**This chapter might rile up a few readers, depending which characters you support. But, it's the direction I wanted to take. Feel free to tell characters off, bitch, or yell or whatever. Dig in. You can disagree with what I wrote. You can kindly disagree with other comments. Anything is fine... you just can't be mean to other readers. We cool? Enjoy... uh, hopefully...
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Tommy and Nikki laid in bed next to one another, naked, just after making love. It was something that the drummer assumed was a conciliatory conclusion to a period of bitter strife and near death moments. Sure, he figured that they need to clear the air and talk things out; maybe over breakfast or dinner. But apparently, that wasn’t what Nikki had in mind, having just asked Tommy whether he made love to Jon. The quiet afterglow of sex was on the verge of rekindling into a roaring dumpster fire.
“Nikki, I...” Tommy paused. “No, I didn’t. I only make love to you….. um… but I did have sex with... Jon.” The drummer tensed up, waiting for an abrasive response.
“Did you like what you did with him?”
Tommy unnestled himself from Nikki, propping himself up on his elbow again. He was unsure what Nikki was really up to, and if this conversation was going to lead towards reconciliation or a fight. The best he could do that that point was to be honest. “I can’t easily answer that. I always like sex…. Nikki, just tell me what you want to say to me about what I did. The good, the bad, and ugly.”
“Tom, it’s not so much the sex with someone else that upsets me. I mean, we’ve been fucking for five years, together for over four. Maybe something was bound to happen. You get in a rut, or you get curious. I don’t know…. up until now, we’ve only ever been with each other… man to man. In some ways, curiosity is natural, and probably invades the mind space of even the greatest of all the couples out there. So, it wasn’t the sex. It was how you went about it; smearing it in my face, making me eat shit, knowing that I was hurting. Not to mention, that you didn’t even give me a chance to talk about what I did… and about the baby. What you did to me, damn near shattered me. I needed your love and support and instead you rejected me, completely.”
Tommy sighed, “I know, and I don’t know why I behaved the way that I did. I mean, I guess I do to a certain point, but not to the extent that I can explain all of my behavior. Something fucked snapped in me, and yes, I wanted you to hurt,” Tommy revealed, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. “You hurt me too.”
“Use the sheet,” Nikki admonished, pushing a wad towards him. “I’m going to have to wash these anyway. We got a mess between them.”
“I’m sorry,” Tommy said, using the sheet to wipe his hand, and for a second swipe of his nose. “When I found out that you cheated on me, I was devastated. I guess that feeling of being burned mixed with… I hate to admit it…. some jealousy…. it just fucked me deep inside. Like, some sort of resident evil from within me came out from hiding. I just never thought that you would want someone else.”
“What would you be jealous about? Jealous of me? Or the guy?” Nikki asks.
“Sometimes I just feel that you’re always in the spotlight and I’m in your shadow. People listen to you and respect you, but they see me as a big joke. And unfortunately the news about the baby was like the breaking point. The baby is yours. Everything is always yours.”
“I never once thought of the baby being solely mine; just ours! That is until you made it clear that you don’t want anything to do with him. It was then that he became only mine,” Nikki snapped.
“I’m not saying that all of my feelings were right or justified. I’m just telling you the way I felt. I don’t know what else to say, Nikki. I was wrong about a lot, and I’m sorry…. Like I said last night, I’m sorry that we never got to celebrate as a couple. I’m sorry that I never told you that I wanted him too. I did…. I just couldn’t admit to myself, much less you. I was fucking scared out of my mind. I do want him. I just fucked so much up between us, that I fear it’s too late. I love you, and I want a chance to love the baby.”
“Well, if you love my son the way that you’ve been loving me lately, I’d have to think twice about having you in his life.”
Tommy’s eyes started watering again. “I’m sorry. I never stopped loving you, I was fucked up, angry, and out for revenge. I don’t know what happened to me. I’m not sure how to make it right. I just don’t want to lose you, or the baby…. maybe I already have, and I’m scared,” Tommy sobbed into his hands.
“Now you know how I felt when you wouldn’t even talk to me. Hopeless and dejected,” Nikki replied…... “I have to get ready to go.” He sat up and moved on the edge of the bed to stand, his back turned away.
Tommy got himself to a sitting position on the bed, grabbing a handful of the sheet to wipe his nose and tears, cleaning up below. “OK…. um, I guess I can change the sheets and wash these before I leave, so that you can come home to a clean bed in case you’re tired,” Tommy uttered, trying to abate the awkwardness heavily blanketing the room.
“Fine,” Nikki said, standing up, kicking around for his sweat pants in the early morning light. “That wasn’t make-up sex by the way. I woke up with wood, and you happened to be in my bed, uninvited. I still have a lot on my mind that I need to come to terms with.”
“I understand, kind of…. but you asked me to make love. I thought....” Tommy trailed off.
“I know, I gotta go,” Nikki said, with no emotion. “Lock this place up when you leave.”
“I hope everything is OK with the baby. I mean that…. I--”
Nikki took a deep breath, and without warning punched the wall, which left a fissure in the sheetrock. “Dammit!! You wanna know what the fucking issue is!!?? What I can’t wrap my head around!!?” Nikki roared with flashpan anger.
Tommy cowered putting his head down, as he shrunk back, unable to respond to Nikki’s rhetorical question.
Nikki stood, aborting the search for his pants, faced away from Tommy, bracing himself on the wall with one hand. He pounded it with the heel of his palm three more times, before turning back around. “If the situation was reversed… you know, like you’re the one who got a phone call saying that you’re going to be a father, and you had to tell me that a baby was suddenly coming into our lives….” Nikki poured out, before taking a seat on the edge of the bed, with one leg propped on it so he can look towards Tommy.
“I can’t say for sure how I would have reacted. Shocked, I’m sure.” Nikki threw out a shrug. “Scared, maybe upset. I don’t know. I mean, we were going to plan parenthood together, right? But whether I was upset for one minute, one hour, or even one day, I would have very quickly come to the realization that I was being gifted the privilege of being a father to the most beautiful baby in the world…. yours…. ours.”
A few tears started to fall from Nikki’s eyes. He wiped them away with his hands as he continued on. “How lucky for me to be able to be a part of that baby’s life. Yet, that’s not how you felt about my announcement. Instead, you rejected him, and then rejected me… for days on end. It just confounds me, and the only conclusion that I can draw is that you don’t love me in the same way that I love you. That’s the only thing that makes sense because none of this bullshit that happened since that day would have transpired if you were the biological father! None of it!!,” Nikki screeched, shattering any remnant of a quiet morning. “We would have been planning for a baby in our future.”
Nikki took hold of the sheet and wiped his face clear, as more tears poured forth. “There’s no way you can feel the same way for me as I do for you…. because you would have been over the moon about being a father to my baby. And I would have never treated you, the way that you treated me. You must have seen the pain in my eyes. You heard me cry, and you heard me beg… and I got nothing but rejections and insults from you. I begged for sex, and you preferred to jerk off alone. I begged to talk, and you punished me with revenge. If you didn’t want me because of what I did, you should have just let me go, instead of prolonging the agony.”
“Maybe I simply misunderstood your intentions after I overdosed,” Nikki continued. “I thought we were on the same page with our sentiments for each other. I thought that we made things clear about our deep feelings for each other after that. Or maybe it’s like Mick said…. sometimes you just fall out of love. So, this is your chance, Tom…. your out, so to speak…. if that’s what you want. I don’t want to be led on anymore. And if you’ve been holding off on doing this because you’re afraid that I’m going to kill myself or something, you don’t have worry. I have a son that I need to be present for and to protect. It’s obvious that I can’t even rely on his mother to do that. He needs me. I already feel like complete shit, so just end it if that’s what you’ve been wanting to do. I really can’t feel much worse.”
Tommy slid over to the edge of the bed where Nikki sat. He took one of the bassist’s hands in his own hands, while leaning his forehead on Nikki’s shoulder. Tommy cried while he gripped his hand. “I’m sorry, baby.”
Nikki steadied himself. He didn’t know whether this was the prelude leading to a break-up, or if it was the start of a chance to explain his actions. Although he would have pressed forward for the sake of his son, a break-up would have been devastating. Nikki trembled as he waited for Tommy to speak.
“Nikki… I love you... more than any other soul in this world. You’re my absolute favorite person to be around. I can’t live my life without you. And I’m so sorry that I made you feel like you were unwanted,” Tommy sobbed.
“It wasn’t just the way I felt. You made it clear that you didn’t want me. And you know that I have abandonment issues,” Nikki retorted. “Fine, I guess, if you truly didn’t want me anymore. I know I fucked up, and that certainly could have been your choice to let me go. But if you weren’t planning to let me go, you did the wrong thing by playing me and keeping me on ice. Those are tactics my mother used to control me; only to eventually realize that she didn’t want me and doesn’t care about me, much less love me. So what’s that make you? What should I think?”
“I know, I know... I was blinded at that time, angry and hurt, and out for revenge.”
“Angry about the cheating, OK! But how the fuck are you that angry about a baby!!?” Nikki snapped, causing Tommy to cower.
“I don’t know, Nikki. I don’t know,” Tommy sobbed, dropping his lover’s hand and crying into his own.
“Yeah, well your stupid juvenile behavior really fucked me up,” Nikki said, getting up again. “I gotta go.”
“Nikki, please. I--” Tommy choked up.
“Please, Nikki,” the bassist sneers in a mocking tone. “Fuck you. How many times did I beg you to stay or to talk to me? And you left to run off and cheat on me instead. Did you talk trash about me? Did you make fun of me? This is all stuff, that while I sat home on my sorry ass, I wondered about. And now… I actually have somewhere legitimate to go, and you sit there and beg, and expect me to stay? Well, fuck you! How does it feel?!!! Nikki shrieked. “Huh? How does it fucking feel?!!”
“It hurts! Ok?” Tommy snapped back. “It hurts…. I’m sorry,” he continued to bawl.
“That’s the difference, Tommy. I can’t just walk away when you’re hurting... even when you hurt me,” Nikki surrendered with a toss of his hands as he retreated back to the bedside.
“What can I do?” Tommy asked, shaking his head. “I’m sorry. I went too far. I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Talking is a start… something that could have helped two weeks ago.”
“I know, baby. I’m sorry. And just so you know… I didn’t talk about you. I mean, I told Jon that you cheated on me. But, I wasn’t trashing you, Nikki.” Tommy paused for a few moments. He thought about what he said to Jon about Nikki’s depression. “And I want to be honest and upfront, so that nothing comes back to bite me down the road. I did mention to him that you suffer from depression and that you had a bad childhood. I didn’t go into details though.”
“Why the hell would you tell him that?” Nikki asked, in a strangely calm voice, although the streak of fury in his eyes spoke differently. “Vince doesn’t even know that I’m on meds for depression.”
“I don’t know. It just came out. He was mentioning how I appeared to be in a power play position which seemed opposite of how he’s always perceived us. I was just kind of remarking that you’re more vulnerable than you appear. And as soon as I said it, I walked it back. I told him that you’re a fighter and determined…. And he agreed with me. He knew I shouldn’t have said that, and he didn’t run with it or mock you. He let me take it back. We weren’t trashing you… we were just exploring our own desires,” Tommy sniffled through tears.
“Should I be proud of you for that? Your thoughtful show of restraint? Did Jon share with you that Richie was force fed worms in the schoolyard playground or that he has a raging case of hemorrhoids at the present time?”
“No… and well, he never even actually said that they’re together… just implied it. Come on, Nik, I--” .
“Well, maybe Jon is a better boyfriend to him than you are to me? Because he doesn’t blurt private shit out about him! Although I suppose you could have also mentioned that my father left me, and my mother ignored me while allowing her boyfriends to abuse me. That I was dragged up and down the western states with no place to consider home. Perhaps if you told him that I was introduced to drugs and alcohol at age six, he wouldn’t think that I was just some stupid, over-indulgent egomaniac. Since those facts were contributory to my future problems with addiction and depression. That would have been a good one, right? Do you know how pathetic you sound to me right now? You didn’t have a right to share any of my personal shit with him! Nor was I looking for a play by play of what you and Jon agreed to!” Nikki blasted. “I don’t give a shit what he thinks about me. I never have, until you chose sides. And just because we have an open relationship doesn’t mean that my personal demons need to be exposed by you!”
“I didn’t mean it. I needed to let you know what was said, and that it wasn’t to trash you. I wouldn’t do that.”
“You won’t trash me, but you would share my personal business and fuck him while abandoning me. It all makes perfect sense.”
“Nikki, I don’t know what to say, or how to fix this. Nothing I say seems to be helping. I was hurting because you cheated on me first. You haven’t even told me who it was, and it’s been eating me up. I was upset and needed an outlet.”
“Are you fucking serious?! I wasn’t going to tell you who it was while you were white hot with anger, because you’d probably kill somebody. But if you gave me the chance to sit and talk about it, after a day or two of cooling down, I would have told you everything. I should have been your outlet, if within your heart you still loved me and wanted to work things out.”
Tommy stared downward and nodded his head in agreement. “I know that now…. And I guess it doesn’t matter, but while we’re on the subject, could you just tell me who? Please….”
“It was Izzy,” Nikki said, while flexing his jaw.
“Stradlin?” Tommy asked, picking up his head to expose the confused look upon his face.
“Does that name surprise you?”
“Um, yeah. I just didn’t think he was like that. I thought--”
“Tommy, I didn’t know either. You never gave me a chance to explain what happened.”
“I thought you went with some pretty boy, and--”
“A pretty boy... like Jon?”
Tommy shrugged. “I was convinced it was either Duff, because you two connect with the bass, or Taime because he’s always buzzing around you and touching you. I’ve seen him do it multiple times right in front of me.”
“I wasn’t on the prowl that night to go pick up some pretty boy, as you say, to go lay down with,” Nikki huffed. “I'm guessing, in order to justify your own actions, that you've cooked up your own vilified version of events from that night. Taime, the hot shot nightclub owner, draping his gooey hands all over me, as I nestle up close to him in your absence. Or Duff riding the neck of his bass to turn me on, as I lick my lips. Am I right? Is that what you think?
Nikki shook his head. “I was minding my own fucking business most of the night, thinking about you and the baby, as I drank myself to the floor. Only to be joined by Izzy, who was also wasted as fuck. We were just talking about life in general…. The live band playing that night sucked, and we decided to leave. He had demos from their new album for me to hear, so we went to his apartment. And as I poured more fire down my throat and packed powder up my nose, I lost control of myself crying over the mess between me and you. Then, while one drunken fool tried to comfort another drunken fool, shit happened…. I would have told you. And I know I was wrong. I shouldn’t have left with him. I should have stopped his advances. I shouldn’t have been there. But I wasn’t out prowling. I was just stupid, drunk, and desperate for attention. I fucked up, and I wanted to come clean right away…. I figured that was the best chance to save our relationship, if it was even going to be salvageable.”
“Why did you leave with him?” Tommy asked.
Nikki shook his head. “It’s hard to figure out where my head was because I was out of it. I think I may have had this notion that it felt wrong, but I didn’t stop myself because I didn’t even know I was capable of doing what I did. I trusted myself, but given my state of mind, I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”
Tommy sat silent for a few moments…. not certain how to even proceed. He shrugged with resolve. “Baby, we both fucked up.… but we can get through this, right?” Tommy took hold of Nikki’s hand again to caress.
Nikki shrugged. “I think that we have a lot to work through.”
“I know, but to start, do you wanna know what I brought with me? I have your ring. I had hoped that maybe I’d be able to put it back on your finger at some point. My heart dropped when I saw it left with the note. It was definitely a slap in the face…. that I deserved.”
“You brought my ring, not even knowing if I was going to talk to you?”
“Well, I didn’t have a choice in a way.… um, see.. well, fuck… I actually can’t give it back to you now. I--”
“Why bring it up then? I don’t know what game you’re playing.”
“It’s not a game. I would like to slip it back on your finger so that we can take a symbolic step in the right direction… but even if you want it back… it’s um, well,” Tommy stuttered, sheepishly holding up his own hand with Nikki’s ring on his finger. “I can’t get it off. My fingers are skinny, but my knuckles are big…. I mean, maybe it’s good that it’s stuck otherwise it would have fallen off in the cold ocean.”
Nikki sat void of emotion, not amused by Tommy’s rambling plight. “Give me the lube,” Nikki commanded, holding his hand out.
Tommy handed Nikki the lube, who squeezed out a generous dab on his fingers. “Lemme have your hand.”
Nikki rubbed the lube on Tommy’s finger, working it underneath the ring. Bit by bit, he eventually worked it past Tommy’s large knuckle, until it slipped right off. He locked his eyes onto it as he rolled it between two fingers, seemingly pondering the significance of it. Nikki sighed, then he handed it over to the drummer.
Tommy wiped his slick finger off on the sheet, then rolled the ring between his own fingers. He felt his heart uncomfortably pumping with trepidation, as he drew in a breath. “Nikki? Can I put it back on your finger?”
Nikki suddenly realized he was holding in a breath as he waited for Tommy to say something after handing the ring back to him. He let it out through his quivering lips. He balled up his fist then extended his outstretched hand towards his lover. He wasn’t even sure if he was ready to do this. It was just a gut reaction after putting the work in to free the ring from Tommy’s finger.
Tommy noticed Nikki’s hand trembling. He reached to place the ring on the bedside table, then took his hand in both of his. He brought it up to his lips to kiss it. “I don’t want you to be nervous. Are you?” Tommy asked.
Nikki gave a one shoulder shrug.
“I know that you have every reason not to trust my motives anymore.” Tommy kissed Nikki’s hand again. “And maybe I have the right to feel the same way, but that’s a moot point for me because I don’t want us to be over. I want to put the ring back on,” Tommy revealed, kissing Nikki’s hand again.
Nikki rubbed his face with his free hand, unsure if his gut reaction should be trusted.
Tommy sensed tension in Nikki’s muscles. He pressed his partner’s hand into his cheek. “Maybe I should let you know that I am more familiar with your hands than my own. You have a scar right here, from when you cut it on a fence,” Tommy said, kissing the top of Nikki’s index finger. You have three calluses on your left hand and two on your right. You only grow hair below your lower knuckles.”
Tommy continued, rubbing his thumb across the patches with hair growth. “See Nikki, I’m just so obsessed with you. I know every inch of your body. A lot of times, after you’ve fallen asleep, I explore your body. It calms me down. I often have residual energy to burn off, and I don’t fall asleep as quickly as you. I know all of your tattoos by heart. I know that the second toe on your left foot is just a smidge taller than your big toe. I know the mole on your left hip, and that the hair under your arms tends to lay counterclockwise. I know you have a divot in the back of your skull, and where you had the pin in your shoulder. I also know exactly where you took those two life-saving shots in your chest.” Tommy dropped Nikki’s hand and placed each of his index fingers on the spots. “Maybe you never noticed that I kiss you on those spots a lot.”
Tommy took hold of Nikki’s hand once more, and opened the bassist’s fingers to expose his palm. He closed his eyes and pressed his thumb in an arc along Nikki’s palm. “And right here. Right here is your life line. I don’t even need to look. I know it by heart... so thankful that it seems long. It gives me peace to believe that we’ll get to live long lives together…. I hope?”
He continued, “Baby, I love you so much. Maybe I show it differently…. and what happened over the past two weeks, I can’t quite explain, except that I just lost my mind. But, I love you more than you know. And if you allow me to put the ring back on your finger, I promise you that every night you close your eyes to go to sleep, you’ll know that you’re loved. Everyday, until the day I die.”
Nikki sighed and shook his head no, as he pulled his hand back from Tommy’s grasp.
“No?” Tommy asked, surprised. “Nikki?”
“Look, I still need time to think about things. I won’t ignore you, I just need time. But, I really have to go now. I have a lot going on with the baby, and my mind is with him, as I watch the clock tick by. I need to get there…. Um, I’m not sure where your clothes from last night are. If you find them, and they’re still wet, you can wear something of mine,” Nikki said, rising again to get dressed.
Everything that Tommy just said seemed perfect and from the heart, but on the other hand, it also seemed manipulative, designed just to cause Nikki to cave in. It’s not enough for him to trust his heart to Tommy again.
“OK…. so, when are you going to know?”
“Know what?”
“Well... about us?”
“You’re really asking me that? How should I fucking know,” Nikki snapped.
“I just thought….” Tommy said, trailing off as he unsuccessfully tried to choke back tears. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what else to tell you…. Nikki…. I tried to make things right.”
“I know.” Nikki walked out to the other guest room in search of clothes. He got dressed then took care of some business in the bathroom.
The bassist leaned into the bedroom. “I’m leaving. Let yourself out and lock up. Don’t forget to make sure that you have your keys and shit. I won’t be able to come back and unlock this for you.”
“Maybe...can I stop by again soon?” Tommy asked. “Please…. Maybe tonight?”
“I’ll let you know. It might depend on how tired I am, and how things are with Brandi and the baby and where that puts my head space.” Nikki replied. He stood there for another moment watching Tommy nervously roll the ring between two of his fingers before clapping it tightly in a fist. “And don’t watch me when I sleep. I’m not your playground, and I don’t like being vulnerable.” He walked away, taking his jacket, wallet, and keys. As he slipped out the front door.
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When Tommy heard Nikki walking away, followed by the click of the front door closing, his tears poured out hot and heavy. He didn’t expect this. Not after the near drowning. Not after the sex. Not after the talk, and trying to explain his love for Nikki. He thought Nikki would accept the ring back. Tommy was scared and heartbroken. What just happened? He didn’t know what this meant. Was it the beginning of a break-up?
He wallowed around in bed for quite some time, crying with all kinds of scenarios running through his head. It was sometime later, through some moments of reflection, when he came up with an idea that finally got him out of bed. But before anything, he remembered that he told Nikki he’d wash the sheets and make the bed for him. He figured that he’d try to clean the floors of sand for Mick while the wash load ran.
Roughly two hours later, after laundry, sweeping, shaking out his sandy jacket on the balcony, making the bed, and pizza for breakfast, Tommy got himself dressed in his freshly laundered clothes from last night. He sorted through some papers on the counter for any information that he might be able to find to put his plan in place, which was namely a surprise visit to the hospital to show support. The problem was he didn’t know which hospital Brandi was at, or even her last name for that matter. Fortunately, Nikki had the hospital’s phone number written down on a sheet of paper near the phone, along with Brandi’s room number.
Tommy called the number, a receptionist answered announcing the name of the hospital. As she asked how to direct his call, he hung up upon discovering where Brandi was. With that info and the room number jotted down, Tommy reached for his coat, and left for home.
About an hour and a half later, Tommy arrived at the hospital bearing gifts, and feeling hopeful. He held his breath as he asked to see Brandi in Room 317.
The receptionist made a few clicks on her computer. “Sir, I’ll need your name. And if you’re on the list, your ID, please. This patient has a restricted guest list.”
Tommy swallowed hard. “It’s Tommy Lee,” he replied, hoping his name might be there, as he pulled his ID out.
He waited for a tense moment as she took his license. “Thank you, Mr. Lee. Here’s your ID back and a pass. Take the elevator on the left to the third floor, then turn to the left. Please, you must return your pass on your way out.”
“Thank you,” Tommy said with a smile, relieved.
He reached his destination, and knocked on the door which was cracked open. He heard a female voice say come in. So he pushed the door open and stepped in, setting his eyes on Brandi, who was sitting up in the bed. Within a moment he realized that Nikki wasn’t there.
“Tommy,” Brandi said, with a genuine smile, appearing happy to see him.
“Hi Brandi, I hope it’s OK that I came by.”
“Of course. I’ve been asking about you. Um… Nikki stepped out for a little while.”
“Oh… well, maybe I should have called. But here… these are for you,” Tommy said presenting Brandi with a lovely arrangement of flowers. “They’re already in a vase. I figured that you wouldn’t have one in here.”
“Ohh, thank you, Tommy. I love flowers, and they’re beautiful. It gives me something to look at. These walls get boring, and my outside view is just another wing of the hospital. Nikki tried to use his celebrity status to have me moved to a room with a garden view, but the maternity ward is near full. I guess I have to consider myself lucky enough to not have a roommate.”
“Hospital roommates are the worst, aren’t they? Always yelling or snoring, right? Anyway, um... how are you feeling? Do you think that you’ll be here a lot longer? How’s the baby doing? I’ve been worried.”
“He seems healthy. I just need to be careful with my movements as I heal. The doctor thinks that I should be able to go home sometime next week, but on bed rest,” Brandi replied.
“Well, that good, I guess.”
“You can sit, you know.” Brandi gestured with her hand towards a chair.
“Yeah, thanks. Um, by the way, this is a little gift for the baby. It’s just something personal from me that I want him to have from day one,” Tommy said, placing a small paper gift bag on the side table.
“I’ve asked Nikki about you a few times. I was wondering where you’ve been,” Brandi revealed.
“I’m sorry. I had some things going on.”
“I guess I kind of assumed that you two would be doing things together regarding the baby.”
“Well, you know, we still each have our business to take care of,” Tommy stuttered out, beginning to grow uncomfortable. He didn’t really know Brandi, and besides the awkwardness of talking about his absence from the scene, his preconceived notions of Brandi have been nothing but negative. And there he was, having to fake his way through a cordial conversation just to impress Nikki, who wasn’t even there.
At least there was the baby, and Tommy was hit with a moment of realizing that he was right there, next to him, in a way. He took a deep breath, feeling a moment of connection. He wanted to touch Brandi’s belly, but he didn’t dare ask. Instead he continued on with awkward conversation for another ten minutes, trying to get to know the woman who was the mother of Nikki’s baby, before asking about where he was again.
“He went to get food, but I don’t know for sure. He’s been acting strangely. I guess this came as a shock to all of us,” Brandi answered.
“Yeah, a big shock, but it will be good, right?”
“I think we got this. I just need to follow the doctors’ orders… you know… be more careful. I know Nikki’s been upset about what happened. His moods are hard to read… but, at least he’s been here, and that’s been a comfort. I don’t know if it’s appropriate to say thank you for sharing him?”
Brandi placed her hand on her face, wincing, as her cheeks reddened. "Oh jeez, that sounded weird… I'm sorry. I really just need his support, is all. I hope you don’t think that I’m trying to catch him for myself, so to speak. I mean… I like him… god, I don’t know, Tommy. I must sound like an idiot right now.”
“No, not at all. I understand… um, it’s…. I mean, there’s no denying that we have a unique situation here. Not only with the open-dating, which created these circumstances, but um… well, I don’t know what I’m saying either. Maybe I should just say thank you to you for allowing me to be part of this.”
Brandi smiled. “I’m just trying to do what’s best for the baby. There’s just been so much to consider, and now this…. it just complicates things further. But, I really need Nikki here, so thanks again. Sorry if that’s a strange thing to say.”
“It’s all good. But listen, I have an appointment at three o’clock, so I’ll need to get going,” Tommy lied, really just wanting to track down Nikki at this point.
“If you have time to catch Nikki, here in the maternity ward, there’s a little sitting area for dads that has vending machines. There’s the main cafeteria on the first floor, and an outdoor pavilion right off of that. He can smoke out there. My guess is he can be found at one of those places if you want to try to see him before leaving.”
“Yeah, maybe I’ll try to catch him on my way out. It was really nice to meet you. I mean, I know we met before, but more so just in passing. This was nice.”
“I’m glad that you were able to come today. Thanks again for the flowers. They’re so pretty.”
“You’re welcome. Anything to make you happy as you keep the baby well,” Tommy replied, smiling.
“Come by again.”
“I will,” Tommy said, slipping out the door.
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After peeking in the sitting area before leaving the maternity ward, and scouting out the cafeteria, Tommy finally spotted Nikki sitting on a bench outside on the sunny pavilion. He stepped out and causally slid onto the bench next to Nikki.
“Tom? What are you doing here?” Nikki asked, surprised to see him. He condensed his spread out lunch into a tight knit pile.
“I wanted to visit. I thought that maybe I should be here too, as a start.”
“No, you shouldn’t,” Nikki said, starting to get up, trying to gather up his lunch components.
Tommy grabbed hold of his forearm. “Please, can we talk?”
“What is it that you want?”
“I want to make things right.”
“It’s perhaps a little late for that,” Nikki replied.
“Please give me a chance. I want to be here. I want to be with you, and to make sure that the baby is OK.”
“Tom, stop. Just don’t…. don’t come here anymore. You’ll have nothing to do with this baby.” Nikki started to stand up again.
“What does that mean?” Tommy asked, tears pricking his eyes as he looked up at Nikki, who was now standing.
Nikki took a breath. “This isn’t gonna work out.”
“What isn’t?” Tommy asked.
“Us…. I can’t do this anymore,” Nikki responded, toggling his finger between himself and Tommy. “I decided that I’m gonna find a comfortable place to live… just me and my son. You can buy me off the mortgage. Or we can sell the house, and take our shares.”
“Nikki, please don’t do this. I just need another chance. I’m giving you one. Please… I can’t live without you,” Tommy pleaded.
“Yes you can. You did it for the past few weeks with no problem when it was on your own terms.”
“I was just working through my own emotions and pain… I, um…. please, please can we just talk more about this. You cheated on me first. Why do you get to decide this…. Why can’t--”
“I can decide whatever the hell I want. I don’t need your permission to break-up with you. You could have done the same, and maybe should have instead of jerking me around. You fucked up by taking it too far. It’s too late now because I can’t be with someone who tosses me aside like trash. That’s exactly what you did, and I don’t want to be with someone who gets off on my suffering.”
“I wasn’t getting off on it. I was hurting too, and I didn’t like seeing you in pain either. It killed me--”
“Yet, you kept on. It killed you, yet you did nothing about it. That’s not the way love works. You don’t love me the way I love you, and that’s all there is to it. And I refuse to play the part of the gullible idiot who turns a blind eye to that,” Nikki asserted, shoving a finger towards Tommy.
“I do love you, Nikki. Please, let me show you. I messed up. I don’t know what got into me,” Tommy sobbed, placing his hands over his heart. “I can’t bear to see you with anyone else. You’re mine.”
“You intentionally chose someone else over me. How do you think that made me feel? You purposely left me alone, while you went to be in someone else’s arms. So, I don’t know what it is you think that you feel for me… infatuation, maybe familiarity, maybe it’s just the sex when you have no one better to fuck. I don’t fucking know, but it can’t be love.... not in my book.”
“It’s not those things. It is love…. deep love, please don’t leave me. I was messed up because you hurt me too. Please give me another chance, Nikki. I’ve given you one. Please.”
Nikki took a deep breath, and softened as he thought about what to say next. “We’ll still see each other. And I’m still around, and I’ll be there if you need anything, OK? And let me know your thoughts about the house.”
“I thought you loved me,” Tommy whimpered.
“I do. You’re the only person I’ve ever been in love with. But I require the same type of love in return, and you showed me that you’re not capable of that.”
“But I am… please. You know me.”
“I thought that I knew you... Look, I gotta go back in. I’ll see you at the studio next week. I think Thursday we’re starting back,” Nikki said. He turned away and threw his half eaten food into a nearby trash can.
“Nikki?” Tommy pleaded, before the bassist got far.
“Hmm?”
“I love you. Just please, think some more about this. Maybe the time apart will…. I don’t know… maybe you’ll miss me?”
“I know I’ll miss you. If you think this is easy for me, it’s not. And if you think that it’s what I want, it’s not. It’s just that this is the reality, and we’re not a proper match.”
Tommy nodded. “Just keep an open mind. I’ll never stop trying.”
“I’ll be open,” Nikki said, turning on his heel towards the door again.
“Nikki?”
He turned back to face Tommy.
“I brought something for the baby. I want him to have it, OK?”
“Thanks,” Nikki replied, with an unreadable look upon his face. He turned away and went back inside, leaving Tommy heartbroken on the bench.
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**So, yikes. What's gonna happen? I have few interesting scenes in the next chapter. Maybe you'll want these two drawn back together. Then again, maybe not.
**Fun fact- Brandi dated Cathouse co-proprietor, Taime Downe, before dating Nikki. Taime cheated on her. I decided not to add that connection into this story, although I considered for something that's brought up in a future chapter. I can still add it in if I want to. Maybe.