In my heart I will hold what my bloody hands have dropped.
Sydney stared listlessly out the window of Adam's car as they made their way south on I5. She couldn't believe she had left Seattle, not that she'd had any choice. Adam dropped the bomb that he had sold Sydney's truck while she'd been away, and she had been irate. All of her father's tapes had been in that truck. The anger was enough that she had tried to leave again, deciding that she didn't care what Adam did in retaliation. However that's when he had grabbed her, and for the first time ever she felt the cold metal of a knife as he pressed it to her throat.
"Try to leave again, doll, I dare you. I wasn't kidding when I said I wouldn't let anyone else have you."
It had all gotten very, very real after that. She knew that she needed a plan, and a damn good one. At the moment though, all she could focus on was the ringing in her ears and keeping her tears at bay. For someone who never cried, it seemed like that was all she was capable of lately. Chris was on her mind constantly. What would he think? Would he know that she would never have left him if she'd had the choice? None of this was okay, and she was worried... about herself of course, but mostly about Chris. He had lost Andy, and now she was gone too.
The day before, Adam's parents had come by to see them off. They completely ignored Sydney's swollen, scabbed lip, going on and on about how happy they were for this fresh start they were getting. Sydney had said nothing, unable to trust what might have come out of her mouth.
She still had barely said a word, and they were now in the second day of their journey south. She was holding so much pain inside of her that she didn't know how to process. She'd just lost everyone she cared about. Andy had passed away in front of her eyes only two weeks ago. There was the uncertainty of whether or not she would ever see Chris again. That alone was too much to bear.
"We're almost there, doll. Excited?"
Adam's voice broke through her thoughts, his hand reaching over to squeeze her knee.
"Yeah."
She knew her dull repose wasn't lost on him, yet it just made his smile bigger. He enjoyed having this power over her, and she had practically gifted it to him on a silver platter. Looking back out the window, she dug her thumbnail into the exposed skin of her thigh through the hole in her jeans. That's where she focused all of her attention, focusing hard so that she wouldn't lose her mind.
***
Chris blew cigarette smoke into the crisp morning air. He hadn't been able to sleep again, so he had been up going through his things. He was ready to be out of this house, leaving the reminders of all the good things he had lost behind. Putting the butt out in the concrete on the front step, he went back in the house and into his room. The radio was still on, and he started grabbing things off of the shelves on the wall. These shelves had become cluttered beyond belief with how busy he'd been... and how depressed he'd been.
After a few minutes, Sinéad O'Conner's cover of Nothing Compares 2 U started playing on the radio. Chris turned it off, yanking the power cord from the wall and tossing the radio into a nearby box. Not only had that song been playing on the little motel tv after he'd found out about Andy's overdose, but it made him think of Sydney. He already couldn't get her off his mind... there was no need for extra reminders that she was gone. He never got a break from thinking about her, and about Andy. At least with Andy he'd gotten some sort of closure. Sydney had essentially disappeared. The only goodbye she had provided anyone was a typed out and much too formal letter sent to Susan's office.
That day Susan had called him to ask if he had heard from her still replayed in his head constantly. He hadn't believed it, having only talked to her four days before. The last thing she had said to him was that she loved him and she would see him soon. In four days time, how could so much have changed? The week that she had spent at his house had really meant something to him. It wasn't romantic, or sexual... but it had meant something. How had he misread things so badly to not even realize that she wanted to leave? Sure... she had been tired and stressed, doing her best to hide it while on tour. Yet he thought for sure she would have come to him if she wasn't happy.
Her letter said that the pressures of touring so often weren't compatible with the goals she had for her future. Whenever Sydney had talked with Chris about the future, she had always made it seem like that future included him in it still somehow.
Susan had been almost as shocked as Chris that she had left. Sydney had always seemed so sure of how badly she wanted to see Soundgarden be happy and successful. Kim and Matt were both upset as well. She was like a sister to them, and they had grown to trust her and be at home in her company. She was the one who made sure they went on stage every night and didn't have to worry about a damn thing except doing what they loved. She was Kim's video game partner and the only one who wouldn't back down from a lengthy debate about literally anything. Matt and her were secretly notorious for hustling the others when they played poker, one of them almost always winning the pot of whatever snacks and random items had been tossed in. Sydney had the best poker face he'd ever seen.
Finishing the shelves, though they needed a good dusting, he moved over to his nightstand and pulled open the drawer. After a quick rifle through it's contents, he pulled out the disposable camera he had taken on their last tour through Europe. He remembered the photos he had taken... and one photo in particular.
He rose to his feet, finding his keys and his wallet and climbed in to his truck with Bill. He drove to the nearest drugstore and dropped the camera off, taking a very long walk with his dog before returning a few hours later to see if it was finished being developed. When the lady handed him the white envelope with his name on it, he couldn't even speak to thank her. He walked silently back to his car and sat there with it in his hands for a moment, trying to steady his racing heart. Flipping the envelope open, he swapped through the few pictures he had taken. It didn't take long to find the one he was looking for.
Pulling out the photograph, he let the rest fall onto the passenger seat. There she was. Her hair was a chorus of golden blonde hues, illuminated by the sun shining through stained glass windows high above her head. Her face was tilted up toward them, gazing at her surroundings with a glint of wonder in her eyes.
He missed her so bad that it hurt. His insides ached, sharp and hot. It was so overwhelming at times that he couldn't breathe, and he felt himself careening fast toward that precipice. A tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped at it, sniffing and shaking his head. It still didn't make sense how she could leave without telling him goodbye. Was it his fault? He knew that he drove her crazy sometimes, and sometimes he wasn't the easiest person to tolerate... but he really thought that he meant more to her than that.
"Guess I was wrong." Chris muttered to Bill, who laid his head on his shoulder.
***
"Do you like it?" Adam asked, sipping his whiskey and relaxing back into his chair.
Sydney didn't answer, looking out at the sinking sun behind the pink waves. The truth was that the apartment was beautiful. It was small but it was clean, bright, with massive windows and a little deck with an amazing view. It did indeed have a bedroom with an ocean view as well, and that is where Sydney spent most of her time with the shades drawn. In the morning before the sun was up she had taken to running on the beach. It was the only thing she had found that temporarily absorbed some of the grief and pain that filled her heart.
In the evening she would get up again to have dinner with Adam, listening absently as he talked about his day and how displeased he was with whatever she had managed to whip up for dinner. She found a few staple foods that she thought that she was slowly improving on, but Adam didn't agree. He often took her out on the town, showing her the most lavish restaurants and bars so that he wouldn't have to eat what she made.
He had bought her a ton of new clothes that she had no desire and no idea how to wear. Every night that they went out, he dressed her up however he wanted in order to show her off to anyone else they may run into while out. Sometimes they ran into his classmates or coworkers, and Adam was always quick to do all the talking while parading her around like some sort of living trophy.
In fact, if Sydney spoke too much at all he never hesitated to let her know how stupid she sounded to these highly educated individuals. She felt so out of place that she wished she would simply disappear. Adam had taken everything she loved away from her, and now there was nothing left.
"Doll?" Adam called, causing her to look up at him. "I asked you a question."
"Oh... yeah. It's beautiful." She lied, offering him a hollow smile.
"I knew you'd like it. I've been thinking about transferring down here ever since you told me that you grew up on the ocean."
Sydney smiled again, reaching out and taking his hand. It nearly sickened her to play along with this stupid game that she'd been roped in to... but it sure as hell was better than the alternative. The truth was that if he'd known anything about her at all, he would have known that the ocean is the last place she wanted to live. The reality of living in a beach town was so much less glamorous than most people think. The scenery is largely uninteresting, the same vast expanses of sand, water and sky. In the off season nothing fun is open, and during the summer months it's so damn crowded that you can't even enjoy those things when they do open. Seagulls thought they owned the place, screaming raucously at anyone who looked at them the wrong way. Sure, there was a certain beauty and terror that the ocean held that she would hold in her heart forever... but she had grown out of beach life. She was ready to cross oceans and climb mountains and find her way through forests.
Yet, she was stuck here. She was stuck in the same boring landscape with a man she hated with every fiber of her being. She had none of her own money, as he had taken it all. She didn't have a vehicle, she didn't have any friends down here. So many times while Adam had been at work or at school she had picked up the phone, intending to call Chris, or Liz, or even Susan. But as she sat listening to the dial tone, trying to pluck up the courage to punch in their digits, she remembered all the things that Adam had threatened to do to them and how many connections he had that couldn't be matched. He was in control now.
The only things he hadn't taken from her were kept secret. She had them on her person almost all of the time, or hidden away somewhere she knew that he would never find them. She'd found the demo tape of Louder than Love that Chris had made for her in her backpack that she had taken on their last tour, along with the pages of Andy's music notes that Xana had let her keep. Although she hadn't been able to bring herself to listen to it again, or read the words Andy had written, she found comfort in knowing that a small piece of them were still with her.
***
April 4th, 1990
Chris surveyed each piece of equipment through his foggy brain as it got loaded on to the European tour bus that was waiting for them. Susan had found a temporary tech to replace Sydney, and that alone was enough for Chris not to like the guy. He simply wasn't Sydney. Nobody would ever replace her... not as their tech and not as anything else either.
Susan was watching the whole ordeal with mixed emotions. Part of her wanted to scold Chris for his aggravation with the new member of their team, yet another part of her understood. He was grieving, and even she knew that Sydney was the best of the best when it came to their equipment. She knew exactly what wires needed to be crossed in order to produce the sound that the guys wanted from their gear, and that was something that took time and experience to understand. Time and experience that Sydney had.
As much as she had hated to see it happen at first, she could tell how much Chris cared for Sydney and how bad it had hurt him when she left. Especially the manner in which she had left. Susan was seeing a side of Chris now that he hadn't ever displayed before. He drank all the time, he smoked pot all the time. She suspected he had started using pills as well, but he denied it.
The guys were doing their best to help him keep his shit together, but they were all hurting too. They had all lost two people that they loved as well and it all just felt like shit.
"You sure it's all there?" Chris asked, and Roger the new tech nodded.
"According to this list you gave me, I'm pretty sure I've got it all packed in there right."
"Pretty sure? So you're not actually sure?" Chris snapped.
"Okay, that's enough. You, on the bus and leave the poor kid alone. The rest of you help him get this stuff loaded so you guys can get on the road. You have a show tomorrow night, let's get our heads where they're supposed to be." Susan called out, taking control of the situation that seemed to be disintegrating fast.
Chris did as he was told, disappearing inside the bus. Susan and the guys got the storage bays loaded, and the guys did a double check on the equipment using Sydney's list and direction from Gunny. Gunny was the one who had worked the closest with Sydney on the technical side of things. While they were preoccupied doing that, Susan boarded the bus as well looking for Chris. She found him in the sleeping section, sitting at the edge of one of the bunks and looking down at something in his hands. He tried to hide it when she entered, but it was too late. Holding her hand out for whatever it was, she hadn't expected him to hold out a photograph.
Looking down at it she sighed, sitting next to her ex on the uncomfortable ledge. They both stared down at the photo of the little blonde girl, surrounded by golden light and looking like an angel beneath the stained glass windows of the European church.
"She is beautiful." Susan said honestly.
"Yeah. She is." He muttered.
"I'm sorry she left."
Chris looked her in the eye, seeing nothing but sincerity there. Susan was a good woman. Smart, kind, driven. Her words cut deep, reminding him that she left him. Reminding him that he had been too slow. What if he had broken up with Sue sooner, and told Sydney how he really felt? What if he had offered to drive her home right then and there at that Halloween party instead of just taking her keys? Maybe she wouldn't have met Adam. Maybe she would still be here.
"I know you're hurting right now, probably more than I'll ever understand. You have a lot of people here still who care about you, Chris. You have a job to do, and even though it may seem like the last thing you want to do right now just remember that for a long time this was all you ever wanted. Don't throw it away now."
"The fuck does it even matter anyways? Does any of this even mean anything? I don't know why I'm here. This feels stupid."
"You're here because you have a passion for something, and you're good at it. You're just hurting, and I'm so, so sorry for all you've lost. But can we make a deal?"
"What deal?"
"You give your best to this tour, and while you're there I'll head home and do everything I can to find her."
"Find her? You would do that?"
"Yes. I don't know about you, but it doesn't make sense to me that she just up and left like that. I'd like to make sure she's okay, ask her what happened."
"You're superwoman, you know?" Chris stated, a faint trace of a small smile on his lips.
"Not really. Women just really are the superior sex."
His smile grew bigger for a moment, until his eyes traveled back down to the picture in her hands. She handed it back to him, and his heart seared again. Each fresh memory of her was like a knife to his chest. He missed her so much.
"I hope you find her." He whispered at last.
"I will try my hardest."
***
April 16th, 1990
Sydney startled awake in the middle of the night, feeling weight on her body. She jumped up, heart racing as she took in her dark surroundings.
"Shh, doll. It's just me."
"Adam? What time is it?"
"It's late. It's really late. I'm sorry."
Sydney went to turn on the lamp by the bed but Adam stopped her, pulling her close. She could smell the booze on his breath. What surprised her though, was that he wasn't trying to get her to have sex. Usually that was the case when he woke her up this late.
"What's wrong, Adam?"
"Just... rough day is all."
It must have been. He wasn't acting at all himself. This put her instantly on edge, mostly because she wasn't sure what to expect.
"What happened?" She asked gently after a moment.
"I lost a patient today. A kid."
"Oh, no. I'm so sorry." She meant it.
"He was only fifteen. He got hit by a car. I had to tell his parents-"
His voice broke as he dissolved into tears in her arms. Bewildered by this behavior, she held him. She pulled him close, speaking soft words of comfort in his ear as he wept. It was refreshing to see this side of him... refreshing to realize that he was human after all. They lay like that for a long time, Adam despairing while Sydney comforted him. It was a strange place for her. She hated Adam... yet she couldn't help but to feel bad for him. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to have been through that.
"I'm sorry, Sydney. I'm sorry for everything. I promise I'll start doing better by you. I want you to feel safe with me. I want our kids to feel safe with me. I just got so angry back home. I really feel like this is a fresh start, you know? Just you and me, starting our future right now. Nobody can touch us out here."
There it was. His mention of their hypothetical children made the fear return to her heart in a paralyzing way. She refused to have children that would grow up and think that love was supposed to hurt. Too many parents had raised their children with that example. Her own parents, Adam's parents, Chris's parents, Andy's parents... but not her. Sydney would die before allowing herself to become one of those parents. In fact, dying seemed a lot more realistic to her now than parenthood ever had.
"Oh god, Sydney. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through."
He was wailing now, and Sydney was alarmed. She had never seen him like this.
"Shh, Adam it's okay."
"No, it's not okay. You deserve better."
"I'm fine. I promise I'm fine." That was a lie. "It's okay. It's all going to be okay. This will get better, I promise."
Adam looked up at her, vulnerability worn like a mask on his handsome face. She didn't know what to do. The decency inside of her was struggling with the woman he had beaten and battered. Much to her dismay, the decency was winning tonight.
"I don't deserve you, doll. But I'll do whatever it takes to be the man you deserve. Marry me."
Sydney froze. It wasn't a question, so she couldn't formulate an answer. She knew that if she allowed herself to say no, like every part of her brain was screaming now, he might hurt her again. There was no telling what he would do in this strange state of mind he was in.
"It's late. Let's talk tomorrow." She tried.
"No." He said firmly, sitting up and grabbing her hands. "I want you, doll. Ever since that first moment I laid eyes on you I knew I had to have you. Marry me, and you can have everything you've ever wanted."
"Adam, this is all so sudden... I don't think-"
"Quit thinking, okay? Just say that you'll marry me."
He brought out a ring from his pocket, and she gasped. It was large, and beautiful. It looked like it would fit her perfectly, and Sydney hated it. The first thing that popped into her head was how bad it would get in the way when she was working on the guy's equipment. Then she remembered that she didn't work for them anymore. She was here, at yet another lonely beach town, with a man she hated.
"It's a big decision. Can we sleep on it? Ask me again tomorrow."
It bought her a little time. Not much, but a little. Tomorrow, she had to figure a way out of this mess. Tomorrow, she had to find a way back home. Her whole life depended on it.
***
"Here's the deal. I can let them know that you're asking after them, but I can't guarantee a response. They made it very clear that they wanted to cut all ties with Seattle. Make a clean start somewhere new."
Susan sat opposite of Adam's father with her hands folded politely in her lap. It was taking everything within her not to lash out at this infuriating man, but she knew how that behavior would play out. He would label her as emotional, and unreasonable. Susan was neither one of those things. She was smart, methodical. Most of all, she knew that something wasn't quite right here and she wanted to get to the bottom of it.
"I have nothing but respect for their privacy. All I need is an official forwarding address to send Sydney her last paycheck. I have no interest in disrupting their new life in California."
Susan had made a wild assumption based off of a Los Angeles postcard that was pinned to a bulletin board behind his head. She didn't have any way of knowing who it was from, but she hoped that her guess had been accurate enough to throw him off guard.
"I'll mention that to him. Although, I'm sure they won't need it. They seem to be affording their apartment in Santa Monica just fine, and beach views are not cheap."
Susan had to work hard to keep the satisfied smile off of her face. Adam's police chief father had been snared right in to her trap.
"Well, I appreciate your time, Chief Jacobsen." She stated, rising from her seat and offering a hand.
He stood as well, shaking her hand firmly. She made her way out of his office and back across town to her own. As soon as she got there she was on the phone. She called venues down south until she found one with an opening. Then she made a call to Peter, Chris's brother. She managed his and their two sisters' band, Inflatable Soule, and she'd had an idea. It was a long shot, but it was something.
"Hey. So I just got a gig offer for you guys. It's down in Santa Monica."