I was really stuck with how to move forward. I've decided to cap at 40 chapters, the longest fic I've ever written, and probably the best. 35 is most definitely my favorite chapter whoops.
I don't get to make a speech at your wedding, but you shouldn't be surprised that I'm still writing you a message anyway because goodness knows I write too much. I apologize in advance if this message makes you mush (again). It's your special day, and since you're one of my favorite people I couldn't not write you something.
I know that we have lived completely different lives. We're so far apart in age that people probably think that you were my dad. You have lived through a lot more life than I have, and I just started college and have no idea what I want to do with my life. You are my favorite sibling because you have always taken care of me. You're one of the only people in the family worked for what he had. You inspire me to work hard for what I want no matter what obstacles or life challenges I want to use as excuses.
There isn't much advice that I can give you that you haven't already learned in life, but I will try. This is a new chapter, so start fresh. Try things you've never done before. Take me on more vacations. Be fearless in pursuit of whatever it is you wish for. Go for love, go for marriage, even if it terrifies you. Be open to the possibilities that love and life have to offer you. Even if you're scared it will crash and burn. It could. But it won't. I know. It gives me hope that someday I will be as happy as you are. That I won't be alone forever. But this piece isn't about me. It's about you and this great adventure you're starting today. I get to watch you give yourself to someone in the hope of a beautiful future. And I will be ugly crying from my seat, just watch. My big brother is getting married. To my big brother on his wedding day, enjoy the moment, and get ready for the crazy road ahead.
Yeah, that's too mushy. He'll slug me if I give him this albeit poetic note.
The house was quiet, and Amber wanted to take some time to get some work done before the house got busy and she wouldn't be able to concentrate.
She plopped onto the bed with her laptop, the dim lighting from the string lights enough for her to see her screen and work on her English paper. She hated these stupid prompts. She hated the fact that she had to take English 101 in the first place. She'd worked tooth and nail to graduate and was more than capable of skipping this class, but she hadn't gotten the credit because of all that nonsense.
Describe a person you look up to. What the hell kind of stereotype bullshit was this? She rolled her eyes. She was really tempted to just copy paste some section from her "book" into here. Ah well, she could just reword it.
Cassie. Mer. Alex. Who would be easiest? Definitely Alex. He'd been her protector since day one. This was going to be over the top mushy, and it grossed her out.
She began typing, and by the time she was working on her conclusion she could hear movement downstairs. It wasn't the usual calm movement, it sounded like someone running up the stairs excitedly. Usually, the kids were lighter when they darted up the stairs. It was one of the grownups.
The foster kid in her panicked. Why were they running up the stairs? Were they angry? Did she need to hide?
The fact that that was her instinct still terrified her. No one here would ever hurt her. Still, she quietly got off her bed and cracked the door open.
"Jo?" Her brother, walking up the stairs, looking confused. "What is it?"
She could hear the opening and closing of drawers in Alex's room, and he stood, leaning in the doorway, watching Jo.
"Ask me."
"Ask you...?" He was confused for a split second, then his face shifted with the realization. He walked into the room, something creaked, and it got quiet for a moment. "Are you sure, Jo? A lot of crap happened today..."
Jo cut him off before he could finish his statement. "Alex! Ask me."
Alex made the face he made when was thinking before moving into the room, out of her line of sight. "Josephine Wilson. Will you marry me?"
"Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes."
There was some more movement before the bed squeaked on its hinges. Ew. Did they not realize she was home? She did not want to hear this. Besides, she needed to think. She felt like her head was going to explode.
She slowly walked past the room and down the stairs. Looking out the front door, she realized her car was gone. Cassie must've taken it. Guess that meant she was going for a walk.
Stuffing her hands in her pockets, she walked down the block for a while, overthinking everything. She liked Jo. Jo and Alex fit together. Her brother was happy. She just wondered where that left her. She wasn't their kid. She was the little sister that was young enough to be Alex's kid. The idea of living with them made her feel strange. It was a wonder that she felt comfortable in the frat house. Maybe it was just more like what she was used to. She definitely didn't want to live alone. Besides, Jo was going to get a fellowship soon; the two of them would definitely be moving together. Alex would leave Grey Sloan and Mer and her.
This whole thing was giving her a headache.
After a while, she reached the park she took the kids to when they needed cheering up, a mile or so from the house. They usually took the car. She plopped down on a bench, letting out a deep breath. It was going to get dark soon. She should start walking back, but she needed to be alone for a while.
She knew how stupid this thought was, but her brain spit it out anyway. She was losing her brother.
-----/////------
Cassie felt a peace she hadn't felt in a while. The last time she had felt at peace was when she had swung on a swing with her aunt for the first time and she realized she wasn't alone in the world anymore.
She felt like, for the first time, she was okay with the fact that her mom was gone. She'd pushed it aside, but for once and for all she was actually accepting it. The visit with the psychiatrist had actually made her feel a little better.
After the cemetery, she stopped to get enough mac and cheese for her and Amber. The two of them were going to sit in the attic and talk about random things for hours. She missed her sister.
Driving home, she called Amber, wanting to make sure she was home and ready to feed her face. The phone went straight to voicemail, as if it were shut off. Amber never shut off her phone.
That was weird.
She walked into the house, nearly falling over when Zola ran into her to give her a hug. The sisters and Jo and Alex were all standing around the kitchen island, drinking champagne.
"Cass! We're getting married!" Jo grinned.
Cassie was temporarily caught off guard. She probably should have seen that one coming, but she'd been distracted with everything else that had happened that day she didn't give a second thought to the whole dead husband thing.
She was pulled to the island by Zola and placed next to Amelia, who smiled. "my sparkling grape juice buddy," she grinned, "unless you want pop."
"No. Pop it." She watched Amelia pop the grape juice and pour her some in one of the glasses. The adults were all grinning, Mer looked happier than she'd been in a while, and Zola was speed drinking the grape juice. "Uh, guys? Where's Amber?"
There was an awkward pause, as if everyone had collectively forgotten about her and suddenly remembered. Cassie raised an eyebrow. "seriously?"
"I thought she was with you." Came Alex, "she drove you to the hospital and waited."
"No. Maggie dropped me off on my lunch, and I took the car."
Maggie cut in from her corner. "She was here when I dropped Cassie off. The car was here."
"So, she was here when we..." Alex paused, looking at Jo.
"We weren't exactly paying attention when we came in." She shrugged. "So, she's on foot. Or she's with Hannah. I'm sure she's fine."
"She isn't answering her phone." Cassie budded in.
"Should we..."
The front door opened and slammed, and Amber paused to look at them before grabbing the mac and cheese Cassie had left on the bottom step and thudding up the stairs.
There was a silence before Cassie murmured, she was going upstairs too and went up to the attic to find Amber laying on her bed, facing away from the door.
"Uhhh... do you want to tell me what happened there? Are you okay?"
"I used to never cry. I live here for a year and suddenly I'm mushier than soggy bread. I'm fine, Cass, leave me alone."
"You do realize that I know that leave me alone is code for I'm not okay, right? We're the same age; we do the same things." She shifted on her bed. "Did something happen at school? With Hannah?"
"Alex is getting married."
"You don't sound very happy about that."
"I'm so happy for him. He deserves this."
"But..."
"But that means I don't fit in the picture. I mean, I never really fit in the picture but at least before I could find a way to fit myself in. If they move, where does that leave me? I hated living alone in a trailer." She snorted, "I feel like a child."
"You're going to go with them... or stay here."
"I'm not going to be a burden on Mer."
"You're not. And you're not one on Alex either."
"Alex has taken care of me all my life because he had to. Because I was born, and he saw a helpless child his parents brought into the world that shared his blood that he needed to take care of. And he left."
"He left because he wanted to do better by you. Just like my mom..."
"I know, I know. Your mom didn't have a choice."
"So, you're afraid you're not going to have somewhere to live after they get married? Is that what it is?"
Amber rolled her eyes. "Is this questioning going to stop anytime soon?"
"No. If you don't talk to me, I'm sending up Mer and Alex. The collective. Answer the question."
"Sure. That's what it is. Now please give me the mac and cheese and shut up."
--////---
The kitchen was awkward for a few moments after both girls had walked away. The adults all stared at each other, and the kids were confused but went back to doing what they were doing before.
Maggie was the first one to break the silence, grabbing a handful of beers from the fridge. "I haven't seen Amber that bad since..."
Alex immediately grabbed one, aggressively popping the top off. "I know. Do you think something happened?"
"Cassie will tell us if it's something serious." Meredith continued, her eyes darting between all the adults in the kitchen.
"Will she? Isn't there a sister code?"
"I'll ask Amber myself." Mer shrugged.
"Do you think she's upset about..." Jo paused, "us?"
Alex took a long drink of his beer before answering her. "Maybe. Look, Karevs aren't used to showing their emotions or whatever. She's probably overwhelmed."
"So, who are we sending to talk to her?"
The adults all stared at each other before Jo spoke up, "I will."
"What?"
"I'm the reason she's upset. Besides, I know how she's feeling."
Alex furrowed his brows before nodding and following Jo up the stairs.
Jo meandered up the stairs to the attic. She'd never been up there because that seemed to be the girls' private space. She knocked before opening the door.
The girls were both sitting on one of the beds, only the string lights illuminating them. They were eating mac and cheese and seemed to be in a daze. At the door opening both heads flipped to her. Amber looked tear stricken and looked even more angry at the sight of Jo.
Jo suddenly felt nervous because sometimes looking at Amber felt like looking at looking at a younger version of herself. And she didn't know what to say that wouldn't have hurt her as a foster child. Alex hovered behind her.
"I'm not here to steal Alex from you. I hope you know that by now. I would never do that."
Amber rolled her eyes. "Jo... I am happy for you. What more do you want?"
"You're upset."
"No, I'm not. Please leave. Why did they send you anyways?"
"I volunteered."
"Really?"
"Yeah, because I'm the one you're angry at."
"No, I'm not." Amber raised an eyebrow. "Can you leave now?"
Jo sighed, "fine." She turned to leave, nearly running into Alex, who caught her and made himself known in the doorway with a raised eyebrow.
"Do you want to tell me what's going on?"
"Alex, go away!" Amber chucked a pillow at the figure in her doorway, to which he caught it with a raised eyebrow. The Karevs intently stared at each other before Alex rolled his eyes and turned around.
Cassie turned to glare at Amber when they left the room. Amber scoffed, "what? At least give me time to be annoyed! You know someone else is going to come nag us about this."
"Mer or Amy?"
"Mer. Amy has no idea what to say."
--////---
The year blurred by. Cassie finished her freshmen year at home; Amber finished her first year at UWash.
There were many nights spent on the living room floor, textbooks open, popcorn thrown everywhere. Hannah was their third musketeer, and the three were inseparable.
Amber got a job selling coffee in the hospital lobby, and Cassie took a position doing low level work.
There was a stiffness in the air at home, ever since the engagement. Alex and Jo didn't know what to say, and Meredith kept hinting with no success.
Alex had started staying at the loft with Jo more and more, leaving Amber confused. Where did that put her? She didn't want to bring up the topic, for fear she wouldn't like the answer.
Cassie was undecided about going back to Stanford. So far, they had been generous and willing to let her do everything from home, but her luck was due to run out. She liked being at home with her family, and she had grown comfortable with her therapist and her mental health.
She really didn't want to go back there.
"It feels like my work here is done." Arizona joked, clipping Alex on the shoulder. After almost a year, it was their special day.
"Stop it." Alex muttered, uncomfortable with the attention. He frowned at Arizona. She was leaving, they were maybe leaving, everything was changing.
"I promised myself I wouldn't cry today."
"You and me both. Hot messes." Cassie joked, walking into the kitchen to get a water bottle.
"Sooo Cass... any boys? Any girls?" Arizona grinned.
Cassie rolled her eyes. "No matter how many times you guys ask me, the answer is always be the same."
"Nothing?"
"No boy has ever looked in my direction. I've never been asking on a date."
Arizona shrugged, "it's okay. They're annoying at this age anyways."
Amber came plopping down the stairs. She had time and time again told Alex that she didn't want to talk about it, that everything was fine, and somehow, she had still woken up that morning sick to her stomach. Was it bad she was tempted to just run and not go to the wedding?
Before any of the adults could question her, Hannah came bouncing in the kitchen with Cassie. She grinned happily. "I love weddings!"
"We're gonna go upstairs to do makeup. Call us if you need us." Cassie mumbled, sensing a slight awkwardness in the air with Amber. She gave her sister a look and received a shrug in return.
"So, I was thinking..." Hannah bumbled as they walked up the stairs, oblivious to her best friend suffering in silence.
—-////—-
The day had turned weird. Things had gone weird between a mess up for the wedding venue, having to rush people to the hospital. It was never a dull day for these doctors, and their wedding day was no exception.
Finally, they found themselves on the ferry. The wind was blowing, the sky was blue, and things were finally looking up.
Mer stared at Alex. Her person. Her best friend. Literally the man she had been raising kids with. She was so happy for him. Jo was his post-it. There was no doubt about it. It was crappy to think that he might soon be on the list of people who left her. But he wasn't like that. He had been by her side since day one, even longer than Cristina at this point.
He read her mind. "You know, even if I leave, I'm never leaving you."
"I know that."
"So, want to get ordained online?" Alex said, handing her his phone.
"I've held a bomb in my hand, I think I can officiate a wedding." She began filling out the form.
"I know we said we would leave the Amber thing alone, but she's still acting weird. It's been a year. And no matter what any of us say, she won't listen."
"Like you said, even if you leave, you're not leaving her. Maybe she doesn't understand that, even if she does. I'll try to talk to her tonight when we get home. For now, just get married already."
The two of them walked together in silence towards the rest of the group. Hannah, Amber and Cassie were towards the front, Hannah and Cassie grinning, Amber smiling almost sadly.
Jo made their way out to them, meeting Alex at the front.
"For the longest time, ferry boats made me sad. But from now on, I will look at them the way my husband did. I will see the beauty. I will see the wind, the air, the sea, the motion. I will see the possibility because of the two of you. I have never seen two people bring out better in each other. And if the two of you can take this day and turn it into lemonade, then you can do anything."
Cassie was sniffling. She was not going to cry today. Weddings made her mushy. Something about happily ever after and all that nonsense.
"By the power vested in me by the internet, I now pronounce you married!"
The two of them kissed, applause broke out, and Cassie saw what it was like for two broken people to get a happily ever after.
---////---
Jo and Alex went back to the loft after the wedding, and everyone else went back to Mer's house. The kids were put to sleep, adults went to bed, and Cassie laid awake, waiting for Amber to come up. When she didn't after almost an hour, she went downstairs to find Amber with her head in a tub of ice cream, looking like she was on the verge of tears.
"What are you doing?"
"Crying like a child. Thinking."
"Weddings are supposed to be happy; you know."
"They just remind me of how perpetually unhappy I am. And lonely. So alone."
"What is wrong with you? Is this still about Alex moving out? He's still your brother."
Amber rolled her eyes, annoyed that people kept telling her that. "I know that. It doesn't mean I have to be okay with it yet. I was afraid I wouldn't have enough money to survive when Mer kicked me out, that's why I was scared. But I got my refund today. I have enough to survive if I need to."
Now Cassie was confused. This conversation had taken a full 180. "What are you talking about? Mer is not going to kick you out. That doesn't make any sense."
"People change, and I am not going to rely on anyone."
"This doesn't sound like you. This sounds like the Amber I met almost two years ago."
"Cassie, this is your family. My family was Alex, and he left."
"He offered to take you with him!"
"And be a third wheel? And a burden?"
"I'm your family too! And Mer. Is this what has been going through your head for the last year? That you needed to revert to survival mode? What happened to the girl who wanted to write a book?"
Amber stopped, frowning. "I haven't touched it in months. I couldn't figure out the ending, or a title for that matter."
"Do you really want it to end with you reverting to who you were before? You built your life from the ground up, Amber."
"Mer has done so much for me. She's the closest thing I've had to a mom."
"Which is why you need to stop talking like this and let me be that for you."
Both girls turned their heads to the approaching figure. "I have three, five, kids, and you should know by now I never sleep, especially when you two are arguing."
"How much of that did you hear?"
"Enough."
Amber's face flushed, "Mer..."
"Alex isn't leaving you. And I'm not leaving you. You're family."
Cassie turned to her sister, "Me either."
"What about Stanford?"
Cassie turned to look at Mer, and then back at Amber. "Starting this fall, I'm a student at UWashington. Surprise!"
Amber's eyes looked a little watery. "You guys..."
Mer walked over to her girls, wrapping both arms around them. "It's us against the world." She turned to Amber, "and that won't ever change, okay?"
"Okay."
—////—-
About a week later, Amber walked through the front door coming home from work, exhausted. There was so much homework to be done, and she was hungry.
She needed coffee.
"Hey, Amb, there was a package for you in the mail." Mer motioned to the table. All exhaustion forgotten, her bag hit the ground with a thud, and she grinned, ripping the package open.
"Oh my gosh." She was going to cry, again. It was her words in her hands. A physical copy of words she had written. She let out a deep breath, walking towards Meredith where she stood in the kitchen.
"I have something for you. I don't know if you'll like it, and you might hate me for it." Amber held up a wrapped package. "I know it's not any of my business and I had no right to write about any of it, but you inspire me."
Meredith's lips curved upwards into a smile. "Your book?"
Amber smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I got it printed by one of those self-publish things online. I know you're super busy with your kids and surgeon life, so you don't have to read it or anything. It's a really really rough draft. Maybe someday it'll be more, if that's okay with you."
Meredith unwrapped it. The cover was a photo of her walking away down one of the hallways in the hospital in her lab coat and scrubs. Amber had managed to take it without her knowing.
"It's, uh, split into three parts. Your mom, you, and Cassie. Cassie's story isn't really finished yet, you know, but it's what it is right now. It's super personal. No one's ever going to see it besides you. I hope you're not mad."
Meredith ran her fingers across the font on the cover. "My mother might be turning over in her grave, but I'm not. I love it. The title is genius."
"Well, it's about what makes you you. All this pieces of you, of your story, are what made you into this person, this phenomenal surgeon and mother, that you are today. It's dorky, I know." She paused. "I just want you to know that I'm so grateful for everything you've done for me these last few years. It means more to me than you'll ever know."
"Amber... you'll always have a home to come home to with me. I hope you know that. And what are you talking about? Who else is going to babysit my kids?" She grinned.
Amber responded with a smile. Cassie came thudding down the stairs, eyeballing the object in Meredith's hand, squealing with joy. "You finished your book! Did you decide on a title?"
Amber nodded, "Yeah. I decided to call it... Grey's Anatomy."