28. Morning
CLAIR JORDAN
I woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs sizzling in the kitchen. The scent was heavenly, and I was tempted to follow it out of bed. I actually would have if something hadn't held me to keep me from leaving. It was an arm, and it had a firm lock on me. At first, I was confused, then embarrassed. Kenai was making it very hard to get over my feelings him. I debated whether or not I should move his arm or leave it be. He was snuggled up right behind me, breathing slowly and consistently, deep in sleep. I couldn't turn around to see him, but I wouldn't even if I could. His face was buried in my hair, and turning would bring me way too close. It was weird knowing that my guardian had a girlfriend, yet still wrapped his arm around me in his sleep as if his girlfriend were me. I hated the fact that I wasn't, but at least for now, I could enjoy feeling like I was. At least for now, I could feel his arm around me like this. I closed my eyes, snuggling the tiniest bit closer, relishing the warmth.
I thought back to yesterday, my mood automatically plummeting. I felt so awful for the way I had acted towards Kenai. I had gotten so jealous that we were having a moment but we couldn't do anything about it. He would do things all day that made it feel like he really had feelings for me, but I'd always have to remind myself that it wasn't going to happen because of her.
For some reason, he didn't seem to want to talk to Kate this whole trip, or even about her. He'd become irritated whenever she would be brought up. Were they fighting already? Regardless, I still treated him horribly due to my jealousy. He had come all the way to the airport to find me on a moment's notice, paid over $3,000 dollars just to follow me to New York, gotten into major trouble with his parents, all for me, and I had treated him like that. I'm afraid that I could drive him away if I don't get my act together. I should be happy that he had his memories back, but I was treating him like the scum of the earth. I was a horrible friend.
New York hadn't done much to help me be kinder. The closer we got to New York, the more stressed out I had become, and the more I began to panic. When we landed in Washington, I had to excuse myself so I could try to calm down in the bathroom. I ended up bursting into tears over everything: over the trial, over my mom, over the way I had acted and my frustration that I couldn't be with the one I loved. I was trying so hard to keep all of my pieces tightly together so I wouldn't break down. Of course, it didn't work. Maybe I was just weak. Thankfully, Kenai was there to comfort me, but even with my guardian with me, all of the pressure was really starting to suffocate me. I think it was the reason why I had a nightmare last night.
I don't remember exactly where I was, but I knew that it was somewhere in Manhattan. It was dark, and I was walking by myself. Someone was following me, and I was running down street after street trying to get away. I remember thinking that it was my mother's killer. I remember running down a dead-end alleyway. Just when the killer was getting closer, I saw a raven land on a fence not too far away from me. I knew it was Takeena, and I asked her to help me, but she just stared at me. I kept asking, begging, but she just stood there. Then, she told me something that terrified me. "Why should I help you when you deceived me?" Just as I was about to be killed, it was all gone. I don't know what, but something had suddenly made everything go away. Takeena and the killer had disappeared, and dark Manhattan had changed to beautiful Alaska. I was by the waterfall again, lying on the floor, just looking up at the trees. Someone had told me that everything would be okay.
Takeena showing up in my dreams terrified me. Was she really angry that Kenai's memories had returned? Or was all of the pressure just reaching my head? Something didn't feel right. I felt her presence here. Not just in Liz's living room, but in all of Manhattan. All of New York. I felt her here, and it scared me.
Kenai stirred just then, removing his arm from around me and rolling onto his back. My heart fell the slightest bit, but I decided to take this opportunity to get out of bed. I grabbed my bag of luggage and headed towards the restroom, brushing my teeth and getting dressed for the day. I looked at myself in the mirror as I brushed through the tangled mess that was my hair and began to wonder: Why did I come to New York so soon?
The trial wasn't until Wednesday, I could have easily arrived Tuesday night and have been on my way back to Alaska within 24 hours if I really didn't want to be here. Yes, there was no doubt that I preferred the naturalistic beauty of Butte to the clutter and business of Manhattan, but this was still my hometown. This is where I grew up. This is where my mother was buried. Maybe the reason why I was so scared to come back was because I was trying to get away from my past. Better yet, I was trying to get away from my mother's death.
I didn't have a bad childhood or a bad life, I was actually very happy to be living here with my mother, even if I didn't have a father around. After losing her, Manhattan looked disgusting to me. She was the biggest part of my life, the only parent I had ever known. I didn't realize that she had cast such a bright light on the world around me. I guess I was afraid of what my world would look like without her now, without that light. Maybe I just wanted to preserve Manhattan the way it was when I was growing up, when she was still around. Maybe I just wanted something to remain untouched after entering a sea of changes. My whole world had turned into something completely different after she died; my home changed from an urban city to a rural town, and a whole state full of unfamiliar faces to go with it. I think I just wanted one thing to stay the same.
Putting the brush down, I came to a decision. I wanted to see Manhattan for what it really was, not just a fond memory of my time with my mother. I didn't want to run away from her death anymore. I want to be able to see it again and not have fear grabbing at my throat. I want to make new memories here so that I won't be afraid anymore. I want to make them with Kenai. Maybe I'll be able to come back again for another visit someday.
It was late July, and Manhattan was generally hotter than the rest of New York during the summer months, so I decided on wearing a sage green tank with brown shorts. It feels like it's been years since I've worn shorts. In Alaska, it seems like you can only measure temperatures in degrees of cold. So July in Butte was "not quite as cold" as December. Of course, this is only an exaggerated joke, but with 70 degrees being the hottest temperature of the year, you don't necessarily need shorts in Alaska.
After tying my hair into a messy braid and tossing it in front of my shoulder, I walked outside into the hallway, carrying my luggage right behind me. I looked to my right and towards the kitchen, hoping to find the one who was making breakfast. Quickly taking the luggage back into the living room, I hurried towards the heavenly smell. As I walked in, I saw Elizabeth's mother cooking. "Good morning, Mrs. Matthews," I said cheerfully, going over and greeting her with a hug. "Clairina! Oh, it's so good to see you again, sweetie. Have a seat."
Mrs. Matthews was already dressed in a pantsuit and ready for work. As I took a seat at the table, her husband comes out dressed in a suit as well. They were both criminal defense lawyers working for the same firm. They gave each other a quick peck before Mr. Matthews sat down at the table. "Morning, Clair. Long time no see," he said with a smile, stuffing toast into his mouth. "Good morning. Thank you so much for letting me stay, I never got to see you last night."
"Oh, it's fine, don't worry about it." Mrs. Matthews answered. "What do you plan on doing today? The trial isn't for a couple of days, isn't it?"
"I was thinking about walking around Manhattan for a while, just to see the place again."
"Sounds like fun. Are you going to visit Andrew Sully today?"
It took me a minute to understand what she was asking. Even after I made the connection, I was still beyond confused. "Andrew Sully? How did you know about Andrew Sully?" Mr. Matthews made a sound, indicating that he had something to say, even though his mouth was still stuffed with toast. "One of the lawyers at our firm is taking his case. When we recognized the name of the victim, we looked a little more into it. We didn't want to take it, though. It may be our jobs, but I wouldn't want to defend the man who killed Erika."
"Mr. Sully is staying in the Metropolitan Correctional Center if you want to go visit him," his wife adds.
"Visit him? Why on Earth would I want to visit him?"
"I can understand that you have... strong feelings towards him, but it may give you some closure that you didn't know you needed."
I gave Mr. Matthews a strange look. "I don't need closure. I need to see that man put away for what he's done."
"I know you say that now, but trust me, you'll feel a lot better if you get some sort of answer or confrontation rather than leaving questions and what ifs to consume you for the rest of your life. I speak from experience."
I stayed quiet. He knew that I didn't quite understand what he meant. Andrew Sully, I didn't want to see that man. I don't think I'd be able to handle seeing my mother's killer face to face like that.
"When I was young, my mother left my siblings and I so that she could run off with some other man," he started. "I always wondered why she left, and whether or not she loved us. It had always bothered me, and I grew to hate her. A few years back, I get a call from a hospital saying that she had terminal cancer, and she wanted to see me before she died. Well, because I was so angry about what she had done, I didn't go. She died, and I never got to see her. Now, I look back and hate myself for not going to see her. Now I'm left with all these questions that I'll never get an answer to. What I'm trying to say is, get some things off your chest before they start eating at you."
I let his words sink in. I felt honored, humbled even, that he would share something like that with me, especially since he didn't know me well. "I'll have to think about it... Maybe..." Just then, Elizabeth stumbled into the room in her white and grey pajamas, still in a daze from sleep. "Mornin'," she mumbled. "Morning," I said, raising an eyebrow at her, an amused grin on my face. "I thought you said you'd make breakfast?" I asked her. Her eyes widened a bit. "Well, yeah. I mean, I guess. If you really want me to." Her parents and I laughed. "Shut up and sit down," her mother told her with a smile. "There's another one, isn't there? Clair, go get him so he can eat."
I nodded, getting up from my seat and walking into the living room. Kenai was sprawled out on the pull-out mattress, still fast asleep. His clothes were wrinkled, since he wasn't able to change into pajamas. I bent over slightly, my eyebrows raised in question at his laziness. He had woken up once already, I can tell by how he had fixed himself to take up the whole bed. I debated how I should wake him up: I could flick his face, scare him, yell at him, sit on him, a plethora of things I could do. Just as I reached out my hand to pinch his nose, I paused. I felt my expression soften as I looked at his face. Sometimes I had to just let it sink in that this was my bear. This boy with the innocent face and mischievous eyes was my guardian. My heart ached the slightest bit as I continued to look at him. I gave him a kiss on the cheek last night, but he was practically asleep by then. He probably didn't even remember. What I wouldn't give to just be able to do it one more time.
"Hey," I said softly, deciding to gently shake him awake instead, "It's time to get up." He stirred a bit, but didn't wake up. I shook him again. "Kenai, wake up." His eyes slowly opened, focusing themselves on me. When he fully came to, he jumped a bit, eyes slightly widening and cheeks turning the slightest bit of red. "G-Good morning," He breathed, a smile on his face for some reason. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Breakfast is ready."
"Oh, great, I'm starving." I gave him a smile and started walking towards the kitchen. He quickly followed behind me, a cheerful grin on his face. "What's got you so happy?" I asked. He shrugged. "Good night's rest, I guess." He had gotten close to me, and I began to make a face. I waved my hand, beckoning him closer so that I could tell him something quietly. He seemed nervously excited for whatever I was going to say. "Kenai?" I whispered. "Yeah?" He whispered back.
"Go into my luggage bag, I have a bottle of mouthwash in there. You have morning breath."
He pulled away, his expression surprised and a little disappointed. "Oh... Okay then." He walked back to the living room and started going through my things, which I honestly didn't mind. Although, I felt a little bad for some reason. Maybe he was cheerful because we were together again? Because he remembered? He seemed to be getting discouraged by my casual attitude, but I don't know how I'm supposed to be acting. I mean, I'm acting the way that I did when he was still a bear. Was I doing something wrong?
I had gone back into the kitchen, only this time Liz had joined us at the table. I walked over and took a seat next to her. Kenai sat down next to me moments later, scooting a bit closer. Mrs. Matthews sat a plate down before me and another for Kenai. "Alright, you kids enjoy your breakfast. We have to head off to work now, so we'll see you later tonight. Have a nice day, behave yourselves." They both headed down the hall towards the door, but Mr. Matthews popped his head back in. "Remember what we said, Clair. Think about it."
With that, they left. I began to munch on a piece of bacon, thinking about what we had talked about regarding Andrew Sully. "Hey, guys," Liz said, still messing around with her eggs. I remember her not liking them much. "I have to work for a little while today, and I won't be back until maybe five in the afternoon. You guys can hang out here if you want, but if you go out, I don't have any spare keys to give you."
"Oh, that's fine. We have to pick up some shirt for Kenai anyway, we'll find something to do," I told her.
"Cool. I don't know if you'd want to hang out with the girls later tonight...? Since they haven't seen you in so long."
"Uh... I'll think about it, Liz. Honestly, I'd rather no one knew I was here. I don't really want them finding out the reason or anything..."
"Oh... That's fine, I understand. I kind of forgot about that..."
We stayed silent for a bit as we ate. Kenai didn't say a thing, he just quietly ate his breakfast, sparing some glances towards me. "When are you leaving?" I asked. "After breakfast, I just have to get ready. My shift starts at ten." I nodded. "Where do you work?" Kenai asked. "Uh, Forever 21. I mean, I shop there a lot, so it's nice getting a discount. Do you guys work?" He laughed, a little embarrassed. "Neither of us have looked for jobs. I mean, Clair helps out her dad at his store, so I guess that counts as a job. Me? Well, I'm just... to put it simply, spoiled and lazy." I chuckled, not expecting his response. I never pictured him as being spoiled. Then again, he has his own motorcycle and credit card. I guess his dad's job keeps him comfortable.
"Lucky you. Well, some of us have to do work to get money, so I should probably go get ready." Liz stood up and headed for her room, leaving me and Kenai to the rest of our eggs and bacon. "So I was thinking that we could go look at a few stores, buy you some clothes, and maybe we can go get lunch or something. We can make a day of it." He raised his eyebrows, surprised. "Really? You and me?"
"Well, yeah, duh. Who else?" He looked down at his plate, a little embarrassed. I laughed, lightly shoving him. "Relax. I want to show you where I grew up. The world is bigger than Alaska, you know." He smiled then, his eyes bright. "I'd really like to spend a day with you."