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July 17, 2018—Inglewood, CA—FINAL SHOW
Norah
The energy backstage was chaotic.
It wasn't a controlled chaos either.
Shit was like chickens running around with their heads cut off, but also stopping to take a shot of tequila, but then remembering that they can't because don't have their head, and then they're scrambling to go it and—
Just...chaos.
Kacey was partying it up like a madman and I was following her around with my camera like a lost puppy. The crew that had been here since that beginning of 'Harry Styles: Live on Tour' were shedding tears of triumph and pride throughout the day. We even managed to take a massive crew photo in a reasonable amount of time.
And in other news...
Kacey asked me to join her on her on her 'Oh, What a World' European Tour starting in the end of October. I said yes, and then Kacey fell to her knees and praised God that her Instagram feed would stay top tier.
I swear she loved me for more than just my camera.
Eventually, she had to settle down for hair and makeup, and it felt heavenly to rest my feet for what felt like the first time that day.
"After my set, we're getting drunk."
"Tipsy."
"Drunk."
"Buzzed."
"Drunk, Norah!"
Kacey's makeup artist, Mal, laughed at her insistence. "I think Norah can make that decision herself."
"Of course, but the only reason she doesn't want to get drunk is 'cause she's afraid she's gonna jump all over her ex," Kacey said simply with a roll of her eyes.
"Who's your ex?" Mal asked.
"Someone working on the tour," I replied.
"And they're that attractive that you think you can't control yourself around them while drunk?"
I laughed. "I can control myself just fine, but I think I'm at the point where I'm not all that confident I could keep my mouth shut."
"Oh, so you've still got feelings."
"...No."
"Yes, she does," Kacey spoke over me.
"We're both emotional unavailable," I clarified.
"What's his name? Wait, is it Ivan from production? He's the cutest guy on crew that I can think of."
"I'd rather not say, but, no, it isn't Ivan."
I wish it was.
No, I didn't.
"I vote to get drunk. We could all use a little mess in our lives, huh?"
I threw back my head with a laugh. "I've had plenty of mess in my life, but I'll keep that in mind, Mal."
My phone starting ringing, so I excused myself out to the hallway to take the call.
"Hey, Kyren."
"Norah! How've you been?"
His naturally enthusiastic voice made all of our phone calls seem less like a boss calling to check-in and more like a friend calling to see what I was up to.
"I'm good, thanks. Tonight's the last show Kacey's opening for."
"I heard. That's actually why I'm giving you a call. I hope I'm not interrupting."
"Not at all. What's up?"
"You're in high-demand, you know that?"
I actually didn't. "Really?"
"Kacey's manager called to confirm your status for her world tour starting in October."
"Yeah, he talked to me. I agreed."
"Perfect. I thought you would. A couple others are requesting you as well."
"Who?"
"Both are shoots before October. It's a Mr. Mendes and...Gucci."
"Gucci?"
Shawn Mendes, too, but Gucci.
Sure, I had an extensive portfolio—a stellar one really—from Rolling Stone to Garage Magazine. But Gucci? Holy shit. My right-brain was already running wild with creative juices. I didn't even know what they wanted me to shoot, but I already knew I'd kill it.
"Yes and yes. To both."
Kyren laughed. "I thought so. I'll send you the details tomorrow when I'm in the office, and you can confirm then, alright?"
"Yes. Sounds perfect. Thanks, Kyren."
"Of course. Have a good show, Norah."
We hung up and I let myself back into Kacey's dressing room. She looked close to being finished with hair and makeup.
"You look happy."
"Was it your ex?" Mal guessed with a twinkle in her eyes.
"It was work."
"Work makes you look like that?"
"She's different," Kacey answered for me.
I shook my head with a smile. Why I agreed to another month with this woman and her antics, I had no idea.
Her phone chimed with a text that must've been from Harry because she announced that when she was finished, we'd be going to his dressing room. I couldn't imagine the party he had going in there.
Before yesterday's show, he had several celebrity guests come backstage to hang out and congratulate him on his tour. Kacey joined in for a little bit, but I didn't have any interest in engaging in the small talk of people who really had nothing in common besides their celebrity status, so I stayed in Kacey's dressing room doing work.
"Who's visiting him today?" I asked, preparing myself for the name-dropping of A-List celebs.
She shrugged. "I don't think anyone at the moment."
That was hard to believe. But, still, as soon Kacey was all done up and ready to go onstage in an hour, I went with her to Harry.
It had been three weeks since I'd gone to Harry's hotel room after he'd been in a foul mood and found out he and Camille had broken up. As eye-opening as that night seemed to be, nothing had really changed between us since then. Harry was constantly writing or in the studio, and I rarely saw him out of the tour setting let alone had an actual conversation with him.
And now, the tour was finished tonight, and I had no clue what the future held for him and I. I cared for him so much more than I wished to admit, and I knew he would say the same. So, what did that mean exactly?
"The gals are here!" Harry announced after Jeff let us into the room.
I was surprised to see only him, Jeff, and his hair stylist. Part of me was preparing myself to walk in and see Kendall Jenner or something.
"How's the space cowboy feeling tonight?" Kacey asked, taking a seat on his couch. I sat on the other side.
"Excellent. How are you? You look very sparkly."
She glanced down at her bedazzled mini skirt and blazer set. "I always look sparkly."
He craned his neck to look at me. "You ready to get rid of me after tonight, Norah?"
I rolled my eyes, my nose wrinkling. "You're ridiculous."
"What?"
"Why would you say that?"
"I'm just joking."
"It's not funny."
He gave a quizzical smile. "Why are you so bothered?"
"My neck hurts from this tennis match, y'all," Kacey pitched in, looking between the two of us and adding a neck rub for the dramatics.
He chuckled quietly, and I settled back into the couch with my arms crossed over my chest.
Maybe I was subconsciously taking out my conflicted thoughts of the tour ending tonight on him. But maybe he also deserved it for that stupid question.
Within the next ten minutes, Jeff excused himself go make a phone call, Harry's hair stylist finished up and left the room, and Kacey's got another text that took away her attention from her conversation with Harry.
"Uhh..." She glanced down at her phone. "I'll be back in a minute."
"What? We just got here," I said.
"Just stay put. I'll be back." She left the room.
Thank you so much, Kacey. Honestly. I really really wanted to be left alone with him. I completely felt the need to have a private conversation with him, and I definitely was not talking earlier about the fact that this was the very situation I was hoping to av—
"Anyone you know coming to the show?" Harry asked me, moving to sit down in Kacey's vacant spot on the couch.
"No. My friends all work, so it would be a tough wake-up tomorrow morning."
For the Inglewood shows, the crew were given hotel accommodations through tonight for travel safety reasons. It was best that the crew traveled to and from shows in the buses rather than having anyone who lived in the area commute to and from. So, while I was just about an hour from Winter and Jared's place, I would head back tomorrow morning after check-out. I'd also hate to accidentally wake them up at the wee hours of the morning.
"What have you got planned next?" He asked next, kicking his ankle up to rest just above his knee. To complete the relaxed pose, his laid his arm across the back of the couch and his hand wrapped around his ankle.
"Do you actually have time to talk to me?"
"Now, that's a stupid question."
"I just mean...don't you have celebrities to meet and friends to catch up with now that you're back in LA?"
"Jeff hasn't come to collect me yet and I saw all the friends I wanted to yesterday."
I kept at it. "Are they here? Shouldn't you be hanging out with them instead of sitting in here alone?"
"I'm not alone. I'm with you. And I was with Kacey, too."
"That's boring, isn't it?"
His eyes tightened. "Are you trying to piss me off, Norah?"
"No, and if I was, you wouldn't need to ask. You'd know."
"You want to know something?" He pointed a finger at me and wiggled it, like he'd just made some grand discovery.
"Sure."
"Every time we talk, you deflect the entire time. I think it's because you're afraid to have a real conversation with me."
"That's so completely wrong. I've had many conversations with you."
"Three. Maybe four."
"Exactly."
"And you're always deflecting."
"What does that even mean?"
"Exactly that!"
"Well, I don't know what it means!"
"You're a college graduate with degrees in English and Communications, yes you do. And you know exactly what you're doing. You can't handle the fact that I'm here—my attention completely on you—and I'm willing to have a real conversation where we might dive into the two and half years missing between us. But, instead, you distract me with questions and act distant the whole time."
"You sound like Zoe," I muttered.
"Zoe? Who's Zoe?"
Someone I talk to for an hour—sometimes more—every other Thursday.
"Have you ever thought about why I might be doing that?" I asked.
"No. Enlighten me."
"I'm not ready to tell you everything."
His eyes softened as his brows pulled together. "I know, and you don't have to. I just don't want you to feel awkward around me."
"We used to have sex. Of course it's going to be awkward."
His eyes widened and he looked away with pursed lips curled into a smile like he was trying to hold back his laughter. He expelled a sigh, lifting a hand and letting it come down to hit his thigh before a little white lie left his mouth, "It's not awkward for me."
I laughed hysterically. "You're psychotic."
He gave a coy smile. "That's not very nice."
I shrugged.
He dropped the arm from the back of the couch, shifting his body more towards me, and said, "Promise me something, Norah."
"Depends."
"We meet up soon. Neutral setting. Catch up."
"How am I gonna reach you? Email?" I teased, referring to the first mode of contact he'd offered me around the second or third time we'd met.
He cracked a smile. "Is that a yes?"
"Do you do this with all your exes?"
"I'm going to spank you, Norah Baker," he said, and the clench of his jaw told me he was legitimately debating it.
I stood my ground because, frankly, I wasn't afraid of the consequence. "Answer the question."
"How about you ask me a different question?"
"Like what?"
"Like if I still—" His phone buzzed in his lap. We both glanced down and I caught Kacey's name with an incoming text.
Why was she texting him when she should be here helping me deflect?!
The corners of his lips curled up at whatever the message was, and he locked his phone without replying to it.
"Anyways," he continued. "Can I get your number then?"
"So, you've lost it over the years?"
"I've gotten several new numbers. Lost all my contacts many times over."
Oh.
His phone buzzed a few more times with several texts, distracting him. "Oh, shit," he grumbled, still focused on his phone.
"What?"
"Jeff just texted that I gotta meet with someone."
"It doesn't look like you like this person all too much."
His frown deepened. "They're a...boisterous bastard."
Blinking, I held back a laugh. What the hell kind of word is boisterous to describe someone you don't like?
A knock came at the door.
"Oh, no," Harry gasped.
That's when it sunk in for me that there was something else going on. His reactions were way over-exaggerated, and I guessed I'd figure out why that was soon enough. I stiffened in anticipation as the door opened.
"No fucking way," I blurted. "You asshole!" I blindly went to hit Harry in his shoulder, but his hand clasped around mine, holding it tight while he roared with laughter.
Niall—lord have mercy—Horan strode in like he owned the place with his arms out, awaiting hugs.
"My divorced parents! How's the craic?!"
I got up to give him big hug. He shook with laughter as he held me tight. "Your hair's changed."
"Your hair's changed," I countered. The hint of blonde was no longer.
We pulled away and he went in to embrace Harry next, who'd come to stand next to me. I was still so in shock, and I wondered if there would ever be a time I saw Niall without it making me nearly shit my pants.
"How are you, brother?" Harry asked, patting his back.
"Excellent. Glad to be here."
I narrowed my eyes at Niall. "Hold on. I follow you on Instagram. Doesn't your tour start tomorrow?"
With an arm around Harry's shoulder, Niall nodded. "Yes, ma'am. I'm leaving early tomorrow morning to Texas," he said with a country accent.
Well, that's nice of him to come.
I shifted my attention to Harry. "So he was the 'boisterous bastard'?"
His grin widened to show off his dimples. There was still an air of mystery in them.
"'Boisterous bastard'? That can't be me," Niall said dramatically, slapping a hand to his chest.
"It's me, bitch!"
"And me."
I shook my head back and forth in denial, not yet turning around to the new voices. "No way."
Niall smiled a knowing grin. The crow's feet at the corners of Harry's eyes showed the genuineness of the joy he got out of surprising me.
When I turned, my two best friends were standing in front of me with Kacey right behind them. There was no evidence at all that Winter was pregnant as she wore her favorite fitted jeans and a graphic tee. She was nearing three months now, and her morning sickness came very rarely, so she no longer had a green tint to her that was evident even over FaceTime calls. Jared looked as content as ever.
"Why..." I was speechless.
"We couldn't miss another meet and greet with forty percent of One Direction," Winter said. Harry and Niall snickered at that. She looked at Harry. "And 'boisterous bastard' was a terrible codename, Harry."
"It was all I could think of," he insisted.
I hugged her tight, then moved to give one to Jared. "You guys are gonna give me a heart attack with these surprises. Jesus."
Jare chuckled. "It's the same people every time. You make it pretty easy."
It wasn't my fault I loved these people way too much. They went on to greet Harry before taking a seat on the couch. I flitted my gaze to Kacey and Niall as they looked at my friends with familiarity. The room erupted in chatter about Winter's pregnancy, Harry's show, and Niall's idiotic but sweet gesture of coming to see the show a day before his own.
For a moment, all seemed just about right in my world.
++
"Stop your crying, baby, it's a sign of the times."
Winter and I were arm in arm standing just beside the stage's stairs. On either side of us were Jeff and Niall to my right and Jared to Winter's left. We were pretty hidden, but still out in the open for fans to notice if they looked hard enough. But, to be quite honest, I doubted anybody could take their eyes off of Harry singing the final song of the night.
"We got to get away! We got to get away!"
I was crying, and I had absolutely no shame in it. I blamed it in part on the couple shots Kacey and I had. Niall nudged my shoulder with his, but I was too enamored by Harry's passion.
A spectrum of emotions ran through me, but sadness was certainly a primary one. To watch the man I used to love, on stage and coming into his prime, knowing that what we once had was so fucking special and I ended it. Gratitude was another dominant emotion because I was glad I didn't hold him back from anything.
"We got to, we got to, away! We got to, we got to, away!"
Inhale.
"We got to, we got to, away! We got to, we got to, away!"
Exhale.
"We got to, we got to, away!"
He finished off the last note brilliantly, sending chills across my entire body. The crowd at The Forum went absolutely berserk, and Niall whistled for his best mate.
"Holy shit, that guy is talented," Jared said once Harry disappeared off stage.
"Jaysus," Niall muttered.
"You okay?" Winter asked, squeezing my arm.
I wiped beneath my eyes. "As okay as I can be after that."
It was our cue to head on backstage as well, and sure enough, a couple security guards appeared to lead us away.
"Are you heading back home tonight with us?" Winter asked me.
"I was just gonna stay at the hotel."
"We can just grab your stuff from the hotel and head home, no problem. How are you getting back tomorrow?"
This tour distracted me from many things, but one in particular was that I didn't have my own place. I was still living with Winter and Jared, and I knew that had to change. Until then, I'd stick to my normal game plan, and that was staying out of their hair as much as possible.
I shook my head. "I'll figure it out. You guys go home and rest. I'll see you tomorrow night."
"You sure?"
I nodded.
"Alright." Her tone was doubtful, but she didn't push me any further. She knew better.
I said goodbye to her and Jared, wishing them a safe drive home. Niall was my next goodbye, seeing as he had to get out of there quick to get a good night's rest before tomorrow.
Everyone was congratulating Harry and the band backstage. I took my camera out from the cross-body bag I wore and captured some of the moments between Kacey and everyone. I gave Sarah and Mitch hugs as I'd gotten to know them a bit during my time here. I hoped to see them again soon, but I wasn't too sure under what pretenses that'd happen.
An angry grey cloud hung low over me, and I hoped it wasn't coming across that way to others. There was something about tonight that really threw me into the past. Perhaps it had something to do with Niall, Winter, and Jared coming, or maybe it had everything to do with the fact that it felt like I was splitting up with Harry again.
Part of me was screaming at myself, What is wrong with you? You're being so overdramatic. But the other half was trying to remind myself that unfinished business and traumas I hadn't yet addressed were the reasons behind almost all of my emotional breakdowns. Even using the word 'breakdown' had me criticizing myself. It was a symptom of progress. Progression wasn't a straight line—there were curves, loops, ups, and downs.
I felt like a shell of myself as I packed up my things in Kacey's dressing room. It wasn't much—just some equipment, my backpack, and purse. I sent Kacey a text, telling her I was heading out on the early crew bus and would see her for breakfast tomorrow morning.
As I left the dressing room, I caught a figure coming down the hallway in my peripheral vision.
"Heading out already?" Harry asked, still a ways away. "Where are Winter and Jared?"
"I'm staying at the hotel tonight," I answered back, adjusting the grip on my backpack. Anything to keep myself busy.
"Why? I assumed they'd just bring you home."
I lied easily, "I didn't want them to wait up for me while I said bye and got my things."
"Oh." He finally reached me, coming to a stop about a foot away. Close enough that I could see some of his hair damp with sweat. "Well, you should drive back with me."
"You're driving back tonight?"
"Yeah."
"Alone?" I didn't believe he didn't have at least one person carpooling with him already.
"Yeah. It's..." He looked away, over my shoulder, as if trying to find the words. "I planned it that way. To have time by myself to reflect on the tour. It's something my therapist recommended I do as a sort of post-tour decompression. To battle the low that might come from the really high highs of tour. Driving alone is a way to sort of a separate myself from work."
I was lightly surprised that he delved into details about his therapist's recommendations. It felt good to get a glimpse into his life.
I shook my head. "I don't want to interrupt."
"No, you wouldn't be. I promise you. You're...not work. And I wouldn't be offering if I didn't want you there."
I wasn't expecting that. "It's really okay. I'd rather just go to sleep early. But thanks." I brushed by him, but his voice stopped me in my tracks again.
"What is it?" He asked.
I turned around. "What's what?"
He closed the distance between us. "Why don't you want to go home tonight? Your apartment isn't that far from my house. Honestly, the more time we have together in the car, the more of that lovely singing voice of yours I get to hear." He smiled charmingly.
"I don't live at the apartment anymore."
"Oh." He was taken aback. "When did you move?"
Stop beating around the bush, Norah. It's clearly not getting you anywhere.
"About a year and a half ago. I lived somewhere else for a bit, but for now, I—I live with Winter and Jared." I pursed my lips together. "I...try to stay out of their hair as much as possible."
Somehow this man took in all that information, and didn't miss a beat before saying, "Stay at my place tonight. I have plenty of room. We can be on completely different sides of the house if you'd like. It's—"
"What are you doing?"
I sighed in defeat. "Honestly?"
"Please."
"I'm trying to soak up as much time with you as possible."
My rebuttal caught in my throat. For the millionth time today, it seemed Harry had left me without words. My mind went at war with itself again.
On the one hand, an hour long car ride would surely complicate things further in my brain when it came to the status of him and I. On the other, I recognized he'd just shared the very same sentiment I'd been yearning for all night.
More time.
"Okay. I'll drive with you."
...
Bestiiiiessss...you know I love a good cliff hanger, but it only makes for better flow into the next chapter (: And the good news is the next chapter will be out in 3-4 days rather than a week! <3
Sorry for the delay on this one! My dear friend ✨anxiety✨ came for a visit, but we're chilling now!! Love you all!
Stay safe!! <3