~
"What if I give my all and its still
not enough..."
~
*Trigger Warning* This chapter deals with topics that may be triggering for some readers. Please read at your own risk and if it's too much, don't read. Love y'all!
"Emma."
Where could he be?
"Emma..."
He's been gone for hours. Where is he?!
"Emma!"
"What!" I say, turning to glare at Austin.
"You need to stop pacing. It's not helping." Travis informs me.
"He could be anywhere Travis."
"Okay but this is Jake we're talking about. He probably just went to blow off some steam and turned his phone off."
"He had to know we would be-" I start, but get cut off by the front door opening. Jake comes down the hall, stopping when he sees all of us staring at him.
"What are y'all staring at?"
"Where have you been?!" I ask, throwing my hands up in the air.
"Last time I checked, it wasn't your job to track my every move. Back off." He says back, his voice hard. I can see the anger in his eyes.
"Why? You do it to me." I shoot back.
"Well, someone has to. You obviously can't do it yourself."
"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
"Last time you were left alone you found that collar that Mason gave you." He says, practically spitting out Mason's name.
"Excuse me? Since when is a necklace a collar?"
"Twins...." Austin says nervously, looking back and forth between us.
Ignoring him, Jake stays focused on me, completely ignoring my question."Not only did you find it, but you proceeded to have a whole breakdown over a guy who literally beat the crap out of you! Wake up Emma!"
"Wake up from what?!"
"The fact that you're mentally unstable and push everyone who cares about you away!" The second the words come out of his mouth, I physically take a step back and I see regret flash. However, it's gone as quick as it came.
"Jake, come on let's just--" Dwight starts but Jake cuts him off with a glare.
"I think you've helped enough today Dwight." Jake states lowly, causing Dwight to clench his jaw.
My anger intensifies at Jake's dig at Dwight.
"At least he stayed and didn't disappear for hours." I say, the tone of my voice matching Jake's.
"Because you--"
"I what?" I say, daring him to finish his sentence.
Jake sighs frustratedly, putting a hand up to his head. "Emma, I'm sick and tired of your crap."
"That makes two of us."
Jake and I have a stare down, both of us glaring at one another and daring the other to speak again.
He decides to dare. "You know, I wish you would pay more attention to the fact that just because you're hurting doesn't mean that we don't hurt too. Step out of Emma land long enough to realize that you're not the only one with problems."
I felt like I was slapped in the face. One of the main things that I didn't want was for my friends to feel that way. To feel like my problems were bigger than theirs.
"Is that what y'all feel as well?" I ask, turning around to face the gang.
I'm met with complete and utter silence. Sierra looks off to the side and Kara doesn't meet my eyes. Dwight gives me a pained look, the same with Travis, Austin and Chase.
"Em...we know you're trying. That's all that matters." Chase says, giving me a small smile.
"Apparently it's not enough, is it? At the end of the day, it's always about me and my problems right?"
"Emma-" Kara starts, but I cut her off.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I failed y'all. I never wanted to hurt y'all. I'm sorry that I can't be the friend I used to be. I just wish I could be better for you. I never wanted to hurt y'all..." I say, my voice breaking as I trail off.
All I want is to be the best I can be for them. The person I used to be. The girl that they all wanted to be friends with.
But that girl is long gone. And who knows if she'll ever come back.
I push past them, desperately needing to get away from them. Ignoring their calls after me, I walk up to my room before the dam breaks. They don't need another breakdown from me today. They've dealt with me enough.
'~'
I stare at the ceiling, feeling void of emotion. The only word to explain how I feel in this moment is numb. There's no tears, there's no anger, there's nothing. I'm just here.
I'm so tired. Not just physically exhausted, but mentally tired. I'm tired of the work it takes to keep living.
Nothing I do seems to be enough for the people around me. Where I think I'm succeeding, I'm failing. When I feel like I'm finally able to be there for my friends again, I'm not doing enough.
Why is nothing I do ever good enough?
My text tone going off pulls me from my thoughts and I turn over in my bed to grab my phone. It's Dwight, which doesn't surprise me.
After the whole thing with the group went down, I came up to my room and locked myself in here, not wanting to be a burden to anyone else.
My phone has been blowing up with messages from them, but I haven't been answering. Eventually most of them stopped, the gang most likely falling asleep, but Dwight hasn't stopped.
Dwight: Emma please just let me know you're okay.
I sigh, giving in and texting him back.
Me: I'm fine.
I close out of messages and check the time, seeing that it's currently two in the morning. I sigh, feeling the exhaustion hitting me again.
Turning back to lay on my back, I'm back to staring at the ceiling. I close my eyes, trying to sleep. But I can't seem to.
Sighing I turn back over, grabbing my phone and getting out of bed.
I throw on one of my discarded cardigans and quietly open my door to go downstairs. Passing the kitchen, I go to the backdoor leading to our pool.
There's something so peaceful about being outside at two a.m, the pool reflecting in the moonlight.
I take a seat in one of the lounge chairs that we have around the pool, leaning back to stare at the blanket of stars above me.
Hearing footsteps, I turn my head to look and see Jake emerging. I just turn my head away, really not wanting another argument with him today.
He clears his throat. "Uh sorry, I didn't think anyone would be out here."
I don't say anything, just continuing to look at the stars. I feel him take a seat next to me and sigh.
"So, is this how it's going to be between us now?" He asks.
"What more do you want from me Jake?" I ask, my voice coming out a little harsher than I intended it to.
"For us to get past this awkward situation."
An awkward situation you started?
I sigh, realizing this conversation is gonna happen whether I like it or not.
"I just don't understand why if you felt that way, you couldn't have just told me? Why did you have to do it in front of everyone?" I ask, keeping my eyes focused on the stars.
"I honestly don't know. I'm sorry." He says.
It's quiet for a few moments before I speak up again.
"So, is that really how everyone feels about me?" I start, feeling my heart in my throat again. "That I'm selfish, and don't care about anyone else's problems?"
"No! Em, we know you care about us. It just feels like sometimes you don't even seem to notice that we're struggling too."
It's kind of hard to notice something that everyone hides from me.
I don't say that out loud though, knowing that's not what this situation needs right now.
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to do that." I say, beginning to pick at my fingers.
"I know, it's okay." He tells me, and I just nod.
"While we're on the subject, do you really feel like I'm mentally unstable?" I ask, finally turning my head to meet his eyes.
Regret immediately flashes across his face, and this time it's him who's not looking at me.
"I'm so sorry that I said that to you. It was completely out of line. Especially from me..." he trails off, his voice breaking a little bit. He clears his throat before continuing.
"I know what you've been through...what he did to you, a--and it was a jackass move for me to say that to you. Once again, my anger always seems to get the best of me." He says, still looking away from me.
"Jake...look at me." I say, feeling some of my anger towards him melt away.
"I don't think that at all." He says, looking at me. "You're literally so strong to still be standing after what has happened to you, and I hate that I made you feel like you weren't."
"It's okay. Really, I'm fine." I tell him, mustering up the biggest fake smile I can to try and convince him.
I swing my legs over the side of the chair and walk over to him, pulling him up from the chair. He wraps his arms around me and hugs me tight.
"Are we good?" He asks, still hugging me.
"Of course."
I return his hug before pulling away and faking a yawn.
"I'm gonna head to bed." I tell him, and he nods before following me back into the house.
'~'
I stare in the mirror, and unlike the other times, I don't look away.
I see the shell of the girl I used to be. The girl that was worth something; the girl who used to be happy; the girl who wasn't stained with the betrayal of someone she loved; the girl that my friends loved.
Staring at my reflection, I see all of my flaws. I see the weight that I've gained. I see how my once bright, brown eyes are now dull and sad. I see the smile that used to be so real, now so fake.
Suddenly, rapid knocking interrupts my dangerous thoughts.
"Emma! You're not the only teenager in this house! Get out!" Caleb shouts from the other side of the door.
I swing the door open and I'm met with my younger brother. Placing my hands on my hips, we have a stare down.
"Shut up Caleb! Out of everyone in this house, I'm definitely not the one who takes the longest to get ready! Have you met yourself and Jake?" I say, sassily, pushing past him to go towards the stairs.
As I'm about to turn the corner, I hear him call me.
"Hey Emma?"
"Yeah?" I respond, turning around.
"Are you okay?"
No.
"I'm fine Caleb. You better hurry and get ready. Don't want you to be late for school!" I tell him with a smile. He only stares at me for a few seconds before going into the bathroom and shutting the door.
"Em?" Jake calls out as I walk down the stairs and towards the kitchen.
"Yeah?"
"I was worried you weren't gonna make it on time." He informs me as I get my glass of sweet tea and a blueberry muffin.
"Yeah, I accidentally turned my alarm off instead of snooze." I tell him.
That's not a total lie. I did turn my alarm off this morning, but it was on purpose. Finding the motivation to get out of bed was so difficult.
But I can't tell Jake that because I'm trying not to be selfish and so self absorbed. I just want to be there for everyone like they are for me. It's the least I can do, right?
"Well can you give me a ride to school today?" He asks, not looking up from his phone.
No.
"Uh sure. Why exactly?"
"I forgot to fill my gas tank up and Caleb is running late." He says, looking up at me again.
"Oh. Okay, sure." I say, turning around.
Normally I don't mind riding with Jake, but he's in his weird, overprotective stage right now.
Yesterday, when the gang came over and we talked everything out and made up, Jake was on edge making sure I was okay the entire afternoon. I could tell he was analyzing me and I hate it when he does that.
"Well are you ready to go?" I ask him.
He nods and I grab my keys and my bag before following him to the front door.
We walk out into the early September heat, heading towards my car. As soon as we get in, I put the air on full blast, cooling down my extremely hot car.
The ride to school is quiet, the only sound being the songs playing in the background. Luckily for me, Jake is invested in his phone and not in my silence.
We pull up to the school around fifteen minutes later, and I turn off the car, ready to face the day.
"Em?" Jake asks, causing me to turn and face him.
"You're okay right? You would tell me if you weren't?" He asks, searching my eyes for the answer.
No.
"Yeah, of course." I say, giving him a smile.
He nods and before he can say anything else, Dwight knocks on the window.
I take this time to get out of the car, grabbing my backpack.
"Good morning Em." Austin says to me, giving me a side hug.
I mutter a good morning before shrugging off his arm and turning towards the school, leaving them behind. I'm just not in the mood for people today. Fortunately, we were running kind of late this morning, so that can be my excuse.
I've always been the type of person to hide how I'm feeling and to push through the hard times and pretend everything is okay, and I hate that about myself.
But, after everything with Mason, I just couldn't hide it anymore. Everyone knew I wasn't okay, and they wouldn't stop treating me like damaged goods. Unfortunately, they still treat me this way and I'm so tired of feeling fragile in everyone's eyes.
So, I just try to hide it all and push those who care about me away because it's so much easier to do that rather than let everyone you love know how broken you are inside; how utterly worthless you feel.
I walk into English, slumping down in my seat and pulling out my phone. I love reading and writing, but English is the class I look forward to the least. It's something about having to do it for a grade that takes the fun out of it.
Dwight and Jake walk in a few minutes later, taking a seat in their spots. From my peripheral, I can see them give me a side glance and look at each other skeptically. Do they honestly think I don't see them?
"I can see y'all, you know that right?" I ask, turning and raising my eyebrows at them.
"We just want to make sure you're okay. You never blow us off in the mornings." Dwight says, giving me a pointed look.
"I didn't blow y'all off, the bell was about to ring and I didn't want to be late." I respond, shaking my head at them to play it off.
The bell rings before they can say anything, and I turn around as our teacher walks in, beginning class.
'~'
"I'm sorry, I can't make it to practice today. I have a massive migraine, and I wouldn't be able to give one hundred percent." I explain to Mrs. Wilson over the phone.
Another lie.
"Okay dear, I hope you feel better." She tells me, hanging up.
I put my phone in the cupholder, taking a minute to breathe before backing up and leaving. I don't really know where I'm driving to, I just know that I don't want to be near anyone. I don't wanna go home, and I don't wanna stay at school.
As if on cue, my stomach starts rumbling. Food sounds like a good idea, so I turn into the diner's parking lot.
Heading inside, I take a seat at the bar area and the waitress comes over almost immediately. I order and take a look around.
There's only two other people in here, an old man and a young woman who's on her laptop. Normally this particular diner is full of high school kids, but the majority of them are at practice or at home.
I pull out my phone as I wait, ignoring the messages from Kara asking where I am, and open Instagram. As I'm scrolling through my feed, I feel a presence next to me and as I look up, my heart practically stops.
"Hey Em." Mason says, taking a seat next to me and casually grabbing a menu.
I want to say something. I want to tell him to get away from me. But, all my mouth seems to do is fail me.
Turning away from him, I focus more on my phone as my heart beats against my chest like it's trying to escape. I don't even know what I'm scrolling past anymore, just anything to ignore him.
"What should I get Em?" He asks.
"As far away from me as possible." I suggest, still turned away from him.
"Wow, points for Em." He says, continuing to repeat 'Em'. Hearing my name continually fall from his lips makes me sick.
I don't say anything. Partly because he's pissing me off, but mostly because I feel like I'm about to puke. My anxiety is at a record high right now. He's too close and there's no one here to save me. Just like that night.
You don't need anyone.
"So this is what it's come to then? Ignoring me? That hurts Em." He taunts.
Don't listen to him Em. Ignore him.
Mason forcibly grabs my arm, turning me around to face him. It's easy to do since I'm on a swivel chair.
"What are you doing?! Let go of me!" I say, fear laced in between my words.
"It's rude to ignore people Em." He says lowly. The hair on the back of my neck stands at his sudden change of tone. His grip on my arm tightens.
There he is.
The part of him that no one sees.
He may put up a good facade at school, he may sweet talk and serenade all the girls around him. But at the end of the day, this is the real Mason Jones.
"Let go of me Mason!" I say, my voice wavering with fear.
He lets go, but leans in so close that I can smell the scent of his cologne, causing my heart to race. It smells just like that night.
"Don't think I've forgotten Em." He whispers in my ear, causing me to shudder. "You're going to get what you deserve. Just you wait."
What is he talking about?!
"You're the reason my mom can't look me in the eye. You're the reason my dad barely talks to me anymore, just casually pushing me to the side when I'm home. You're the reason my life has become hell and you will pay for that Emma."
With that said, he stands up to leave. I freeze completely as he leans over again, giving me a light kiss on the cheek.
"Bye Em." Mason smirks and turns away.
I try to tell myself that what just happened was a dream, but as I reach up and touch my cheek, I'm reminded of how real it all is.
I feel myself beginning to panic and before I know what I'm doing, I'm leaving the diner and getting in my car.
As I'm driving, I realize that my panic is just getting worse, so I pull over on the side of the road and open the door, walking around to the passenger side and sitting on the side of the road.
Pulling my legs up to my chest, I close my eyes as tears begin to fall out of them.
You're going to get what you deserve.
Just wait.
I begin to hyperventilate, feeling the panic continuing to rise.
You're the reason.
You will pay for that Emma.
Continuing to feel the air leave my lungs, I go to reach for my phone, but I stop.
If you call them, you're selfish.
My conscious basically yells at me. If I call them I'll be a burden.
I won't do that to them.
I can get through this myself.
I'm strong.
What feels like hours later, I feel myself beginning to get light headed, mostly from the hyperventilating. I honestly feel like I'm dying, my lungs are burning so bad.
Trying to calm myself down, I put my hand on my chest. I try to focus on my breathing, trying anything to pull myself out of this. I remember that I was told once to find something and focus on that one thing. I look over at a nearby tree and I see a squirrel.
I focus on the squirrel, and my breathing. What feels like another lifetime later, I feel myself beginning to breathe normally again.
See? You didn't need them.
I allow myself to sit for a few more minutes, just until my shaking has ceased, before I get up and walk towards the driver's side door again.
As soon as I get into the car, I reach for my water bottle, basically downing it to soothe my lungs.
I check my phone, seeing multiple missed calls from Jake and a bunch of messages from the group.
This is not going to go over well.
Before heading back home, I text Jake back letting him know I'm alive and okay.
But are you really okay Emma?
'~'
I lay on my bed, watching Friends in the background. My mind isn't really focused on it though, too busy dealing with the rest of my thoughts.
When I got home a few hours ago, my family pretty much interrogated me as to why I skipped practice and ignored their calls. I made up a good lie and I've been in my room ever since, not even going down for dinner.
I don't feel like doing anything. Ever since I woke up this morning, I've felt so numb. I've felt so broken.
What if there's no hope for me anymore? What if this is just my life from now on?
A knock on my door pulls me out of my thoughts, and I turn my head to see Dwight standing there.
"What?" I ask, turning my head away.
"Come for a ride with me?" He asks, walking over to where I am.
"Dwight, I'm really not in the mood." I tell him, looking back at my TV.
"Friends huh?" He states, nodding his head towards the TV as he sits at the edge of my bed.
"I guess." I tell him, my monotone voice sounding foreign to me.
"Em, you and I both know I'm not gonna let you sit here all alone. So it's either you get up and come with me, or you go downstairs with your family and Jake."
"Technically I'm not sitting, I'm lying down."
He doesn't look amused, giving me a small glare.
"Fine. You wanna do this the hard way then." He says, standing up.
I immediately know what he's gonna do, and I flip over to try and hold on to my bed. Unfortunately for me, Dwight is incredibly strong and picks me up with ease, throwing me over his shoulder.
"You know this isn't necessary right?" I say staring at the floor, losing my will to fight him anymore.
"It is when you're being stubborn." He grumbles, going down the stairs and passing my family, who don't even question him as he walks by.
Traitors.
Once we get outside, he opens the door of his truck before finally putting me down. Knowing I can't make a run for it back inside, I unwillingly get into the truck.
"We going to our spot?" I ask, even though I already know the answer.
He simply nods and starts his truck, pulling out of our driveway.
Dwight and I became really close at the beginning of last year, when everything happened. I seemed to push everyone close to me away, but he refused to give up.
One day, he practically dragged me with him to this beautiful place that became our spot.
It's in this really wooded area, with a road that's tunneled in by trees. Once it finally opens up, there's a gorgeous lake that's hidden off the side of the road.
Within about fifteen minutes, Dwight and I arrive. He parks his truck in the freshly cut grass, and we both get out, heading closer to the lake.
I sit next to him and feel myself relax a little more at the sight and sound of the lake.
"Do you remember the first time I showed you this? What I told you?" Dwight asks me quietly after a few minutes.
I nod, but don't say anything.
He told me that this is the place he went to almost every day after his parents got divorced, and how it really helped him to have a place to get away. His words to me were "this was my safe place, now it can be yours too."
It soon became our spot, and we're the only two people in the group who know about it.
"This is still that place Em. You can talk about anything here, and it'll always stay between us." He says.
I focus on the lake again, not wanting to talk. Dwight doesn't push me, staying silent as well, and I realize that he's waiting for me to be the first person to talk. To let him in on what's going on when I'm ready.
It's not selfish if he wants me to, right?
"I had a run in with Mason today." I say finally.
Dwight's head immediately snaps over to look at me.
"Define run in."
"I skipped practice today and went to the diner, and he came in and basically threatened me and kissed my cheek." I say, looking away from him.
I can feel Dwight's anger, but when he reaches out to put his fingers under my chin so that I'm looking at him, he's gentle.
"Are you okay?" He asks, searching my eyes for the truth.
I'm not sure what it was about that question, but as soon as he asked it the floodgates opened.
I shake my head, and he wraps an arm around me.
"Em, I hate this so much for you. I wish I could help you in some way." He says quietly.
I don't say anything, knowing that there's nothing he could say or do that can fix this.
"I just...I feel so broken Dwight...like I'm just living on a thin piece of thread that can break at any moment."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't want to deal with this again. I can't do it." I say, feeling so helpless and vulnerable. "I always knew it was going to hit the one year and I would have to relive it all. But I guess I just didn't realize how it was never going to really go away. To really stop hurting."
"Em...you know that we love and care about you right? And that we would give anything to make this better for you?"
"Of course I do Dwight. But that's the problem. Nothing is ever going to make it better. This is my life now. I have to see him every day! Not only did he take so much from me already, but he's still taking from me.
"I'm forced to watch him walk the halls, acting as if nothing ever happened. I have to deal with the anxiety and the fear every time I see him, but he gets to act like he never did anything wrong, that it's my fault. It's not fair! He ruined my life, why does he get to keep his perfect?"
"He's such an asshole Em. I wish so much that I could go back to that night and stop him for you. Beat the crap out of him and then you never would've had to deal with this."
"It's not your fault Dwight." I say quietly.
It's mine.
"You know I can tell you're pushing us away right?" Dwight asks me a few moments later. "We all can."
"It's just easier that way...I don't want to be the cause of more stress on y'all."
"Emma Kay Richardson! You are our best friend. We love you so much! We don't pretend to understand what you're going through or think that we can help, but we're here for you. No matter what."
"But it's not fair to ask you to do that, Dwight. Y'all didn't sign up for this when we became friends. Y'all didn't sign up for the broken and worthless person I am today."
"Emma, stop." He says, his voice hard. I breathe out a shaky sigh, keeping my eyes focused on the lake.
"You are not worthless." He says, staring me straight in the eyes. "You are worth more than you'll ever know, to all of us. And we did sign up for this. We don't get a choice in what happens to us in this world. Life sucks for all of us at one point, but we all get a choice in who we choose to help us through it."
"We chose to be your best friend Em, just like you chose us. We're always here for each other because that's what we do."
"You say that, but what about that conversation on Saturday? How do I know y'all aren't just feeling like that all of the time, and not telling me because you don't want to hurt me? It's happened before. I can't lean on y'all so much anymore. I have to be strong for myself."
"Being strong for yourself and leaning on others can happen at the same time. We can't just solely rely on ourselves, eventually we're gonna burn out. We're here for you Em, but you can't keep pushing us away. I would hate to see him do something to hurt you just because you're alone. Not only that, but we can't lose you again."
I tense up at that last part, knowing full well what he means.
"But what if I'm already too far gone?" I practically whisper.
"Then we'll catch you and bring you right back up."
"I can't do this Dwight..." I cry. He pulls me in close and I sob into his chest.
It all hurts so bad.
"You can't give up Em. I'm not gonna let you." He says firmly.
"I'm scared..." I admit through my tears.
"Scared of what?"
I take a moment to calm down before continuing.
"Of him...of failing y'all...of myself at this moment. I'm tired of living in fear constantly, yet nothing I do seems to fix it. There's so much uncertainty in my life, but the one thing I'm certain of is that death takes away my pain."
I hear Dwight take in a sharp breath, his arm tightening around me. "Em...don't say that."
"Why? It's true." I say, but my voice sounds foreign. It's so emotionless, like talking about this isn't affecting me at all.
"No it's not. All that would end up doing is leaving us in a world of hurt." He says, turning to look at me. "You keep talking about how you don't want to be selfish, but doing that is pretty damn selfish if you ask me. Why would you choose to leave us?"
His words cause me to stop for a second. No one has ever had the guts to say that to me before, only ever treating me as if I could break at any moment. But he's right. I can't choose to leave them. Not after everything they've done for me.
"You can't choose to die because I'm not gonna let you Emma. You can fight me all you want, but I care too much about you to just let you go."
Instead of saying anything back, tears well up in my eyes again, and in that moment, I break. My sobs overtake me, and I feel my emotions overwhelm me.
"Come here," He says softly, pulling me in close. He holds me tight while rocking me back and forth as I fall apart, and in some weird way I feel more secure. He's my rock.
"We love you Em..." he says softly.
"I love y'all too." I respond through my tears. "What should I do, Dwight?"
"Lean on us. We got you."
Nodding I close my eyes, letting his words soothe me.
We got you.
And, for the first time, I actually begin to believe it.
'~'
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