Chapter 16: ANOTHER LONG STORY
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Alex's POV:
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I have avoided Black's mansion like a deadly disease since the engagement party in fear of running into him. The anxiety I would feel in his presence, the awkwardness that plausibly had multiplied because of what happened last time, all of it was too much for me to even think about.
But it's been a week, a long week, a terribly distraught and restless one. I look pale like I haven't been sleeping, I tried hiding it, but putting up a fake smile is more exhausting than ever and now even my mother is concerned. She didn't say anything, but I see it, she's not good at hiding it. A couple of days ago when I had come with my mom, Jensen wasn't here... I assumed he was at work, but Jenny told me he was at his own place, I guess it's the same today. He no longer sends me flowers or notes, it's like he finally gave up.
This is what I wanted right... but then why, why do I feel this disappointment? This sadness that I have no right to feel?
"I'm in love with you." Those words in his deep voice haunted my nights and my daydreams. How I wish I could have said something equally beautiful.
I didn't think it was possible for him to love me, I'm stubborn and headstrong, not perfect by a long shot, we were barely together, but even as I think this I know I'm giving bullshit reasons to justify myself. Jensen and I, we related on an immeasurable emotional level, the deep physical attraction was there, but the connection that we shared was rare and precious. I can't believe I want to throw it away as if it comes along every other day...
I was a mess that day, my heart said something while my head opposed it, I was standing there in front of him, torn in two with tears in my eyes. And I don't even remember what I said, all I know is that my words put that shadow of pain and heartbreak on his handsome face and I couldn't watch it knowing I was the one who put it there.
Fuck! I'm a terrible person...
I didn't want to recount everything from that night, but Kate had called and I had to tell her. I couldn't that night, she was drunk off her mind and I was in a chaotic emotional state. After I told her everything she was silent for a moment.
"I'm a horrible person aren't I?" I asked, "you can say it, no need to take my side just cause I'm your friend."
"I don't have to say it, not when you are calling yourself every bad name under the sun." Kate said. "Nothing I say would be worse."
"I hate this, I hate everything..." Most of all myself.
"You have punished yourself enough.... You know." Kate said.
"I-I've done something unforgivable."
Kate spoke as if she didn't hear me, "you've been punishing yourself for years now for something you have no control over.... It's time you stopped."
Tears were freely flowing down my face now, "I don't know how.... If it wasn't for-" a hiccup cut me off and I tried not to cry.
"I'm so sorry.... I wish I could do more, I'm coming over-"
"No don't, don't ruin your day off over me please, I just needed you to hear me out." I insisted. "I'll be fine." Besides I'm not at home... I'm at Black's, in one of their guest room to be precise. I didn't tell her that....
She sighed in resignation, "You and I both know you are not fine, and won't be for a while, not until you do what you need to."
"I can't.... I can't trap him." I tried to put on my shoes while on phone, I needed to leave.
"So you're going to let him believe that it's his fault when in reality none of you had any control over it," Kate spoke through the phone, as I struggled to pull myself together.
Her words struck, and I froze with only one shoe on, staring ahead while I saw nothing. As much as I hated to accept it, it was true, Kate knew she was right from my silence.
"He can make his own decisions Alex, he's a grown man."
This wasn't something new, I've been pondering and breaking my head over this whole situation for a while now, and Kate knew, she also knows just how to provoke me and to ask all the right questions.
He would feel guilty and blame himself for who knows how long if he doesn't find out the truth.
It wasn't his fault, never. If anyone is to be blamed it's me. I should have been clear about what it means to be with me. I shouldn't have led him on after my resignation, I should have been more resolute. But I was weak before him, he was sweet and persuasive and I always wanted just another moment, another hour, another day...
I always thought we'd date, get to know each other and I'll tell him before it got serious, but we entirely skipped that part and dove into the deep end pretty quickly. I didn't even realise how it happened but with him it was never light casual and so there was never a good time to come clean... so it piled on.
Kate continued speaking, "You think he's too wounded and can't take it if you tell him the truth. For someone who always complains about how we all are constantly walking on eggshells around you, this doesn't seem like something you would do."
For the moment a dull ache in my heart became apparent. Kate knew always to call me out on my decisions. And I realized what I've been doing all this time, I've been projecting my insecurities and hiding from the hurt of my own imagination.
"You should not be making the decision for the both of you Alex, give him the chance to walk away instead of assuming that he would, and if he wants to stay....that's his decision." She said.
"God, I'm such a hypocrite..." I mumbled, and after what he said, how could I-?
"You should talk to him," She said.
"I should...." I agreed, "I will." Then I smiled genuinely, "thanks, Kate."
"You're welcome..." She laughed, "Now don't put it off, I don't like it when you're sulking. Also, your mom is super worried, she doesn't want to fuss around you so she called me and told me to find out what's bothering you.... Or if something is wrong again. Is there?" A little bit of worry leaked into her voice.
I smiled and told her honestly, "nothing's wrong, everything is normal."
"Thank god. Well, anyway... I'll tell your mom everything is fine and dandy, while you go get your man. Oh shit! My kitchen is smoking... gotta go-Matt! What the heck-" And the call ended.
I put my phone down, wiped my face clean and pulled on my other shoe, the sun was gone and the sky was turning dark blue when Jenny's voice called my name. "Alex, are you going home?" She asked, appearing with a packed tray in her hands.
"Yes, but if you need me-..." I was saying but Jenny cut me off.
"No, no not really, I just need a small favour, since you're going home anyway, could you drop this off at Jensen's? I made too much lasagna and that idiot didn't show up... his place is on your way... I'll send you the address, I was gonna go myself, but I suddenly have a teleconference." She said, pleading.
I bit my lip in thought before taking the tray from her hand. "I'll make sure he gets it."
She brightened up and smiled, "Great!" She lingered a bit and I frowned at her.
"Anything else...?" I asked.
"No, I mean... it's just that Jensen seems a bit down these days, maybe you should talk to him, clear out the air..." She suggested, and I stared at her wide-eyed.
"I- you... I don't think..." I stuttered, not knowing what to say, or where I was going with that.
Jenny laughed, "I know." She said, "you guys are not as subtle as you would like to think, plus Josh said something when he was drunk, and Kyle had told me a few things... I can put two and two together." She winked.
I couldn't help the blush that crawled up over my face, "It's nothing, I mean-..."
"No explanation required, you're too good for him anyway, he got lucky...." She wouldn't be saying that if she knew how selfish I was being, how much pain I've caused him.
"I-I should go..." I stuttered out and soon I was getting in my car and driving away from a smiling nodding Jenny.
Holy shit, that was scary!
I followed the address Jenny had texted me and soon I was standing in front of a gate to a decent sized building. It was painted white and looked well maintained.
I pressed the doorbell and waited, expecting the intercom to come alive but instead the automatic gate opened. I frowned, but stepped inside, looking around at the cropped garden and the front yard curiously. He lives here alone? This place was fit for a few dozen of people.
I stepped up to the door and tried to get one of my hand free to knock or something when the door slid open and he was standing there in front of me in a t-shirt and comfortable grey track pants.
"Jenny asked me to bring this to you," I said referring to the tray in my hands. That sounded like I'd rather be somewhere else, dammit Alex!
"Come on in," Jensen said as he took the tray from my hands, he didn't seem surprised to see me, perhaps Jenny told him I was on my way. He looked dishevelled but relaxed, his eyes were bright and he looked as handsome as ever.
"Um okay..." Not knowing what else to say, I stepped inside and looked around at his place, the automatic lights flickered on as we entered into a wide spacious place that looked like the living room. Huge couches occupied most of the space in front of a large wall-mounted TV.
A laptop sat on the coffee table at one side of the room and the walls were adorned with picture frames. The room was minimally furnished in a dark blue and grey colour scheme and looked very modern. This place didn't look like it was lived in though, or maybe it was newly furnished.
"Your place is nice." I complimented.
"Thanks. Would you like some coffee?" He asked, bringing my attention to him.
"Sure..." I said, and when he started walking towards the kitchen I followed, "I'll help."
"Making sure I won't poison you?" He joked, and I cracked a smile.
"One can never be too careful," I said as we both walked towards the kitchen.
The kitchen was huge, clean and well equipped. Again, it didn't seem like it was utilised often. He placed the tray of lasagna inside the fridge before turning towards the coffee machine.
I scanned the shelves for the coffee mugs, but couldn't find them, almost as if he could read my mind Jensen said, "The coffee mugs are in the drawer." I turned towards the drawer as he swiftly found the required ingredients.
I opened a drawer to find bowls and closed it to open another one with glasses. I was about to move on to the next one when I froze looking at a transparent box that held broken pieces of ceramic. The broken bits of ceramic didn't shock me as much as the fact that I recognised those broken bits, I remembered breaking them.
It was that plain mug with grey design down the side, the one I broke in Jensen's office all those months ago. I can't believe he kept it. I remember Kate telling me his dad got him that as a gift. Jensen saw what I was looking at and said, "It's one of the few things my dad gave me, I couldn't throw it away." He closed the drawer and grabbed two mugs from the right drawer.
"Kate told me." I said, "I never really apologized for it properly."
He smiled, and moved around making coffee, comfortable in his space as he said, "It's alright, you didn't know, and I was a jerk to you."
"You were..." I agreed, "which is why I was surprised you even noticed I got hurt." I told him genuinely.
"I didn't at first, I was just furious...but then I saw drops of blood on the floor and realised the way you were clutching your hand, I was suddenly so worried." He said, "When I found a first aid box and ran to find you I thought you were going to punch me." he laughed.
"I probably would have if you weren't my boss." I mused, as the heavenly aroma of coffee quickly filled the air. The sound of the coffee machine grew loud and we both became quiet for a moment.
Jensen spoke when the noise faded away, "I don't doubt it, but all I could think of at that moment was to fix you up and to make sure you were alright." he said while working around the coffee machine.
I nodded, thinking back and remembering how he fussed around. "The bandage you wrapped looked so dramatic as if I broke my hand or something."
"Hey, I did the best I could, I'm not a medical professional." He defended.
"I did appreciate it, just didn't know what to make of it," I said.
"Peace offering." He replied and passed me a steaming cup of coffee as we both stood there leaning against the counter smiling, sharing it.
"Thanks," I said and soon silence surrounded us. We were both suddenly quiet, enjoying the bitter-sweet hot cup of freshly made drink.
"What are you doing Alex?" He suddenly asked, breaking the loud silence.
"Enjoying a work of art..." I said slightly lifting the coffee mug. Is it just me or there's no awkwardness at all between us?
He smiled a bit, "I mean here...in my house, in my kitchen, with me, why are you doing this? Are you really going to punish both of us for what I did?"
I was punishing him... how could I be so clueless?
"It's not even about that anymore...and you've done nothing wrong." My smile dropped and shattered faster than the splashing of a falling raindrop, "I thought, maybe....we should talk." suddenly the mood was intense.
"About..." He asked.
"About us," I said.
He looked down at the floor dejected, "I thought there's no 'us'."
"There might be..." I said softly, my voice caught, "If you want it to."
He met my eyes and stole my breath with his passionate hopeful eyes, "Don't kid around with me Alex..."
"Maybe we should sit down, It's a long story..."
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