost too, especially when he wasn't with me during his mandatory military stuff years ago.
"I'll see what I can do, Hyung. Thank you for always being such a good brother for me." I honestly mean it.
Sometimes I bet Daisies would be jealous of me that I can have her biological brother all the time; in the other hand, she's only had him in an online version. I do realize both of them still keep in touch for each other, though Hyung never tells me what's exactly going on with her, ever since he sort of wants me to move on. And I secretly have been watching her from my point of view anyway.
And he then pats my back cheerfully. I can't help but lower my head to get the most comfortable hair-rubbing from him.
Again and again that I feel completely selfish, thinking about what-ifs—what if the miscarriage never happened to us. Daisies and I would have been together, probably got married by now for sure. At least our child could have been the glue to hold us together, and Daisies's never gone catching her stupid dream.
I know it's the most rawly selfish idea that one could ever hoax himself. But trust me, you never know unless you walk in my shoes. Daisies or no Daisies, I have an ordinary life to lead, but this literally feels like dying everyday while I'm still breathing.
* * *
"Where should I place these We Bear Bears, sir?"
One of the transport workers approaches toward me with a huge lightbox which's having a handwritten 'Dais's dolls'.
I secretly roll my eyes before reply him properly, "Bring them to the secret room, you know." Before he walks past me, I catch his arm, trying to not sound like a jerk, "By the way...it's Care Bears though, not that stupid trio characters."
Then, I watch him fumbles his way to where I just mentioned him to do so. I can't help exhaling sharply. What is wrong with this transport company, though? I didn't pay them to work as unprofessional as doing such cut corners like this. One putting my stuff in the wrong room, two ripping Daisies's dress by accident. This is way too annoying than I expected I would be. Still dunno why.
Ten minutes later, another workers still keep coming to ask this and that about where the hell they should place my stuff. I'm about to lose my temper as lamely standing in the corridor, but when I see there's one last box of transporting, I decide to turn a blind eye and let it go. When they're all done their lame job, already being taken my money, no longer they're in my apartment anymore. And I'm fucking glad they finally left.
I then start to walk around my apartment for the first time as it's full with furnitures and decorations. The first room I'd love to tour and sort of excited to do is my secret room where its door is painted so much alike the wall. Apparently, no one barely notices there's a room as long as they don't push it to open. It is definitely what I desire.
To keep her stuff a little privacy.
I'd take this room to be my actual bedroom, if it fits for me enough somehow, you know, when I'm stronger to live surrounded by her things and I don't feel regret anymore. I wish I could live here.
Starting to unpack a couple boxes of Daisies's stuff that she left—few clothes, Care Bears...and my broken heart. In the distance, there's a gentle knock on the front door along with the familiar innocent voice.
"Oppa!"
I toss a blue Care Bears one to the floor beside the bed angrily and storm into the corridor before she'll find me. Luckily, she turns her back towards me when I shut the door closed.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I speak, meaning to sound aggressive. There's no guilty to be mad. This place is never told to someone else except my family and friends and maybe some crews I'm working with. It's my private place, and the last person I want to see around here is her.
It's like she doesn't even sense my tough tone. On the other hand, Juyeon happily approaches towards me. And I just notice she also brings a bouquet of flowers. The Daisy ones.
"Congratulate on your new moving, Oppa. This apartment is amazing, honestly."
"What are you doing here?" I think I'm gritting my teeth. "Actually, how did you even find me?"
She rubs her forearm shyly, innocently smiling. "I asked some ones. Ever since the last time I came to your apartment, and there were loads of stuff gone." She leans into me and links my arm.
"Why didn't you tell me you were moving out?"
"Because I didn't want you to know," I immediately snap, eyebrows begin to knit together.
After a noncommittal pause, she begins to ask me with a little bashful look I can see,
"You meant to surprise me later, right?"
"No. Fucking hell not."
Her stunned reaction is totally what I expected. Hoping she would get it and leave herself. However, Juyeon just walks to the opened kitchen, grabbing an empty vase from the table and manages herself arranging the flowers that she brought with. What the heck?
"Looks like someone's in the mood today. Tried of moving, huh?" She playfully laughs. I kind of hate it. "But it's okay. I'll see what I can do to calm you down, darling." And she keeps enjoying to arrange her stupid Daisy with my fucking vase.
"Get out of here, please. I didn't even invite you."
Now she finally looks at me in surprise—shock.
"Neither today or tomorrow or any freaking day. I don't want you to be here," I add, hardly working to hide my irritation. If she leaves peacefully and easily, I'd be damn grateful.
Juyeon puzzledly stares into the middle distance between us, then shakes her head.
"Okay. Let me get this straight." She opens her palms in the air, as if she's gesturing in surrender. But her look seems way more anger. "You'd rather date with me at home than public places, and I've been totally understanding. But now, if you don't want me to be here—your new place. Then, where are we going to date, huh?" She defiantly lifts her chip up and gazes at me.
I irritably flick the hair out of my eyes, throwing hand in the air. "I dunno."
Stepping backwards, folding hands against her chest and examining my face for a moment, she begins to walks to confront me in the corridor.
"Can I ask you one question, Oppa? What am I to you for the past few years?" I wait in silence. "We've slept together, my clothes in your room and yours in my house that you stop coming through for a long time. What the heck am I to you? Isn't it just me thinking we're together?"
"I don't know! You never asked, and I thought you already knew where you were," I rawly speak, sound like a complete dickhead.
There's a long silence between us for a moment. Neither of us seems have more words at our fingertips. Juyeon looks stunned but way more upset. I think she's about to cry.
No girls crying in front of me for a long time, and I am not fond of conforming any one right now, too.
"So you never love me?" She bites her bottom lip, tears gathering at the corner of her eyes.
I stay still, absolutely have no any great responses. Words inevitably are stuck in my lung.
"But I love you. I have, I really do. Seems like I've been having my head in the clouds. Sorry for disturbing you," she says through her tears before bumping my arm in purpose and jogs to the front door where she herself entered.
It takes me two whole damn minutes haunting myself. I sigh in defeat of my selfish self, and then I dash downstairs to the parking lot where Juyeon is standing over her own car, rooting around in her bag for its key.
She is sobbing.
"Juyeon. Wait up!" I demand as soon as I reach her.
When her eyes meet mine, I can feel shame pouring over me. I quickly look away.
"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" I tell her, trying to sound truly sincere.
"You're sorry? Do you even mean what you just said?" I bet she'd rather be more angry to sad.
"I am," more lying. "Listen. I'm lost from my previous serious relationship, okay? It's blocked me out of the sun. But I am trying to move on with you," I start to mutter. "...You've gotta give me a chance."
Significantly, she makes a clicking sound through her teeth, managing to jab her tears out herself.
"You're trying to move on with me or you're just using me to distract yourself, Oppa?"
Damn. I didn't thought this coming.
And one more fucking time that I cannot even answer this simplest question. Such a stupid twat, Kwon Jiyong.
She waits for me impatiently, tossing a huge pressure over my face. But when I give her silence as the answer, she frustratedly mumbles and roots something from the passenger seat. Then, she throws something to me.
"Happy early birthday, Jiyong Oppa. Such wasted my time with you."
I study the present that she gave me early since tomorrow is my 32nd fucking birthday. It's a truly handmade DIY photo hanger. Loads of my candid shots that she took are gathered in one.
"Juyeon. Please don't go," I sort of whisper, a lot of regrets I now recognize.
But she obviously seems done with me, her tears never stop pouring down. And then she walks past me to the driver seat.
I don't know what to do. It suddenly recalls me the way she walked away four years ago, and I'm sick of being left anymore. I don't want to be abandoned. I'm terrified.
Therefore I shout unconsciously to make her stop making more footsteps,
"I love you."
It worked. She now stays put, stunned as gripping the door handle. I let out a big exhale then add, "I know my love is nothing to compare to the way you love me. But my heart has broken, Juyeon, it needs time to heal. And if you leave me now, it means you leave off our affair. I don't love you much more enough, but it doesn't mean that I can't love you harder anymore...I am starting to love you. So don't end as the beginning,"
"You have to wait and see how I'm making it up for you," I say as closing the distance between us.
I'm glad she doesn't jerk away when I wipe her wet cheek with the thumb.
"...Was it Delansey Kim who broke your heart—." She stops mid tract as I close her lips with mine.
I don't want to hear her name. It makes me weak.
Juyeon slightly leans into me and begins to calm down by letting me snog her passionately. I do what I'm best at. And later in the next morning, we woke up nakedly together in the bed of my new apartment—not that secret room for sure.
A forearm resting over my eyes, I let out a huge puff of air while Juyeon's head still lying right on my chest.
What a champagne problem.