renforshort - tastefully depressed
astrid s - such a boy
kayden - one more year
I hate Mondays. It can be good day only when it is the start of next chapter in your life. New one. Better one. However, for people whose life is filled with different difficulties, it's just one more day of searching a right solution. But what if not all of them have an answer? What if there is not an exit?
I did my best to fence off my anger and fear on the weekend and give my mind a few days of rest. Focusing on simple human things like series, endless amount of tea and laying on the couch all day long should help me to find a mental balance at least for a couple of hours.
Picking a restaurant for Connor and Alice's wedding put me in different dimension. Pre-wedding fuss is remedy against being swallowed by my own apprehensions. It was funny how I was able to help people when I couldn't help myself.
I felt myself like I was a wedding consultant or manager. During the meeting I seemed to be quite distant, but nothing bad was behind it. Their little touches, which they didn't even notice, brought me to days when they met for the first time. It reminded me how questionable Connor was, his behaviour back then was like a ping-pong game. He was so uncertain towards Alice, that he asked me for advice, but person who was in one relationship which ended up chaos, is not the best advisor.
But I tried to be as helpful as I could be, because I believed in them. My greatest suggestion was 'talk as much as you can'. You can follow your heart, but it's not the best compass. Communication is the key, but you should know how to use it right. You don't need these sweeping gestures, just remember what they are talking about, simple things. It can be mesmerizing how people talk, what's doing inside their head, what influence moral attitudes and beliefs have on how they speak and express their thoughts.
I remembered how jealous Alice was. There were acts of passive aggression towards me, because she thought that I could steal her boy. But when I calmed her down with couple of facts about Connor's life, what a pig he could be at home and I'd never agree to live with him ever again, we became best friends.
Observing the development of their feeling towards each other was like following the first steps of a child. Timid and discreet. Their feelings were pure, were like they were like bare wires, one touch and they could light a room.
They are the prove that true love exists. Connor can be arrogant towards me and I'm good with it, because I do the same, but with Alice he is sweeter than cotton candy. The way he cherishes her isn't described in any love story.
It was pleasure for me to help them or advise something. I really consider this couple as my family here, in London. They probably think that I'm their younger naughty sister and 'problem' is my middle name. We've been through a lot, and we're a backup of each other. Taking them down with me is the worst I could do in my life and I'll do everything to fix my mistakes.
They with all our conflicts in the past are one of the most significant people for me. Despite our not too big age difference, they gave me a lot of life lessons and one of them is that family is not always people related by blood.
The more often I think about my problems, the more often I catch myself on a thought me being a drama queen. There a lot of people who are suffering not only mentally, but physically too, and my problems are nothing compared to theirs.
My life transformed into entanglement, because of my past. The more I am pondering, the further in corners of my mind I am getting into and the scarier it becomes. Considerable number of things happened during past few weeks which give me food for thoughts. My conclusions are gathering inside my mind like lava inside the volcano.
Even now sitting in studio I am absent-minded. We have some sort of break during commercial break and it's so helpful, even though I'm sure that these few seconds will not help me concentrate and will not bring me back to life. It's doubtless fact that I'll need to attend Kit's office after the show.
If he heard this broadcast, it would not be surprising. My speech and my voice should help people wake up and inspire for being productive all week long, but today my voice could only help to die. He will not reprimand me, but we will have a heart-to-heart talk, which will turn into a psychological session.
Work always makes me happy, I really enjoy it, but everything what happened during past few weeks consumed me, and my mind seemed to be a little bit hazy. I'm scared to say it, but I lost interest in it, and I gladly ascribed it to my mental exhaustion.
I happened to hear that this week we have to host someone in our studio and I sincerely hope that it will be someone standing. I would give everything for it to be Zayn. Although I have not yet spoken to the manager, but I promised Zayn to do it, and I'll do it. I want to give him the recognition he deserves. He can seem indifferent in it or it seems to be done against his will, in spite of that I remember our drunk conversation a few months ago, when he said me, he wanted to go out of bars and lounges to perform at big venues.
"Vivian," Connor waved his hand in front of my face, "you seem distracted today. Do you care to share?" He said using his famous radio host intonation. Realization hit me quickly, and I fixed my headphones and microphone. I was so lost in my thoughts that missed the moment when commercials ended.
"What's private is not public." I glanced at Kit, who was showing thumbs up, and exhaled in relief. "My life is not interesting, as life of someone who is going to get married." I said sassily. If I were Connor, I'd never show my wedding or engagement to the world, because there too much attention to your personality, but he did otherwise, and I don't judge him. He was waiting for Alice to say 'yes' for so long and he is happy now.
"What if I tell you that in nearest future, I'll make your life more exciting and intriguing?" Soft chuckle left my mouth. My life is already full of all sorts of interesting things, I'm sorry, but I don't want nothing else. Connor was staring at me and I raised my brows.
"You have an important mission for next months and big day." He paused and I furrowed my brows. "Alice declared you to be her maid of honor." I widened my eyes, because honestly it wasn't what anticipated to hear. Obviously, I'm thankful and happy that they decided me to be an important person in organizing their wedding, but I didn't expect to hear this during the show while we are on air and thousands of people are listening to us.
"What? Like for real?" I'd be lying if I say I wasn't surprised. I pushed my microphone further and took off my headphones. I waved sound director to mute my mic. Connor was confused by my actions, but I mouthed him, "are you mental? Wait, are you serious?" He nodded. I looked down at our script and looked over all pages in order to find if it was planned.
"You seem speechless." He said, knowing that we still are on air. "Vivian, you will not find it in script, it wasn't arranged. It should be surprise." Connor nodded the director to unmute my microphone. Of course, he wants the whole bloody country to hear my mumbling and how I reacted.
"I-I don't know what to say. I'm really thankful for it, but are you both sure?" I mumbled hesitantly. I really wanted it to be their informed decision. I can't put my mind, why they chose me? Alice has lots of girl friends and sister as I remember, so what happened, and they chose me?
"We're hundred percent sure, so stop being doubtful and accept your new title with respect." He smiled. "You're too calm, can you say something?" I didn't want to offend him, but I'm shocked and nothing else.
"Hope you'll not regret your decision." I breathed out nervous chuckle. Everyone in studio thought that I said that jokily and laughed, but I'm responsible. From the top to the bottom. For me it's a huge liability, especially at my best friend's wedding. "We'll talk later." I mouthed Connor, and he nodded. I fixed my headphones and turned closer to the microphone joking about the hen party. And he, knowing my creative ideas and imagination, changing his face expression.
"Never in million years, I'm aware what you can have on mind. Nobody compares to you in this." Connor sighed.
"You should be happy that I'm not responsible for your bachelor party." I grinned.
⤫⤫⤫
"What's wrong, Vivian? Did something happen?" Kit sounded concerned. "You were distant all show and missed the huge part of conversation. I do not want to accuse you of unprofessionalism, because this is far from the case, and you are one of the most capable people in our team."
I have never been sitting in manager's office waiting for punishment. Sort of. But everything happens for the first time.
Kit's office had a lot of space due to the huge full-length windows that opened up a view of the skyscrapers of London. The amount of white and transparent elements played a huge role as well. His office reminded me of offices of Erudite faction in 'Divergent'.
"There are personal reasons behind this, don't worry. Tomorrow will be better." I really wanted to believe my own words, but I seemed so lost last couple of days, that this is unlikely. I really needed to divert attention from me, because this conversation would not be short. "I wanted to talk to you. I have an idea." I crossed my fingers in hope he'd find my stupid idea interesting.
"What do you think about new show?" My words made him furrow his brows. "I had this idea for so long in my mind, but I found it noteworthy."
"Are you talking about additional heading or section of our morning show?" He brushed fingers through his curly hair.
"Actually, more like separate show on radio, because it may take longer than our radio predicts for an additional heading. I was thinking about creating a project for little-known artists." Like Zayn, for example. But not only him. There are a lot of different services and social media where artists can show their work, but little amount of them receive recognition they deserve, or management they had found can be a nightmare.
"We have something like that, don't we?" He tapped a finger on his lips.
"I looked through the statistics, if we add one not widely popular artist every month, it'll be good. But there are a lot more and we can invite a lot more. Sitting here and doing nothing means losing opportunity to discover new greatest artist." I intertwined my fingers and put my hands on the table. I really did it some time ago trying to feed my curiosity. "I am willing to work overtime and host this show, or it will be a good opportunity to find a new face for our radio."
"I like your determination; you know how to negotiate. But you're talking like you already have somebody on your mind." He lifted the corners of his lips.
"You are right." I shrugged my shoulders. "I can show you his demos, and I'm sure that you'll like it from the first note, not talking about words." I said enthusiastically. "He really deserves it. I'm confident that he will help us to gain listeners, as well as we'll help him to gain audience."
I wanted it to work out, because I know not only Zayn, but many various artists, who work in completely diverse music styles. Brand new faces have ability to bring diversification of the picture we have now. They can be a breath of fresh air in the music industry. I'm fully aware that this show can end up closed because of low ratings, but I want to risk.
Our small talk was interrupted by his ringing phone. "You have a great idea; I'll do my best to creative director to confirm it. And send me via email demos of friend of yours. If everything will work out, he'll be our first guest. I'm so sorry I need to answer this."
"Thank you so much, I'll send you as soon as possible." I whispered and walked out the office. Connor leaned on the wall near the door and as soon as he noticed me immediately stepped closer.
"I thought that he would keep you longer. What did he tell you? Why even you were there?" He exclaimed. "Does he know about the bar? About happened there?" I was amused by his reaction, it wasn't something I expected, but knowing his features of character it was possible. Sometimes I don't want to believe he is almost twenty-five years old, because with his endless flow of questions, read stupid questions, he looks no more than 7 years old.
"Yes, the Scotland Yard is looking for guys who were there, extremely Irish guy, Yorkshire lad and dark-haired diva. Do you know them?" I raised my brow. "Honestly, I found them a little bit familiar, but still can't remember." I noticed the cup of tea in his hand and stretched my arm to grab it. "Thank you."
"A few doors away is kitchen, make yourself tea. Like a child, I swear." He raised his hands in surrender. "I gave you MY tea, so please care to share what were you talking about?"
"Long story short, if CEO will approve my idea, in nearest future Zayn will visit our studio in nearest future." I said sassily, from the deepest corner of my soul I wanted this to work out.
"Like invited guest?" I saw curiosity in his eyes, because we've been talking about it some time ago, and he was keen on my idea. About a month ago we'd been brainstorming about the involvement of new faces, not only in music industry, but also in radio.
For the first sight, we are just radio hosts, and what we can do? God gave me a voice and work where I can use it, and small steps make the greatest achievements. I want to bring little changes to the world. How it appears to be, we will see.
"Of course, like a witness of our encounter on Friday night. Our next show will be called "Good and bad policemen". I call the bad one. The detective show on the radio, we'll be trendsetters. " I smirked mischievously. Connor rolled his eyes, my sarcastic behaviour is something he should be used to. "We've been talking about it for ages, and I thought that it'd be great opportunity to discuss it with Kit."
"How you even made him agree? Without any presented plans and accurate ideas?"
"I presented him the main idea, and that's all. Radio station has the whole department that deals and creates 'accurate ideas'." I made a quotation signs with my fingers. "Now our job is focused on directing the team to make a widely-listened show and finding the first guests." I winked and started to walk to the lounge.
On the one hand, it might sound funny looking at my work, but with all my heart I wish to help this project and make it the best, and I know that Connor has the same thoughts. At least this is one good thing happened during last few weeks.
"What happened when Alice and I came to Louis' flat on Saturday?" I instantly froze, because I didn't expected it to come. It should be a question, but his but his grin betrayed all his thoughts. No matter how much I wanted to throw out some sarcastic comment, at first, I would like to know the answer to his question myself. I was baffled on Saturday and every day since.
Subconsciously, somewhere in the depths of my soul, I sincerely wanted this to happen. But looking back at everything happened I'm just confused. At some point I thought that this kiss was just a part of pity party. I poured all my emotions on him as if nothing had happened, I'm not very good at expressing my emotions and feelings, and I didn't want to express my inner fears to him like that.
Naming my state as a mental breakdown is a huge commitment. I need to solve all the problems, but part of me just screams that I need to rest at least a couple of days alone without messages and calls. All my thoughts turned into a mess and initially I have to do a general cleaning in my mind.
"I gave Alice my key, because I didn't have any pockets where to keep it. We came home, I realized that I didn't take it back, and I needed to have a sleepover in Louis'. The end. Curtains closed." Brevity is the soul of wit and I hope it will at least calm his thirst for curiosity.
At the moment for me he is the closest of all and I have no desire to hide anything from him, and I can't call it hiding information and forming any secrets. Absolutely no. Before jumping into conclusions, I prefer to figure it all out by myself.
"Your messy hair and swollen lips said much more." His inner Sherlock Holmes amuses me sometimes, however now it's playing against me. His ability of noticing the smallest details made him some time ago the main gossip girl of our studio.
"And what? Will you chastise me like a little girl? Like you don't kiss Alice every morning, evening and every second in between." I crossed my arms, how it was possible, looking ridiculous with my bandage and cast.
"So, you kissed?" He wiggled his eyebrows. It started to strain me a little, I just don't understand where he got such an interest in Louis' personality. I hope he doesn't start playing matchmaker and start recommending Louis something, who is completely indifferent to this and to my persona in romantic way.
"So what? People do it every day, am I not allowed to kiss?" I said a little bit louder than I expected and made one of the workers, who was passing by, to turn and look at us. "Oops."
Connor was standing in front of me, waiting for me something else to say, "What? Should I admit that I kissed him? Yes, I did it. Something else?"
"The crucial part was you to admit this." He said.
"Why it is so essential? I'd understand if it was my first kiss. I don't want to upset you, but it happened years ago."We have been discussing this for so long that I involuntarily began to immerse myself in the memories of Saturday morning. I don't want to build castles in the air around Louis. We agreed to be friends, but our little bit flirty communication crossed the line between friendship and some kind of romantic relationship.
His arms wrapped around me. His morning voice. His fingertips touching my skin. My hand buried in his hair, making it messier. His lips on mine. Every touch made the situation more complicated than it had been before.
"For the first time in a long time you let a person come so close to you. How many times have I tried to introduce you to someone, but you were stronger than Margaret Thatcher." He was right, had huge trust issues, who I am fooling, I have them even now.
I promised myself that I'd never start something romantic when I'm not sure in that person, when I'm not sure in my inner voice. But there is one problem which complicates this, you will never be hundred percent sure in person. Trust is the key to a successful relationship, friendship, whatever, but what should I do if I don't even trust myself?
"I don't need no one. Your company's fine, but I get on better with mine." He mocked my voice. I let out a chuckle, because it reminded me scene from 'Brave' movie.
"Actually, I can't live without our sarcasm, I need it like air." I wrapped my arm around him and put him in friendly hug.
"You are mistaken. You need me. Maybe, you're in love with me and you don't know how to tell me. But, don't worry honey, I've already known." What an ass.
"Forget what I just said." I nudged him.
⤫⤫⤫
I'm dying. Bury me under LA sun. Since I came home, I've been suffering from the ugliest and the most painful cramps in my life. All I was able to do was a tea and hide under the blanket on the couch in the living room. I blessed my forgetfulness when I found sort of medicine in a drawer in the coffee table. I was lying on my stomach, because I've read somewhere that it could help with cramps.
If it not disappears till tomorrow, I'll call in sick, because I don't want the whole country to listen to my painful groans.
Without any doubt and without any remorse I planned to spend the whole evening on the couch in the living starring at Dean and Sam, in hope that this would help me. I can move to the bedroom, but the living room was a strategically advantageous option. It is closer to the kitchen and the bathroom, and the fewer steps the less pain. I know that my back would fall off the next morning, because this sofa is not designed for long gatherings, but my back is already hurting, so I prefer to die from pain in much better company than dying alone.
I completely disappeared into the series, watching how brothers was trying to save the world. Again. I started to watch it only because of Jensen Ackles. Or Misha Collins. Or Jared Padalecki. There are a lot of handsome guys, maybe that's why this series are so popular. But for me Bobby was still the wisest, his care and how he worried for boys.
My train of thoughts was interrupted by the doorbell. I have no desire to get up from the couch now and open the door. My muscles are dying inside initiating spasms inside my every body cell. Sorry, whoever is standing behind the door, but you better come next time. After a few seconds the annoying sound of my doorbell, that gave me the headache, stopped.
As soon as I relieved, the sound repeated one more time. But still it didn't give me enough motivation to get my ass off the couch. My cramps won this round. Even in spite of this, I am absolutely not interested in who was brought under my door.
My phone vibrated under my stomach and I looked at the messages I received.
Louis: Hi! Are you at home?
Honestly, I haven't expected him to write me.
Louis: Can you open the door?
Not even come to my door.
Louis: Vivian.
Louis: Answer please
Louis: I heard the voice of Dean Winchester, I know you're home.
Wow, now I'm really curious what happened, even if I'm not ready to face him. The last time I saw him didn't end well. As much as I wish his actions to be sincere and pure, I need to be realist. I don't know why he kissed me, so I don't have to build some hopes around it, right?
Louis: Vivian Hill, open the fucking door
Louis: I'm sorry if I hurt you, darling. I'd understand if you don't want to talk to me, because of what happened on Saturday.
As soon as I received last message, I decided to do something, because three dots which were indicating that he was typing the next message started to scare me. I was scared of what he wanted to send me next. It could be a message of regret. Which I was scared the most.
I got out from couch and waddled towards the door. I was wrapped up in blanket like giant burrito. When I wanted to turn the keys, I heard the sound of received message, I didn't want to know what he wrote. I opened the door and met familiar electric blue eyes. Louis was confused and... scared? When he analyzed my look, I saw the spark of gaiety in his eyes.
"What took you so long?" He exclaimed. I really didn't understand his rush and concern.
"Come in." I stepped to the side so he could walk in.