Five years.
That's how long this has been going on.
The feelings. The longing. The admiration. The secretive glances. And the love that she knows will never be returned.
Amanda Rollins taps idly at her keyboard as her gaze lifts from the laptop and focuses on the object of her affection through the glass barrier, brows furrowing when she takes note of the pinched, exhausted expression on her lieutenant's face. It takes her a moment to realize that a string of gibberish has appeared on her screen, mixing in with the details of their latest case, and she sheepishly lifts her fingers away from the keys for a second, before hurriedly pressing the backspace button.
Her leg bounces restlessly beneath the desk, the sole of her shoe scraping loudly back and forth across the floor until she sees Fin lift his head from his own work and fix her with a quizzical look, one eyebrow raised in question. Amanda sighs softly and ceases all movement except for the gnawing of her teeth on the inside of one cheek, wrestling with what to do next but not wanting to explain her tumultuous thoughts to Fin.
She could keep plowing steadily through this case work or actually get up and make her way over to her boss' domain, with the intention of offering a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on during this devastating, uncertain time. It has only been a month since the shooting death of their colleague, and the knowledge that Olivia still blames herself for what happened to Mike Dodds, despite not being at fault, has been destroying Amanda bit by bit over the past few weeks. She aches to provide both the physical and emotional comfort that she knows the older woman needs right now, but suddenly feels glued to her chair, uncharacteristically indecisive and timid in this unfamiliar situation, and feeling very much out of her depth.
This is new territory for her, never having lost someone on her squad before, and she is unsure exactly how to proceed from here; wondering if her tentative, clumsy attempts at comfort would even be welcomed by Olivia. Amanda's gut is telling her it is pretty unlikely that Olivia would appreciate any effort that she puts forth in this situation, and that her offer of a shoulder to cry on might even be mistaken for intrusion into a private matter. She knows she should probably just forget about it and continue on with her work, but her eyes remain fixed on the forlorn figure in the next room as she lets out a wistful sigh, unable to let it go.
"Hey, Rollins."
Amanda jumps at the sound of the deep male voice beside her, prickling at the sudden presence of Ed Tucker in the squad room, and nodding stiffly in response before he says hello to Fin and Carisi. Her frown deepens as she watches him give a brief knock on Olivia's office door before swinging it open and striding inside, a pang in her chest when she sees the brunette's face light up at the sight of the man she is dating, the stress and fatigue falling away like they had never existed.
"What's he doing here in the middle of the day?" Fin grumbles in a distracted tone as he shuffles through a mountain of unorganized papers on this desk.
"He's obviously here to see the lieu," Carisi answers with a touch of admonishment. "I think it's great that he came to see her. She seems like she's having a tough day. And she really needs someone right now. She hasn't been the same since...well...you know."
There is now a sharp pain residing in the middle of her chest as Amanda realizes that she is too late to impart the comfort she has been so desperate to provide, her lower lip quivering slightly as Olivia and Tucker embrace. It occurs to her that this excruciating moment is playing out like the last several years of her life when it comes to her feelings for Olivia; waiting too long; standing on the sidelines; hovering in the shadows; too scared to make a move; secretly hoping the other woman would initiate something between them so she didn't have to be the one to take the first step.
She wants nothing more than to burst into that office and wrench Olivia out of Tucker's arms and pull the older woman into her own instead, anger and jealously and sadness simmering low in her belly, and aching to be the one that Olivia leans on in her time of grief. Rather than being relieved that her boss is able to find comfort in another person and is not going through this tragedy alone, the mix of negative emotions only intensify, coiling into a hard, nauseating knot in the pit of her stomach.
Amanda bows her head in shame, imagining what a horrible person Olivia would think she was if the lieutenant could see into her mind and read her troubling, chaotic thoughts; if she knew the awful truth. She is mortified to admit this, even to herself, but she has been more upset about Olivia's personal life than her co-worker's untimely demise; devastated to walk in on Olivia sleeping against Tucker's shoulder in the hospital waiting room as they had awaited news on Dodds' condition.
After Jesse was born, Amanda was hopeful that Olivia would start to take more of an interest in her; that maybe they could get together outside of work with their kids or even one on one, and their professional relationship would finally begin to evolve into a more personal one. She had been holding onto this hope for the past several months, chastising herself over and over again for not being brave enough to suggest dinner or a movie or a playdate, but that hope had been dashed the moment she had caught a glimpse of the two of them in such an intimate position.
Amanda can count on one hand the number of times she has seen such an open display of vulnerability from Olivia over the past five years, and can't help wishing it had been her shoulder that the other woman had dozed on, Olivia feeling safe and comforted in her presence instead of Tucker's. She is horrified to find her eyes welling with tears as she thinks of all the opportunities she has let slip through her fingers, devastated that she hasn't been able to muster up her usual amount of courage and taken a chance on love.
Suddenly panicked at her own vulnerability that is now on display, Amanda lowers her head to conceal the tidal wave of emotion that is threatening to burst forth in a torrent of loud and messy sobs. She huddles into herself for a moment, shoulders hunched protectively near her ears and chin drooping toward her chest, heart thudding against her rib cage while her feet skitter in a nervous dance underneath her chair.
When she dares to raise her head again, Amanda's pounding heart nearly lurches to a complete stop when her eyes immediately lock with Olivia's through the glass. She looks away instantly, noticing Tucker exiting the office already and throwing a wave in their general direction, apparently only stopping by to quickly check up on his girlfriend before rushing off to wherever he needs to be next.
When Amanda takes the chance and glances at Olivia again, she sees the brunette motioning to her with a hurried gesture and a somewhat concerned expression on her face, dark eyebrows pulled together in a frown. She is filled with dread as she gets shakily to her feet and stands on trembling legs that threaten to collapse beneath her, worried that Olivia or Tucker have somehow discovered her inappropriate feelings.
Amanda's legs resemble two limp noodles as she drags herself toward the office, her dread only growing stronger with each apprehensive step, aware that Olivia's eyes are on her the whole time. When she reaches the door, she hesitates with her hand hovering over the knob, eventually gripping it with sweaty fingers but not opening it, terrified of what awaits her on the other side.
"Rollins, come in!" she hears Olivia call out, impatience evident in the older woman's voice, and Amanda gives an audible gulp before entering the room.
"Hey, Liv, what's up?" she asks in the most nonchalant tone she can manage, unable to stop her next words from tumbling out of her mouth. "Everything okay with Tucker?"
"Yeah, everything's fine," Olivia replies with what sounds like surprise. "He just stopped by to say a quick hello before his meeting. And to make sure we were still on for dinner tonight."
"Oh," Amanda mumbles in chagrin, unsure of what else to say and unable to keep her mind from conjuring up an image of Olivia and Tucker in a cozy, candlelight restaurant, hands clasped together intimately and heads bent low in hushed conversation, a bottle of expensive wine on the table.
"I actually called you in here to ask if you were okay."
"Huh?" The unwelcome image in Amanda's head immediately dissipates as she visibly startles at Olivia's response and stares at her boss in confusion. "What are you talking about? Why wouldn't I be okay?"
"I've just been noticing some things lately." The impatience has dropped away from Olivia's voice and is replaced with gentleness, Amanda's head tilting suspiciously as she recognizes the same tone that the lieutenant uses with the victims they encounter on a daily basis.
"What kind of things?" Her own tone is sharp and overly loud in the quiet of the office, and she watches as Olivia winces slightly before continuing.
"Well, just now, I noticed that you appeared to be blinking back tears at your desk," Olivia points out softly, Amanda taking a wary step backward when the other woman gets out of her chair and rounds the desk so they are standing face to face. "And I've noticed some other things over the past few weeks."
Amanda draws in a nervous breath at the slight pause in conversation, her heart galloping so fast inside her chest, she is fearful that the organ might actually burst right out from between her ribs, and then Olivia is speaking again.
"You haven't seemed like yourself lately, Amanda. You've been sad and withdrawn and practically silent whenever we're going over details of a case. I know that Mike's death has had a terrible impact on every single member of my squad and I want you to know that I see you and I'm here for whatever you need, okay? You're not alone in this."
Amanda nearly draws blood as she bites down hard on her lower lip, both in relief and disappointment, chastising herself for thinking this discussion could possibly be about anything other than her deceased colleague. The lump of emotion that suddenly swells inside her throat is almost enough to choke her, and she smothers a ragged cough with the palm of her hand, unsure of how she can live with this immense guilt.
It's not that she isn't just as devastated as the rest of her team about the brutal death of her co-worker; she thinks about him quite often and had cried herself to sleep the night he had died. She still misses him after all these weeks, but Olivia has remained the focus of her thoughts throughout this whole ordeal, both because of Amanda's intense feelings for her and the worry she has for Olivia's state of mind.
Her thoughts are in complete turmoil and she doesn't know what to say in return, other than muttering her thanks for Olivia's kindness and for taking notice of her suffering, even if the situation is not exactly what Olivia thinks it is. Amanda feels grateful for her boss' attention and compassion while she herself is going through hell, and guesses that her own crushing guilt is nowhere near the weight of Olivia's.
"I'm glad you have Tucker," she whispers suddenly, realizing that she actually means it; that this beautiful, selfless, tenderhearted woman standing in front of her deserves everything good in the world, even if Amanda will forever be on the periphery of her life instead of the person Olivia loves more than anyone besides her son. "We're all here for you too, Liv, but I'm glad you have him."
Olivia looks taken aback by this abrupt declaration before a corner of her lip quirks in what might pass for a smile and she is murmuring her own thanks. They gaze at each other for a moment without speaking, Amanda unable to read what resides in the depths of those soulful dark orbs, the room beginning to feel much too warm when Olivia doesn't break eye contact with her and they continue staring at one another.
"Do you love him?" Amanda finally whispers in a barely audible tone, aware that she shouldn't be asking her boss such a deeply personal question but needing confirmation on this particular aspect of her relationship with Tucker, no matter how much it will hurt.
She steels herself for the reply and feels her heart sink when she notices the soft smile that had touched Olivia's lips is widening into a grin. "Sorry, that was inappropriate of me to ask." Amanda changes her mind and rushes to fill the brief silence before Olivia can answer and shatter the remaining pieces of her heart. "It's none of my business."
"It's okay." Olivia is unexpectedly forthcoming, Amanda's breath catching in her throat as she watches the brunette's features briefly transform into that of a woman half her age; the happy glow emanating from her face rendering her much younger than she actually is. "Yes, I do love him. I've never felt like this before. And I wouldn't be getting through this without him. He's been my rock over the past month."
Olivia must have seen the tears that are swiftly gathering in Amanda's eyes again, likely mistaking her crushed expression for grief over Dodds, because she places her hands on Amanda's shoulders and gives her a comforting squeeze. "I know it's hard, but you're going to get through this too, Amanda."
She just nods in silence, her head hanging low once more, consumed with guilt and shame and feeling hollowed out with loneliness and the knowledge that she is not needed; vowing never to reveal the real reason for her anguish.
Amanda is stunned when she finds herself being pulled into a hug, her body suddenly flush against her superior's, and she is sinking into the embrace before she can stop herself, Olivia's strong arms urging her even closer. She allows her head to rest lightly on the taller woman's shoulder, marveling at how well they fit together as Olivia's sweet scent fills her nostrils, her heart aching with a loss she shouldn't be feeling right now; a loss that is different from everyone else's.
"How can you lose something that you never even had in the first place?" Amanda murmurs in bewilderment, wondering if this heavy cloak of despair that has been wrapped around her for so long will ever fall away.
"What did you say?" Olivia asks softly, Amanda shivering when she feels tender fingertips rubbing soothing circles across her back.
"Nothing," she whispers sadly, never wanting to let go as she tightens her hold on the woman she loves and tries to ignore the heartbreaking revelation that Olivia's embrace feels like home.