Above I attached Hostage by Billie Eilish. Give it a listen if you wanna :) enjoy
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The moonlight was spilling through the window as my pencil lightly moved across the paper.
Tyler was laying by my side, his chest steadily rising and falling as he slept. Despite me not being able to wrap my arms around him the way I usually did before going to sleep, a feeling of peace moved through me, especially because in the night, Tyler had subconsciously tangled his legs with mine while he slept. It was almost two in the morning but I hadn't closed my eyes. After Tyler's confession, I simply held him until he calmed down. I listened to his body and made sure not to hold him too close for too long nor did I do anything without his explicit permission.
The conversation with my dads went by in the discombobulating blur. I didn't listen to Tyler as he spoke to them. As selfish as it sounded, I couldn't bear hearing about the awful things that I saw him go through first hand. I merely read his body language and tightly gripped his hand when he slid his into mine under the table, seeking comfort.
Afterwords, we came back and he instantly fell asleep, likely exhausted from his emotional purge. Not too long after he closed his eyes, I got a text from my Papa explaining how Mr. Barnett had actually called him saying that he knew Tyler was there and that he was thankful we could offer him a place to stay during all the madness that was going on. When I asked Papa how Tyler's dad had gotten his number, he explained that it was likely through the Parent Book, an online resource that had all of the contact info for every parent of a football player at the school for carpooling so parents always had each other's info.
I had to admit that despite a big part of me wanting to be mad at Mr. Barnett for the unfair position Tyler was in, I couldn't. He was in the thick of it as well. That monster was threatening to take his kids. His life. His everything away for her own petty wants. It was an awful situation all around.
I sighed as I continued moving my pencil across the page. I'd decided to draw another picture for Tyler, but this time instead of it simply being a picture of him, I drew a picture of what I thought we looked like out on the field when we came out. The intimate way our lips met, the way you could see how much we loved each other through the gentle way we held each other, the smiles that tugged at our interlocked lips. All of it.
As my pencil continued racing across the page and leaving intricate lines and shades, my mind raced as well. Now that the emotional high I'd been riding on during Tyler's confessions and stories had waned, I was fully realizing how heavy the situation was. I mean, I understood when Tyler was staring me in the eyes with tears running down his face trying– and utterly failing– to convince me that he was fucked up beyond saving, God I understood it then, but now under the lens of having this and school and All-State coming up in less than 2 days, my skull was all but bursting. It all also made my heart ache for Tyler even more. Knowing him, his stubborn self would refuse to not go to All-State no matter how much logic and common sense pointed at that being a bad idea. Also, with his prime mode of assurance and relaxation (physical touch) being null and void at the moment, I realistically didn't know what I could do for him if he broke down all the way on the other side of the state.
The very thought made me sick. I really wanted to be there for him, but, I was coming to terms with the soul-crushing fact that I alone could do nothing for him. My hugs could only comfort him so long, my kisses would only distract him so much, and, as I'd learned, prolonged distractions only make facing the problem head-on that much harder.
I sighed as I looked at Tyler next to me. He still had that furrow in his naturally arched brows. "What am I to do for you, il mio re?" I softly asked. It was moments like this that I was studying his face that I really missed the feeling of his arms around me, even if it was just in his sleep. A selfish part of me wants to wrap my arms around him and pull him into me so I could be absorbed by him, but I fought the strong urge.
Don't rush him, I reminded myself as I wiggled my toes, causing them to gently brush against his. I looked at my clock. 2:03. I sighed as my focus went back to the work at hand. I had four more hours until he woke up and despite the intense feeling of drowsiness that relentlessly tugged at my eyelids, I didn't feel tired. Instead, I felt an odd sense of something festering in me. Maybe it was worry, maybe doubt, it could've even been excitement at the idea of helping Tyler finally escape his demon of a mother once and for all. Whatever it was, the feeling allowed me to continue working on my simple gift for him as the minutes turned to hours and the veins of the sleepless city quickly started pumping with the blood of pedestrians and traffic that knew no limit and had no respect for time.
I was in the middle of working on some details for the picture when Tyler's alarm pierced through the air, causing me to jump. I looked at the clock and sure enough, it was 6:05 on the dot. My eyebrows slightly pulled together as I reached over and silenced the deafening alarm. The time had really flown by. Tyler softly groaned as he shifted in the bed. "Five more minutes," he groaned as he turned and, to my surprise, he wrapped his arms around my waist, barely missing the paper in the process.
Despite the fact that I'd desperately been deprived of his touch, it caught me by surprise, especially because it was so careless and relaxed. I couldn't help but think back to the first night we spent together all those nights ago back in Tyler's room. Back then our biggest fear was kissing each other with morning breath. Oh, to be back in those simpler times.
However, the nostalgic moment didn't last long because despite how amazing it felt, I knew Tyler was simply holding me out of habit rather than a conscious choice. The way his eyelids were still gingerly closed and the soft chorus of snores that were already escaping his full lips confirmed my finding. I knew he'd be uncomfortable if he woke up in this position, so I did the most painful thing I could do at that moment.
I woke him.
"Ty?" I softly called as I gently nudged him with my legs that were still helplessly tangled in his. "Tyler, wake up."
He groaned again but didn't seem like he was going to fully wake up. So, I continued moving as much as I could until he finally started to stir. He sat up before he fully woke up, which thankfully saved us from whatever awkward moment we would've shared if he'd woken up with his arms still tightly wrapped around me. He stretched as I stealthily slide my drawing and pencils into my table-side drawer.
"Good morning," I gently greeted, fighting the extremely strong urge to run my fingers across his face and kiss him the way I usually did in the mornings.
"Morning," he said, his voice deep and husky from being asleep. The urge to kiss him was ripping me apart from the inside out. I carefully swallowed and desperately reminded myself to keep my horniess on a leash, especially now.
"Uh, how was your, erm, sleep?"
"Good," he responded as he stretched. It was true what they said: you never realize what you have until it's gone, much like how I didn't know how incredibly sexy Tyler looked when he stretched until I couldn't touch him whenever I wanted. My thoughts caused me to blush.
Come on, Addi. You're stronger than this. If you don't at least stay strong for yourself, stay strong for him. He needs you.
Those thoughts were enough to sober me up.
"How was your rest?" He asked.
"Fine," I easily responded, not wanting to worry him by revealing that I'd stayed up to watch him. The air didn't feel nearly as heavy as it had in the days before, however, there was a certain hesitance that swam in all of Tyler's movements as if he was perfectly calculating every move before he made it. Though I was beyond elated that we were back to normal speaking terms, my heart ached due to the thickness that still hung in the air.
He hummed in response as he threw the covers off of himself before he stood up and looked at me, the little light that flowed through the window getting caught in his beautiful brown eyes. "Well, I'm going to brush my teeth and shower." I waited for a beat, half expecting him to invite me to join him or at least make a cheeky remark about how our last shower together had ended, but I got neither.
"Wait, Ty. You...You don't have to go to school today if you don't wanna. I mean, I'm not trying to baby you or control you or anything but, I mean, last night was a lot and I don't want you to feel like you have to put up a facade or that you have to go, especially if you're not ready. We could just stay here and talk or not talk or do whatever if you want."
A soft chuckle floated into my ears from the other side of the dark room, his sweet, soft melody that my ears had become accustomed to and had missed dearly. "Thanks, but I think I'm good."
I swallowed as I focused on the outline of him that I could see in the dark. "Ok, Ty. I'll trust your judgment. However, please tell me if you're not feeling good, and I'm being so serious right now, Tyler. You don't have to keep putting on a brave face all the time. It's okay to not be okay sometimes. Just...Just communicate with me, okay? Please."
"I will, Romeo. I promise," he softly said after a few moments of silence, causing my heart to flutter at him using my nickname. My cheek tingled as my brain imagined him cupping my cheek as he spoke the way he likely would've if we weren't traumatized by the massive cluster-fuck his mother had him in.
I found myself grinning though I knew that the odds were that he couldn't see it. "Alright then. I'll get started on breakfast."
After a few seconds, the bathroom light flipped on before Tyler wandered in farther and started the shower water. He liked brushing his teeth as the water warmed up in order to save time. What stuck out to me though was how he didn't hurry to close the door and create a physical barrier between us the way he'd been doing for the past few days. But instead, he left the door open as if inviting me in. As if reassuring me that...well I didn't know, but I knew that it was progress. But, in order to avoid accidentally messing anything up in case I'd read his "sign" wrong– because he could've simply forgotten to close it after all–I hurriedly walked past my bathroom and headed to the door. "Addison, wait," Tyler said, causing me to instantly stop and turn back to the bathroom as he stuck his head out.
"Yeah?"
"I love you," he softly said. The three words gently caressed my heart and made my insides warm up.
I smiled as the tension that had been holding my muscles hostage slowly dissipated. "I love you too."
The corners of his lips turned up before he ducked back into the bathroom. Contrary to the other times, I openly allowed myself to fist bump the air as a feeling of happiness and hope swelled within my chest.
I did a mini victory dance as I made my way down the hallway, however, I was so consumed in the small victory that Tyler's 3-word phrase gave me that I almost ran into someone with that someone being my sister.
"It looks like someone's feeling energetic this morning. That makes one of us," Azalea said, her voice saturated with fatigue as she put a hand on top of her bonnet. She looked past me toward the direction of my room. "How is he?"
"He's...doing," was all I could say because I honestly didn't have an answer to that question. Only Tyler knew the true answer and it wasn't my place to speculate and infer his feelings, especially not with such a touchy subject.
Azalea nodded. "You're a good boyfriend, Addison. Looking out for him and stuff. Just don't do it at your own expense." She reached out and gently ran her thumb along the skin under my eyes. "It won't do anyone any good if you're both down for the count, 'kay?"
I nodded. She pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek before she let go of me. I made my way down to the kitchen and quickly whipped up some cinnamon oatmeal with diced apples the way Tyler liked it along with a marocchino. Though I knew it was unlikely Ty would want to eat anything, it was my job as his concerned, loving boyfriend to make him, so I might as well make him something good to eat.
Within no time I was heading back up to my room with my hands full. When I walked in, I caught him in the middle of picking out clothes. He was sporting dark gray briefs as he stood with his hands on his hips in front of my closet. My heart fluttered knowing that he was still comfortable enough to wear my clothes. After a few moments, he grabbed one of my simple black hoodies with matching sweats before he threw them on the bed. As he did so, his eyes caught mine and he straightened up, awkwardly clearing his throat. "Um, hey."
"Hey," I said as I fully walked into the room and showed him the offering in my hands. "I made you breakfast. You don't have to eat all of it if you don't want to, but you need something in your stomach, especially if you're planning on going to practice today."
He nodded as he approached me and took my offerings. "Thanks, Addi. I appreciate it." Our fingertips touched as he grabbed the food and I felt goosebumps rise on my skin the way they did when I was still hiding my feelings for him. "What's this called again?" He motioned to the cup of coffee.
"A marocchino."
"Marocchino," he repeated before he shook his head. "It still sounds way better when you say it."
I grinned at him as he settled himself on my bed with the food in his lap. His eyes then landed on the clothes he had laid out on my bed. "I hope it's still okay that I'm wearing your clothes. I haven't had a chance to wash mine, but if you–"
"Tyler, babe, it's okay. Anything in this closet, this room, or this house is available to you. Besides, I like it when you wear my clothes. They look good on you."
Tyler, in his flustered state, awkwardly chuckled as he broke eye contact. "Oh, ok."
There was a certain something in the air that resembled how we used to act around each other before we got together: hesitant and constricted. On one hand, it was cute, especially considering all we'd been through and all we'd done to each other just for us to act like shy and secretive after-school-special lovers. But I didn't push it. He needed time.
I stood there for a few moments to make sure that he was actually eating the food and not simply waiting for me to shower so he could throw it out. After my bout of depression, I knew how unappealing food and eating and general self-care was, trust me I knew it too well, so I really didn't want Ty to go through the same thing. But after he ate his first spoonful, he continued shoveling the food into his mouth in steady, hunger-driven intervals, so I knew that he would be okay for the time being.
I spent as little time as humanly possible in the bathroom brushing my teeth and showering. Within twelve or so minutes, I was back in my room with my towel around my waist as I used another towel to dry off my hair.
Tyler was finishing off his coffee as I made my way to my closet. After a few moments of searching, I settled on a black turtleneck sweater, grey sweats, and a pair of black sneakers. Not wanting to trigger Tyler or make him uncomfortable, I grabbed my clothes, some underwear from my drawer, and my glasses before I bolted back into the bathroom and changed. I looked in the mirror and made sure that I was satisfied, though I didn't bother with my hair. To finish everything off, I slid my glasses on. I remembered that Tyler said he liked it when I wore them and today, I wanted to do whatever I could to make him feel comfortable and ok, even if that came at the expense of me wearing my glasses out in public. If he asked me to, I'd do it every day. I felt slightly disoriented for a few moments as my eyes adjusted to the new level of clarity that my classes offered. But, after I adjusted, I did one final sweep. I had to admit that my clear framed glasses really pulled the whole look together, albeit, I still felt weird seeing myself in glasses.
I made my way out to where Tyler was and saw him sliding his shoes on. Once he heard me come in, his eyes raised to me. His eyebrows slightly rose as his dark brown eyes looked me up and down. "You look really good today, Addison," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
I grinned. "Thanks. You don't look too shabby yourself, Ty. Hey, so I'm going to go downstairs and make myself a quick breakfast. You're welcome to come or you can stay up here for a bit until I let you know that Azalea's ready and it's time to go. It's up to you."
"I'd like to stay up here for a bit longer," he said and I nodded, though I had to admit that I missed him watching me while I worked and making sneaky remarks about my butt or the way he'd snake his arms around my waist while I cooked or the way he'd literally pull me away from my work just to kiss me and make my heart melt.
But regardless, I said, "Alright. I'll call up when it's time to go. Do you need anything?"
He shook his head. I nodded one more time before I grabbed my backpack from the foot of the bed and started making my way toward the door. However, for the second time that morning, the sound of Tyler calling my name stopped me in my tracks. I turned back to him to see him in a full-standing position a few feet away from me. "Addison, I...I'm sorry. I know this isn't easy, but...thank you for being patient with me and listening to me. I get that it's probably frustrating that things are constantly being flipped on their head between us and stuff but...thanks. I don't know many people that would do the things you've done for me, but I'm glad you've done them. And I promise that things will get back to normal soon. I just need time."
"Ty, you never have to apologize for needing time or for coping. I can imagine everything that you're going through is hard and exhausting, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm here to help, so whatever you need me to do or need me to stop doing, I'll do it if it helps you. I agreed to all of that when I said I love you for the first time. That's what I'm here for."
A grin tugged at the edge of his lips and then he did the last thing I expected him to: he hugged me. He tightly wrapped his arms around me and buried my face in my neck. "I know this isn't the best, but it's the best I can do for now," he softly said into me.
I held him tighter. "No, Ty. This is perfect. Thank you," I whispered back as I basked in the feeling of having the boy I loved's arms around me, a feeling I'd long been deprived of.
At that moment standing in the middle of my room with car horns honking outside and the sun still lazily climbing higher into the sky, I knew that everything was going to be ok. In the arms of my boyfriend, I knew that we were going to be okay.
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Hey you guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! As always, the next chapter is already up on Inkitt so you can check it out by clicking the Inkitt link in my bio! FYI, these next few chapters are going to be cutsey chapters, so stick around for those. I can't put my boys through hell all the time, they deserve a break. Anyways, I'm in Florida rn for spring break visiting the college I committed to and I'm in love. At first I was nervous because it seemed like a small town that I would get hate crimed in, but then I realized that was just the back country and the place that my college is actually in is really nice and cool. It's a vibe. Anyways, I hope y'all enjoyed the chapter and if so, make sure you comment and vote!
Also, let me know what your favorite chapter has been so far. I think my favorite is when Tyler opened up about his past with his mom. What about you guys? Let me know in the comments. Finally, start commenting some questions you want the characters to answer. Just like in "Tear In My Heart" I'm going to have the characters do a Q and A before the bonus chapters so feel free to go ahead and comment questions. Alright, I'm done now. Talk to you guys later!
Love y'all– Jordan