Kill me
my endless pain,
my worthless ode
my sins atoned
My perverse role
in this empty hole
A world of endless sorrow
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The wind was speeding up messing everything in the process. But Gun could swear he never saw such a more beautiful sight. The raindrops were falling but not heavily. The sun seems to be out of sight. There was a sad kind of silence in the weather today.
But still, this day was beautiful. It's suitable for staying in bed and do nothing. It is suitable for confessing love. But it is not suitable for a funeral.
A hand grabbed his shoulder as Gun looked beside him. His eyes falling on his boyfriend.
"He is gone isn't he?"
Off didn't answer. He only could grabbed his boyfriend in a warm hug wishing it will solve everything. Except it didn't. He was still crying. And with every cry his heart was breaking.
"What am I gonna do when that man wakes up. What am I gonna answer to Mew. What am I gonna...gonna say.."
"It's ok...everything will be ok with time." Off tried to console him again but it only seems to increase Gun's cries more as he looked at the people lowering the coffin slowly in the ground.
A painful scream came out from his lips as he collapse on the ground. Off was still holding onto him tightly trying to stop his own tears.
His eyes fell on the people there. Gary Kanawut was standing there without any expression on his face. Mew's friend Mild was crying in a corner avoiding looking at the coffin. And the middle aged woman was crying her eyes out. Another woman trying to support her but she was crying too.
"What am I gonna say to him, Off. He will ask me. What am I gonna answer...TELL ME."
But off couldn't say anything at all. How could he answer. He doesn't know how he could answer to question like that.
The coffin was almost down when Gun tried to run there. "No...don't leave him alone there. He doesn't like to be alone. Don't..leave him alone there..." Off held a sobbing Gun in his arms trying to stop him.
"Don't leave my friend..alone....DON'T LEAVE HIM ALONE.."
Off now couldn't hold himself anymore, Crying along side his boyfriend as he saw the coffin finally getting under the ground. Leaving all of them in devastation.
Gun's eyes were still stuck there. He kept looking at it with blurry eyes until it was out of everyone's eyes. In the darkness somewhere. Away from all of them.
Gary Kanawut was still looking at the spot with emotionless eyes. Matilda looked at him with anger. "Sir, must be very happy now. Your last blood related person is gone too. Isn't it time to celebrate?"
"Mom..let's go from here." Aom tried to talk to her mother who shook her hand off going near the old Kanawut. "Are you happy now, Mr. Kanawut? Are you happy now that your grandson is dead too."
"Matilda!" Gary looked at her with anger. "Did you forget who I am."
"NO..No I never did. You're the person who made this child's life turn into a hell till the time...till the time he had to go away like this. How can I forget Sir?"
"I think you've gone mad."
"Yes..I have. I have gone mad a long time ago. This child was the only thing binding me to all this fiasco you created but now..." Tears stream down her face again as she look at the grave . "Now he is gone too. Enjoy the rest of your life Mr. Kanawut. Alone. That's what you deserve."
"MATILDA! You're crossing your boundaries." Everyone was looking at them now.
"Did I? Do I need to apologies for this. Or are you gonna kill me like you killed your son, Sir?"
"Enough!"
"Mom..Mom, please let's go. Please let's just go from here." Aom keeps trying to take her mother away from there.
"Yes, I will go now. This child is gone now. I have to go now too. I don't have anyone in that house now. I don't have anyone in there who will complain to me about making food. No one will ask me for extra pie anymore. No one will sit at my bedside for the whole night when I was sick...I don't...have anyone now." She broke down into tears again. This time Aom couldn't stop herself either as he held her mother tightly in her arms.
Gun's eyes were getting blurry again as he looked towards the sky. The rainfall were increasing now. The dampness also making the air heavy. It wasn't beautiful day anymore. It was nothing like a beautiful day anymore. It was ruined. Everything was ruined.
A chuckle left his lips as he looked at the graveyard. "Do you know" he whispered. "That idiot was never afraid of this places. Even when he was young. But he was afraid of one thing."
The huge lump forming in his throat were making it harder to talk . "He was afraid that when he die, nobody will spill a tear for him." He laughed through tears looking at Off. "He should've been here to see today. That there were people too who is here for him..who cared for him..who...who will...cry for him."
Off couldn't stop his tears as he held a sobbing Gun in his arms. He was right. Today the tears falling from these people's eyes were for that man who always thought of himself as alone. Who only thought that he was undeserving of love. Today this tears were enough to prove that he was deserving of Love. He always had people who truly cared for him. The man who always said that he doesn't have a family, should've known that he does have one. Doesn't matter how small it was. But he does have a family, that loved him wholeheartedly.
.......................... ............................... ................................
Puifai forgot for how much time she was sitting here for. It must've been awhile. But she just couldn't leave his side. She just couldn't leave him alone. She was sitting beside Mew since he had been admitted here. She was always here when they took him to the OT. She couldn't leave when they transferred him to the I.C.U.
She stayed. Because if that man was here, he would've done the same. Just like before. She remembered, when he was in a coma five years ago. Nobody could made that man leave Mew's side then. He will always sit with him. Holding his hand tightly in his. Puifai saw how that man tried and tried to not let go of his hand that time.
"He isn't here Mew. So let me hold your hand." She whispered to the unconscious man. "Let me stay beside you. Let me take your pain away. That man isn't here to do it anymore." A tear left her eyes. "So let me do it instead." Why was she feeling so guilty. It wasn't her fault. Then why was she feeling as if it was her fault from the beginning. It was her stubbornness to not see the truth that separated them. If only...If only she was brave enough to see the truth back then. If only she was sensible enough to not listen to that old man. If only...if only she could understand back then that love Mew has for Gulf is not something that will go away easily. If only....
"What are we gonna do Fai." Mild came to sit beside her. His eyes were fixed on Mew. Various tubes attached to his body. They had to keep him on life support for now cause he still wasn't breathing on his own. And Mild was afraid cause the doctors said he went through a mental trauma. Another will be enough for permanent brain damages.
"What are we gonna tell him when he wakes up. This idiot will seek for him. Just like always. He will ask for Gulf. What are we gonna say?"
"I don't know. " She looks at mild with tears streaming down her face. "I Don't know. I don't know Mild."
Mild embraced her trying to soothe her pain. But he was in pain too. Still he knew, these pain will be nothing in front of what that man will feel once he is awake.
Nobody knew it better than Mild. After all he was by this man's side for five years. When he first woke up from the coma, everyone was happy. But he wasn't. Mild remembered how his eyes were looking at the door as if waiting for something else. Or someone else.
"We can't tell him, Fai. He won't be able to bear it." Mild controlled his tears pulling her back to look at her eyes. "Do you hear me? We can't tell anything to him. You heard the doctor didn't you. Even one more shock will be enough to kill him now. We have to lie. We have to."
Puifai nodded before looking at the man lying on the bed. A troubled look on his bandaged face. It must've been hurt. But Puifai knew, this pain will be nothing to what he will feel once he knows the truth. Mild was right. He can't know the truth. Never.
............................. ................................ ..........................
Gun's eyes were fixed on the TV on the wall in the hospital canteen. A cup of coffee in front of him.
"He still hasn't woken up?" Off said sitting beside him. He just came straight from his office. After the funeral he has been coming here everyday with his boyfriend.
"No." Gun's voice was full of sadness as he looked at Gun. "It is better this way. I may sound selfish, Off. But As long as he doesn't wake up he won't have to know the truth. And as long as he doesn't know the truth, he will be ok."
"It will be ok. He won't know. Mr. Kanawut has still kept the news a secret. That old man is really something else. Still thinking of profit even at a moment like this."
A sigh left Gun's lips as he began to sip his coffee again but suddenly stopped midway. the news displaying on the TV made him stop for a moment.
"Isn't that Gary Kanawut?"
He didn't answered off. He slowly stood up going towards the tv to get a better look. Is it right? What he was seeing, was it not a hallucination?
The Vice Chairman of Kanawut Corporation, Mr. Gary kanawut has been arrested today for accusation of being a part behind his son's mysterious death a few years ago. According to sources, He has been behind other suspicious activities too. The police are already investigating the events. Stay with us to know more about this later. We will keep you updated about the situation.
Gun's hand balled into a fist. This is low even for a man like Gary Kanawut. Killing his own son? For what? Power, money...fame. Is this all that man could see?
" This is disgusting. How could he?" Off's angry voice was cut off by Gun
"He was right about this."
"What?"
Gun looked at his boyfriend. "Gulf knew this. He knew it from along time ago. That's why he did that marriage fiasco. It was a power battle."
"What are you talking about."
Gun looked at his boyfriend with a small smile. "It actually worked. I thought...
Gun was about to say more but a frantic voice made him stopped.
"He..Help him..." It was Puifai crying uncontrollably while pointing towards the corridor where Mew's room was. "Pl..please..he..he will do something...stop him..please.."
It didn't take one second for Gun to know who she was talking about. Her tear stricken face was enough for him to know who that was.
"Pl..ease..."
He ran towards Mew's room before she can speak again. Something was wrong. From Puifai's voice it was obvious that something has happened while they were in the canteen.
And as if to proof his theory, the scene before him unfolded quickly. Before he can understand anything. He wanted to run ahead but he had to stop in there. Cause what he was seeing was not something he can control.
"MEW...Do..don't do it.." Mild screamed.
"Please son.." His parents were crying. Puifai was on slumped down on the flood sobbing.
Everyone was trying to make the brown eyed man stop from what he was about to do. But he knew nobody can stop what is about to happen. Nobody had the ability. Except. Except only one person.
................... .................. ......................
"I have only one heart Mew Suppasit. And have no doubt, this heart only loves one man. Will always only love one man. and that is you."
Mew didn't even realize when he was smiling while looking at the man standing beside him.
"You..you'' always love me like this?"
Two smiling black eyes fell on him. "You still have doubt?"
Mew shook his head slowly then lay his head on the other's shoulder. The sea waves before them feels like tranquility to him. "Let's stay like this." He grabbed onto the other's hand intertwining their fingers. "Just like this. For the rest of our life. I won't ask for anything else."
He closed his eyes when feeling the other hand's on his head. "But we can't. You've a family to get back to."
He pouted while snuggling closer to the other man. "You are my family now. They have others. I have only you. I'm not going to go anywhere."
He can heard the other man sigh. It sounded sad to his ears as he look up at him. Those black eyes were on the sea looking lost for a moment. He seems to be in deep thoughts.
"We don't always get what we want, Mew."
"But I'm not asking for much." He grabbed the man's cheek making him turn towards him. "I just want to be by your side. For the rest of my life."
A small smile appeared on the other man's lips. But for some reason, it seems sad. "Don't settle for something so little. Try to think big. What if I'm holding you back from something even more good?"
Mew sat up straight looking with anger at the other man. "I don't care. I don't care for anything else. I just...." A tear fell from his eyes. " I just want to be yours. Stay as yours. Why can't you give me this small thing?" He throw himself at the other man. Holding him tightly. "Don't push me away from you. I won't be able to bear it Gulf. Don't ask me to go away from you."
"But I've to go Mew. I can't stay with you anymore. Our story, ends here."
Mew's brows furrowed in confusion as he sat straight up with every intention of scolding that man for even uttering those words. But there was no one there. It was empty.
"Gu...Gulf..." He whispered brokenly. "Wh...where are you?" Nobody answered. It was only the silence that greeted him. The waves the looked peaceful to him turned into a storm suddenly as he looked around with fear.
"GULF....DON'T DO IT. I'M SCARED..." He stood up running towards something he can't see. The fear only increasing in his heart as he kept screaming that name. But there was no one to reply to him. No one to take him into his arms saying it is ok.
There was no one. That black eyed man were no where in sight. "GULF....."
"GULF........"
Mew's screaming wake up Mild. He was just closed his eyes a moment ago from tiredness.
He was very surprised to see that Mew has finally woken up. But he was afraid by seeing how that brown eyed man was searching for that man.
"GULF...." Mew was looking around in fear as Mild ran to him.
"Mew....It' ok...shh..It's ok...calm down."
But Mew wasn't listening to him. "Where is he...GULF..." He screamed again hoping to see those black eyes appear in the room at anytime. But there were nobody there. And it was making him restless with fear.
"Mew...." Mew's mother hurriedly entered the room after hearing her son's voice. She was so happy for a moment. "You are awake...' She went to hug him but he moved away making her stop. "M..Mew.."
He looked at her with fear then looked around again with tears in his eyes.
"Gu..GULF...Where is...where is he......"
"Mew, calm down." Aom tried to approach him making him jump down from the bed. But because of weakens, he fell down. Mild held him up trying to calm him down again.
"Shhh..It's ok...It's ok..."
Mew looked at him through tears. "It is not ok. He...he promised me..he won't leave me...Mild...bring him here..."
Mild couldn't answer him. His eys looking down in guilt.
"Why aren't you saying anything? Bring him to me...You...You are my friend aren't you?"
He nodded tearfully. "I am."
"Then can you please call him. He..he won't listen to me. He...He never listen to me."
Mild couldn't hold himself anymore from breaking down into tears.
"Why are you crying?" Mew screamed again pulling his collar. "Why are you crying? Why are you not calling him?"
"He..He can't" Aom said trying to control herself. "He..He is not here. He..." She gulped down. "He.."
"He left didn't he?"
Aom looked at Mew with surprise. He slowly stood up from the floor.
"He..he left me again? Didn't he?"
"Mew..it's not like that.." Mild tried to hold his hand but he shook him off.
"I..I've to find him." Mew wiped his tears taking out the iv out of his wrist. "I won't let him leave this time. I..I will not let him leave me again. " He walked out of the door before anyone can catch him again. But he stumbled in the corridor falling in the glass door as Mild hurriedly hold him again to stop from getting hurt as the door broke down
"LET ME GO. HE WILL LEAVE."
It was taking all of Mild's power to hold onto Mew as he called for help.
"Let me go. I...I can't let him leave...I won't. I have to stop him. Let me go..Let me gooo"
"HE IS GONE" Mild told him with anger, tear streaming down his face. "HE IS GONE. HE IS NOT COMING BACK. NOT NOW...not..not ever."
"You're lying...." Mew's voice was nothing but a mere whisper. "You are lying to me..He..he promised me...he won't leave...he promised..."
Mild started sobbing at hearing this. "He is gone Mew..He has left us all. He...He is never coming back again."
"Gone?" Mew whispered. Mild nodded while finally letting go of him thinking he won't run again.
"He...he left?"
Mew slowly stood up looking at his parents then at his friend. The truth slowly settling in. The memory of that day coming back slowly. As he saw those black eyes. before everything was finished for him. He remebered...he remembered those eyes smiling at him painfully through tears, He remembers hearing that goodbye. He remember the unending pain when he hear the gunshot. He remembered everything now.
He gabbed at his chest trying to make the pain stop. But it wasn't. It was only increasing as he remembered that last whispered word.
Goodbye
He shut his eyes before opening them again. His eyes instantly falling on the broken glass piece on the floor.
"Mew..." Mild was afraid. he was very afraid when he saw his friend picking up the glass piece from the floor. "Keep that down."
"MEW..." His father scream as he saw his son putting the glass in his wrist slightly smiling at them.
"I won't let him leave me behind...I...won't let him go alone. He made a promise to me, dad. I won't let him break it."
"Mew...son..please..don't do it." His mother was crying now and he felt sad by looking at that.
"I...I can't take this pain anymore Mom...It hurts.." A broken sob left his lips. "It hurts so much. To be without him. To not look at him. To breath the air without him. It hurts..."
"Mew...please..." Mild try to stop him again. But he didn't listened to them he only looked at them once before looking down again at the source that can end all his pain in a second.
You think you'll say goodbye and I'll let you go. Think again Gulf kanauwt. I'm coming right after you.
He shut down his eyes trying to put the glass in his wrist again. But something stopped his hand.
The screaming around him stopped too as he slowly opened his eyes looking at his hand. The glass never reached his wrist cause another was holding onto it tightly.
"Do you think it is that easy to die Mew Suppasit? Do you really think it is that easy to leave me and go by yourself. Who the hell do you think you are?"
That voice...that cruel voice...A tear left from his eyes as he looked up at the man beside him. The black eyes looking at him angrily but still emotions swimming in them. Thousands and million emotions all at the same time.
"G...Gulf.." He couldn't believe himself. He was very afraid that it was a dream. He was very afraid that he will have to wake up at any moment now. "I..it's you..isn't it..." He slowly touched that man's cheek in fear.
"Where you expecting someone else then? Idiot."
He couldn't stop himself from breaking down into sob anymore as his body gave up. He fell again. Right into where he belonged. In that man's arms. In his home.
"Do you really think you can die so easily? " Gulf's voice broke down in the end as he held that crying man into his arms. "Your life, your heart, they all belong to me. Who gave you the permission to hurt something that is mine?"
Mew couldn't talk. he buried his face even further in that man's chest. His hands holding onto that other man's shirt tightly. He was afraid to let go now.
"Gu...Gulf..." He kept repeating his name again and again. And every time he does, Gulf felt like someone was cutting his heart into pieces. The pain that man was showing was hurting him deeply. It was as if he was feeling the pain this man was emitting. His every tears was like a thorn that were wounding him mercilessly.
"D..Don't leave me..again." Mew's broken voice stabbed directly at his heart again as he tried to see the other man's face. But that man refused to be pulled back from him even a bit. His hands clutched Gulf's shirt even tightly refusing to be apart. Gulf sighed then hold tightly to the other man. "I'm here...I'm right here with you. I'm not leaving. I won't ever again."
Mew still didn't stopped. He kept crying. Refusing to let go of Gulf. He lowly kissed his head trying to calm the brown eyed man down.
Gulf was now sure of one thing. He can do many things. But leaving this man again is not one of them. He held Mew even closer to him and made a promise to himself. For as long as he keeps breathing, he is gonna keep holding onto this man. He is never letting go again.
And this time he was going to make sure that nothing can separate them either.. Nothing at all.
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Dooooone. Not the end. But on the way to the End. One more chapter and then the epilogue. Damn it I'm feeling emotional already. I don't know how am I gonna do this.
Tell me about this chapter guys. Did I make you afraid at first? Hehe. Sorry. Gulf has his reasons. You'll know in the next chapter. Till then, Bye bye.