It was cold. Colder than I remembered. I didn't know if it was the winter or fear that chilled my blood more and the heavy furs upon my bed didn't keep me warm.
I was exhausted by another escape from the Snatchers, but there was no hope of sleep tonight. It wasn't our chamber that we slept in. Our new home was an old tent, expanded with magic inside. We were now in the middle of a frozen forest to the north, surrounded by all the possible protective spells we had. This constant escape and chase were difficult, especially with the twins, who had already begun to crawl and explore the world curiously.
After Dumbledore's death, everything around us seemed to fall apart piece by piece. They killed Moody shortly after that. On 1 August 1997, the Death Eaters seized control of the Ministry. Scrimgeour was murdered and Pius Thickness, whom Corban Yaxley had under the Imperius Curse, was installed as Voldemort's puppet Minister of Magic. Kingsley managed to warn us of the coup by sending his Patronus to the Burrow, where Bill and Fleur's reception was being held. Death Eaters stormed the wedding looking for Harry. Various of us were interrogated, but none were killed. In the meantime, Harry had vanished along with Hermione and Ron. Since then we had almost no news of him, what he was doing and where he was. We knew he was doing something that Dumbledore had given him before he died, but we had no idea what it was. He had flatly refused the help of Sirius and Remus. The fewer people knew, the better - that what he said.
While Voldemort controlled the Ministry, the Order members were fugitives. The Weasleys were kept under heavy surveillance, as they were known to associate with Harry. The Taboo curse was placed upon Voldemort's name since only enemies of the Dark Lord were willing to speak it aloud. This caused Kingsley and Sirius to nearly be captured after saying the name but they managed to fight off the Death Eaters that attacked them and went on the run.
Voldemort and the Death Eaters were not afraid of anything. They were pursued Muggles, Muggle-borns, and all with the suspicion that they had no magic blood. An informal organization of so-called Snatchers was set up, whose task was to arrest such people, but also all those who considered for traitors. Remus and I were just that - traitors, members of the Order of the Phoenix, prominent followers of Dumbledore's ideas, and defenders of Harry Potter.
The Order led the underground resistance, participating in the radio programme Potterwatch, which broadcast the truth while the Daily Prophet and other news outlets were controlled by the corrupted Ministry. The Order encouraged people to do as they were doing — protect innocent Muggles from being harmed for the amusement of Death Eaters, and Muggle-borns who were being persecuted by the Ministry's new Muggle-born Registration Commission. They also encouraged the wizarding community to stay strong and united, especially in such dark times. Fred, Remus, Sirius and Kingsley appeared in Potterwatch as correspondents.
A muffled sound pulled me back into the present and I gripped my wand. The twins slept quietly in their cribs, Remus had to be on watch somewhere outside. I couldn't stay in this tent.
I stepped lightly to the entrance and listened. All I heard was the pounding of my own heart. I gripped the wand tight when I went out in the freezing February cold. I peered into the dark not sure where was Remus. He had to be nearby. I surveyed my surroundings. The night was black as pitch save for the embers dying in the firepit and a sliver of moonlight sneaking through the bare branches. I could barely make out the figure leaning against a nearby tree.
"Rem?" I finally whispered. I didn't recognise my own voice. It was hoarse and dry. Fear, cold and sudden warmth seemed to pinch my vocal cords.
The figure didn't move. I silently stepped closer. In the murky light, I could see the man with his back to me. Remus was asleep. My heart sank. I was supposed to be on duty tonight, but he insisted. He was on duty almost every night, he was very tired the last few days, but he still wanted me and the children to rest. I had to wake him up to go to bed, not to suffer on this cold ground. I couldn't sleep anyway, I could at least let him rest this night.
I reached a bit to touch him, jostle him to wake. Just as I leaned over him, I stepped on a wig. Before I knew what had happened, Remus had me pinned down on the ground with the full weight of his body, eyes as lethal as the wand he held at my throat.
Remus's eyes softened as clarity came over him. The wand carefully moved away from my flesh as he loosened his grip.
"For Merlin sake, Ash" he breathed.
I finally released the breath I didn't know I was holding.
Remus lifted his head and met my eyes once again this time full of concern, "Did I hurt you?"
All I could do was numbly shake my head as words escaped me. Gentle fingers, not believing my answer, glided across my neck searching for any kind of physical wound he might have inflicted. Remus turned his attention to my body and sighed with relief, realizing he hadn't hurt me. He brought my wrist to his lips and pressed a feather-light kiss on my pulse point. It's was an apology.
"I'm sorry, I fell asleep. And I thought of you as an enemy."
"There is no need to apologize. You have to leave me on the watch. You can't protect us all the time, you can't physically endure."
Remus's expression was pained while his eyes were closed as if he were trying to command himself for something. He had not moved off me the entire time even though his weight had lessened. What amounted to only a few passing moments, felt like a lifetime to me. I was slightly aroused, despite the cold creeping up my back from the cold ground. Because of this constant escape in recent months, we had almost no time and energy for sex. We did not lack love and intimacy, but the thought of rough sex to the brink of exhaustion crept slightly into my thoughts.
I pushed myself up with my arm to sit as he was with his haunches resting on his calves. I almost smiled at the dishevelled man before me. His hair a mess and the robe wrinkled from sleep. I liked him this way, I decided. He had a certain vulnerability and boyishness at this moment.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and held myself against him.
He was solid. Not an ounce of extra padding on him. I could feel the heat of his body despite the cold night. I knew every taught muscle and a light tickle of hair on his chest but still, I wanted him again and again as if I saw him for the first time. I buried my nose into the crook of his neck and breathed in. Remus had a scent that was all his own. I liked that too.
After a time, I realised he hadn't moved and didn't touch me except where I was embracing him. His hands ghosted up my arms and placed them on my shoulders gently pushing me away from him. Still so close that I could feel his breath on my face, I opened my eyes to look at him. The air between us was charged and my heart raced. His dark eyes bore into mines in such a way that I couldn't look away. His hands were still holding my shoulders as he pulled me forward and I held my breath.
But as my eyes closed and felt a tingle of anticipation, the sensation of his lips pressing against my forehead was peculiar. When he pulled away, I opened my eyes and felt a huge disappointment.
The moment was gone. I sat confused at what didn't happen. Why did he withdraw from me every time I tried to deepen my kisses and caresses? I could see that he wanted me. Then why?
"What's going on, Rem? I know you're tired and exhausted. But we haven't had sex in months, and I feel like you're avoiding me. Every time I want to go deeper in our touches, you back off. What's wrong? Do you still want me?"
His face softened and he approached me. "Look at me, Ash." I met his gaze. "Never think that I do not want you. In fact, right now I imagine leaning you against this tree and fuck you hard to the brink of exhaustion." I swallowed slowly, imagining his words. "But I can't do it. I'm afraid that if I divert my attention from protecting you, something terrible will happen. Someone will attack or find us. I will never forgive myself if something happens to you while I am satisfying my own desires. At the moment, I curse myself for the time I was asleep."
That sounded damn stupid and real at the same time.
"Ethan and Hope have me too. I can take care of them and myself. Don't take the whole burden alone. We're in this together." Then I smiled slightly, trying to lift his spirits. "And I don't know how long you'll survive if you keep me without sex."
The corners of his lips twitched and his smile reached his eyes. Then he pulled me close.
"Maybe we should go to my father for a while. He'll help with the children, we'll make on the house Fidelius charm, so we won't have to have someone on watch all the time. At least temporarily take a break from all this chase. Then I promise to drag you somewhere..." He brushed slightly my ear with his lips. " ...and fuck you tirelessly for hours."
I smiled, snuggling in his chest.
***
Lyall's house had a lot of defences, although most were against the Muggles. We were able to further secure it by applying the Fidelius charm as Remus became the Secret keeper.
The Fidelius Charm was an extremely difficult, multifaceted and potent charm that can be used to conceal a secret inside an individual's soul. A dwelling whose location has been protected by this spell was then invisible, intangible, and soundproof. This was an extremely old spell, one of the most ancient of all.
Lyell was extremely happy to stay with him for a while. Despite Remus' worries that we were putting his father's life at risk while we were there, we all needed some time to catch our breath. And the twins adored their grandfather, who invented all sorts of merry and crazy spells to entertain them. They were almost a year old and making their first swaying steps.
Sometimes I stared into their clear eyes and wondered how I could keep their childhood innocence in a world that was falling apart around us.
They were growing so fast. I tried to memorize every moment with them, hoping never to forget the smallest details. The way how Hope moved like her knees were just hinges, wobbling to and fro before falling on her padded bottom. The way she clapped like it was all part of the plan and rolling to her stomach to get up again. The way she giggled, waving her arms to pick her up. Her scent of innocent, the colour of her black hair, the way she looked dressed in the primrose pinafore dress.
Ethan with his deep amber eyes he had inherited from his father. The way he looked at me with a childish charm made my heart beat faster. His favourite game - trying to see how many of his fingers he could wedge into my mouth. The way he giggled or held his little hands wide for a hug, his mittened hands looking so sweet and comical. He had these chubby cheeks, I'll never forget them, how they dimpled when he smiled.
I thank Remus every day. Because of him and because of the children. They were my family, they were my home.
The home was wherever they were. Bed down in a barn and that was our home. Sleep under the stars and our abode had no walls. Home, my lovely ones, was a state of mind and we were at home wherever we were together.
***
Remus had already lit a fire and the room was warm and comforting. He was sitting behind a desk near the fireplace, flipping through a book for defensive spells. We had been in his father's house for several days, and Remus stayed up late every night, searching for new and new ways to protect me and the twins.
I saw a fresh decanter of wine near him and was desperate for a drink. I rolled my eyes - probably that's how people become alcoholics - from lack of sex.
I got up and poured myself a glass and Remus looked up, his eyes sliding from the glass to my wine-moistened lips. Merlin, I missed his touch. I came around the desk and boldly sat on his thigh and began looking through the books.
"What are you searching so intently on? I don't think there is a more secure house all over England." I could feel his curious gaze as I pretended to be interested in his studies. When he didn't answer, I turned to look at him innocently.
"What's gotten into you?" He sounded roughly amused.
I smiled seductively, "You... and the promise you made me a few days ago" Remus huffed with a hint of laughter and I eyed him as I took a drink of wine, challenging him. You will not escape me tonight, Remus Lupin.
Remus flinched his eyes to my lips, then took the glass from my hand, and after taking a much-needed gulp, placed it as far from my reach as possible. "It's probably time you went to bed."
"Oh? Am I distracting you... Sir?" I inched closer up to his lap; I could smell wine on his breath.
"Yes," he drawled but his eyes were slowly darkening. I could feel the change ever so slightly in his breathing. I gazed at his lips with hunger.
"Hmm, then I probably shouldn't do this, should I?" I kissed him very softly trying to coax him to kiss me back. I opened my mouth a bit and teased the seam of his lips with my tongue and he couldn't resist anymore. When he opened his mouth in response, my tongue touched the tip of his and I was lost. I moaned into his mouth and he kissed me back. He tasted of mulled wine and a hint of chocolate. Dark, dark chocolate. I loved the way he kissed as his hand found the back of my head and tilted it to give him better access. How I missed all this.
I needed to get closer but my dress was a hindrance. I stood up, my mouth never leaving him, hitched up my skirts to straddle his lap before he could protest. Oh, I could feel he was hard through his pants and desire coursed through my veins.
I smiled against his lips. "Do you want to go back to your books?"
I felt more than heard a deep chuckle as I kissed down his throat. Remus pushed me back and his eyes were almost black. He smiled and lightly touched around my mouth with his index finger. "Unfortunately, I will have to leave them for a while to fulfil a promise."
I kissed his finger and boldly took the digit into my mouth not breaking his gaze. The look in his eyes was pure fascination as I lightly sucked and swirled my tongue around his finger all the way to the hilt. I held his hand in place and stared at him. His hardness was growing and I brazenly added pressure from my hips while sucking his finger.
Oh, I wanted him so badly right now and would not leave this room discontented. Not tonight.
I kissed him without abandon and forcefully rocked my hips against his cock causing him to moan into my open mouth. Oh, I missed hearing that sound from him. His hands came to my hips and stilled them. I found a pulse point under his jaw and suckled it, "You promised me to do me all night. But I'm not sure if you'll last that long? " I ground down hard on his cock that forced out a harsh breath from him making him clutch my hips so hard it almost hurt. My hand snaked under my skirts and found him.
He hissed and his eyes were wild with desire. I was breathing so hard; my mouth was dry as his head dipped to my chest. One of his hand unbuttoned my shirt and he leaned to taste my breast. My eyes rolled back at the lapping of his tongue around my perk nipple and moaned into his ear. As his mouth lavished attention, he pulled me upwards to give his hand more room to manoeuvre. I felt one of his fingers push inside me and I couldn't help but moan. It had been well over a month since I had him last and I knew I would come very quickly. I clenched his finger involuntarily and the sensation to him must have been that of pure pleasure for his voice cracked.
"Oh, Ash... I missed that."
I rose up on my knees, not realizing how much they were aching in this cramped position and kissed him while my feet found the floor again. I trailed kisses down his neck as my body lowered. I gently pushed his thighs apart and rested between them. He was breathing heavy and I could only stare at him slouched in front of me. The bulge in his pants was evident and only inches from my head. I ran my hands along his thighs slowly when the tips of my fingers skirted his cock, he flinched with a sharp intake of breath. I didn't touch him there, not yet. I leaned forward and lightly kissed down his abdomen reaching his navel. His muscles contracted and breathing increased. I glanced up and his eyes were black with lust watching my every move. Never breaking eye contact, I gently unbuttoned his pants releasing him.
I lightly stroked him with my hand. I heard him curse under his breath, and I wanted to hear him again. I found a slow rhythm thinking of how he felt inside me. Slow and controlled as my hand came to the tip and I kissed it. I looked up again and Remus's eyes were glazed and waiting. I was teasing him and I could tell he was getting frustrated. He needed friction. Finally, I took him into my mouth and this time he moaned my name. It was the sweetest sound. I set a slow rhythm again. I swirled my tongue around him all while keeping a firm grip with my hand. His breathing became harder as his fingers wound through my hair. His hips moved with the timing of my hand and I felt a slight pressure on my head. I moaned and the vibration lit him on fire. His hips were becoming more insistent, he needed something more. I lowered my mouth as far as I could and Remus groaned deeply. I worked on him a little harder and began sucking.
He hissed harshly, "Yes... that's it."
He gripped my hair a bit rougher and his breathing became shorter gasps. He was breaking underneath me and it was the most erotic thing to make someone come undone.
Right when I thought he would come, he quickly stopped me. Remus pulled my face to him and his roughly kissed me silencing my protest to finish what I started.
"You may have started this, but I'm going to finish it."
With that, he hauled me up and sat me on the desk. Remus hiked up my skirts and dipped his hand under my panties. I gasped knowing he would find me ready for him. He smiled wickedly and tore the fabric away and spreading my legs further apart. My eyes were wide at how quickly the tables were turned. He meant to take me right here on the desk. Remus grabbed my hips and roughly yanked my ass to the edge of the desk where I was fully pressed against him. He grinned roguishly as he rocked his hardness against my sex.
"Are you giving up?" He kissed me again and breathed into my waiting mouth.
Remus took my arms and brought them around his neck bringing me against his body. I moaned as his tongue danced with mines and I felt him hook his arms under my knees aggressively opening me up to him.
"I hope not. Because I'm just getting started."
Before the words left his mouth, he thrust all the way to the hilt. He kept me quiet with his mouth devouring mines. He was roughly pounding into me as if he could not get enough of me. The sweat on the back of his neck from the exertion and hearing him grunt with lust as he kissed me. I felt myself clenching him, and I knew I was close. I moaned his name and when his cock hit a certain angle I cried out.
"Shhh... we will wake up the whole house." he grinned without losing a beat.
I held on tighter and willed myself to be silent, but oh he was so good. I was going to come hard and I couldn't keep still. I buried my face into his neck and practically screamed biting into his skin. My walls clamped down hard on him and he hissed in my ear, "Oh gods yes, that's it... come for me." Hearing him say it made another wave crash into me and I could feel myself pulse around him again. "Oh fuck... " He drove into me again and again and then his whole body tensed and I felt him spill inside me.
I held him close as I came down. I tasted the saltiness of his skin and something else, something metallic. I pulled my mouth away and looked in dull horror. I bit him. I bit him hard enough to draw his blood. I felt him ease my shaking legs down to the desk and suddenly I was embarrassed. "I'm sorry," I mumbled.
Remus tilted my chin up and kissed me. His tongue touched the bottom of my lip tasting his own blood. He looked near his collarbone to survey the damage and chuckled to himself, "I daresay that's a scar I'm proud to have."
For the longest time, we rested naked on the sofa enjoying the warmth of the fireplace and each other. I opened my eyes when I felt him shift a bit. One of his hands were caressing my torso and one hand slowly drifted down as fingers find my clit. I gasped as his digits explored and my hips jerked back against him. I turned back to him questioningly.
"I promised you all night, do you remember?" he grinned mischievously and leaned to kiss me.