Chapter 39
Season 6, Episode 9-10
Nothing. There are no thoughts or memories in my brain when I think about last night. There was drinking and a lot of jumbled words from Cristina, but I don't remember most of the party and that terrifies me. I know that Jackson was there which means it is very likely we interacted.
My head is pounding like I just got hit with a truck as I roll over in my bed. I guess I forgot to close my curtains before getting into bed last night because light streams through my window, making it hard to open my eyes. As I move to stand, I realize I'm still wearing my dress from last night. I groan and stand, almost tripping over my heels that were thrown lazily on the floor.
I pull the dress off and throw it in my laundry hamper, walking over to my dresser for some clothes. I need to have a shower to wash off the filth from last night. After washing everything from the night away, I trudge down the stairs to the kitchen where Meredith sits at the counter reading and wearing fresh clothes. She's been reduced to sweats the past couple of weeks but now is wearing jeans and a dressy top.
"Good morning." She says with a smirk and I can't do more than groan at her as I walk over to the coffee pot, my hangover knocking my brain around like a toddler with a hammer. "How'd you sleep?"
"No questions, please," I mumble, pouring the warm liquid into my favourite mug. "I can't compute."
"Well, I have many." She says with a grin as I lean on the counter across from her, cradling my mug in my cold hands, trying to find some comfort. I take a large gulp before nodding.
"Fine, but me first," I say and she leans back, obviously amused. "How did I get back here?"
"You don't remember?" She asks with a laugh and I frown.
"Meredith, I drank half a bottle of vodka in eight minutes," I mutter with a blank face as I drink more of the heavenly drink in my hands.
"Avery brought you back." She states and I nearly spit out a mouthful of coffee all over her. I manage to swallow without choking as her words sink in.
"Ja-Jackson...brought-" I stutter, my hungover brain trying to grasp onto any tangible memory from last night, but I come up empty.
"You were in quite a state." She says and I scrunch my eyes closed in embarrassment.
"D-Did he say anything to you?" I ask her with caution, I'm not sure I even want to know the answer to that question.
"Just that you had been drinking and couldn't have gotten a cab on your own." She says, tilting her head to the side, trying to figure out what I'm thinking. Considering Meredith has been on my end of the hungover conversation more times than either of us can count, she should already know exactly what I'm thinking. I need to know what happened.
"Ugh." I groan, taking another sip of my drink. "You're going back to work today right?"
"Yeah, finally." She says with a grin. I know she's excited to get back to work considering she hasn't had a chance to compete with the Mercy Westers yet. While they can't fire her for lack of OR hours since she's been on recovery leave, she still wants to prove herself.
"Well, have fun. I'll be here." I push myself away from the counter, carrying my mug with me into the living room where I collapse on the couch. I place my mug onto the table in front of me before pulling a blanket around my shoulders.
"Try not to sleep all day." She says, walking over to the front hall and grabbing her coat and bag. I mumble some sort of response as I place my head on a throw pillow, letting my eyes close. I can hear the front door close behind her, leaving the house in comforting silence.
∞∞∞∞∞∞
My eyes open to the sound of my phone buzzing on the kitchen table, far from my spot on the couch. I groan as I roll over, looking at the clock on the wall. I've been asleep for three hours but it might as well have been three minutes. Pulling myself off the couch, I let the blanket fall to the floor and walk over to the kitchen table. I pick my phone up to see Meredith calling me. I scrunch my brow in confusion as I answer it.
"Hello?" I croak, quickly clearing my throat to try again but she speaks quickly.
"Audrey, listen to me. Izzie is here at the hospital." She races through her words and suddenly, I don't feel tired anymore.
"What? Is she okay? What happened?" I ask her desperately, already running to the front door to grab my coat.
"She's fine. She came in with an old teacher of hers who needs a consult with Derek." She explains and my movements slow to a stop, nearly dropping my coat on the floor.
"I'm sorry, what?" I ask her, none of her previous words making sense in my hungover brain.
"Look, she won't tell Alex that she's here and I can't find him anywhere, can you come in?" She asks me and I sigh, pulling my coat over my shoulders in annoyance. Izzie has been gone without a single word for weeks and now she's back, also without a word to any of us.
"I'm on my way," I mutter, hanging up the phone. I'm going to beat Izzie's ass.
∞∞∞∞∞∞
It was only as I walked through the front door of the hospital did I realize I didn't change out of my sweater and sweatpants. I could've at least put on some jeans but the urgency of that phonecall threw me off and now I'm standing in my place of work looking as bad as I feel. At least I had the decency to take a shower. I zip my coat up in an attempt to conceal the mess underneath as I speed walk through the lobby.
On the way over I got a text from Meredith saying that she and Izzie were in the clinic so that's where I'm headed. I'm waiting for the elevator when I hear a voice behind me.
"Audrey?" Callie asks and I turn to face her, mortified. "Hey, I didn't think I'd see you at work today."
"Oh, I'm not h... I mean, uh, I'm not working." I stutter, embarrassed that one of my mentors and friends is seeing me in this state. The elevator dings open and I walk in, thankful for it being empty. Callie follows me inside and I try to conceal my cringe.
"Got it. Last night was probably bad for everyone." She groans, seemly embarrassed herself and I frown in confusion.
"Wh-wait why?" I ask her and she looks over at me, clear shock on her face.
"You don't remember? Arizona's patient died so the party just became a bummer." She explains and my eyes widen as she unlocks a memory I didn't have before now. I don't remember how I got the information or in what context, but I remember crying about the death of Wallace.
"Oh, my god," I mutter to myself sadly and she nods in agreement.
"Well, maybe it wasn't such a bummer for you." She smirks and my eyes widen at her comment.
"What?"
"I have to say though, I was not expecting that. I mean, good for you, he's hot, but I wouldn't have guessed it." She rambles like a schoolgirl as I stand in my sweats with a damp head of hair, lost beyond all belief.
"Callie, what are you talking about?" I ask her in utter confusion.
"You and Jackson." She says like it's the most obvious thing in the world and my jaw goes slack, practically dropping open like a cartoon character.
"W-What?! N-No, that's not-we're... no. We're not a thin-" I stutter, trying to find any resemblance of a sentence but she just chuckles.
"It's okay, my lips are sealed." She says, winking at me like she's enjoying our little secret but I shake my head.
"N-No! Nothing happened! We're not a thing!" I protest as the doors ding open, letting us off the elevator. We both walk forward but I'm determined to set the record straight.
"Then what were you both doing in Cristina's bedroom?" She asks me, stopping in front of me and I freeze. Her words running down my spine like an ice bath. Another memory unlocked; me sitting on Cristina's bed with Jackson kneeling in front of me. We talked, but I don't remember us doing any more than that.
"T-Talking?" I mumble and she laughs.
"Well, either way, I'm a vault." She puts a comforting hand on my shoulder before walking away and down the opposite hallway. Part of me wants to put more pieces into this puzzle but I settle for finding Izzie. This problem is bigger than any of mine at the moment. The whole way there I'm fuming, trying not to let anything distract me on the way.
The moment I push through the clinic doors, I spot her standing across from Meredith at the desk near the front of the large room. My eyes widen at the sight of her. She looks healthy and her peach fuzz cancer hair has grown out into a pretty bob. She spots me almost instantly, recoiling in fear as she notices the fury in my eyes.
"Where the hell have you been?!" I yell at her as I storm over. Meredith takes a step back to get out of my way, obviously not wanting to get in the middle of my rage.
"You told her?" Izzie asks Meredith in betrayal but I snap in her face, getting her to look back at me.
"You didn't answer my question! Where have you been?!" I practically scream in her face, not caring about the patients in the clinic who've turned in alarm at the scene I'm making. My head is pounding, hangover not a fan of all the yelling I've started.
"Audrey, I'm n-" She starts but my fury doesn't even let her finish.
"You left a letter! A one-paged, sloppily written letter telling Alex you were leaving! That's it! How could you do this to him?!" I ask in genuine hurt that someone I used to call a friend could hurt the most important person in my life. She also hurt me in more ways than one.
"It's not that simple." She says and I cross my arms over my chest in disbelief as the clinic doors open again, Cristina walking through. I'm surprised she's working since she was just as drunk as me.
"Where were you?!" She yells in the same angered manor and Izzie rolls her eyes, looking back over at Meredith.
"Her too? Who else did you tell?" She asks her, suddenly the anger in the room building up inside of her.
"Well, well, well. Look who's back." Charles says with a smirk as he walks over. I didn't even see him walk in from the other entrance of the clinic.
"This guy?" Izzie asks Meredith in disbelief. "You told the guy that got me fired?"
"Well, how would we know that since you didn't talk to anyone?" I hiss at her but before she can defend herself to me, Meredith speaks up.
"I didn't tell him. I don't even know him. It's my first day back." Meredith says shrugging as I continue to stare down Izzie.
"Dr. Percy's on my service today," Derek speaks up from behind the desk without looking up from his chart. I didn't even see him there. God, I'm really disoriented.
"And I didn't get you fired. You did that all by yourself." Charles says as he passes Izzie to walk over to Derek. Izzie just scrunches her nose in annoyance.
"Dr. Stevens will give you the details about my patient," Derek says to Charles, referring to the patient that Izzie brought into the clinic. Meredith said something about him being Izzie's old teacher.
"I wish Dr. Stevens would give me the details, but I'm just a person who saved her life," Cristina speaks up sarcastically and Izzie groans, rubbing her forehead. "Do you know if you miss another IL-2 treatment-"
"I got my IL-2 treatment at Seattle Pres. I may not be a doctor here anymore, but I'm not a complete idiot." She says when out of the corner of my eye, I see Alex walk into the clinic. I tense up, realizing how bad the situation looks. I should've called him the moment Meredith told me. While Meredith might still have some loyalty to Izzie's wishes, I would've had no problem going behind her back to tell Alex.
At first, he doesn't look up from his binder, but when he does, he freezes in his tracks. Genuinely seeing a ghost of his past reflects in his eyes before red hot anger takes over. I watch his mood shift as he stares at her from across the room, but he doesn't say anything. Instead, he walks over to the desk, drops the binder and turns on his heel, leaving the clinic with a slam of the door.
"I hope you're happy." I practically spit before running past her and out the same door Alex left from. He left quickly and it took a while for me to find him, but eventually, a nurse tipped me off that he was waiting for scans. I find him in the room attached to the MRI room and walk-in slowly. He looks normal, his blank face hiding his demons within.
"Alex," I say quietly but he doesn't move. Nothing in his demeanour proves that he heard me at all. "Alex, I-"
"Thanks for telling me. That was a great heads up." He scoffs sarcastically without tearing his eyes away from the computer screen in front of him. I take another step forward.
"I practically found out the same time you did. I got a call from Meredith and came here. I know nothing." I explain to him, not wanting him to bottle everything up inside. He can't be mad at everyone around him or he'll explode.
"You could've called me." He mumbles, obviously more hurt than mad at me.
"You're right. I should've picked up the phone on my way here." I say, pulling my phone out of my pocket and going to my text messages with Meredith. I hold out my phone for him to take and he looks at me in question before taking it from my hands.
"What's this?' He asks, scrolling through our messages.
"Everything I know," I say as he reads. Meredith sent me everything Izzie told her, which was not a lot to begin with. Only that Izzie has been staying with her mother in Chehalis for the past couple of weeks and that she brought her teacher in who has dementia. "She did say that she's been keeping up with her IL-2."
"Great." He mutters as he turns off my phone, handing it to me. You'd think a husband would be relieved to hear his wife is keeping up with treatment, but after what Izzie pulled, I'm not surprised his voice sounds anything but. I slip my phone back into my coat pocket before sitting in the chair beside him.
"I'm sorry," I say softly but he doesn't answer so look at me. "Do you want me to talk to her? Yell at her? Kick her ass?" At my last comment, I see the corner of his mouth twitch upwards and I smile. "Okay, I'll kick her ass then."
"You wouldn't win. You're tiny compared to her." He says, slight humour poking through his hurt expression.
"Hey!" I exclaim, pushing his arm slightly as his mouth twitches again, this time resembling a smirk.
"It's true." He jokes and I sigh.
"You're probably right." I chuckle and he finally looks at me. I wait for him to say something but he doesn't; instead, he just basks in the comfortable silence, the outside world a little too hard to face. "Do you just want to be left alone?"
"Yeah." He mumbles and I nod, about to stand when he stops me. "But I don't."
"Okay," I say quietly, sitting back down as we remain quiet, sitting comfortably in each other's presence.
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Instead of going back home to sleep, I decided to stay the afternoon. With Izzie at the hospital, it doesn't feel right to leave. After changing into a pair of scrubs from my locker to avoid being totally mortified in my home sweats, I joined Alex for lunch in the cafeteria. Cristina and Meredith joined us shortly after, Alex trying to hide his grudge from Meredith not telling him about Izzie.
"So how do you like your present?" Meredith asks Cristina as we eat and I frown in confusion.
"Oh, Private Benjamin over there? Owen said she would surprise me. Well, guess what. Surprise! She doesn't know how to do surgery!" Cristina exclaims sarcastically as I lean forward.
"Sorry, what did I miss in the literal three hours I was away from work?" I ask her and she groans.
"Owen brought a cardio surgeon here from Iraq and she's useless." She explains as I look over her shoulder to see a pretty blonde woman eating with the other attendings and sitting beside Owen. Cristina has been asking the Chief for a cardio attending for weeks and I guess he finally provided one.
"Leave her alone. It's her first day." Alex mutters from behind his sandwich and I'm impressed with his ability to defend someone he doesn't even know.
"Why are you defending her? She went to a state school." Cristina mutters and both Alex and I look at her sharply.
"So did I." We snap at the same time. We don't have a wealthy family like Cristina who could afford Stanford. We had to climb our way up to where we got.
"Well, she's skinny and blonde." She offers instead and Alex tilts his head toward Meredith and I.
"So are they." He says, raising his brow in challenge.
"Well... she's annoying." She gives as a last stitch effort but Alex shrugs.
"So are you." He says and I can't help but smirk. Cristina leans forward in annoyance.
"Where is your wife, by the way?" She fires at him and he visibly tenses. I'm about to snap at her when Meredith speaks up.
"What did you say to Owen?" She asks, desperately trying to change the subject.
"That's she's gotta go. He knows how important this is to me. I need someone who's gonna take me to the next level and he brings me this desert storm Barbie who hasn't seen the inside of an OR in like, ten years. If this is what he thinks is my talent, then I have to break up with him." She explains and Alex laughs at her strange views of tangible relationships. Her head snaps up to look at him again. "Have you even talked to Izzie yet?"
"Cristina." I snap, she's obviously trying to get a rise out of Alex.
"You know what? No one's allowed to talk about Izzie while I eat." Alex states and all of us go quiet. After a moment Cristina speaks up again and I audibly sigh.
"Am I the only one concerned here?" She says and Alex slams his hands on the table, picking up his tray of food and leaving. I look over at Cristina in disappointment. "What?"
"You really don't know when to stop, do you?" I snap as Meredith leans on her hand, obviously in distress.
"My first day back and I just wanted to have a nice, normal lunch together." She sighs and Cristina laughs humorlessly.
"Oh, yeah? Well, take a look around. Nothing's normal." Cristina points out and I scoff, picking up my tray and walking off. She can be a jerk sometimes and the problem is that she knows it. Instead of finding my brother, I decided I should talk to Izzie, to try and figure out what has been going through her twisted mind these past couple of weeks.
When I get back to the clinic, she's sitting beside a bed where an elderly man lies, looking around in confusion. After taking a deep breath, trying to calm the anger in my chest from the eventful morning, I walk over. Her back is to me, so the older man sees me first.
"Izzie," I say, my voice a little louder than I intended. Her shoulders tense up before she turns to look me in the eye. "Can we talk?"
"Look, Audr-" She starts with a sigh before the man in the bed cuts her off.
"Don't be rude, Isobel. Introduce me to your friend, lord knows you don't have a lot of them." He says with a frown and suddenly I have to hold back a smirk. Izzie sighs, turning back to the man before shooting me an apologetic look.
"Uh, Dr. Singer, this is Audrey Karev. Audrey, this was my high school biology teacher, Dr. Singer." She says, gesturing her hands between the two of us and I give him a respectful nod which he returns. "I'll just be a minute, Dr. Singer." She excuses herself from him and he smiles, pleased with her manners.
The two of us walk over to the front desk for some privacy, the clinic more cleared out than earlier this morning. The rage I have for Izzie has been building these last couple of weeks, but as I look at her face, something in me can't help but be happy to see my friend.
"He's diagnosed with Alzheimer's and thinks I'm still fifteen." She explains and I nod slowly, his words starting to make more sense. "He's the reason I went to medical school. He believed in me when no one else did."
"That's nice, Izzie, but I'm not here to talk about your teacher," I say and she crosses her arms defensively, looking away. I can tell that when she came to the hospital, she wasn't planning on talking to us but I don't know what else she expected.
"I know you all hate me now, but I couldn't stay." She says and I frown.
"Of course you could. You are married and have an obligation to stay even when things are hard." I explain and she groans, turning to look into my eyes.
"He got me fired." She says and it's my turn to cross my arms in confusion.
"What?"
"Alex talked to the Chief and got me fired." She spits, obviously, her mind is made up about the situation but I'm sure she's leaving something out.
"You know this how?" I ask her and she sighs in annoyance, turning away. I can tell that I'm losing her.
"The Chief told me that Alex was worried about my abilities." She imitates and I step in front of her, trying to gain her attention back.
"Have you even talked to Alex?" I ask and watch as her position falters slightly. She knows that she's in the wrong but is making up excuses to be the victim. "Exactly. You made an assumption. Go talk to him before you rip up your marriage."
"I can't." She says, this time sounding scared but I have no pity left. She waited too long to have this conversation and now it's biting her in the ass.
"Yes, you can, and you don't have a choice," I state as she searches my eyes for any sign of help but I'm not going to give her any. "Go. We have a nursing staff for Dr. Singer."
After a moment of hesitation, and a worried look over my shoulder at Dr. Singer, she finally turns to walk out of the clinic. The weight lifted off my chest is excruciating. Izzie put us all through hell, we thought she was dead. She has to be the one to put this mess back together.
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Now that Izzie and Alex are finally talking, I feel that I can leave the hospital to get my greatly needed sleep. I'm not helping anyone in this state and I hope she'll still be here tomorrow. When I get to the locker room, the blinds are pulled down, which isn't odd. As I go to push open the door, it swings open first. I step back in surprise, moving to get out of the way of the person and when I look up, my heart drops.
"Oh shit," I mutter to myself as Jackson looks down at me, frozen in place and in the way of some other residents leaving. He quickly snaps out of it, moving to the side and letting them pass, but his eyes don't leave mine.
"Uh, hi." He says and I give him a tightlipped smile before passing by and walking into the room. Unsurprisingly, he follows behind me, letting the door close behind him. "How are you feeling? I didn't think I'd see you today."
"I'm great. I'm not working, though." I say, grabbing my bag from my cubby and slipping it over one of my shoulders.
"Right, uh, okay." He mutters awkwardly, standing in place for a moment, searching for the appropriate words but when he comes up empty, he turns to leave. Before he makes it to the door I stop him.
"Jackson," I say and he turns. "D-Did I say anything last night?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know, uh, something I shouldn't have," I ask, crossing my arms awkwardly across my chest and I can see his mouth twitch up into a smile.
"Uh..." He trails off, concealing a grin and I tilt my head, letting out an embarrassed laugh.
"Oh, come on. Was I that bad?" I ask and he laughs along with me before jokingly shaking his head.
"Nah, you were great. Very fun to be around." He says sarcastically and my head falls into my hands, shaking slightly.
"Oh, god. Can we just forget all of it?" I ask him hopefully and he nods slowly.
"Done."
"Oh, and I'm sorry you had to drive me home," I mutter and his laughing slows, a soft smile still visible.
"Don't be sorry. I'd do it again." He says and I can't help but reveal a small smile in response. Without warning, my cheeks flush and I look away sharply, grabbing my coat from its hanger; it's been getting colder as we get closer to Thanksgiving. "Audrey?"
"Yeah?" I risk looking at him and notice the way his brows are knit together like they always are when he's concentrating. That's something I've noticed by absent-mindedly watching him this past week. I'd be lying if I said I didn't find it attractive when he gets serious but I try to keep my face expressionless.
"I, uh, wanted..." He trails off, taking a step forward. "I can't stop thinking about you." His words raise alarm in the back of my mind. The part of me that is always so quick to retreat is screaming to get out, but for some reason, my feet are rooted into the ground.
"Oh?" The sound leaves my lips at barely a whisper, the foreign feeling in my chest paralyzing me as he moves closer. Suddenly, I become aware of the emptiness in the lockerroom.
"And I have a feeling that you can't either." He breathes, now less than a metre away from me. I should leave. I should run out the door and quit my job; I'm sure there are residency positions at a hospital in Iowa. Even though all these thoughts race through the back of my mind, I can't hear them. All I can hear is the hammer of my heartbeat in my chest and Jackson's breathing.
"Why would you think that?" I mutter, my voice so quiet that it's almost a good thing he's so close to me.
"Because every time I look at you, your cheeks turn pink and you look away." He says with a half-smirk, tilting his head to meet my eyes that tried to avoid his ocean ones. "Just like you are right now."
"Jackson, I-" I start, but before I can finish he's closed the already small gap between us. He quickly brings my face up to his with a hand on my cheek, capturing me in a deep kiss. This time I know what's happening, we both do, and I can't stop. Even when I was exhausted, I had the strength to pull away, but this time is different. I don't want to pull away.
Without warning, my hand drops my bag and it falls to the ground, abandoned. My free hand works its way up his chest and to the back of his neck where I pull him down to me. As the seconds fly by like hours, our breathing becomes heavy and laboured, his hands travelling to my waist.
Finally, I manage to lean back, more out of a need for oxygen than anything else. His forehead rests against mine and I can feel him looking at me while my eyes remind closed, trying to figure out what to do next. I didn't want this to happen because of how much I wanted it to happen. This scares me more than anything and I don't know what to do with it.
"Uh, I have to go," I mutter into his lips and he frowns. I cringe at my choice of words but I can't be seen here with him, it would make everything even more complicated. I already have to deal with Callie and Meredith who think something is going on, not that they're wrong, but I don't want people to find out.
"What?" He asks as I pull away, his hands falling off my waist in disappointment. I lean down to grab my bag and put it back over my shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't even be here." I stumble, tucking my hair behind my ear as I collect my things and walk around him toward the door.
"Look, if I misread the situation again, then-" He starts worriedly but I turn back quickly, taking large strides over to him before grabbing the neck of his scrub top and pulling him down to my lips again. He leans into it almost instantly, but just as fast, I pull away.
"You did nothing wrong. I'm just not in my head right now. I'll see you tomorrow." I say and watch as the corner of his mouth twitches up at my words. He nods in understanding before I turn away and leave through the door, thankful that no one walked in on us.
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There is almost nothing I hate more than Thanksgiving. It's a holiday to remind me of everything I never had growing up and it's a general pain in my ass, so when I was put on the board to work through the holiday, I had no reservations. Most people would be upset to be working on a holiday, but if I wasn't asked to come into work, I probably would've been the one asking to come in.
Not to mention the fact that Izzie disappeared again, only this time it was less sudden. She did talk to Alex and they got into a rather big fight about why she got fired before she stormed out. She hasn't been back in over a week and I'm getting worried again. I've called her cell phone every day since she left and it keeps going to voicemail. I didn't even bother calling this morning, I have more important things to worry about than my disappearing sister-in-law.
While in the ER, I picked up a case where a girl had collapsed at a restaurant. It turned out to be a cardio case that Cristina managed to snake her way onto it. Fortunately, Dr. Altman, the blonde desert storm Barbie that Hunt brought from Iraq, let me stay on the case as well. She said that she needed all hands on deck and even brought Jackson in on it.
Jackson and I haven't had a chance to talk about everything yet with our busy schedules, but somehow we've found time to do other things. Mainly stealing kisses in empty stairwells or storage rooms but neither of us knows what it means yet. If anything, it's stress relief.
"Oh, my god," Cristina exclaims as we look into the chest cavity of the girl during surgery. Her heart is so messed up that it barely even resembles a heart anymore. "That is the biggest pseudoaneurysm I've ever seen."
"It's at the suture line of the transplant. The new heart is dying." She explains as we work. A month earlier, the girl had a heart transplant but she collapsed due to it failing.
"Poor guy that brought her in. I think they were on their third date." Jackson says across from me on the other side of the table.
"It doesn't even look like a heart anymore." I point out as we suction to get a better look at the organ in front of us.
"That's because it's not. It's a chunk of useless flesh that has to come out right now." Dr. Altman says and we all look up at her in alarm. Since she's no longer on the transplant list, there is nothing on the way to replace this heart with.
"You're taking the heart out?" Cristina asks in utter shock at the surgeon she once found useless.
"What are you gonna replace it with?" I ask her skeptically, there is not a lot we can do for her outside of bypass.
"I don't know. We're gonna have to figure it out as we go." Dr. Altman says with an excited twinkle in her eye. Cristina looks at her with nothing but admiration while Jackson and I exchange concerned looks.
We continued the surgery until her heart was thrown into medical waste and we connected her to a machine that will pump blood through her body. After bringing her to the ICU, we let the man who brought her in come to visit her. Obviously, he's very confused when we explain she doesn't have a heart in her chest.
"Okay, wait. Let me get this straight." He says, holding up his hand in protest. "You removed her heart?"
"Yes." Dr. Altman says simply and he frowns in utter confusion.
"A-And she can live that way? Like what, a vampire?" He asks with a laugh but we know he doesn't find anything funny about this situation, he's scared.
"Usually you'd connect a ventricular assist device to the heart, but since she doesn't have a heart-" Jackson starts to explain calmly to the man until Cristina cuts him off suddenly.
"Dr. Altman attached two devices to her blood vessels. This machine now pumps the blood through her body, which is basically, uh, a miracle." Cristina says, giving Dr. Altman a grin at the end of her statement and I roll my eyes.
"Kiss ass." I cough into my sleeve, making sure Dr. Altman and the patient can't hear me but Cristina and Jackson do since they're on either side of me. Jackson holds back a chuckle while Cristina shoots me an annoyed look.
"I really like her. I like her a lot, but we've only had four dates. I'm supposed to have Thanksgiving with my family, you know? She was gonna join us and now she's like a..." He trails off, sounding very guilty. "She can really live without a heart?" He asks again as if he didn't believe us the first time.
"If you don't want to stay, we have a great nursing staff, great doctors. She'll be in good hands." Dr. Altman says softly, nodding in understanding but he shakes his head.
"No, she doesn't even have a family. If it was me, I would want somebody here. I'll stay." He says confidently, sitting at her bedside and I can't help but give a small smile.
∞∞∞∞∞∞
"This is the best Thanksgiving ever," Cristina says with a big smile as we sit in a skills lab practicing different suture techniques. Alex and Meredith joined our table since the room is full of residents from our class, also practicing. "No obnoxious relatives. No stupid traditions. No going around the table and saying what you're grateful for."
"Amen," I conclude her last statement without looking up from my suturing.
"Yeah, I think we should do the opposite," Alex speaks up from beside me. "Talk about what we're not grateful for."
"The merger," Cristina says, leaning forward and I smirk, continuing to focus on my stitch.
"The Mercy Westers," Meredith adds from across the table and Alex scoffs from beside me.
"They're like the plague. I mean, stealing all our surgeries, eating all that pie in the nurses' station." Alex continues the thought until I feel all three sets of eyes fall on me.
"What about you?" Cristina asks and I look up quickly, not expecting to be called on.
"Huh?" I stutter and they all look amused at my ability to zone out.
"You're usually first in line to hate on the Westers," Alex says and Cristina nods in agreement but I shrug, suddenly noticing Jackson from across the room, practicing his own suture. I can feel my hands sweat, which doesn't help with the delicate suture I'm trying to complete. Having my friends question me about the Mercy Westers with him standing so close is hard. Lying is even worse, but fortunately, he's far enough away that he can't hear us.
"Uh, yeah." I clear my throat. "Hate 'em. Awful. Yuck."
"You're acting weird," Meredith says, sounding concerned but before I can defend myself Cristina has already spoken up.
"She's tense. She hasn't been getting any." She states and my eyes widen at her comment, quickly turning to defend myself.
"That is none of your business." I hiss at her and she shrugs. While none of them know about my certain relationship, she's not exactly wrong. Jackson and I have been close and our relationship has become more intimate, but we haven't actually done it.
"See. Tense. All dried up." She says, leaning back in her chair with a smirk as Alex crinkles his nose.
"Ew." He mumbles in disgust.
"You're doing that wrong." Meredith changes the subject and I breathe out in relief that the attention has shifted.
"I am not," Alex says in annoyance as she looks at his suture line.
"You are. Can I show you?" Meredith asks, leaning forward to help but Cristina scoffs.
"Private lessons with the Chief. Man, those daddy issues are working for you." Cristina points out and I can't help but agree with her. The Chief has been giving Meredith lessons on different procedures and sutures which is putting her ahead of everyone in almost everything. Since he used to work with her mother and they had a thing for each other, he's taken a parental position over Meredith, wanting to help her in any way he can.
"I don't have daddy issues. He's teaching me." Meredith defends herself as she does the complicated suture.
"You're his bitch." I speak up for the first time and Alex laughs at my comment.
"Well, in that case, she's Teddy's bitch." Meredith says, gesturing over to Cristina who doesn't seem to argue.
"Maybe that's my problem. I'm nobody's bitch." Alex says, looking up from his horribly done suture.
"Well, you were Izzie's bitch." Cristina shrugs and his head snaps up to her, both Meredith and I tense up.
"You're a bitch." He says, seemingly calm but wanting to throw out one last insult.
"You know what? It's Thanksgiving. Can we just have no name-calling?" Meredith asks sweetly and we all turn to her before shrugging and mumbling our agreements. After another moment Alex leans forward.
"Show me that stitch again."
∞∞∞∞∞∞
I've been opposed to Christmas for my whole life, but even then, my little siblings managed to give me a little joy. They were always excited by things like Christmas lights and holiday cheer. I guess I was able to do some good when looking after them. Alex and I practically raised the two of them since our parents were in no state, and fortunately, they both turned out pretty well. It's a little sad not being home on Christmas Eve but I know they have each other which gives me a little peace of mind.
I've been on the case of the girl with no heart since Thanksgiving. I now know her as Kelsey, and she's been awake for a couple of days now even though she is still very weak.
"It's weird. No heartbeat." She mumbles with her hand on her chest as Dr. Altman, Cristina, and I round on her. Her once date and now boyfriend is standing by the door. "I used to climb mountains, you know? One time I did the Inca trial. It's four mountains in three days. On the second day, there's this climb. It's eight hours straight, and you are so tired, and the air is so thin, you don't even talk. All you do is climb. The whole time you hear your heartbeat drumming in your ears, so it's weird having no heartbeat."
"You know what? You just need to hang on till New Year's Eve. There's a lot of drunk drivers, a lot of brain death. It's organ-palooza." Cristina says from beside me and I hold back a smirk.
"Kelsey, you just gotta hang on, okay? You'll hike again, you know? We'll hike together. It's such a beautiful world outside of this hospital. It's snowy and quiet. You just gotta make it until New Year's Eve." Her boyfriend encourages her and she bites her lip, holding something back until it finally escapes her lips.
"I need to go outside." She says quickly and we all question her in shock. "I might die. We all know that, but snow is my favourite thing in the whole wide world. It's my favourite thing. Please."
"I'm sorry, but-" Cristina starts to let her down easy but Dr. Altman cuts her off, for a second she looked on the verge of tears.
"We can do that." She says and Kelsey grins from ear to ear as Cristina and I look up at our attending in shock. "We can do that."
I'm pretty sure bringing an unstable cardiac patient outside in the middle of winter breaks about fifty different hospital policies, but in the spirit of Christmas, Dr. Altman arranged for us to bring her outside in the wheelchair to see the snow. Jackson joined us to bring her outside because we needed all hands on deck in case of emergency.
I push her wheelchair through the doors of the ER and am hit with a wall of freezing air. We bundled her up in a jacket, hat, and mittens but all of us are still in our scrubs and lab coats. I push on, moving her through the thin blanket of snow that's collected on the pavement. When she's no longer under the overhang, I park her wheelchair and back up, letting her soak up the snow.
Everyone stands around watching her as she laughs, holding out her hands to collect snowflakes in her palms. She stands up from the chair, still attached to the machine and looks up at the sky with her eyes closed. I smile at the young girl and her enjoyment of such a simple pleasure.
"Are you okay?" Jackson comes up beside me. "You're shaking like crazy."
"Just cold. I'm fine." I say, wrapping my arms around myself, trying to warm up. I notice that Hunt brought Cristina a jacket and that Dr. Altman looks unaffected by the cold. I can see my breath floating through the air every time I breathe out, my nose has probably turned pink in the time we've been standing out here.
I close my eyes, trying to will myself to warm up before I feel a hand on my arm, running up and down. My eyes snap open, quickly moving away and looking at Jackson sharply.
"What are you doing?" I hiss as his hands go back to his sides sheepishly. "We are in the middle of the ER bay. Out in the open."
"Sorry. I wasn't thinking." He mumbles, taking a side step away from me to create a comfortable distance. I do feel bad for pushing him away whenever we're in public, but I can't risk my friends finding out about us. Whatever us is. We still haven't talked about it.
We stand a couple of minutes longer, watching Kelsey smile up at the sky until suddenly, the smile falls off her face. I watch in horror as every muscle in her body goes limp and she falls to the ground. All of us are quick to run forward, none of us close enough to catch her.
"Oh, my god! Kelsey!" Her boyfriend yells in fear, following us to her aid.
"Someone get a gurney!" I yell into the ER before joining everyone by her side.
After bringing her back into the warmth of the hospital, we let her rest in the ICU. She hasn't woken up since she fainted, likely exhaustion, but we won't know more until after a CT and x-ray.
∞∞∞∞∞∞
I spent Christmas Eve at home in my room, eating cereal for dinner and talking to my sister on the phone. Honestly, that's a pretty good Christmas Eve in my books. Since I knew I was going into work on Christmas day, I went to bed early, not caring about the dinner Meredith had made, it was probably just for her and Derek anyway.
When I went into work, Kelsey was awake and responsive. We had done the CT the night before and brought Bailey onto the case since it turned into a General Surgery problem.
"From your x-rays and CT, it looks like part of your bowel has died," Bailey explains to our patient as we all gather around her room during morning rounds.
"It's a side effect of your poor circulation. It's why you collapsed yesterday." I explain to her gently and she nods slowly in understanding, but concern.
"But, just... fix her, okay?" Her boyfriend says desperately, holding her small hand in his own. "She can't have come this far to... just fix her."
Bailey nods in understanding before gesturing all of us to leave the room and give the couple some space. We follow her out into the hallway where she closes the door to their room and turns to us.
"We're gonna need to repair this as soon as possible." She starts to explain. "The more time we wait, the more bowel dies."
"Yeah, but how?" Cristina asks her. "She's septic, hypotensive, and she has no heart."
"Her pressure's too low for general anesthesia. She won't survive." Dr. Altman points out and Bailey nods, taking a second to weigh the options. After a moment she gives us her plan.
"Then... we won't put her under general." She says and I tense up, realizing what this means for our patient. She is going to have to go under the knife with a simple local anesthetic. That means she is going to be very much awake and partially numbed the whole time. This is not going to be a fun Christmas.
∞∞∞∞∞∞
We've been in surgery for about half an hour and have made it through the abdomen, trying to salvage any healthy bowel we can while removing the dead tissue. I try to ignore the groans of pain coming from Kelsey as we work, it's hard to listen.
"It hurts," Kelsey mumbles from the table while her boyfriend strokes her hair. Family members aren't technically allowed to be in the operating room but with this being an extreme circumstance, the hospital made an exception.
"I know," Bailey says softly while Kelsey tries to suppress her groans. "Surgery with only a local anesthetic is not ideal. Hang in there."
"It's gonna be okay." Her boyfriend whispers in her ear, trying to distract her from the pain in her stomach that is forcing tears from her eyes.
"Hey, hey! I'm here with you, all right?" Bailey says worriedly when she notices Kelsey crying. "No tears on Christmas. No, there's only lights and snowmen, uh, and songs." She tries to distract her while we all continue to work. "Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. Come on now."
We all exchange amused looks as Bailey starts to sing Christmas songs over the operating table. The only thing we can do for Kelsey is to distract from the pain and Bailey, being a Christmas lover herself, is finding a way to do that.
"But since we've no place to go. Karev, go." She sings and I look up at her sharply, not expecting to be called on to sing.
"Uh, no, I don't sing," I mumble, looking back down sheepishly as she sighs in annoyance.
"Yang." She turns to Cristina and I nearly laugh. If she can't get me to sing she's not going to be able to get Cristina to sing.
"No, uh, I'm Jewish." She says sternly but Bailey doesn't buy it.
"Hey, don't play the race card with me. Sing or get off my service." She says and after a moment of contemplative staring from Cristina, she does something I was not expecting.
"Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow." She sings loudly and very off-key but Bailey seems satisfied before turning to me once again.
"Come on, Karev." She says, this time with a little twinkle in her eye I can't ignore. I sigh in disdain before taking a deep breath.
"It doesn't show signs of stopping and I've brought some corn for popping." I sing, a little self consciously but Bailey nods in admiration before practically the whole OR joins in with me.
"The lights are turned way down low. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow." Everyone sings in unison as we work and I notice Kelsey looks a little more at ease than she did before, letting her eyes close as she soaks up the song.
∞∞∞∞∞∞
Before I left for work this morning, Meredith had mentioned something about a big Christmas dinner with people from work. I didn't think much of it until I got home after work to see our living room full of people. The evening was actually pleasant, full of conversation and good food that Meredith managed to cook on her own. We all sat down to eat, having to put two tables together in the living room to fit everyone.
"The house looks beautiful, Mer," Lexie says from beside her sister and Meredith gives her a warm smile as people start passing around plates of food.
"Where's Callie?" Derek asks Arizona from across the table.
"Working." She says with a disappointed smile.
"Oh, that's too bad." He says as he passes me a bowl of stuffing to scoop onto my plate. Light conversation fills the room, accompanying the sound of glasses clinking and knifes hitting plates.
"How'd Kelsey do?" Dr. Altman asks from across the table, having not been in the surgery since it was general and not cardio.
"Very well," I say with a smile, taking a sip of my wine.
"Who's Kelsey?" Derek asks from beside me but Bailey speaks up from the end of the table.
"A girl with no heart. I had to do a laparoscopic bowel repair while the poor thing was awake on the table." She says with a little grin, and with everyone at the table being surgeons, we all reciprocate. Unfortunately, her non-surgeon father who joined us this evening looks disgusted at the conversation as he sits across from her.
"Miranda, mind your manners. Even if surgery is your whole life, it doesn't mean you have to talk about bowels at the dinner table." He says and suddenly, everyone goes quiet. Awkwardness falls across all of us as he scolds his adult daughter. There is a moment of quiet before she speaks up.
"My child is healthy." She says simply and I realize why her father is so tense. I heard through the grapevine that Bailey has been going through a divorce. That's likely the reason she's eating with us today and not her family.
"Excuse me?" He asks her in confusion.
"He may not be with me tonight, but he's healthy. He is a well-loved-" She continues while he tries to cut her off, probably growing embarrassed as she talks back to him in front of all of us.
"I didn't say-"
"He is a well-loved boy." She cuts him off, continuing. "He is a happy boy. And staying in an unhappy marriage."
"Now is not the time-" He tries again, but I know Bailey. She is not going to give up until she gets her point across. I look around at the table to see that everyone has frozen, not sure how to continue talking with the argument going on just down the table. Alex and I exchange worried looks from across the table before she continues.
"A marriage that I've outgrown. A marriage full of ultimatums and numbness and resentment. That is not the kind of life I want to model for my child! That is not what I want him to believe married love is." She says, voice shaking slightly but strong nonetheless. "I know what's out there for me because you taught me well. You and Mom showed me what true love looks like. I chose not to settle, and I'm happier for it, even if I'm alone at Christmas. My child is healthy, and I'm happy."
As she finishes, she looks down the table at all of us who are trying to look anywhere else. Something about the conversation makes us feel like we're eavesdropping but part of me is really proud of Bailey.
"You know, part of my happiness is the fact that I got to repair a woman's bowel and save her life today. That's God's work, which makes this appropriate Christmas dinner conversation." She finishes and all of us smile at her words, Mark nodding in agreement and support. After another moment of silence, Arizona manages to break it.
"Uh, green beans, anyone?" She asks, trying to diffuse the tension and suddenly, the table is in full swing again, passing around all the food. I'm scooping carrots onto my plate when the doorbell rings.
"Who's that?" Derek asks Meredith as she looks up in confusion.
"I don't know. I thought everyone was here." She says, looking around the table before going to stand up. I put down the bowel in my hand and stand up before she can.
"Don't worry, Meredith. You worked hard, just eat." I say and she gives me a thankful smile as I walk over to the front door. This is my house too, so it doesn't make a difference if I open the door, plus it gives me an excuse to leave the awkward dinner table.
When I get there, I can see a tall frame through the frosted glass. I open the door and I nearly close it again in surprise. Instead, I quickly step out, closing the door behind me which I regret as the cold air hits me again.
"What are you doing here?!" I hiss at Jackson who stands in the cold, wrapped up in a jacket with a hat on. He has a grin on his face which I can't seem to return as I realize my house is full of people I've been trying to hide him from. Luckily, you can't see the front step from the living room window.
"I wanted to give you this." He says, holding up a tiny red bag which I look at with wide eyes.
"Jackson." I scold and he rolls his eyes playfully.
"Just take it." He says with a smirk and I snatch it from his hands.
"I don't exchange presents on Christmas," I say, suddenly feeling bad for not getting him anything. I didn't expect anything from him to begin with. What are you supposed to get for the guy you're not dating but occasionally kiss in locker rooms?
"Well, I like giving on Christmas." He says before gesturing to the gift. "Open it."
I sigh in annoyance before pulling out some of the tissue paper and finding a little navy blue box inside the bag. I open the box to reveal a tiny silver necklace pendant that looks like a heartbeat. It's small and exeptionally simple, something I'm surprised he knew I would like. I look up to meet his eager eyes, waiting on a reaction from me.
"This is... this is too much," I mutter, looking at the little necklace in astonishment.
"I know you don't like people making big deals out of things, but I love Christmas. I hope you like it." He says and I can't help but marvel over the man in front of me. I shake my head, a little laugh escaping my lips as I look back down at the necklace.
"Of course I like it. I just don't deserve this. It must've been expensive." I say, pulling the chain out of the box to look at the little pendent.
"Nah, don't worry about that." He says with a grin as I admire his gift. I put it back in the box and look over my shoulder to make sure no one is coming.
"Look, I-" I start but he cuts me off.
"Go out with me." He says and I choke back my words. "Just for drinks at Joe's. We never actually went out." I can't help but laugh as I remember the chaotic day where we were all almost fired and he bought me water from a vending machine.
"What are you talking about? Water and stale chips are so romantic." I joke and he laughs, eyes sparkling as the snow collects on his hat. I grab his arm and pull him under the overhang to avoid the snowfall.
"You must be freezing again." He laughs and this time I didn't even realize I was cold until he pointed it out. I look down at my thin blouse that does nothing for warmth and shrug.
"I'll warm-up," I mutter before sighing. "I should get back inside before they wonder where I am."
"Yeah, okay." He says, sounding a little disappointed but he smiles, trying to hide it.
"I'd invite you in, but-"
"I know." He says simply and I nod apologetically before he leans down, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. He was going to leave it at that but I lean forward on my toes, reaching up to kiss him again, this time on the lips. His lips move against mine, now familiar and comforting. I lean into him, trying to take in his warmth as his tongue brushes past my lip. Eventually, I manage to pull back, white mist leaving both of our mouths as we release heavy warm breaths.
"I love it," I mutter against him and he smiles before I step back, grabbing the door handle and opening it, conversation from the living room erupting from inside.
"Bye." He whispers, so not to be heard through the house and I give him a little wave before closing the door. I can't walk through the house holding a present so I turn to the closet, grabbing my jacket and shoving the little box inside my pocket, I can get it later.
I brush myself off, looking down to make sure no evidence of Jackson is present before walking back into the living room. Everyone is deep in conversation, almost no one noticing my presence as I walk back over to my seat.
"You were gone a while," Alex says, sounding suspicious and I shrug, trying to brush it off.
"Who was it?" Meredith asks as my brain rushes to find an appropriate lie.
"Uh, carolers. I sent them away before they could start singing." I mutter, cringing at my terrible lie as I start to eat my untouched food.
"Aw, I love carolers," Arizona mutters in disappointment from across the table, obviously she was listening to my excuse. I shrug apologetically taking a large sip of my wine to make me unavailable for questioning.
Aside from the questionable looks I kept receiving from both Meredith and Alex throughout the evening, it was a pleasant Christmas. Part of me couldn't help but think about Izzie and how she would make such a big deal about Christmas, but I tried to push it down. Today is not the time to be sad. I tried to spend the holidays with a smile on my face for a change, try and invest in a little of the holiday joy everyone is so fond of.
I did spend my New Years' Eve in an OR, my favourite place, putting a heart into Kelsey's chest. That brought me a lot of joy and just as Cristina said, there are a lot of drunk drivers and accidents on New Year's Eve. Luckily, something good came out of it and Kelsey is alive and well. Her boyfriend of four dates even proposed to her, which she accepted. He said that because they went through this together and came out the other side, they could do anything. I think it was really sweet.